JK Rowling Is A Wizard

by Alex C. McDonald

“What?” we all said together.

  “That would make him how old?” I said. My friends and I began trying to calculate in our heads.

  “687,” said the doctor. “That would make him 687 years old. Sounds like some sort of hoax.”

  “687? That’s the number of the Potter’s vault at Gringotts,” said Jasper.

  “True, but do you remember on the Nintendo Gameboy, the Potter’s vault was number 704,” I said.

  “Oh yeah,” said Jasper. “I do remember that. I had totally forgotten. What Harry Potter game was that again?”

  “I think it was Chamber of Secrets,” I said.

  “You know, I don’t have a copy of that game. I need to get one as it could be deemed a bit of a collector’s item due to the slight anomaly from the storyline cannon,” said Jasper, pulling out his smartphone and beginning to type himself a note.

  “Okay, guys, enough of the Potter talk. My friend is in there dying and regardless of his coincidental age, I want to see him,” said Beryl.

  “Right, of course Beryl, sorry,” I said.

  “Look, I can’t really put him down as any age. The supposed document for him is a bit ridiculous,” said the doctor.

  “This is quite remarkable, though,” I said, piping up behind. I actually knew that the oldest person ever to have lived was a woman from France who lived to 122 years. “Are you sure doctor?”

  “1330, I mean that is dating right back to medieval times,” said the doctor.

  “That is downright unbelievable! Where is the news crew? Why is this not on record?” I said. Beryl turned around and shot me a look that said ‘shut up’. Jasper leant in to me.

  “Because he’s kept his wizarding craft secret,” said Jasper. “It could make everyone suddenly aware.”

  “I mean, cancel that thought,” I said quickly.

  “Yes, well, I did manage to get a few words out of him and he did ask for privacy. No Guinness World Record Judge will be showing up,” said the doctor. “Look, I think you ought to go in and give your final goodbyes.”

  We all nodded and fumbled our way forward into the room. Darius was sat next to the bed and immediately leapt up and hugged Beryl. Poor, old Algernon was lying on his death bed, hooked up to all sorts of wires and monitors.

  “He hasn’t said much,” said Darius. “He’s been saving his last strength for you to arrive before he speaks.”

  Beryl nodded and knelt down next to Algernon, tenderly holding his hand.

  “Master Algernon, its Beryl.”

  “Beryl?” said Algernon. He was frail and voice croaked. “Are the apprentices here?”

  “We are Master Algernon,” said Jasper stepping forward.

  “Good,” said Algernon. “I have foreseen a transition in time. My death symbolizes the end of the old ways and will open up a brand new energy for all. We will see Joanne’s vision come true. Now will be the time of the wizards.”

  “What do you mean, Master?” said Beryl.

  “You, Beryl,” said Algernon. “You and Darius must train these two.”

  “Me? But I am barely a wizard myself, still really an apprentice. I haven’t passed the trials yet,” said Beryl.

  “Darius will oversee the final initiation and you will pass with flying colours,” said Algernon.

  “I will, Master,” said Darius.

  “And then, Darius and you will begin to train a new generation of wizards, starting with Sean and Jasper,” said Algernon.

  “Are you sure?” said Beryl.

  “I am sure. I have left all of the sacred and ancient texts to you and Darius. Use them and teach from them,” said Algernon.

  “I will Master,” said Beryl and Darius.

  “There is one other thing,” said Beryl. “In the initiation ceremony, the flames of the ring of fire parted ways for Sean to enter.”

  “Did they?” said Darius, looking straight at me as if I had just been found out as the prime suspect in a murder case.

  “How curious, how curious indeed,” said Algernon.

  “I passed through the flames too,” said Jasper looking around the room as if waiting for some kind of ‘good boy’.

  “What? What is curious?” said Beryl, but Algernon could no longer talk and could only manage a small smile. There was a last twinkle in his old, pale blue eyes. It lasted but a split second before he closed them and then his heart stopped.

  “Master? Master?” said Darius. Nurses and doctors came running into the room and Jasper and I were ushered out of the room. Beryl and Darius pushed their way back in.

  “I can’t believe it,” I said. “Gone.”

  “Steady on there, Sean, not yet,” said Jasper. We looked through the window of the room as the doctor pronounced Algernon dead. Beryl and Darius embraced in a hug and were visibly upset.

  “That’s it, Jasper,” I said. “We meet a great wizard and he’s dead within 24 hours.”

  “Probably because it’s the rise of a dark wizard,” said Jasper, throwing me a side-glance.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I said.

  “Oh nothing.”

  “No, it did mean something. Are you jealous that the flames parted for me and not for you?” I said.

  “What? No,” said Jasper, clearly lying. He absolutely was jealous. “You don’t even have a magical object yet.”

  “Well, Beryl said that didn’t matter and that I’d find it,” I said.

  “Oh please, you’ll never be a great wizard,” said Jasper.

  “What? How dare you? What makes you say something so cruel?” I said.

  “You’ll back out, won’t finish the job, Sean. Get fired, lose the girl. That’s your story, Sean. A complete fuck-up,” said Jasper. I was shocked looking at Jasper, furious, indignant, appalled, frustrated, incredulous. “You were never Harry, you’re more of a Draco Malfoy, in fact barely that more of Crab or Goyle.”

  “Merlin’s Beard, Jasper. Where is this coming from?” I said.

  “You know where this is coming from. Years of being left. You left me Sean,” said Jasper.

  “I was robbed. I explained, I have also apologized,” I said.

  “Well, apology not accepted,” said Jasper.

  “I thought we were getting on. Like old times?” I said.

  “Yeah, maybe we were. But this whole sign of a Great Wizard has really rubbed me up the wrong way. You’re no Great Wizard, Sean. You’re a let-down, a loser. I’m the great one of us. I made this whole Harry Potter thing a reality for me and you could have been there with me, but instead the first sign of trouble and you bailed. And here I was stupid enough to introduce you to this incredible investigation I was conducting and of course Sean Morris is the bloody chosen one,” said Jasper.

  “Hey, hang on there, Jasp. No one said anything about being a chosen one,” I said.

  “Clearly that’s what Algernon is suggesting, but I tell you this Sean. I may be a bit socially awkward and say inappropriate things here and there-”

  “Well I think that’s the understatement of the century,” I said. Jasper snarled at me.

  “-but, I am good at heart and I’ll be watching you. You have all the earmarks of someone who can become a dark lord,” said Jasper.

  At that moment Beryl and Darius came out of the room, with tear stained faces. They looked up at us as they wiped their tears away. I had to quickly forget about Jasper’s sudden outburst at me and turn to the people at hand who were clearly upset.

  “Beryl, Darius, I am so sorry,” I said and leant in and hugged Beryl, and then Darius.

  “Thanks Sean, its emotional and it will take time, but like the doctor said he was very old,” said Beryl.

  “Yeah, I’m sorry for your loss too,” said Jasper, still seething as he leant up against the wall. I could see Beryl was a bit indignant by Jasper’s attitude, but brushed it off.

  “Look, Darius and I have had a quick chat and we agree that we will take one of you each to train. Sean I am going to do my final initiation training
with Darius this week and then you will become my apprentice. Jasper, Darius will take you as his apprentice,” said Beryl.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Jasper. Oh no, here it goes. “I’m Ron, Beryl. You’re Hermione. We’re supposed to be together.”

  “Um, what are you talking about Jasper? They were just books, this is a matter of logistics. Your magical object is curved like Darius’ and we believe he is the best master for you because of that,” said Beryl. Jasper smirked and began strutting up to Beryl.

  “Come on baby, you know it. I know you feel it between us. Those late nights we used to spend up late together in high school reading Harry Potter together, its meant to be,” said Jasper. He then wrapped his arms around Beryl and moved in to kiss her.

  Turns out, Beryl’s magical powers are not her only gift, she’s also quite good at hand-to-hand combat. Like lightning she quickly smacked the inside of Jasper’s arms send them out flailing, she then drew back a fist and thumped him square in the face. Jasper dropped to the floor like a ton of bricks.

  “Whoa,” I said. “You really are Hermione.”

  Jasper looked dazed and confused.

  “That’s two times you’ve been inappropriate, Jasper. The first I let go last night, this is the second and you’ve ended up on your ass. Do not let there be a third,” said Beryl. She then turned and walked down the hallway. “Come on Sean.”

  “Right, yes, coming,” I said.

  Chapter 11

  True Romance

  We were sat on a bus going back into Hampsteadshire. There was no way Beryl was going to get back into the car with Jasper. I didn’t know what to say to her. She was visibly upset. I mean, how rude was Jasper? Beryl’s mentor, who she clearly admired, had just died and he tries to pull the moves on her. He must be barking mad. Perhaps not going in with Jasper to this Harry Potter biz was the best move I made. I must admit seeing Beryl thump him gave me a huge dose of schadenfreude.

  Still though, I was worried about Beryl. I did actually quite fancy her too and wanted to say something. Probably best to go with the easy one first.

  “Are you all right?” I said. She turned to me and half-smiled.

  “Yeah,” said Beryl. “God, Jasper’s a dick.”

  “Yes, he is,” I said laughing.

  “Was he always like that?”

  “I think he was,” I said.

  “I mean my mentor had just died and he’s trying to shag me,” said Beryl.

  “I know, highly inappropriate,” I said.

  “And then he has the gall to start quoting a Harry Potter romance. As if that’s going to work on me,” said Beryl.

  “I know, I know. Look, I’ve got to be honest Beryl, he was seriously lashing out at me before you and Darius came out.”

  “Was he?”

  “Yeah, he was telling me how I was going to become a dark wizard, and how I didn’t deserve for the flames to part, and how hurt he felt about me leaving him alone and how he deserves it and I don’t.”

  “OMG, he is so Ron,” said Beryl.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Remember in the books, Ron was always moping around complaining about how Harry gets all the attention and acting like an idiot. That’s Jasper. I mean Ron almost messed up the whole horcrux hunt and this is on par. I mean we are at the beginning of exposing the magical world to the public. You two are the first trainees and he’s worried about who is the better wizard? He’s going to be bloody famous and amazing,” said Beryl.

  “It’s true,” I said smiling. “God, Jasper’s a nob.”

  “Oh, and the whole, Ron ended up with Hermione rubbish. I love those books, cherish them in fact, but that is the worst mistake JK Rowling made. Hermione would never have chosen Ron,” said Beryl.

  “Yeah, fans love that debate,” I said.

  “I mean really, Hermione would have ended up with Harry,” said Beryl, who turned and stared into my eyes.

  Oh God, I’m freaking out. She is clearly giving me a sign here. I mean I was always Harry growing up. What do I do? Do I kiss her? Is she saying that she fancies me? Then it hit me. What am I waiting for?

  As I reached out to embrace her, Beryl’s arms came up too. We were in a symbiotic moment and we moved closer and closer, and then began deeply pashing. I mean, seriously going for it. The bus wasn’t exactly busy, but there were a few patrons on the bus who were visibly uncomfortable with our kissing.

  “Oi!” shouted the bus driver. “Will you two love birds stop that.”

  We immediately stopped and realized where we were and began straightening our clothes out and smiling back at the other patrons.

  “Sorry about that,” I said. “A few years of tension just being let out.”

  “It’s all right dear,” said a sweet little old lady. “Happened to me and my cousin once.”

  “Oh,” I said.

  “Yeah, we had had this tension between us for years and one day we just embraced and kissed,” said the old lady.

  “Oh, right, we’re not cousins,” I said.

  “No,” said Beryl. “Old friends.”

  “Yes, happened out the backyard of my Auntie’s house. She had just installed tinted windows all around her house. There we were kissing away and had no idea that our family was watching the whole thing, because we couldn’t bloody see them,” said the old lady.

  “Wow, that is some story,” I said.

  We couldn’t wait to get off that bus.

  As soon as we could, we raced back to Beryl’s flat. We kissed and giggled and fell on her bed. She reached for me and it took me to a magical energy, one that felt like it had always been there between us, but had been blocked by a wall that we were now smashing down. Time seemed to stop and last forever all in the same moment. It felt like this magical moment was never going to end and I didn’t want it to.

  Eventually it did and we both fell to the bed, wriggling and grinning, exhausted by our love.

  We fell asleep in each other’s arms, with a tremendous feeling of belonging and euphoria. I never felt more at home than in that moment.

  I think I might be in love.

  Chapter 12

  Who’s My Mum?

  Slowly, I felt myself beginning to wake up. I had slept a tremendous sleep. You know the kind of one when you dream wonderful things all night and you feel all cuddled up underneath the duvet. Well it was one of those really, good sleeps. Beryl had the huggliest duvet in the world and I almost didn’t want to wake up.

  “Tea?” said Beryl. I opened my eyes and Beryl was sat at the end of her bed, fully dressed in tight black jeans and her long black coat, holding a mug of tea.

  “Yes, thank you,” I said my voice a little croaky. I took the tea from her and took a sip. The warm good glow of a good English tea in the morning warmed me up nicely. “You’re dressed early.”

  “I’ve got to go,” said Beryl sharply. Oh dear, I had the feeling of dread that she wasn’t quite feeling the love for me that I was feeling for her. Perhaps I was more of a quick shag than a final breaking of a wall between us and finding love.

  “Okay then, I’ll get dressed,” I said.

  “Don’t bother. You’ve slept in too long and I’ve got to go and meet Darius. He has been calling and texting me all morning. He wants to get these trials over and done with,” said Beryl. She got up and walked out. “Let yourself out. I’ve left you a spare key if you could lock up and then when we see each other next you can give me the key back.”

  “Right,” I said. Beryl trotted off out and away.

  “Maybe try to find your magical object,” called Beryl before slamming her front door.

  “I guess I best get ready and leave,” I said, feeling like an idiot sitting in her bed with a cup of tea in my hand.

  Before long I was leaving Beryl’s apartment and walking through the streets of Hampsteadshire, not really knowing where to go so I began to head back towards my parent’s home. I hadn’t looked at my phone all morning and was shocked
to see that the time was 12.00pm!

  “Merlin’s Beard,” I said. I looked up and saw one of Hampsteadshire’s pubs in front of me ‘The 99 Lions’. “Ah, one pint will do no harm.”

  So in I popped for a quick pint, but just one. After that I was off again home before making a quick detour to the ‘Duck and Ale’ for another quick pint, a bit of pub grub and another half-a-pint, before heading straight to ‘The Mouse and Custard Pot’ for one more pint and then visiting ‘The Hare and Hounds’ and the ‘Red Lion’ for two more pints, in each pub.

  Feeling really sloshed now, I meandered my way home in a bit of zig-zag fashion. Somehow opened the door, then fell straight on my parents couch, and passed out.

  And that’s how the next week went. I didn’t hear from Beryl and fell into a pit of my own drunken depression. I kept going round to her flat to see if she was in, but she never was. So I kept drinking.

  ***

  “Sean,” said a really annoying, nagging voice. “Sean Morris, get up this instant.”

  “What?” I said groggily. I had passed out on my parent’s couch again.

  “He’s drunk, stinks of it,” said my mum. Oh dear, here we go.

  “Now Mum, just relax, put some tea on and we’ll see if we can get him up,” said Dad. I opened my eyes to see them looking over me.

  “All right, I’ll put the kettle on and get him some cake and then we’re all sitting down together with the sharing umbrella,” said my mum who went off to the kitchen muttering something about me being an orphan. My dad knelt down next to me.

  “Are you all right, son?” he said.

  “Just had a few pints,” I said.

  “We haven’t seen you much this week and Jasper showed up to pick up his stuff last night. We’ve been worried about you,” said Dad. I sat up on the couch and sighed.

  “Will you stop encouraging this friendship with Jasper,” shouted Mum from the kitchen.

  “I’m not Mum, I was just saying how Jasper had picked up his stuff and left,” said Dad.

  “It’s the ridiculous obsession with Harry Potter again,” shouted Mum, as she pottered around the kitchen in a huff.