Ashes

by P. M. Briede

  When I saw Paige exiting the barn, I caught Olivier’s eye. He stood to signal the other guests to do so as well. Initially I’d been worried about her but she was holding it together with ease. Tristan and Spencer both looked to be nervous wrecks. Tristan would have met her in the aisle if Wesley hadn’t put a restraining hand on his shoulder. Spencer was shaking and was actually slowing down her approach. Finally at the altar, the officiant asked who was giving Paige away. In the only thing that was steady about him, Spencer’s voice answered, “Her family and friends.”

  It was a short ceremony. Until it was time for the exchanging of rings, I’d been successful at avoiding Wesley’s gaze. However, I didn’t need to see him to know his eyes were basking in my presence as they memorized, catalogued, and filed every detail. This angered me because he wasn’t maintaining his role at all. Plus, it was hard to keep from turning to him. So I purposely kept my body angled away. But I made a fatal mistake to flick my hair off my face after handing Paige Tristan’s ring and when my vision settled Wesley was fully centered in it.

  I hadn’t noticed just how well the suit fit and flattered him in the shadows of the barn and I’d been too peeved to pay attention while we walked together. Now, unable to look anywhere else, my mouth salivated from sheer desire. The sun made his hair shine like the golden farm fields of the heartland. His skin held no errant shadows from any imperfections. The shirt and suit weren’t skin tight, but they were flawlessly fitted and molded to the lines of his entire form. He radiated strength and confidence and I prayed everyone would think the blush creeping along my skin was from the warmth of the sun and not the warmth of his eyes.

  Shuddering both from the sense memory of his hands trailing along my flesh and the sudden breeze that blew up, I closed my eyes and all rational thought returned. I carefully shifted myself to turn away from Wesley before opening my eyes so as to not be imprisoned again. The horizon stretched out before me and I decided to lose myself in the memory of my childhood when I would run free through the fields. I was brought back to reality when Wesley cleared his throat and nudged me with his elbow. “I believe it’s time for us to follow the groom and his bride.” Without a word, I placed my hand in the crook of his elbow and let him lead me back to the barn.

  Celeste was already giving multiple instructions while snapping pictures of the newlyweds. After a silent exchange with Tristan, Wesley straightened his arm to grip my hand and I found myself being drawn up the steps to the loft part of the barn. At the top of the stairs, he momentarily paused before settling on a destination. I quickly learned it was the most inconspicuous and darkest corner he could find yet still have line of sight on the stairs.

  I opened my mouth to ask him what was going on when there was a forceful tug on my arm, tipping my balance until I fell into his chest. His lips captured mine, ensnaring my gasp between us. I reflexively succumbed to the insistent demands of his tongue, hands, and hips. My hands made their way under his jacket as they compared his identity and reality to those of my memories. If I was ever asked how long I let Wesley kiss me, I’d die before ever being able to give an accurate answer. It could have been seconds, but it felt like years. Though I couldn’t breathe I was unwilling to relinquish his decadent flavor, so I’d pause to inhale quickly and deeply before resuming the exploration of his mouth.

  Wesley apparently had other ideas. One of his hands released its hold on my waist and followed the line of my body until his palm was on the back of my neck with his fingers tangled in my hair. With a growl and a passionate pull, he tore our lips apart and tilted my head back and to the side, instantly burying his face in the newly exposed curve of my neck. I hadn’t noticed his other hand until it covered my mouth to keep the moan from filtering down to my stepmother. Anyone else and I’d have been infuriated by the move, but with Wesley there was such trust that I found myself just melting into him.

  Confident I would not put an end to his caresses at my neck and collarbone, his hand slid back down to start bunching up my skirt. “Please, my love,” his lips pleaded in my ear. “I need you.” The waves of lust that had been sweeping through my body fell flat, putting an end to my loss of control. My eyes popped open and the hands that had been resting on his shoulders for balance, fisted around his shirt so I could push back. His head snapped up so fast I heard the pop in his neck and the hand at my mouth flew away as if burned. Those passionate, brown eyes were almost my undoing, but I forced myself to focus on where we were and who could find us, and all the reasons why we absolutely should not be doing this.

  “We can’t, Wesley,” I hissed breathlessly as I rested my head on his shoulder in depressing resignation.

  “Don’t. Don’t you do that. Don’t call me Wesley. Darling, love, amator, you call me anything other than Wesley. Not now. Not after that.” His words and their desperation broke my heart. Tears sprang to my eyes and I fought to keep them from spilling down my cheeks. His arms held me in a hold so tight I could only liken it to how a mouse must feel when caught by a constrictor. “Love, please. Just say it once.”

  The words choked me but I didn’t relent. “You know I can’t. You know why I can’t.”

  As if the dam holding back the ferocity of his feelings for the last few months shattered, in a rush all of his emotions poured forth. “It’s a weak excuse at best and we’ve let them rule over our lives and our love since the beginning. Listening to Paige and Tristan speak of their undying love and share that with the world, I steadily grew angry and jealous. That should have been us, Charlotte. When you told me your choice I understood all that went with it at the time but I need you to change your mind. I’m tired of living alone. I can’t continue without you by my side. You belong to me. You know you do. I’m not leaving tomorrow without you.”

  I had to get Wesley to stop. He couldn’t keep speaking this way. He couldn’t keep saying these things. It didn’t do any good and all it did was hurt us both. I chastised myself for kissing him. “Wesley, stop,” I begged in a barely audible voice. “You have to stop!” I wanted to pull away and run from him but there was no point in trying as it would have been a colossal waste of energy. Throughout his rant, his arms did not loosen. If anything they grew tighter.

  “Look at me!” Wesley demanded in a low growl. All I could do was shake my head. If I tried to speak I’d sob. “Look at me, Charlotte!” I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for his fingers to catch my chin and force my head up. They never came. Instead, he gave me a slight shake and demanded my full attention again. This wouldn’t end until I stood my ground and faced him like an adult. I lifted my eyes to his and saw the tears sitting heavy in them. Immediately, my cheeks grew wet in response. I braced myself for his impassioned and aggressive arguments. My defenses crumbled when his broken voice continued. “It should be you and I. It always should have been you and I. Don’t do this to me, Charlotte! Love?” Wesley paused awaiting an answer I couldn’t give. “The truth is in your eyes. I can see it right now. I need to face this day, this week, this month, eternity with you!”

  What was I going to do? He was right. I wasn’t immune to him. We were like magnets or gravity. No matter where he was, I always felt his pull and could never successfully ignore him for long. But what he was suggesting would mean our immediate execution by our enemies. There was nowhere to hide and I’d already made a commitment to myself to make decisions which guaranteed our lives. Even though it was a useless endeavor until Wesley released me, I struggled to get free of him.

  A dark shadow passed over his face and his arms fell away from me. “Fine!” he spat viciously. “If I’m not what you want then go. Don’t worry that you’re leaving me lost in the wilderness!”

  I froze, struck dumb by the impact of his horrible words. How could he say that to me?! I’d always feared he would one day ask me for something I couldn’t give and regret me but I never thought it would be now. After that did he still consider me his…

  “You didn’t mean that.” My thoughts interrupted, I sp
un around to see Olivier approaching us from the stairs. His jaw was set grimly and his entire body was tense. “You shouldn’t have said that to her.” Still stunned by the verbal blow Wesley had thrown at me, I found myself sheltered in Olivier’s comforting embrace.

  “This is none of your business at all, CHEVAL!” I’d never seen Wesley so angry at anyone other than maybe Abigail. But that was quite a bit different. She’d abused him. He reached out for me as if to snatch me from Olivier’s arms, but Olivier shifted me out of reach.

  “If it hurts Charlotte then it is my business, BREAUX! You need to pull yourself together. I get that this is exceedingly difficult for you but it is not an excuse to lash out at her. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me.” Olivier’s attempt to detour Wesley’s sudden wrath worked because Wesley pulled himself away from the wall and took a menacing step towards us. Before I knew it I found myself at Olivier’s back and being ordered by the both of them to leave.

  Paige’s laugh from downstairs brought me some relief as it appeared no one had been alerted to the vile cruelty taking place in the loft. Sweeping under Olivier’s arm, I put myself between them. “Enough of this,” I quietly hissed. “Wesley, I will avoid you as much as I reasonably can the rest of the reception if that is your wish. But you will slap a smile on that face and make everyone believe you are blissfully happy for your friends or you will answer to me for it. Is that understood?” With a curt nod, Wesley spun on his heel and made for the stairs without a backwards glance.

  Sighing, I caught my head in my hands. What had just happened? I knew yesterday there could be no true peace and contentment for us all. Why had I fooled myself into believing there could be, even on a day like today? The feel of silk against my fingers alerted me to Olivier’s offer of his handkerchief to clean up my own face. He was patient and unobtrusive while I pulled myself together. “Do you need me to go to the house and get anything for you?”

  His generous offer brought a slight smile to my face and I shook my head. I looked into his face. “How bad is it?”

  “Since you obviously almost started a war just now, you know you are still beautiful.” His warm eyes reinforced his charming words.

  Now that actually did make me laugh and I was grateful to him for the compliment. “That’s very sweet, charissimus. But how obvious is it that I was crying?”

  “They’ll know,” Olivier acknowledged with a smile. “But they don’t have to know it was from a disagreement with Breaux. They’ll all probably assume they are tears of joy for Paige.” He had a point. It wasn’t unheard of for people to cry at weddings. “They were looking for the two of you and were just about to come find you when I walked into the barn. I wasn’t eavesdropping. I just missed you. I take it Breaux wasn’t happy with everything that accompanied your choice?”

  In a way that was true so I avoided looking into Olivier’s eyes by hugging him. I didn’t want him to read the entirety of my altercation with Wesley in my mind. It would just hurt Olivier as well. Would there ever be a day when we wouldn’t accidently or purposely hurt one another? “He’ll come to his senses and beg for your forgiveness,” Olivier tenderly offered. “Until then, you know I’m here for you.” His arms had wrapped around me automatically and one hand was soothingly stroking through my hair while the thumb of the other traced circles at the small of my back.

  My name was called from below so I reluctantly removed myself from Olivier’s comforting arms. After I brushed a kiss on his cheek I made for the stairs. For once I actually heard him following right behind me. When I reached the bottom Wesley was standing off to the side waiting for Celeste to dictate where she wanted us in the pictures. I made no effort to reach out for him, keeping my word that as much as I could I’d avoid him.

  When Celeste was done with us, Tristan moved and put a companionable hand on Wesley’s shoulder but Wesley just shrugged it off and left the barn. Paige turned questioning eyes on me. “Another time and I’ll tell you but it’s nothing you need to worry about now. This is your day remember?” I paused to smirk at her. She smiled before joining her husband, taking his hand, and leading him to their quaint reception. I’d never been more jealous over such a simple act.

  Olivier and I joined my parents at a table and dinner proceeded without any further interruptions. None of us said much. I focused in on the trilling laughter I heard from Paige’s table as I watched them instantly go from a man dating a woman with teenage children to a family. It warmed my heart to see them so at peace with each other and I hoped they stayed that way forever.

  As the sun started to fade, the Christmas lights we’d strung in the table umbrellas, along the barn, and through the sparse trees, lit up. At Paige’s and Tristan’s approach to the dance floor, the DJ kicked off the party with the happy couple’s first dance which was to Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together. During the final chorus I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I looked over I found Wesley with his arm outstretched, palm up. “I believe our dance is next.” There was a childlike smile on his face and he no longer looked as though he wanted nothing to do with me.

  With my hand in his he led me to the dance floor and it was a good thing to. No sooner had I accepted his hand then within two steps from the table I stumbled and almost fell. He chuckled while catching me. “Too much to drink tonight, Charlotte?” Wesley teased. I actually hadn’t had anything. For some odd reason alcohol did not sound appealing at all, even to celebrate my best friend’s nuptials.

  Waiting for the song to end, we stood on the edge of the dance floor, seemingly back to normal. But when Paige and Tristan departed the floor and I found myself enveloped in Wesley’s arms, I suddenly felt immensely awkward. I was unsure where to put my hand, how close to stand to him, or where to look. My feet were rooted in place when the soft guitar and piano began playing through the speakers. Wesley pulled me a little closer to him, rested his cheek on my forehead, and whispered in my ear to relax. His toes nudged at mine and was all I needed to get moving again. “There’s my girl,” he sensually whispered.

  I loved the song Paige had picked for Wesley and me. Ray LaMontagne’s Let It Be Me kind of summed up our relationship in a truthfully sung emotion. When the first verse kicked up I completely relaxed into his tender embrace. I closed my eyes, my hand slid from his shoulder to his bicep, and my feet shifted me even closer to him. God, how had I forgotten how wonderful he smelled? How could a scent drum up such desire? No one else affected me in this way and I breathed him deeply into my soul.

  “I’m sorry, Charlotte.” His breath caressed my neck. “What I said in the barn wasn’t fair. It’s just hard being here with Abigail and seeing you with Cheval. I wish…”

  “I know what you wish, Wesley. I wish for it too, but we can’t change the past, or even the present. It happened, whether we wanted it to or not. All we can do is make plans to hopefully improve our future. Just please tell me you don’t resent me. I don’t think I could live with that.” I’d missed him so much. I knew we shouldn’t be as close to each other as we were. I knew we shouldn’t look as comfortable to be in the arms of the other as we did. But he was my oldest and most cherished friend and I couldn’t act like I hated him anymore. The mere idea of doing so any longer this evening was driving me crazy.

  Wesley spun me so his back was to the tables and quickly kissed my temple. “I don’t resent you,” he answered. “I resent myself. I resent everything this has cost us and I’m tired, so very tired. It continues to cost us every day. I miss you.”

  “I’m right here. You can’t get rid of me so easily.” He didn’t respond so I said nothing more.

  As the notes faded away, I forced my feet to carry me away from Wesley. As we walked back to our respective tables, partners, and families, I noticed Alexander stand to shake Wesley’s hand and pat him on the back. With the wedding party dances complete, the DJ kicked off the party with a more upbeat number. Olivier pulled me onto the floor and feeling I was currently on the upswing of my wretched pendulum, I de
cided to just go with it. Wesley and I were back to being as okay as could be expected given our circumstances. Olivier was there to look out for me. Paige and Tristan were somewhat oblivious to the evening’s drama. Yup, this was probably as good as the evening was going to get so I should enjoy it until my life swings the other way again, which could happen at any moment.

  In Olivier’s arms on the dance floor, we were interrupted by Regina. “I’m sorry dear, but have you seen Wesley?” I peered around to see if I could catch a glimpse of him. Olivier did the same. He did have the advantage of height. After a quick inspection we looked at each other and shook our heads.

  “He’s not with Abigail?” I asked. She shook her head and stated it was actually Abigail looking for him. Something wasn’t right. It wasn’t like Wesley to wander off without letting anyone know. But it was possible he had sought out some solitude from Abigail. Olivier said he would go check the barn and I turned to Paige and Tristan trying to decide if it was worth breaking up their dance to see if Wesley had talked to them. I settled on waiting until Olivier returned and planned to carry on a casual conversation with Regina.

  “He’s a sweet man but not right for you, Charlotte,” she observed.

  Having forgotten exactly how blunt she was, I blinked and turned my surprised eyes on her. “Excuse me?” I responded. Had her eyes always been so green?

  “Oh, I believe you understood me perfectly well, dear girl.” She peered over my shoulder, looking for something, then grabbed my elbow and moved me to the edge of the dance floor which opened up into the field in front of the wood. “I love my daughter but Wesley deserves more,” she confessed in a rush. “He deserves you. Now I just remembered that I think I saw him take off in that direction.” Her hand motioned out towards the woods. “I’ll keep Olivier company while you go check on our boy.” When I didn’t instantly take off across the field she gave me a little shove. “Go now, Charlotte, before it’s too late.” With that Regina turned away and headed towards the barn.