To Love A Monster

by Marina Simcoe

  With a low growl, he tore his stare from me then took a few steps to the side and lowered to all fours. His paws in a wide stance, he shook the water out of his hide, looking very much like a humongous dog.

  Water flew through the air in every direction. A few of the drops hit my face, bringing me out of my stupor.

  The next second, he bolted past me—still on all fours—and disappeared into the forest.

  After a moment of confusion, I realized what he was doing. For whatever reason, he was reminding me of what he was—a beast, an animal.

  Only, it was too late. I had already discovered the man underneath his rough appearance—fur, horns, and all. For me, he had been a person more than a beast for a long time now. He was a friend, who listened, whose company I enjoyed. Someone who made me feel safe.

  And someone who, apparently, could render me speechless and make me weak at the knees.

  When it came to Monster, I craved being close to him. I didn’t want him to stay away.

  The affection for him that had warmed my heart for weeks grew impossibly hotter—exciting but unfamiliar and a little bit scary in its intensity. I’d never felt this way about anyone before and needed time to absorb it all.

  Clutching the useless towel, I picked up his discarded jeans and started on my way back to the house.

  I was sure Monster was near, watching me from the woods somewhere. I knew he wouldn’t leave me to walk alone. With a cougar on the property, he never let me out of his sight. But his reasons for staying hidden worried me.

  At the house, I got everything ready to make dinner, wondering if Monster would join me, or would he hunt just to prove that he was indeed an animal?

  An hour dragged by, and I was beginning to really worry about him. True, the woods had been his home, but there were dangers out there, even for him. The cougar. Slick, icy rocks at the river, leading to deep, treacherous water. Occasional bears and wolves . . . My overactive imagination was coming up with more and more perils as the time passed.

  I paced in front of the fireplace, wondering if I should go out there in search of him, when the door finally opened and Monster walked in, on all fours.

  I twisted around to face him, an overwhelming sense of relief flooding me.

  “Where have you been?” I rushed to him. “Are you okay?”

  He didn’t reply, sitting down on his haunches, like a giant dog. For a second, I almost envisioned him scratching behind his ear with his hind paw to complete the illusion and really drive his point across.

  “Is it more comfortable for you?” I asked quietly since he continued to remain silent. “Is it easier to walk on four legs instead of two? Do you force yourself to stay bipedal for my sake?”

  “It’s not a matter of comfort. Some things are easier done on two legs, others on four.” He wasn’t looking at me when he spoke. Instead, his eyes were diverted somewhere behind me.

  “Why do you insist on remaining on all fours now?”

  “I—” He drew in a lungful of air and finally glanced my way. “I’m unsure who I am, Sophie. Around you, I have this uncontrollable urge to be a man, the best man I could be—”

  “Then be one.”

  “But I’m not. Look at me!”

  His eyes met mine, challenging me to disprove what I saw.

  “It’s not about looks.” I got down on my knees in front of him, since he wouldn’t get up. “It’s not about your appearance to me, not anymore, and you know it. Why are you trying to convince me otherwise?”

  “Because you have to see me as nothing else but an animal, Sophie, a monster.” His chest heaved and his hands fisted at his side. “I can’t give you up anymore, even as I know it would be the right thing to do. The only right thing to do. But I need you, more than anything in this life. Every time you leave, I exist only knowing that you’ll come back.”

  My breath hitched, and my hand rose to cup his face, but he leaned back, evading my touch.

  “Having you near is torture of another kind, though. When you look at me with this tenderness, this longing . . . when you touch me—” his eyes closed for a moment, a grimace flashed across his face. “I can’t stay away,” he groaned. His voice dipped lower. “I want you. I want everything.”

  “Is that why you have to stay away? Are you . . . are you afraid I’d run again?” I thought about the last time he lost control around me and I fled in confusion and fear. I could hardly blame him for pushing me away now, could I?

  “I have no right to feel upset about that night, Sophie.” He shook his head. “I can only be grateful that you came back.”

  I was unable to tear my gaze from the green-brown forest in his eyes.

  “Why stay away then?” My voice was barely audible. “And what do I do if I want you close?”

  “Sophie.” His voice held a warning, and his whole body vibrated with tension. “You have no idea who I am—”

  “But I do.” I stared at him in my own challenge now. “I know who you are to me. You’re a man I care deeply about. A man I missed terribly when I was away. You make me feel the way no one else ever has. With you, I’m not afraid to be myself. I don’t have to pretend. You make me feel safe. When you’re close, I can breathe easily, the world is no longer a scary place, and life itself seems to be simpler and manageable. Don’t you see, Monster?” My voice shook, and I took a deep breath to steady it. “I need you. I need you just as much as you need me. Maybe more. Please, don’t push me away,” I pleaded, raising my hand back to his face again.

  A sigh of relief escaped my chest, as he leaned into my touch this time.

  “It can’t be wrong for you to want me if I want you too, can it?” I asked quietly.

  The growl in his chest resonated somewhere deep inside me, making all my limbs warm and weak at once.

  “Do you really want this, Sophie?”

  I cupped his face with both hands now, smoothing his mane away.

  “What I feel for you is like nothing I ever felt for anyone else. It’s so very new. I’m not sure I can explain it, but I want more of it. More of your words, your touch . . .”

  Finally, his fists relaxed, and he placed his hands on my waist, holding me carefully, as if I were made of glass.

  I slid my hands through his mane to the back of his neck.

  “I want more of your hugs,” I whispered, as he drew me closer with yet another deep growl. “More of your smell.” I buried my face in his mane at his shoulder. “Please, give me more of you.”

  “You’d be appalled by what you may uncover,” he warned in a whisper.

  “The more I learn about the man hiding inside the beast, the more I like him,” tightly wrapped in his embrace now, I replied with certainty.

  A deep, shuddering breath heaved his chest and shoulders.

  “As you wish, Sophie. I can’t deny you anything. I can never be the man you deserve, but I’ll die trying.”

  WE HAD DINNER SIDE by side, at the kitchen counter.

  “Would you stay with me?” I asked hesitantly when he walked me up the stairs to the bedroom.

  “If it’ll make you happy,” he replied simply.

  “It will.” I smiled, taking his hand in mine.

  The room seemed more cozy than scary this time. Thanks to the generator, the lights went on with the click of the switch, and the flames in the fireplace appeared warm and inviting rather than intimidating.

  “Sleep, princess.” Monster tucked the covers around me after I had changed into my nightgown in the bathroom and climbed in bed. “I’ll sit right here.”

  “You can lie down. Under the covers. If you want,” I suggested hesitantly, unsure of his reaction.

  He seemed to ponder my offer for a moment then silently flicked the lights off and climbed in bed, leaving his jeans on. The mattress dipped under his weight, and the massive bed frame groaned.

  “Are you a cuddler?” I whispered in the semi-darkness of the room.

  “I’ve no idea,” he snorted. “I haven’
t had many opportunities to find out.”

  “I guess I should warn you—I cuddle. A lot.”

  “Do you now?”

  “Yep. I love spooning. And I prefer to be the big spoon.”

  He rose on his elbow, facing me.

  “What on Earth are you talking about, Sophie?”

  “Come, I’ll show you. Turn your back to me.”

  He shook his head but did as I told him.

  “Here we go,” I exhaled, settling at his back and throwing one arm around his middle. “This is my favourite way to fall asleep,” I murmured, pressing the side of my face to the thick fur on his back.

  His torso vibrated with a chuckle.

  “So, you’re basically using me as a body pillow.”

  “Mmmhmm.” I nuzzled between his shoulder blades. “A big, scruffy body pillow. Do you mind?”

  The long, silky fur of his tail brushed against the back of my leg as he wound it around my calf, anchoring me to him.

  “Not at all,” he replied softly and added after a small pause. “I might even get used to this.”

  Chapter 29

  “ARE YOU SURE YOU DON't want any champagne? It’s New Year’s,” I asked, holding up the bottle after pouring a glass for myself.

  It was still a few minutes before midnight. Without a radio or a television in here, I had my phone alarm set to ring in the New Year on time. Now, Monster and I sat on the couch in the living room, waiting.

  “No. No alcohol,” Monster replied firmly.

  Tonight, he’d helped me with dinner. And after we ate, we made popcorn and played the board game I’d brought from my apartment in town.

  “More for me.” I grinned, stuffing the bottle back into the bucket of packed snow we’d used instead of ice. “I have to warn you, though, alcohol has some weird effects on me too. Champagne especially.”

  “Really?”

  “This is my second glass,” I waved the flute in front of me. “If, after another couple I start singing Bonny Tyler’s Holding Out For A Hero off key, please, please, take the bottle away from me.”

  “No way.” He shook his head, leaning back in the couch. Amusement spread wide on his face. “That I’ve gotta see.”

  “No, you don’t.” I almost choked on the huge swig I took from my flute. “Trust me.” I laughed with him. “I’d do the whole shoulder-shaking, hair-tossing, arm-sweeping thing. No!” I let a shudder ripple though my body, even as we both were choking on laughter now. “It’s terrifying—”

  The sound of the alarm broke the moment.

  “It’s here!” In my haste to give Monster a New Year hug, I tripped over my feet and crash-landed in his lap instead, straddling his thighs awkwardly. “Happy New Year,” I whispered, immediately subdued by his sudden closeness.

  “Happy New Year, princess.” He put his hands on my waist. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, ignoring the alarm ringing nearby. His gaze caressed my face before landing on my lips. “I’d give everything in the world, just to be able to kiss you right now,” he whispered.

  Something fluttered inside me, like a kaleidoscope of some fuzzy-winged butterflies, and I realized I would’ve died to have that kiss from him. Gently, I stroked the short velvet of his fur on the side of his face. Letting the tips of my fingers trace the line of his muzzle.

  The mouth of a beast, impossible to kiss in a human way.

  “Kissing is not everything,” I offered soothingly. “Besides, I could still kiss you, like this . . .” I placed a small kiss on the corner of his mouth. “And like this . . .” I trailed a few more light kisses towards his nose.

  He moved his hands from my waist to my hips and slid me closer in his lap.

  “Sophie.” He shifted under me. His mouth parted, exposing the long, sharp canines.

  “Monster,” I exhaled, brushing my lips against the side of his face, his short fur soft against my skin.

  My arms went around his neck, sinking into the thick mass of his mane. And I felt the rough pads of his large hands slide under my shirt and up my sides. I whimpered when he cupped my breasts, his thumbs brushing my nipples through the bra.

  The warmth from his hands seemed to be seeping into me, flooding me with heat, head to toe. I pressed myself closer into him, unable to stand any distance between us.

  Growling, he lowered his face to my neck, and I felt a slight nibble of his teeth right before his warm tongue soothed the sting, sending a flock of sweet, tiny shivers along my skin. A soft moan came from the back of my throat.

  His breathing turned ragged.

  “What are you doing to me, Sophie?” He rasped with a pained groan, rising from his seat with me in his arms, then lowered me on my back. “It’s maddening.”

  He dragged his tongue down my neck in small flickering caresses then tugged at the bra under my shirt, ripping it apart and catching my naked breasts in his palms.

  Desperately, I tried to ignore the weight of his body pinning me to the couch, forcing myself to focus on the invigorating passion of his body moving against mine.

  The moment my chest tightened and my throat felt like it was closing in, I yanked my mind back to the amazing sensation of his warm, rough palms on my skin.

  I wanted him so badly. I wanted this between us. Monster was like no other man I’d ever known, and the things I felt for him made me hope that with him everything could be possible. That maybe, just maybe, I could go all the way this time.

  Even when my breathing turned shallow and my mind dove full speed into panic, I still struggled to fight through the black smog shrouding my vision. Clinging to his shoulders, I still tried to search for my way back to the moment, to him.

  “Sophie?” Monster’s concerned voice found me in the fog. He cursed under his breath. “I’m so sorry, princess.” Strong hands lifted me up. “Just breathe. Please.” He petted my back in long, soothing strokes, holding me in his lap. “It’s all gone now. Nothing will happen, I promise.”

  “I . . . I wanted it to happen,” I panted, drawing the air through my protesting windpipe. “Dammit,” I groaned and bent over in his lap, hiding my face in my hands. “Just once, I simply want to make love, without ruining it for everyone.”

  “You ruined nothing.” His voice was firm. He combed his fingers through my hair, matching the rhythm of my calming breathing. “I did.” A grave note rang through his tone. “And I keep doing it. I do everything wrong, even when all I want is to make you happy.”

  “That’s the thing!” I sat up, facing him. “You do. You do make me happy.” I shook my head in frustration. “I’ll just have to work on it one day at the time, I guess. Some days will be better and some worse, but I can make it. That’s what my counselor said. And I believe her.”

  “Who?” He dried the wetness from my cheeks, making me aware of my tears.

  “I got a counselor referral through the crisis phone line.” My voice strengthened, and my breathing finally settled back to normal. “I told her everything. It was hard.” I winced. “Very hard, but it feels much lighter here now.” I rubbed the middle of my chest.

  “You did it?”

  “Mmmhmm.” I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I told her about him. And you know what I’ve realized? He doesn’t matter. It’s not about that one night, not about the past. It’s about the future, about gaining control over my life again. That’s what I’m going to focus on in my weekly phone sessions with the counselor now. I just want to live a full life, and I need to figure out a way to do it. For myself, you know. Because when I’m happy—truly, fully happy, it’s so much easier to make people around me happier too.”

  He nuzzled my hair.

  “And you are helping, by the way, very much,” I mumbled, melting into his warmth surrounding me. “Before I told you, I could’ve never even imagined talking to anyone about it at all. Thank you for that. For being there for me.”

  Chapter 30

  THE RAY OF SUNLIGHT on my face woke me up late next morning. Then came
the awareness of the warm, large body under me. The spooning position we fell asleep in last night again had re-arranged, and Monster’s chest lay under my cheek.

  He was on his back, his arms spread wide, and I ended up halfway on top of him.

  For a moment, I remained still, listening to the even sound of his heartbeat. A light, happy feeling curled inside me like a warm, fluffy kitten. It felt simple, and real, and so very right to wake up next to him like this.

  I spread my fingers on his chest, sinking them into the thick, brown fur, and watched them disappear completely in the soft lighter undercoat underneath. Suddenly, I became aware of the same softness under my thigh on top of his hip.

  The realization of what that meant hit me—Monster wasn’t wearing any pants.

  I distinctly remembered his jeans being on when the two of us finally went to bed last night. Did he take them off sometime later? I imagined sleeping in jeans couldn’t be very comfortable.

  Him being naked was hardly unusual. After all, it hadn’t even been that long since he started wearing pants around me in the first place. Still, having him completely naked under the covers with me sent my thoughts in another direction.

  I recalled our encounter last night in vivid detail, before my meltdown ruined everything. The hot intensity in his eyes, his hands on my breasts, the tingling heat of his tongue on my neck . . .

  The memories of those sensations made me lightheaded all over again. I slid my gaze down his stomach to the edge of the sheet covering his lower body. It tented high with his morning erection. The sight of it sent another rush of tingles through my skin.

  I remained still for a moment, halting even my breath.

  There was one thing I knew for sure I could do without worrying about a sudden panic attack.

  Afraid to sleep alone, I’d always been glad to have a boyfriend to share a bed with. Unfortunately, for men, sleeping together had a different meaning, and I used oral sex as a tool of distraction with the few men I’d dated.

  I’d discovered that some men considered a blowjob a good enough substitute for intercourse, and I would resort to it every time the things would get too heated in the bedroom for me.