JK Rowling Is A Wizard

by Alex C. McDonald

  “Is this her?” said the woman.

  “Maybe,” I said. “To be honest with you I’ve never met her, but I was told that my biological mother was here.”

  “Oh,” said the woman. “This sounds like it’s quite a story. You know she’s in palliative care, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” I said

  “And from the looks of the notes on her file it sounds like she hasn’t got long,” said the woman.

  “Right,” I replied.

  “Look, if you want to go and make peace with this woman I’d do it soon. But I can see you’re looking a little nervous about this and she won’t be in good shape, so there’s no shame in turning around now, young man.”

  Beryl came up next to me and held my hand.

  “No, I want to go and see her,” I said.

  “Okay then, to your right, down the hall. You’ll see her name on the front of her room door,” said the woman.

  “Thank you,” I said. I took Beryl’s hand and began walking down the hallway. The smell of bleach permeated the air and despite the hallway only being short, it felt like time slowed as I approached a room at the end of the hall with a light on. Within the room I could see that someone was lying down on the bed and was hooked up to a few monitoring machines. I could see the backs of two middle-aged people sitting beside the bed, a man and a woman. As Beryl and I got closer, the two visitors of the person in the bed turned around to look at me and I gasped. I could not catch my breath, it was like the whole world sucked the oxygen right out of the air.

  “Sean?” said my mum and dad. I mean my real mum and dad, as in my adopted parents. They both quickly got up and rushed out of the room closing the door behind them. They didn’t seem themselves at all, and seemed jittery and unnatural in their movements.

  “Sean? Beryl? What are you doing here?” said Mum.

  “What do you mean, what am I doing here. What are you doing here?” I said.

  “Yeah, Mrs. Morris. What the hell is going on?” said Beryl.

  “Look, Sean, there’s nothing really to worry about. I mean you don’t want to go in there,” said Mum.

  “Mum, you said you didn’t know who my biological mother was and now I find you here at her deathbed. This is outrageous!” I said.

  “Yes, well, maybe a little bit of a white lie going on there,” said Mum.

  “A white lie? More like a bloody conspiracy,” I said.

  “Sean, I can understand you’re in a panic state right now and a lot of confusion, but this was all part of the agreement,” said Dad.

  “Agreement? What agreement?” I said.

  “Your mother-” Dad began.

  “I’m his mother,” said Mum.

  “Yes, sorry dear, I mean, your biological mother didn’t want you to know and we agreed to raise you as our own,” said Dad.

  “What do you mean didn’t want me to know? Know what?”

  “Well you know,” said Dad as if he didn’t think he needed to speak the words, as if there was an unspoken answer between us. But I had no idea what he was talking about.

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Sean,” said Beryl. “He’s talking about your umbrella.”

  I realized my dad was pointing at the tattered old umbrella that was sticking out of my coat pocket.

  “I think he means your biological mother didn’t want you to know you were magical or from magical people,” said Beryl.

  “Are you absolutely kidding me? Is this a joke? What are you the bloody Dursley’s or something?” I said.

  “Now Sean, I know how this looks, but please you must understand. We tried to help you grow up as normal as possible,” said Dad.

  “Normal? Are you bloody joking? My life has been far from normal,” I said.

  “What do you mean?” said Mum, mortified.

  “Well let’s start with the weird family meetings with this thing,” I said holding up the umbrella.

  “Well, it was a way of you touching the umbrella. Rosy said it would protect you from the magical world,” said Mum.

  “That was until that bitch wrote those bloody Harry Potter books,” said a croaky voice. The door to the room where the patient had been lying had miraculously opened.

  “Rosy now, let’s not talk like that,” said Mum.

  “Send him in,” said Rosy from the bedroom.

  “Be careful,” said my dad as I took a step forward. “She’s got a bit of an interesting character.”

  “Hurry up then, or have I got a wimp of son,” said the cranky voice of Rosy.

  “Go on, Sean,” said Beryl encouragingly. I slowly stepped into the room, my mum, dad and Beryl tried to follow me.

  “Not you lot too, just him,” said Rosy. “Close the door and don’t let them in Sean.”

  I turned to my parents and looked at them. Tears were welling in all of their eyes, there was so much that was being left unsaid, but there would be time for that later.

  “It’s all right, I’ll be out soon,” I said and then closed the door. I turned and looked at the woman lying on the bed, frail and sick. She had lost all of her hair, apart from a few wisps. She was undoubtedly not much older than 55, but whatever treatment and sickness she had gone through had worn her body tremendously.

  “Sit down, Sean. I haven’t got long left,” said Rosy. I sat down and I watched as Rosy used all of her energy to prop herself up and take a good long look at me, up and down. “Bloody useless, you look like him.”

  “Like who?” I said as Rosy flopped back down on her back.

  “Your father.”

  “My father?”

  “Yes, Angus.”

  “My father’s name was Angus?”

  “Yes, Angus Riddle. The greatest wizard since Merlin. Until that woman killed him,” said Rosy.

  “What woman?”

  “Joanne Kathleen Rowling, that’s who?” said Rosy.

  “I beg your pardon?” I said.

  “You heard me, killed him.”

  “How?”

  “A magical duel, she put one of those unforgivable curses on him.”

  “A magical duel? But today my friend Beryl told me that unforgivable curses were not real.”

  “Of course they are, at least ever since she invented them.”

  “Why though? Why did she kill him?” I said.

  “Well, your father was a talented wizard you see, but what does a talented wizard do these days?” said Rosy. I shrugged. “Exactly, bloody nothing, that’s what. And what’s the point of that? Having all these powers and doing bloody nothing.” She then began coughing violently, I stood up to help her but she shooed me away.

  “You know it did kind of cross my mind. I met a wizard called Algernon and he said he just worked at the post office his whole life.”

  “Ha! Old bloody fool, would do anything that Potter writer told him to do, thought she was amazing. A lot of good that did us all,” said Rosy lying back down recovering from her cough. “You see, Sean, Joanne had us all under her spell, except Angus. She wanted to help everyone, and give everyone the opportunity to become a wizard or witch, but Angus saw it differently. He said that the world population wouldn’t see magic as good, but as wicked as they once had and a whole new witch hunt would begin. People would be burned at the stake and everything. No, Angus was bold and ambitious; he believed those of us who knew magic should begin using it to our own advantage. Become rich and even powerful, by means of force through magic. He would say it was our right. Rise up to be Prime Ministers and Presidents, and powerful businessmen. That was how we would help the people, he would say,” said Rosy.

  “Whoa, he kind of sounds like a dark wizard, Rosy. He sounds like he wanted to be a dictator. In fact, I think you’ve pretty much just described Hitler,” I said.

  “Ha, that’s what I used to think, Sean. I was a fool. Life hits you hard the more the years go by and regrets fill your soul. All the ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves’ drain you. Me and your father should have been rich and p
owerful and raised you. But I got scared when he started killing people,” said Rosy.

  “Whoa. He murdered people?” I said.

  “Oh yes,” said Rosy.

  “How many?” I said.

  “Maybe just one,” said Rosy.

  “Oh.”

  “No, more like a couple.”

  “Oh, wow, two murders then?” I said.

  “Well maybe more like five or six.”

  “What is it? One or six?”

  “Look Sean, the numbers don’t matter, he needed to build the capital and steal from these people to get the initial money he needed to start his venture and I had just gotten pregnant,” said Rosy, and then she scowled. “Now I just think of my young self and would love to go and just punch her in the face. I went and blabbed to Joanne, pleaded for her help. So what did she do? Went and confronted him, that’s what. An argument broke out between the two and so they started dueling, sending spell after spell at each other. Just when she thought she had him where she wanted him she sent a memory charm at him, hoping to wipe his memory clean of ever being a wizard and so he could still be a normal man and be your dad, but your dad was crafty and he deflected it right back at her. As she fell to the ground, losing her memory, she had but one hope, to put Angus in the grave and stop his rise to power,” said Rosy.

  “Merlin’s Beard, Rosy. That’s awful,” I said.

  “I was there. It was the most dreadful sight to see. The two most talented and powerful wizards in a millennia there lying on the floor. One of them with vacant eyes as she forgets anything and everything about magic and the other wriggling around in utter agony, dying a slow death,” said Rosy.

  “Bloody hell!”

  “I tried to help him, but only she knew how to do undo it and she had forgotten everything. You were then born and I gave you away. The pain was too much for me. All I could give you was your father’s wand that I hid inside that umbrella,” said Rosy. I looked at the umbrella in amazement.

  A wand, inside the umbrella. This meant that I was the purest of wizards, using an actual wand. No wonder all of the magic was coming to me so easily.

  “I have something for you,” said Rosy. She reached down below her bed and pulled out a large scrapbook. Pages were hanging out and it was clearly a few years old. “It’s your father’s notes on magic.”

  “Notes?” I said taking the notebook from her.

  “Yes, Ms. Rowling wasn’t the only one who wrote down her spells. Though your father’s is more Gaelic based rather than Latin.”

  “Really?” I said as I flicked through the pages. It was fascinating looking at these pages. A thorough recording of a wizards experiments with magic, successes and failures. The Gaelic words were interesting too and were accompanied by sketches showing swooshing motions. “This is overwhelming. I’m not sure going down this path is my way, I don’t want to be some dictator.”

  “Don’t you?”

  “No, I would rather spread the word of magic in a peaceful way,” I said.

  “I tried her way, Sean. Went broke, publishing books on the subject and trying to start up groups. The truth is most people don’t want to know magic and create an amazing life and society for themselves. They want someone else to do it for them. They want someone else to take the burden and stresses, but still reap all the benefits. My efforts failed trying to show others the light, when I should have just been looking after myself the whole time,” said Rosy and then she went into another violent coughing fit. I got up to help, but once again she shooed me away. “Go Sean, and do not make the same mistake I did.”

  “I’ll be back in the morning,” I said. Rosy nodded as a nurse entered the room, coming to her aid.

  “Oh, Rosy, you been eating those funny muffins again?” said the nurse.

  “What?” I said.

  “You know, Mary Jane,” said the nurse.

  “She’s high right now?” I said.

  “Very, I think she’s gone through about three muffins. Half should have done her,” said the nurse.

  What the hell? Did anything she just say to me mean anything, or did I just talk to a dying woman who was off with the fairies?

  “Are you okay, Sean?” said Mum (My actual mother/adopted mother).

  “No, I’m really not,” I said.

  “Harry, you’re a wizard!” said my dad, doing a really bad Hagrid impression and thinking he was being funny.

  “Dad, really?” I said.

  “Well, thought you’d always wanted to hear that,” said Dad. “I actually kept reading the books.”

  “Did you?” said Mum.

  “Yes, I did and I’ve enjoyed them,” said Dad.

  “Well, those books have caused Sean nothing but trouble,” said Mum.

  “I think there’s more trouble now than a few books could’ve caused,” I said.

  “Come on Sean, ‘Yer a wizard’,” said Dad.

  “Really not cool, Dad,” I said. I pushed past them.

  “Sean, wait,” said Beryl, who ran after me. She chased me out onto the street where I began running.

  I ran to the clock tower in the middle of the small town. It chimed as it reached midnight.

  “Sean?” said Beryl as she caught up with me. I stared at the clock tower.

  “Nothing, Beryl. This solves nothing,” I said.

  “What did she say?” said Beryl.

  “She said I should use magic to get everything I want in life,” I said.

  “A dark wizard?”

  “Yes, Beryl,” I said and we both stared at the clock. We stayed silent for ages just both staring at the clock as the minutes went by. Thoughts flushed through my head, but it turned to food. “Wow, I am really hungry.”

  “I’ve been thinking about it too,” said Beryl.

  “Oh good, yeah because it must have been a long time ago since we ate. Do you think there’s anywhere to get something to eat at this hour?” I said.

  “No, Sean, but yes, I am hungry too, but what I meant is I’ve been thinking about becoming a dark wizard too,” said Beryl.

  “Wait, what?”

  “Yeah, I have. I mean I’ve accumulated all these powers, but what good are they? I’m not going to go off and fight some dark wizards there are none,” said Beryl.

  “But, Beryl you’re studying your doctorate in Celtic mythology.”

  “Yeah, and you know how many jobs there are once I get my doctorate? Bugger all and its super-competitive and even then it will take me years. You know Master Algernon worked in the post office throughout his life and was fine, but times have changed. Rent is higher, bills are higher and just the general cost of living is higher than ever. Am I supposed to go through life and just never use these powers and end up like your mum poor and alone in a hospital in Dufftown?”

  “She’s not alone, I came to see her,” I said.

  “Yeah, but she missed out on your whole life. You know I heard the whole conversation,” said Beryl.

  “What? That’s a bit rude, Beryl,” I said.

  “Yeah, well so is being driven in your friends car all the way to Scotland and never offering to pay for petrol,” said Beryl.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Beryl, you’re right. Let me offer you some money,” I said.

  “No, don’t be stupid. Listen, Sean, it was my right to listen because I was a part of this and high or not, your real mum made a good point.”

  “You think so?”

  “Yeah, I think so, I’m in, but I need you, because you have two things I don’t have,” said Beryl.

  “What’s that?” I said.

  “Your father’s notebook and a degree in finance with experience,” said Beryl.

  “How big are we talking about getting here, Beryl,” I said. She came up right to me and wrapped her arms around me.

  “As big as we need to get, so that we never have to worry about a thing again.”

  “We’ll have to start out small and build ourselves up,” I said.

  “Stop thinking abou
t the semantics and say yes,” said Beryl.

  “Yes,” I said. Beryl then moved in and kissed me. I suddenly felt an energy change in the air. As if it was an energy that was angry and full of hate, which suddenly turned into blissful peace. Then I could see my biological mother in my mind, smiling away.

  ***

  The next morning I turned up at the hospital with a bunch of flowers to see the woman who had given me away at birth, but her room was empty. Rosy Lovmomtons had died in the night.

  Chapter 16

  Let The Crime Begin

  I could no longer talk to my parents. The sheer betrayal was too much for me to face them. I didn’t answer their calls and simply stopped talking with a simple text message that read ‘Don’t contact me’.

  For the next few weeks, I hauled myself up in Beryl’s flat in Hampsteadshire. It suddenly became the happiest time in my life. I fell deeply in love with her as we hatched our plan. We practiced magic daily. Reading my father’s notes, Beryl helped with the Celtic interpretations. We ate together at night and slept with each other every night. It felt like this was meant to be. Until I received a call from my bank.

  “Mr. Morris,” the bank manager said.

  “Yes,” I said.

  “You’ve completely maxed out your credit card. Do you think you will have funds to pay some of it off soon?” said the bank manager. The conversation went on like this and by the end of it I was making an agreement to make a 150 pound deposit in 24 hours.

  “What’s wrong?” said Beryl. I had been completely living off credit for the past few weeks and seeing as though I had not returned to London to get my clothes, nor go to my parent’s house as I was not speaking to them, I had just been spending.

  “I’m broke, Beryl,” I said.

  “Merlin’s beard, not you too,” said Beryl.

  “What do you mean?” I said.

  “Well, I kind of thought seeing as though you were in finance that you were going to be able to support us until we figured out how we were going to do this,” said Beryl.

  “No, I was only an office boy on a small salary. Do you know how much it costs to live in London?” I said.

  “My rent is due on this flat, how are we going to pay it?” said Beryl.