To Love A Monster

by Marina Simcoe

  However, I couldn’t lie to myself—I needed him too. I was leaving to spend Christmas with my mother, but I had already promised to come back for New Year’s to celebrate it with him.

  My last day, we roasted marshmallows in the fireplace in the living room and drank hot chocolate.

  We said goodbye at the house before I left that afternoon, but driving to the road, I caught a flash of brown fur between the tree trunks—Monster obviously decided to see me off.

  I pulled over to the side of the road and walked back to the end of the driveway.

  “You should have told me you wanted to see me off, I would’ve given you a ride.” I called into the trees.

  “I wouldn’t fit in the truck.” He pointed at his horns, stepping out on the driveway from behind the tree line. “Anyway, I like running.”

  His chest heaved, but his breathing had slowed down as he came closer. One hand on the chain-ink fence on the side of the driveway, he remained behind the invisible property line.

  “Did you want to say another goodbye?” I smiled.

  “Honestly?” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I was hoping for a goodbye hug.”

  I studied his now familiar face, the way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he looked at me, the warmth of his expression.

  Did I really use to find him scary?

  Even his size, the imposing height and bulk of him no longer felt intimidating to me. If anything, his appearance promised safety and protection.

  I stepped over the invisible barrier and into his arms.

  “This will help me make it through the week without you,” he whispered above my ear, holding me close.

  Warm and firm, it was a hug that, for as long as it lasted, made everything right with the world. I pressed my face into the fragrant softness of his fur, wishing we could just stay like this forever. It felt so wrong leaving him behind, especially at Christmas.

  “I’ll come back.”

  “I know.” His voice didn’t hold much conviction, though. And I remembered that he must have heard the same promise from David.

  I leaned back to catch his eye.

  “Is there anything you’d like me to bring for you this time?”

  The afternoon sun brought out warm orange flecks in the brilliant mix of green and brown in his gaze.

  “Just you, princess.” A faint low rumble in his voice resonated through me as his eyes flickered between mine.

  If only I could take him with me somehow.

  Curling my fingers in the fur on his biceps, I rose to my toes impulsively and planted a kiss on tip of his nose.

  The rumble in his chest grew louder, and his arms tightened around me.

  “Please, come back,” he pleaded.

  “I will,” I promised.

  Chapter 27

  CHRISTMAS AT HOME WAS fun and chaotic as usual. My mom and her friends made every gathering special, if a little crazy at times.

  Jeff spent two days with us. Watching him dote on my mom filled my heart with gratitude. And seeing Mom bloom with happiness under his attention, made me happy too.

  Jeff’s Christmas gift to my mom was a weeklong cruise in the Caribbean. And Mom squealed like a little girl when she unwrapped the tickets.

  They left a couple of days after Christmas to ring in New Year’s on the cruise ship, and I was supposed to leave for Rocky River two days later, on the earliest flight available.

  Thoughts of Monster wouldn’t leave me. I wondered what he was doing almost every minute of the day. His future, spending the rest of his life as a prisoner on the remote estate, seemed tragic. And the fact that he never had a chance to right the wrong he’d done felt unfair.

  Once I was left alone in the house, with all the craziness of the holidays behind, I found myself in front of my laptop, trying to figure out a way to search for Cecilia.

  Monster couldn't give me much information about her when I asked. To his chagrin, he didn’t remember anything about her beyond her name and appearance. And I was worried that trying to find her now would be like looking for a needle in a haystack.

  On the other hand, wouldn’t the ability to turn a man into a beast make Cecilia a rather unique woman?

  I typed ‘Cecilia, the magic witch’ in the browser’s search bar.

  The search results that came back were ordinary and benign—video games, children’s books, fantasy illustrations. No women with that name who had supposed magical powers either.

  Clicking on one result after another, I delved deeper and deeper. Witchcraft, demonology, rituals of summoning spirits, magical spells, life beyond death—things that appeared at once fascinating and unbelievable, and sometimes even disturbing.

  It amazed me how vast that world seemed to be, how many people had an active part in it, and how many believed.

  After hours spent sifting through pages of information, the most promising result I could come up with was a woman named Cecilia, who was listed as a guest speaker at a witchcraft fair held in New Orleans in March.

  Unsurprisingly, there was no contact information available for her on the website, but after opening an account with the organization and paying the small membership fee, I was able to email the event organizers.

  In my message to them I attempted to be as specific as possible to catch Cecilia’s attention, without providing too much personal information, to make her understand I was not just a random person. I begged for her to get in touch with me, desperately hoping that it was indeed the right Cecilia.

  If it was, and if she really cursed Monster somehow, then maybe after all these years her wrath had worn off? Maybe if she knew of Monster’s remorse, she could reverse what she’d done and release him from his prison?

  DARKNESS SUFFOCATED me. The crushing weight pinning me down . . . My silent scream helpless in its desperation . . .

  With a loud gasp I sat up in bed, doubling in half, as my heart beat high in my throat.

  Another nightmare.

  I touched my forehead beaded with sweat.

  Again.

  I stared into the darkness of my bedroom in Calgary, unseeing. A long breath in. Pause. A slow breath out. Waiting for my pulse to slow down and the panic to recede.

  With another deep inhale, I got out of bed and flicked the lights on. Without Monster here to keep the darkness at bay, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep any more tonight.

  I walked into the kitchen and filled the kettle with water to make myself a cup of tea. My gaze fell on my shaking hands.

  It will pass. It’ll all pass soon.

  Only it hadn’t passed, had it? It’d been year after year of the same—living in fear of another nightmare, always scared to go to bed alone as evening approached.

  And after years of fighting it, I still hadn’t made any real progress on conquering it on my own. On the contrary, the fear had spilled from my nightmares into the reality, taking over many aspects of my life.

  Anxiety filled my brain, rendering me unable to focus on anything for long and often making it impossible to make a simplest decision.

  How many relationships had I started, only to have them fail almost as soon as they’d began because almost every attempt at intimacy with a man brought on the same devastating panic. Fear made me unable to relax in a man’s arms and enjoy his touch.

  The water in the kettle boiled, triggering the automated shutoff switch. Still, I sat there, staring at it, without making a move.

  How long was I going to let fear dictate my life? And could there ever be a way to stop the nightmares? I was so tired of being afraid of the night.

  I longed to feel a man’s weight over me one day and have my heart fill with excitement instead of dread.

  Determined, I got up and found my cellphone.

  I knew the number by heart. So many times, I’d given it to women in shelters, urging them to call for help whenever they needed it. There was always someone on the other end of the line, ready to listen, day and night, and they had a whole list of reso
urces for further assistance.

  Yet I had never dialed it myself. I believed with all my heart that there was help out there but had spent years alternating between being afraid to ask for it and being in denial that I needed any.

  Just the thought of setting the dark memories free by talking to someone about them used to paralyze me with fear.

  Now that I had opened up to Monster, I knew I was capable of doing it again. I could be stronger than the nightmares, and dialing the number was my first step on the way to win over them.

  “Crisis line,” a friendly female voice greeted me. “How are you doing tonight?”

  With a bracing inhale, I said the three little words that proved to be nearly impossible to say out loud, “I need help.”

  Chapter 28

  AS I APPROACHED MONSTER’S estate, I almost swerved off the road, searching for a glimpse of russet fur between the tree trunks behind the chain-link fence. I missed him while away. The need to see him now was almost painful.

  I left Rocky River immediately after a very early breakfast, and it was still morning when I got to the fence, a couple of hours before my usual arrival time.

  The gate was open, but I couldn’t spot Monster’s shape anywhere as I drove Bob’s truck up the driveway.

  I parked in the carport and opened the back of the truck to get out the supplies I brought with me.

  “Welcome back.” The gruff, familiar voice behind made me jump in surprise, immediately filling me with joy.

  “There you are!” I turned to face him, happiness from seeing him again floated weightlessly through me.

  He stood a couple of feet away, the wide grin on his face left his snow-white fangs on display.

  “I was by the river.” He gestured east. “It’s so, so nice to have you back, Sophie.” His voice strained, his hands twitched at his sides, but he didn’t come closer.

  “Oh, Monster,” I exhaled, closing the distance between us and wrapping my arms tightly around him. The happy feeling radiated through me. “I missed you.”

  “You did?” The note of disbelief in his voice made me squeeze him more.

  “Very much.”

  His big, strong arms went around me, his large body surrounding me. The fresh smell of winter on his fur and the warm spice of his skin underneath enveloped me, and I drew in a lungful, unable to resist the invigorating mix. I splayed my hands on his back, enjoying the feel of the hard planes of muscles under his fur.

  “I missed you too, Sophie.” He tucked my head under his chin and buried his face in my hair. “I’ve waited for this.” He drew me in closer until there was no space left between us at all. “Just to hold you again.”

  “YOU HAVE A CHRISTMAS tree!”

  The fresh scent of pine needles filled the air, coming from the decorated tree standing in the living room next to the fireplace.

  “It’s gorgeous.” I walked closer. The strings of red and yellow lights on it turned out to be outdoor patio lights, shaped like pineapples and miniature red plastic cups.

  “These were all I found up in the attic.” Monster had taken the grocery bags to the kitchen and now stood right behind me.

  “Well, this makes it by far the most unique Christmas tree I’ve ever seen. Too bad I wasn’t here to help you decorate it. We should’ve done it before I left.”

  “Nah. I didn’t want it here while you were gone. But it feels right, now that you’re back.”

  I smiled, turning around to face him. “I brought champagne for me and popcorn for you, Popcorn Monster.”

  “A true celebration then!” He laughed heartily.

  Watching him, I realized it was the first time I’d ever heard him laugh. Not chuckle or snicker, but laugh. Open and happy.

  “A true celebration, Monster.”

  HE HELPED ME ORGANIZE the supplies and groceries. The heating at the house was functioning well, the propane tanks outside had been filled before Christmas, and Monster had a generator supplying electricity for now because the solar panels and their connection were still in the process of being repaired.

  Through our combined effort of the past weeks, the house was warm and cozy, despite its gargantuan size. The cold and snow outside made me appreciate the warmth inside that much more.

  “The ice along the river is the thickest I’ve seen,” Monster remarked, sweeping the floors in the kitchen while I did the dishes after lunch.

  “Hopefully, you’ll get running water here next week, so you’ll never have to go swimming in the icy river again.” I shivered at the thought of having to bathe outside in the winter.

  “Oh, I’ll still be swimming, princess. Running water or not.”

  “Really?” I placed the last cup on the rack to dry and turned to face him. “Even on a day like today?”

  “Sure.” He dumped the garbage from the dustpan into the bin and put the broom away. “I was going to swim this morning, right before you came.”

  “Did I interrupt you on your way for an icy dip?”

  “Something I didn’t mind at all.” With a tip of his claw, he carefully moved a strand of hair away from my face.

  “Do you really enjoy it?” I dropped the dishcloth on the counter.

  “Very much.” He slid his gaze to my lips and swept the sharp points of his teeth with his tongue.

  “Swimming in the river, I mean,” I clarified, unsure if we were still talking about the same thing.

  He closed his eyes, swallowing hard.

  “Sure.” He glanced my way again, taking a step back. “I love swimming.”

  “Okay then. Let’s go to the river.”

  “Together?”

  “Yep, I’ll come with you. Just give me a minute.”

  I quickly threw on my winter clothes then ran to the closest bathroom to grab a towel.

  “Do you want to swim, too?” He eyed the towel in my hands.

  “Oh no!” I laughed. “I’ll walk to the river with you. I’m not jumping in, though. At least not as long as there is still any ice in the water.”

  “Why the towel then?”

  “For you,” I replied, on my way to the front door.

  “For me?” Monster followed. “Really? You think I need one?”

  “Come on, it’s freezing.” I shuddered as we stepped outside.

  It was cold even for the end of December. Dressed as warmly as I was, the frost still nipped at the exposed skin of my face as we followed the well-worn path to the east end of his property.

  “One of many advantages of having thick fur—I rarely get cold.”

  “One of many? What are other advantages of having fur?”

  “Um . . .” He stared at the sky above us for a second then exhaled a laugh, making me smile too. “I really can’t think of any others.”

  After a while, the noise of water rushing between rocks announced that the stream was close. In a few more minutes, I glimpsed the riverbank between the trees.

  “This time of the year, I can only swim in that part over there.” Monster pointed at an area of relatively placid water. “Everywhere else there are either too many rocks here or the ice is too thick. The rest of the open water is on the other side of the property line—I can’t get to it.”

  The reminder of the invisible but impenetrable boundaries of his prison dampened my easy mood.

  Please, let it be the right Cecilia, I prayed, thinking to the email I’d sent. And please, give him a chance to be free again.

  To avoid giving him hope only to possibly disappoint him later, I’d decided not to mention anything about the email to him for now.

  “Watch this, princess!” Monster’s excited voice brought me back to the moment.

  He ripped his jeans off quickly and dashed for the open pool of water with a clear layer of thin ice formed over it.

  He jumped from the rocks at the edge. His body stretched into a graceful arch in the air before crashing through the ice and entering the freezing water in a smooth dive.

  A wave of shivers ran a
long my spine as I watched the loose shards of ice close over him once he’d fully submerged into the darkness of the pool.

  Crazy man.

  I shook my head, clutching the towel to my chest.

  His long spiraling horns re-appeared first then his head rose over the surface, shaking the water out of his mane. He waved at me and swam with long, confident strokes towards the icy edge.

  His hands on the rocks, he heaved himself up and out of the river. The water flattened his fur, plastering it to his body in a thin layer clinging to the muscle underneath.

  I watched, as if in slow motion, the thick biceps and the ropy muscles of his forearms ripple and bulge. His massive shoulders rolled as he pushed off the rock, straightening to his full height.

  My heart sped up, threatening to jump out onto the ice-covered rocks beneath my feet.

  Broad chest. Perfectly flat stomach. The layer of wet fur could not disguise the hard edges of the well-defined squares of his abs. Trim waist. The sharp V of his lower stomach, narrowing down to . . .

  I should’ve looked away. He had come too close by now, close enough to see exactly where my gaze was directed. I should not have continued staring, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his body.

  Obviously, cold didn’t bother him in any way whatsoever. Despite the freezing water and only at half-mast, his erection still appeared massive, bobbing between his thick, muscular thighs with every step he took.

  Heat flushed my face and pooled between my legs, as I stood there, my eyes wide and my heart racing. My lips parted when he reached me, his heavy gaze on my burning face.

  “Don’t look at me like that, princess,” he rasped. His eyes flickered between mine before settling on my mouth. He lifted his hand to my face—his thumb a hairsbreadth from touching my bottom lip—then moved back from me. “Please. It makes it impossible to stay away from you.”

  “Stay away?” I whispered, my whole body swaying his way as if under the influence of a powerful magnet.