JK Rowling Is A Wizard

by Alex C. McDonald

  You see it was always the tradition for a Master Wizard or Witch to only have one apprentice. Mine was Darius, after Joanne. However, Beryl here was so knowledgeable in the Harry Potter mythology that she has been the easiest apprentice, barring Joanne, that I have ever had the pleasure of training.”

  “You’ve only had 3 apprentices, that would make me the hardest one,” said Darius.

  “Er, yes, but I want to have more apprentices and spread the knowledge more, perhaps even grow it into JK Rowling’s dream. Beryl here has nominated you two and I have had such success with Beryl due to her knowledge of the Harry Potter series that I believe you two may also show promise.”

  “I’m in,” said Jasper. I paused.

  “Sean?” said Beryl.

  “Just one last question Algernon. If JK Rowling has forgotten she was a witch, then why did we see her perform a spell?” I said.

  “Good question. Every now and then Joanne remembers some form of knowledge of her witch days and is able to perform magic again for only but a few moments, until she completely forgets again,” said Algernon. “I try to help her when I can, and hide her from the public. Otherwise, she’ll be hounded by the press and her fans and be shrouded in conspiracy theories.”

  “A conspiracy theory that is true though,” said Jasper, smugly.

  “A conspiracy theory that she won’t be able to answer to, because she would have simply forgotten,” said Algernon.

  “So how about it Sean?” said Beryl. “Do you want to learn the knowledge that will transform you into a wizard?”

  “Well,” I said breathing out a sigh. “I’m unemployed right now and have no solid prospects in the near future, so I guess I have no other way of spending my time except hanging around my parents’ house watching them bake.”

  “Good then,” said Beryl. “We’ll start in the morning, but for now, let’s celebrate with a round of drinks.”

  “Yes,” said Algernon. “But before we celebrate our new apprentices, I’ll need assurances that video of yours has been deleted.”

  “I’ll make sure of it, Master,” said Jasper, he then turned to me and smiled. “We’re going to be wizards!”

  “I know, so cool!” I said.

  “Should I grow a beard?” said Jasper.

  “Maybe,” I said. “But might be best to hold out until you’re older.”

  “Good point, Sean,” said Jasper. “What about a hat?”

  “They’ll go on like this for hours,” said Beryl, as Jasper and I continued on chatting.

  “I can see,” said Algernon. “Why don’t you go and get us the round of drinks, Beryl. And would you mind ordering me some fish ‘n’ chips?”

  “No problem,” said Beryl, who then pulled out her Harry Potter book. “Alohomora.”

  The curtains that were holding us hostage inside the nook of the pub fell slack and Beryl easily walked through them.

  “Soon, we’re going to be doing that,” I said.

  Chapter 9

  Welcome Initiates

  It was the afternoon and I was still feeling hungover. Man, can Algernon drink. He wouldn’t let us leave and insisted we keep up with him.

  I felt quite ill as I rested my head up against the window of Jasper’s car rental. We were driving down a country lane towards our meeting point with the wizards.

  “Feeling a bit hungover there are you Sean?” said Jasper, annoyingly perky.

  “Yeah I am, actually,” I said. “Aren’t you? You drank just as much as I did.”

  “No, I didn’t. I just pretended I was. I kept pouring my drink out into one of the pot plants in the pub and filling it up with water,” said Jasper. “I wanted to be fresh and ready for my first wizarding lesson.”

  “Why didn’t you stop me?” I said.

  “You were having so much fun. It was like old times again, you were ranting and ranting about Harry Potter. I was loving it,” said Jasper.

  “Oh God,” I said, cringing. “We’ve talked a lot about Harry Potter the past few days, what was new?”

  “Oh, well there was the fact that you decided that you were going to carry on in Rowling’s footsteps and actually open Hogwarts. You did declare you were going to be an even greater wizard than Merlin himself,” said Jasper.

  “Oh God. What did Algernon say?” I said.

  “He just chuckled and humoured you,” said Jasper. “I think he enjoyed your enthusiasm.”

  “I hope he was laughing with me and not at me,” I said.

  “Not a big deal, he was pretty drunk too,” said Jasper. “Ah, this is the point.”

  “Here?” I said.

  “Yep, my GPS is saying that the coordinates Beryl gave us is very close,” said Jasper referring to his phone. He pulled over on the edge of a field where tall trees began to grow into a forest.

  “Are you sure this is the right place?” I said.

  “A little further in I think, but we’ll have to walk it,” said Jasper. We both got out of the car and Jasper opened the boot to the car. He pulled out a Hogwarts school robe and threw it over himself.

  “Is that mine?” I said.

  “Yes, I rummaged around in your room before we left and found it. I would have brought my own, but it’s all back in London,” said Jasper.

  “This isn’t make-believe anymore, Jasper. This is actually real. We’re going to learn how to be an actual wizard,” I said.

  “I know, Sean. But I feel much more suited to it wearing this,” said Jasper. “Besides, it hasn’t been used in years.”

  “All right then. Which way?” I said. Jasper checked his phone and pointed into the forest.

  “This way,” said Jasper as he took a quick puff of his inhaler.

  We began walking into the forest. It smelt damp in the forest and was chilly. The tall trees blocked a lot of the daylight out and it wasn’t easy to see.

  “Hello?” I said. No answer.

  “Do you think they’re hiding?” said Jasper.

  “Hello boys,” said Beryl appearing out of thin air and scaring us.

  “Merlin’s beard, Beryl!” I said. “You frightened the life out of me.”

  “Just showing off a little bit of my magical skills,” she said.

  “Where’s Master Algernon?” I said, looking around half-expecting him to appear out of nowhere too and frighten me.

  “He is a bit under the weather,” said Beryl. “I think a few too many glasses of port.”

  “Oh, so do we still have the lesson?” said Jasper.

  “Of course. He has asked me to take you through the first lesson until he recovers,” said Beryl.

  “God, I feel like joining him,” I said.

  “Yes, you do look a little pale there Sean. You know drinking too much is bad for your health,” said Beryl.

  “Look, I’ll be fine,” I said.

  “Are you sure your up to the standard of teaching new wizards?” said Jasper.

  “Absolutely,” said Beryl, pulling out her Harry Potter magical object from her coat. “I’ll be able to teach you how to summon objects. Accio Keys.”

  As Beryl whispered into her book, Jasper’s car keys flew out of his pocket towards Beryl and she caught them in the air. She then threw them back to Jasper, who was always bad at sport, and hence dropped them on the floor.

  “Nice catch,” teased Beryl, a butterfly then fluttered past Beryl’s face. “I can also teach you how to change things into solid stone. Duro.”

  As Beryl said the words into her book a zap came out of her book and hit the butterfly. The butterfly then plummeted to the floor. She picked it up and threw it at Jasper.

  “Catch,” said Beryl. Jasper of course did not catch and it hit him in the forehead. He looked a little dazed and then bent down and picked up the butterfly.

  “She’s turned this butterfly into stone,” said Jasper.

  “Poor thing. She could have at least done it to something nasty, like an angry wasp,” I said inspecting the stone butterfly.

 
“Or, I can show you how to light up the darkness,” said Beryl. “Lumos.”

  The trees above us began to move and arch away in a circular motion allowing sunlight to pour in, lighting up the dark forest floor.

  “Spectacular,” I said. “This was the most impressive one of those three, Beryl. Though I do disapprove a little of choosing a butterfly to turn into stone.”

  “Lighten up, Sean,” said Beryl rolling her eyes. “There is always more butterflies. Papilio abundantia!”

  Butterflies of all different colours poured out of Beryl’s book in their hundreds, covering the forest in a magical fluttering rainbow. They flew around majestically in the sunlight. The trees then began to slowly close in, back to the original stance and the butterflies flew off into the forest.

  “Whoa,” said Jasper.

  “This demonstration is just the beginning of the rabbit hole you are about to embark on,” said Beryl. “Now, did you bring some items that you think might be your magical object?”

  “Yes,” said Jasper and I.

  “Good, let me see them.”

  I pulled out my first ‘fake’ Harry Potter wand, my university degree and a gold ring my dad had given to me that was his fathers.

  “I kinda hope it’s the ring,” I said.

  “Oh yeah?” said Jasper. “Lord of the Rings? Come on, you’re a Potter man.”

  “Jasper,” said Beryl. “This is serious. It’s not make believe anymore. This is real magic, it doesn’t matter what his magical object is. I mean, what the hell are you doing wearing a Hogwarts robe?”

  “Told you,” I said sniggering.

  “It’s Sean’s actually,” said Jasper.

  “But you’re wearing it,” said Beryl.

  “Yes, well. Next time I won’t,” said Jasper.

  “Are you serious about this Jasper. This is a real craft. I am going to reveal to you some incredible secrets that only a few on this planet know. If you want to go back to your Harry Potter stall go right ahead,” said Beryl.

  “It’s not a stall, its actually quite a thriving business,” said Jasper.

  “Jasper! This is the first question we always ask in the initiation. Are you serious about this?” said Beryl. Jasper paused for a while, looking at me and then back at Beryl.

  “Well, yes, of course,” said Jasper.

  “Okay good,” said Beryl. “So what do you think your magical object is then?”

  “Well,” said Jasper, taking a handful of items out of his pocket. “Obviously, I am not near my home in London, but I do always carry around some special items for me. Firstly, empty condom packet. First one I ever used. So, yeah, Beryl, in case you’re wondering I am not a virgin and have had many sexual encounters and have been told I am quite good.”

  “Yeah, that is gross,” said Beryl.

  “Right, next up, my asthma inhaler,” said Jasper.

  “It’s your asthma inhaler, I’m pretty certain. I don’t need to see anymore,” said Beryl rolling her eyes.

  “Really? Because I also have my first adult magazine with me,” said Jasper.

  “Yeah, that is also gross,” I said. Beryl turned around and walked away.

  “I actually don’t want it to be my asthma inhaler, because its curved like Darius’. That means that the spells I’ll cast will be inaccurate like Darius’ plumbing pipe,” said Jasper. “I do have some other items that a long and straight and might be more suited.”

  “No!” said Beryl and I.

  “We really don’t need to see those,” I said.

  “Let’s move on,” said Beryl quickly and with a swish of her wrist a fire burst out of her Harry Potter book and a high and tall ring of fire was created around her, burning with flames. It was hot and seared my face.

  “Blimey!” I said.

  “Now, Sean Morris and Jasper Piggs, it is time for your initiation into the craft. I call on you know to enter the circle of flames. If you can pass through the wall of fire unscathed, you are truly worthy of the magical path. If however, you find yourself on fire, you will no longer follow the path of magic,” said Beryl. She was taking on a rather ominous tone adding to the drama of the initiation.

  “This is awfully dramatic, Beryl. Is this necessary?” I said, out loud, over the crackling of the flames.

  “Walk away then, Sean,” said Beryl.

  “I’m going in,” said Jasper.

  “Are you mad? What if you catch on fire?” I said.

  “I’m willing to take this risk. It’s all I’ve wanted since reading those damn books, to be one of them,” said Jasper.

  “Bring with you the objects that you deem could be your personal magical object. The flames will not allow those that are not your object to pass through,” said Beryl.

  “Right, here I go,” said Jasper. I watched as Jasper carefully took one step into the fire. “It doesn’t burn!”

  “You are rightfully worthy of becoming a wizard, Jasper Piggs. Now take the final steps and your magical object that you will use to conduct magic with will follow you,” said Beryl. Jasper took the final steps through the flames into the ring of fire and just as Beryl had predicted his asthma inhaler followed him through the flames. All the other objects, Jasper had to let go of and leave outside the ring of fire.

  “I did it,” said Jasper. “Looks like it’s my inhaler.”

  “Yes, I told you,” said Beryl.

  “I really wanted it to be something else,” said Jasper, looking longingly at his sack of things he had brought with him that were now lying outside of the ring of fire.

  “Congratulations, Jasper,” said Beryl. “Sean, now it’s your turn.”

  I took a deep breath and then walked forward towards the fire. The flames were now flickering high above me and the heat was ever so slightly searing my face. Doubt washed over me like a dark shadow engulfing any bravery that was living inside of me. Was I worthy of this? Did I want it? What if I couldn’t pass through the flames, I would be shamed in front of my two oldest friends. Perhaps I should just run.

  “Oh, for goodness sake, Sean, hurry up!” said Jasper.

  “Right, yes,” I said. The taunt from Jasper gave me a bit of a nudge forward and I took the final step towards the flames and just as I was about to walk through them, the flames suddenly parted. Leaving me a clear path into the ring.

  “What?” said Jasper.

  “Sean, did you do that?” said Beryl.

  “No, no I didn’t,” I said. “Has this happened before?”

  “Rarely,” said Beryl. “Not in recent history. Step through.”

  I nodded and walked through the clearing. I tried to yank through my three possible magical objects, but some invisible wall wouldn’t let them pass into the circle. I had to let them go. As soon as I was within the circle the flames closed off again, capturing me inside. Beryl marched right up to me and grabbed my face, looking deep into my eyes.

  “Is there something you haven’t told us, Sean?” said Beryl.

  “What?” I said through a squished face.

  “Did you do that? Did you make the flames part?” said Beryl.

  “No, I didn’t, they just did it,” said Sean.

  “Who are you?” said Beryl.

  “Sean Morris,” I said, confused.

  “Hmm,” said Beryl, she let go of my face and turned around. “That is all for today.”

  The ring of fire evaporated and the trees stood silent in the dark forest again. Jasper and I looked at each other.

  “That’s it?” said Jasper.

  “The initiation is over,” said Beryl.

  “But I have my magical object ready. Can’t you teach us a few tricks?” said Jasper.

  “A few tricks? A few tricks?” said Beryl furious. “No, I can’t and won’t teach you a few tricks, until I figure out what just happened.”

  “What’s wrong, Beryl? Why are you so angry?” I said.

  “Because Sean, when the flames of initiation part for an initiate it is the sign of the flames
bowing to a great wizard,” said Beryl.

  “Who me?” I said.

  “Yeah, what?” said Jasper. “He doesn’t even have a magical object.”

  “He’s right, Beryl. I couldn’t bring any of my potential objects into the circle.”

  “That doesn’t matter. You’ll figure it out soon,” said Beryl. “I just need to talk to Master Algernon first.”

  Beryl’s phone began to ring. She picked it up and answered.

  “Hello?” said Beryl. “What do you mean dying? ………Oh my God…..Right I’ll be right there.”

  “Is everything okay?” I said.

  “It’s Algernon, he’s in hospital and I don’t think he has long left,” said Beryl.

  “What happened?” I said.

  “I don’t know everything yet, I just need to get to the hospital,” said Beryl.

  “Hey, no problem,” said Jasper. “We’ll take you. How do we get to St Mungo’s?”

  “Jasper, there is no such thing as St. Mungo’s or any magical hospitals. He’s at the local Hospital in critical condition,” said Beryl.

  “Right, Beryl, don’t worry let’s go,” I said.

  Chapter 10

  A Sudden Death

  The doctor was waiting for us as we arrived at the door to Algernon’s hospital room. He had a grave look on his face.

  “Are you the gentlemen’s family?” asked the doctor.

  “No,” said Beryl. “I am not aware Algernon has any family, but I, I mean, we are his friends. Particularly me. I am a very close friend.”

  “I’ll be honest with you, he hasn’t got long,” said the doctor.

  “What happened?” said Beryl.

  “He is a very, very old man and his body is basically turning off,” said the doctor.

  “How old exactly is he?” said Beryl.

  “Well we can’t actually find any records for him,” said the doctor.

  “No records?” I said.

  “Well, that’s not entirely true,” said the doctor, chuckling to himself. “We do have some sort of record but it says that your friend Algernon was born on the 6th of June, 1330AD?”