Wasted

by Suzannah Daniels

  I didn’t think I could survive another episode like that, and knowing Mason had hurt someone like that, too….

  But I’d seen him when he was defenseless, too drunk to effectively mask his emotions. I’d held him when his tormented soul begged for relief, for some touch of comfort. And I’d wanted to be the one to ease his pain, to soothe him, to help him cope.

  My head screamed to stay away from him, to get my stuff out of his apartment and terminate our personal relationship. But my heart butted in, whispering that maybe he’d already suffered enough for his mistake, that maybe his experience had been a hard lesson for him.

  Did he deserve a chance to explain? Was I being callous by holding all his past mistakes against him in the name of protecting myself?

  I sat in my car a long time, hidden by the sheets of water that sluiced over the windows. By the time the rain relented to a soft drizzle, Mason should have already been at work. The apartment should be empty.

  Cranking the engine, I maneuvered my car through the flash floods and went home.

  The apartment was a wreck. Empty whiskey bottles littered the kitchen counter, and the sink was full of dirty dishes. I assumed it’d been this way yesterday, but I hadn’t bothered to look. After Mason had stormed out, I’d gone straight to my room, gathered up clean clothes, and left.

  Loading the dishwasher, I was relieved to have something to occupy me. As I diligently cleaned the kitchen, it felt nice to be doing something useful, to feel needed.

  After burning a couple of more hours with housework, I flipped on the television and collapsed in the recliner. I hadn’t slept well all week, and I yawned. As much as I would have liked to take a nap, I knew any attempt at sleeping would be futile. My nerves were on edge, a guaranteed side effect when I was involved in controversy.

  With my mind whirling, I couldn’t concentrate on television, so I opted for my old standby—

  more cleaning. After scrubbing my bathroom and cleaning my bedroom, I took a hot shower. By the time I blow-dried my hair, the sun had given way to the moon. Peeking through the blinds, I gazed at the complex. Random porch lights twinkled into the darkness, flying insects hovering around them in aerial displays.

  It was getting late enough that I needed to make a decision. Should I stay here and talk to Mason, or should I return to Seren’s before he had time to get home?

  Technically, it would be the middle of the night before he finished his shift, but if I chose to return to Seren’s, I feared that dallying here any longer would run the risk of me accidentally dozing off and being here when he came home. I didn’t want to give him false hope. If I was here when he got off work, it would be because I really did want to talk to him.

  And the truth was I missed him.

  I missed the giddy feeling of being in his arms. I missed his company, his warmth, his infectious grins.

  I missed the happiness, the contentment that I felt when he was near.

  I was the kind of girl who would give a man everything, my heart, my soul. If only I could know whether he was capable of doing the same for me….

  Devastation was the only reward I had reaped for committing myself to Kevin, and I was terrified that it could happen again.

  What could it hurt to hear him out?

  I knew I wanted to and had probably known it all along. My heart screamed louder than my head, and I wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing.

  Lying on my bed, I closed my eyes, hoping to get some rest before he got home. But as the minutes ticked by, I wished he was already with me.

  Slipping out of my room, I moseyed across the hall and gazed into his room. His bed was a rumpled mess, and I couldn’t help the small smile that touched my lips. He normally was a little cleaner than a typical man, but the state of the apartment made me wonder if our argument had affected him as much as it had me. I wanted to think so.

  With the intention of straightening his covers, I approached his bed. I could smell his cologne, and I lifted his pillow to my nose and inhaled deeply. Caught off guard by the tears that filled my eyes, I quickly swiped them away. Climbing into the bed, I settled into the center of the mattress, pulling the comforter up to my chin. It was the closest I’d been to being in his arms in over a week. We had a lot of things to discuss, but until then, I was just going to close my eyes and rest just a few minutes where I could feel close to him without his knowing it.

  Mason

  Driving home was a nightmare. High water had covered part of the small side roads that led from Spanky’s to my apartment complex. While I wasn’t afraid to navigate through it in my truck, I had to wait for several drivers in front of me to maneuver around each other as they turned their cars around in search of more favorable roads to travel.

  By the time I pulled into the parking lot in front of my apartment building, I was exhausted and ill-tempered. As much as I hoped to find Lexi there, she’d given me no indication that she would be, not even a hint that she’d think about it. Even so, I was still eager to get home to see for myself.

  If she wasn’t there, then I’d call her in the morning and try again. When I’d told her that I wasn’t letting her go, I’d meant it. I was determined to find some way to work things out between the two of us.

  As soon as I walked in, I knew she’d been in the apartment. It smelled like lemons, and I sure as hell hadn’t used any lemon-scented cleansers lately. Flipping on the living room light, I could immediately tell the kitchen had been cleaned. I wondered whether she was still here or whether she’d already left again.

  I turned on the hall light and paused outside her door. Was she asleep? Being careful not to wake her, I gently opened her door, peering inside. Her bed was empty.

  Shit.

  She’d left. My irritation deepened, and I pulled the door closed. Pulling my shirt over my head, I hesitated in the hallway, torn between going straight to bed and having some whiskey first to take the edge off of my disastrous day. Knowing that I would try to contact Lexi in the morning, I opted for sleep, and I stepped into my bedroom and discarded my shirt into a crumpled heap at the foot of my bed. I kicked my shoes off and unfastened my jeans, letting them fall to the ground as I stepped out of them. Taking turns with pinning the toes of my sock to the floor with my heel, I lifted each foot, pulling the sock off.

  Turning toward the bed, I froze. With the soft light from the hallway spilling into my room, I could see her slender form huddled beneath the covers, her legs slightly bent. Her dark hair fanned out behind her as she faced the opposite wall, away from my door. My relief was instant. The anger and frustration that had been suffocating me all week lifted. I had no idea why she was in my bed, but I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather her be. And while I knew that she’d still be hesitant about our relationship, her presence filled me with optimism. She wouldn’t be in my bed if she wasn’t seriously considering a future with me.

  I walked around the bed, wanting to see her. When I realized that the lower part of her face was hidden beneath the edge of the comforter, I couldn’t stop my lips from curving into a smile. Damn, I wanted to touch her, and with greedy hands, I lifted the cover and slid in beside her.

  She stirred from her slumber, rising up on her elbow. “Mason!”

  Scrambling to the other side of the bed, she started to spring up off the mattress.

  Catching her wrist, I stopped her retreat, and she turned to look at me.

  “Where’re you going?”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

  “I’m glad you did.” Gently tugging her arm, I urged her to move toward me. “I’m glad that you were in my bed when I got home.”

  She remained in place, watching me like a rabbit eyeing its predator. “Come here,” I urged her softly. “Damn, Lex, just let me hold you.”

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  “That’s the best freaking idea I’ve had in a long time.” I tugged her wrist again. “We can talk ab
out all the other shit tomorrow, but tonight, I want you beside me. I want you in my arms. No talking before daylight. Tonight, I just want to be with you.”

  Her features reflected the indecision that warred within her.

  “Please, Lex. I need to be with you.” I gently tugged her wrist again, and this time she succumbed, stretching out beside me, her cheek against my chest.

  Pulling her against me, I kissed her forehead and stroked her back.

  When she splayed her hand across my chest, her small palm resting just above my heart, I covered it with mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. Her lips brushed against my skin, the soft flutter of an angel’s kiss. Contentment filled my soul, and I closed my eyes, savoring every detail about her, her touch, her scent, her soft breathing. If I could spend every night of my life going to sleep with Lexi in my arms, I’d be a happy man.

  Chapter 23

  Slow Seducer

  Lexi

  I woke up to the sound of running water. Threading my fingers through my disheveled hair, I pushed the offending tresses out of my face. When I realized I was in Mason’s bed, adrenaline flooded my body. With my heart thundering in my chest, I shot into a seated position, searching for him.

  The bathroom door was ajar, and I could see him as he brushed his teeth, his muscles flexing with his movement. His boxers sat low on his hips, and I admired his broad shoulders as they tapered into a narrow waist.

  Snapping out of my perusal, I scrambled out of bed and went to my own bathroom to freshen up. When I returned, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, presumably waiting on me. I followed the lines of his tribal tattoo as it curved over his muscular chest and shoulder and down one arm.

  When my eyes returned to his face, I could see that he was watching me as I let my eyes rove over his body.

  He held his hands out to me, silently asking me to come to him. My head told me to keep distance between us. Unanswered questions still plagued me, and I didn’t trust myself to stay on topic if I got too close to him.

  “Come on, love.” He motioned to me again, and I could feel my heart winning my internal tug of war.

  I closed my eyes, thinking that maybe if I couldn’t see the way he looked at me with a mixture of longing and sadness then my head could actually win this one.

  “Mason, I can’t see you anymore.”

  “You could if you’d open your eyes.”

  My eyes did fly open then as aggravation spread through my chest. “This isn’t a joke.”

  He shot me that infectious grin that dimpled his cheeks. “I know, Lex. I’m sorry. I’s just messing with ya. Trying to lighten the mood, but I guess it’s not working.”

  “I should go.”

  He stood and strode toward me, scooping me up, my legs dangling over one of his arms. “I don’t want you to go. You’re staying here with me.” Taking me back to the bed, he deposited me onto the mattress, and then he walked to the opposite side and climbed in beside me.

  “I can’t stay here.”

  “You can,” he said adamantly, folding his arms under his head as he reclined on his pillow.

  “It’ll never work.”

  “It will if we decide that’s what we want. I want you, Lex. Can you really tell me that you don’t feel the same?” He reached out and skimmed his fingertips along my arm, moving over the strap of my tank top as he traced my shoulder blade.

  “You cheated on her,” I tried to reason with him. “I can’t go through something like that—not again.”

  “So you think it’s impossible for someone to learn from his mistakes?”

  “No, but….”

  “I’m not the same man now that I was then.”

  The sincerity on his face made me want to believe him, but I knew that was my heart talking.

  He reached out and pulled me down until I was lying beside him, and I let him. His arm wrapped around my shoulders, his fingers caressing my arm, and then he began to talk.

  “Losing Madison devastated me. I don’t think there’s anything in this world that can compare to the pain someone goes through when they experience the death of a child. It’s like having your lungs squeezed until you can’t breathe and you feel like you’re suffocating and then having your heart ripped out of your chest. Every hope, every dream that you’d had for that child…that I’d had for my precious little girl….” He hesitated, and even though I wasn’t looking at his face, I could tell he was struggling with his emotions as I watched his chest rise and fall rapidly. He blew out a breath as if that simple act would dispel some of the sadness trapped inside him. “Damn,” he whispered, “This is hard.” His voice quaked, and I tilted my head until I could see his face. He pulled me in tighter, one hand wrapping around my waist, and with his free hand, he threaded his fingers through his hair as he stared at the ceiling.

  “I stopped and bought her this frilly pink dress one day before she was born,” he said barely above a whisper. “Can you imagine me picking out baby clothes? Me?”

  His chin quivered, and I could feel my own tears pooling in the corner of my eyes.

  “The only time I got to see her wear it was when we buried her.” He pulled his arm from underneath me and scrambled to the edge of the bed. His feet were on the floor, and he bent over, covering his face with his hands as he propped his elbows on his knees.

  I moved over beside him. Words couldn’t take his pain away, so I placed my hand on his back to let him know that he wasn’t alone.

  He took a deep breath. “Rachel was crushed. I tried to stay strong for her, but hell, I was hurting, too.”

  I slid off the bed and stood in front of him. Gently, I pulled his hands away from his face. “You don’t have to be strong all the time, Mason. It’s okay to hurt, to grieve.”

  He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in close until I was standing between his thighs. He squeezed me to him, pressing his cheek against my abdomen. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him in return.

  When he released me, I slid down to my knees in front of him, wondering if he was ready to continue his story.

  “Losing a child is one of those things that can rip a family apart,” he said. “I loved Rachel, but we had only married because she’d gotten pregnant. I should’ve been more careful. I guess Madison was the only thing that was really holding us together, and once she was gone, everything fell apart.

  “Rachel became withdrawn, and we had gotten to the point where we barely spoke to each other. Sometimes, I felt that she was angry with me, and maybe she was. Maybe she had reason to be.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I said softly. “Sometimes bad things happen, and we don’t understand them. We want to know why, but there aren’t any answers. All we can do is deal with them.”

  “We were young,” he whispered. “Neither of us knew how to deal with it. When Rachel pulled away from me…I don’t know…hell, I didn’t know what to do. There was a girl who came into the bar. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, Lex. I guess I wasn’t. She gave me attention, and when I was with her, I felt a little less lonely. Looking back, I can see how stupid I was. I loved Rachel, and even though I don’t think our marriage would’ve survived much longer, not a day goes by that I don’t regret what I did, the way I ended it.”

  “I’ve been in Rachel’s shoes, Mason, at least as far as the affair was concerned. It was devastating. How do you forgive someone that does something like that to you?”

  “Shit, Lexi, you don’t.” He sprang to his feet and began pacing the room. “Do you think I would’ve forgiven her if she’d done the same thing to me? Hell, no.

  “What I did made everything worse. As if losing Madison hadn’t been distressing enough, a little over a year later, I forced Rachel to deal with another traumatic event, and I’ve thought about my actions every day since it happened.”

  I remained silent, not knowing what to say to him. I hadn’t forgiven Kevin for what he’d done to me, and I knew I wasn’t the best person for Mason to co
me to if he wanted someone to tell him it was okay. Cheating was not okay. Ever.

  “I knew I could never make it up to her, so I did the only thing I could do.” He continued to pace like a caged tiger desperate to be released from his prison.

  “Rachel had a scholarship to attend college. When I got her pregnant, she gave it up and married me instead.” He laughed without humor. “Not a very good trade, huh?”

  “When we divorced, I told her that I would put her through college and that I knew it didn’t make up for what I’d done but at least she’d be able to get an education and a good job. That way she’d never have to depend on anyone else. She’d be able to take care of herself.”

  A realization dawned on me. “The money,” I said softly, thinking about the receipts I’d seen where he’d wired it to her. “That was money for school?”

  He finally stopped pacing and gazed at me, nodding. “Yeah, sort of a self-imposed penance, I guess.”

  “How long have you been sending it to her?”

  “A little over four years. I promised that I would pay over and above any assistance that she got to make sure that school didn’t cost her anything and that she could live comfortably while she was going. I just finished paying for her last bit of living expenses. She’s set to graduate at the end of the summer semester.”

  “But I saw you with her the other day, Mason. I saw her in your arms.” I could feel my anger rising up through my body.

  “Damn it, Lexi,” he shouted in frustration. “Do you hear what I’m trying to tell you? There’s nothing going on between us. That day she was here? That was Madison’s birthday. She would’ve been six. Rachel was upset, and we actually had one of the best conversations we’ve had since our divorce.

  “She even made a comment about how you’ve made me happy.”