Pause

by Micki Fredricks

  Callie’s chest rose and fell rapidly. She placed her hand over her chest, hoping to calm herself from the sudden change in mood.

  Trey pulled his cap off, squeezing it together in front of him as long strands of blonde hair fell onto his face. He felt hot and cold all at the same time as his emotions swirled around him.

  “Listen…I don’t think you should stay.”

  “Really? Why?”

  He stared at the cap in his hands, shaking his head slowly. “Don’t know. I just don’t feel like it would be a good idea to have you around.”

  Callie watched as Trey’s emotional conflict warred across his face. There were days when her storm won out too. Darkness was her blanket, the booming thunder of fear her comforting lullaby.

  She cleared her throat, “You know what? I think I’ll stay for a while. At least until your mom decides I’ve served my purpose.”

  Trey looked over his shoulder and Callie tipped her head to the side, smirking.

  “Uncle Trey! I’m waiting!” Alex yelled.

  “You'd better go,” Callie nodded in Alex’s direction.

  He ran his hand through his hair, pushing the long strands back as he put his cap back on his head. Nodding, he replied, “Yeah, she’s not exactly the patient type.”

  Six

  Trey walked a few feet behind Callie and Alex as they headed back toward the house. He watched as the two of them swung their locked hands back and forth between them, giggling about silly girl things. His heart skipped a beat when his Firefly flashed Callie a huge smile. He knew that smile. It was the one she used to give him. A heaviness settled somewhere inside of him. How could a smile, from one little girl have the power to affect him so deeply?

  Alex looked over her shoulder and Trey gave her a quick wink. He struggled to pretend the very air he was breathing wasn’t burning its way down his dry throat, but his smile felt so unnatural he gave up and looked toward the house instead.

  Alex’s sweet voice moved over Trey’s skin like a pain he constantly craved, “Uncle Trey, would you come to my school? In a few weeks, I will be the Star of the Week. That means all week long I get to be first in line, I get to help the teacher, and me and my best friend, Elle, get to have lunch with the principal! Friday is my Star Day. That means all the people I love get to come to my class and meet all my friends.”

  Callie chanced a glance behind her, unsure if she should make eye contact with Trey after their odd exchange in the barn. She didn’t trust herself around him, but she wasn’t exactly sure why. Her heart picked up speed when she noticed his reddening face. His eyes were tired, maybe even a bit scared. She remembered this feeling, the bubbles that burst inside your chest as you decided what you want to commit to versus the actual reality of what you know you’re capable of doing. Who would he lie to, Alex or himself?

  She felt the need to say something for him, or maybe it was for Alex, but her words suddenly rushed out. “Your uncle Trey is pretty busy, sweetheart. I’m sure he needs to check with his work before he can give you an answer.”

  “No, no… I can make it.” Trey’s voice was breathy like he wasn’t talking to people who were right in front of him.

  “Really?”

  “Um…sure, Firefly,” Trey reassured.

  “Yeah! And you, too, Callie. Will you come to my school?” Alex pulled on Callie’s arm.

  Callie dropped to one knee, looking at the beautiful, little girl in the eyes. “Well, I’m not sure I’ll still be here.”

  Alex’s shoulders dropped and she let out a small sigh. “Oh, you’re going to be leaving?”

  “Well, yes. Eventually. I’m only here to help your Grandma with a few things and then I will be on my way.”

  “Back to your house?” the little girl asked, too innocent to hide the disappointment in her voice.

  Callie rubbed Alex’s upper arms, comforting her. “Well, no. Just moving on to the next place I need to be. But I’ll make you a deal. If I’m still here helping your Grandma, I will be there for sure. If not, I will give your mom my phone number and she can send me the pictures from your Star Day. Deal?” Callie stood, smiling down at Alex.

  “Deal!” Alex eagerly agreed and gave Callie a jumping high five, then ran past her toward the house. “Mama, Mama! Uncle Trey said he would come to my Star Day!”

  Lauren walked out onto the porch followed by Andy, who stood a little too close to her for Trey’s liking. Eve rose from the rocking chair she had been sitting in, a concerned look on her face.

  Lauren’s face hardened for a second before she recovered and softened again for her daughter’s sake. “That’s wonderful, sweetheart.”

  Alex ran past Lauren, “Yep. I’m sure he will be,” she exclaimed as she raced inside saying something about cookies.

  Callie stopped at the bottom of the steps and Lauren gave her a weak smile before addressing Trey who still stood a few feet behind her. He didn’t know why, but he was sure it was a good idea to keep distance between himself and his rain dancer.

  “Don’t disappoint her, Trey.”

  “I won’t, Sis. Just text me the time and I’ll make sure I’m there.”

  “I’m not even sure I have your right number anymore. I’ve sent texts before and I never get a response, so I figured you changed your number.”

  “Same number, just not great at texting back.” Trey moved his weight from one foot to the other, feeling the weight of his sister-in-law’s disappointment.

  Lauren just nodded her head as she looked at the shell of a person that used to be one of her best friends. She swallowed past the lump in her throat, trying to keep everything together.

  It was bad enough to have lost Jamie, but they lost Trey at the same time. She would feel the absence of the O’Brien boys for the rest of her life but would be damned if she would let Trey do any more damage to her daughter just because she longed for his friendship.

  “Okay,” she whispered, letting her eyes fall to the ground. Andy reached out and lightly touched her elbow. She glanced back at him and smiled.

  Trey pushed down the uncomfortable feeling rising in his chest as he glared at his best friend.

  “Why did you need me to come here today?” He asked Eve as she came down the steps to meet him.

  Eve’s eyes darted to Callie.

  “Well, Trey, do I need a reason to ask you to come to the farm?”

  “No, it’s just that you made it sound like it was an emergency.”

  “Heavens, no. I just wanted to see you and I also wanted you to meet Callie. She’s going to be staying here for a little while.”

  Trey looked back and forth between his mom and Lauren.

  “Okay? You had me stop in my dirty work clothes so you could introduce me to some girl you met in one of your online gardening groups?”

  “Well, yes. I would also like you and Andy to clean out the guesthouse. She will be staying for a bit and I’ve been thinking about renting it out for some extra income anyway, so this is the perfect time to get it livable again.”

  A tingling sensation started at the base of his spine. He hadn’t been out there since before Jamie had died. There was nothing good that would come from him spending time in that guesthouse.

  “Mama, I’m sure Andy can clean that out without…”

  “Damn it, Trey Grayson O’Brien! I ask very little of you these days, other than a few hours of your time here and there, and most of the time you act like even that is an inconvenience for you. If I ask you to clean out the guesthouse for my friend, you damn well better clean out the guesthouse. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes, Ma’am,” Trey answered without another thought.

  “Good. You can start right now. Supper will be ready in one hour.” She turned on her heels and headed back into the house yelling, “Girls!”

  Lauren and Callie followed quickly without so much as a question, leaving Trey with the guy who used to be his best friend. That was until Andy had decided Jamie’s widow was fair game.
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  Trey leveled his eyes onto him.

  Andy stood motionless on the porch, his stare just as heavy on Trey. There were several minutes of silence before he spoke.

  “How ya been, man?” he asked. The awkwardness between them thick with the time that had passed since they’d last seen each other.

  Trey folded his arms across his chest. “Great. You need to mow the damn lawn and the barn needs to be painted.”

  Andy pinched his lips together and nodded his head slightly, pulling the dirty, old ballcap further down onto his head. He took a deep breath without responding. Andy had always been the type that thought things through, only spoke when he had something to say.

  Heat burned up Trey's neck as he clenched his jaw. It had always irritated him that Andy seemed to have so much more control over his emotions than he did.

  “Sorry. I’ll make some calls about the barn. Today is mowing day so that’ll be taken care of as soon as we get the guesthouse done.”

  Trey nodded once sharply. “Let’s get this shit over. I have things I need to do.” He turned back toward the guesthouse, his work boots crunching the gravel beneath him as he headed across the driveway.

  “I’m sure you do,” Andy mumbled under his breath as he climbed down the porch steps.

  Trey swung open the screen door. The key he'd gotten from its hiding place underneath the fake rock out front trembled slightly in his hand. He pushed it into the lock on the old wooden door that led into the guesthouse. Trey felt Andy only a few feet behind him and the weight of having him there suddenly came crashing down around him. He paused and swallowed past the lump in his throat as his mom’s words rang through his mind again. Trey took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

  It was like walking into a time capsule. Eve had covered all the furniture with sheets, but other than that, everything was exactly the way Trey remembered. Something in his gut twisted and he fought against tears that threatened to fall.

  The space was small, but to Trey, it was a mansion. His eyes moved over the open floor plan that he and his dad loved.

  A memory of his parents playfully fighting flooded into his mind. “Jed O’Brien,” Eve would scold, “if you love that guesthouse so much, then you can move your stuff out there. Stop talking about taking walls out of my house! I love it just the way it is!”

  “But Eve, a home is just a house if you aren’t there,” he would confess as he chased her around the kitchen.

  He recalled the hours spent carving the railing that trailed up the open stairway, leading to the loft bedroom. To the right ran a wall of cabinets in an L shape that Trey and his dad had built by hand. He ran his hand over the top of the large island separating the kitchen and the living area. An original fireplace had been redone and covered in rock from the stream that ran along their property.

  Trey’s favorite part of the entire cabin was the floor-to-ceiling windows that lined the back wall looking out onto the sloped bank that led down to the stream. French doors opened to a porch that overlooked it all.

  That’s where Jamie had propsed to Lauren.

  Trey stood frozen, not sure what to do first. Everything inside of him remembered this place. He wanted to feel comfortable – at ease. But instead, small drops of sweat formed on his brow as he tried to control his breathing.

  This was the place he had spent countless hours with the two most important people in his life. It was never meant to be a place that crushed his spirit. It was supposed to be his safe place. A comfort that only home could bring. But now it just seems like a reminder of how far away he was from all those things.

  “Are you okay?” Andy questioned as he laid a hand on Trey’s shoulder.

  Anger shot through him and he spun toward Andy, slamming a fist into his cheek. He watched as Andy stumbled backward, catching his balance just before falling to the floor.

  “What the hell?”

  Trey grabbed him by the front of the shirt, pushing him up against the wall and wrapped a hand around his neck, squeezing just enough to steal Andy’s breath. He leaned in close, noses almost touching, yelling just inches from Andy’s face. “Just what do you think you’re doing with Lauren?”

  Andy pushed against Trey's chest, “Damn it, Trey! Let me go,” he sputtered out.

  But Trey tightened his grip. “I will kill you before I let you touch her. Do you understand me? She belongs to Jamie and no one, not even you, will ever be good enough for her.”

  To Trey’s surprise, Andy’s fist caught him in the jaw, knocking him to the side as he stumbled and fell to the floor. Stars swirled in his head as he reached up to his jaw, moaning, and moving it around to make sure it wasn’t broken.

  Andy was leaned over with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath, and rubbing a hand down his neck, trying to regain his composure. He stood and walked over, looking down at Trey with a mix of anger, but also pity.

  “You can be a real asshole, you know that?” He walked toward the door, not looking back. He reached down and grabbed his cap that had been knocked off when Trey first hit him. He placed it back onto his head as he walked out the door. “I won’t tell your mom about this. It’ll just break her heart. I’m going to tell her you wanted to do it on your own and I needed to get started on the mowing.”

  He stopped with one hand on the screen door and one on his hip. He ground his teeth together, shaking his head back and forth before taking a deep breath. “You’ve been gone a long time, brother.”

  Trey lifted his head, “Not long enough to be okay for you to be screwing my sister-in-law.” Trey laid back onto the floor, running his hand through his hair.

  “You should come around more often. It makes your mom and the girls happy.” The screen door slammed behind him and Trey was left alone with his memories.

  Seven

  Callie stood at the screen door, her eyes fixed on the guesthouse as she watched smoke billow up from the chimney. Trey hadn’t come over for dinner.

  They’d even sent the big gun, Alex, over to tell him it was time to eat. She’d come bouncing back inside announcing, “Uncle Trey said he’s not in the mood to put up with this shit tonight.”

  “Alexandria!” Lauren gasped.

  “I know, Mama. I was shocked too,” she paused and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill from her pocket, waving it in the air like she had won the lottery, “but, he paid me well, so I told him we’d forgive him this time.”

  She ran out of the room, scolding over her shoulder, “But Gram, you really need to teach him to watch his cuss words when little kids are around.”

  Callie heard a shuffling behind her and turned as Lauren, Eve, and Andy entered the kitchen. She rested her back against the doorframe, inhaling deeply as a worried silence settled around them.

  “I don’t think he’s coming in,” Andy paused, looking past Callie and toward the guesthouse. “Maybe we should go to him.”

  “He just needs a little time. He’s processing a lot right now,” Eve said, leaning against the kitchen cupboards and wringing her hands in front of her. “He came here tonight. That’s progress.”

  Lauren crossed the room, taking Eve’s hands in hers. Her voice was gentle, but there was no way to soften the honesty in her words.

  “Eve, it’s been over two years. We’re losing him. If we don’t push, I’m scared he’ll be gone forever. I can’t stand the idea of losing them both, and I know you can’t either.”

  Eve took in a ragged breath and closed her eyes, covering her mouth with one hand, her heart with the other.

  Callie knew that look. She had seen it on her own mother’s face many times when the doctors would tell them Callie’s illness was stealing her life. It was the deep, emotional pain that manifested into physical pain when a mother was facing the idea of living without her own flesh and blood. She watched as Eve held tightly to herself, trying so desperately to keep it all together, but knowing to lose her youngest son would be the fatal rip to her already fragile heart.

 
Callie’s heart suddenly felt heavy and she absentmindedly brushed her fingers over her chest.

  “I’ll go talk to him,” she said quietly, surprising even herself.

  “Oh, Callie. Do you think that’s a good idea?” Eve asked, stepping toward her. “I’m just not sure.”

  Callie smiled weakly at Eve as she moved away from the door and joined her in the middle of the room. “I’ve seen this before in other grieving families. He’s buried right now, lost in his grief and guilt. It’s all he will allow himself to feel. He can’t function without it and my guess is, he doesn’t even know how to anymore.”

  “None of this is his fault,” Eve said. She pointed a finger back and forth between her and Lauren. “We have never blamed him for any of it. How do we tell him that? How do we get that through to him?”

  Callie pulled Eve into a hug before reaching for the aluminum foil covered plate sitting on the counter. She stilled, a tremor starting somewhere deep within her as she felt the importance of the moment.

  “Don’t take this wrong, but it’s not about you guys. It’s not about what you do or say, or how you get things across to him. It’s all about him. He’s doing this to himself. Deep down he knows you still love him, but sometimes that love isn’t enough to make someone want to save themselves. He has to want to keep living.”

  “How do we find out what it is he needs?” Lauren questioned, looking back and forth between Andy and Callie. “We could help him.”

  “I’m not sure he even knows at this point,” Callie said.

  “Then how? How do we save him?”

  Callie paused for a minute until finally raising both shoulders and shaking her head. “He saves himself. That’s the only way.”

  Lauren turned into Andy and buried her face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and whispered into her ear. Eve placed a comforting hand on Lauren’s back, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  Callie, consumed in her own thoughts, turned toward the door as she continued, “He’s afraid of what will happen if he allows himself to start living again. He’s so convinced he deserves to be miserable that the idea of living free of his darkness terrifies him.”