JK Rowling Is A Wizard

by Alex C. McDonald

  “Okay, well don’t panic. Usually it’s not immediate eviction if you miss one payment,” I said.

  “I’m 3 months behind,” said Beryl. Then there was a knock on the door.

  “Eviction notice!” shouted the person from behind the door.

  Next thing we knew, we were parked in a 24-hour mini-mart carpark in Beryl’s little car, while it was pouring with rain outside.

  “Can’t we call your parents?” said Beryl.

  “No, Beryl, they lied to me for years. I’m never speaking to them again,” I said.

  “Well, what are going to do, Sean? We’re out of money, we’ll soon be out of petrol. Are we supposed to just become homeless? I don’t want to be homeless,” said Beryl. I looked inside the mini-mart and watched as a customer paid for some snacks and then left. The shop assistant was all by himself now in the shop and pottered about the shelves checking whether any of the groceries needed to be restocked.

  “No, we’re going to try out our magic,” I said, I pulled out my dad’s scrapbook and flicked through the pages. “We’re going to rob the mini mart, Beryl.”

  “What? What if we get caught?” said Beryl.

  “We’re not going to get caught, because the cashier is going to freely hand us the money,” I said.

  “How do you pronounce this word?” I said to Beryl, pointing to a Gaelic word.

  “Sheunta,” said Beryl. I jumped out of the car and put up my umbrella to cover myself from the rain. It didn’t work very well as rain dripped through the 2 holes.

  “Okay, let’s go and be bad wizards,” I said and walked confidently into the mini-mart. Beryl came chasing after me as I entered the mini-mart and shook off the rain. The shop assistant looked over at us and nodded.

  “Hello,” he said.

  “Good evening,” I said and then began looking at the chocolates. The shop assistant made his way back behind the counter and waited for us to approach with our chosen items.

  “What are you going to do?” said Beryl in a whisper.

  “Shh,” I said as I noticed the shop assistant was keenly watching us. Clearly we were looking a little out of place. I grabbed a couple of chocolate bars and headed up to the counter and handed them to the shop assistant, he scanned them in and then looked at me. It was now or never, I had to try and take the money. This wasn’t a typical ‘stick ‘em up’ and hand me the cash scenario, no, I didn’t want that and we would surely be caught. No, this was wizardry versus muggles.

  I had to find my bravery, it was either bow out and go back to my parents with my tail between my legs or do what Beryl and I had been planning and take what we wanted.

  “1 pound 40 please,” he said to me. I shot my umbrella open and spun it around to dazzle the shop assistant. It was now or never.

  “SHEUNTA!” I said. I peered over my umbrella and the shop assistant looked about bedazzled. Had the spell worked? Beryl nudged me.

  “Now is the time to talk Sean,” said Beryl.

  “Right yes, ahem. You will hand me the contents of the cash register and then delete the security video so that there is no evidence of who we are.”

  The cash register looked up at the video surveillance camera that was staring right at the three us.

  “No, sir, that is not what will be happening. Would you like me to call the police or would you like to pay for your chocolate?” said the shop assistant.

  “Um, er, pay for my chocolate,” I said and saw Beryl roll her eyes. Dammit, she was completely unimpressed by me, but I felt suddenly caught and panicky. I fumbled around in my pockets for the last bits of change I had and put it on the counter. The shop assistant counted the coins.

  “You only have enough for one of these,” said the shop assistant.

  “Right, yes of course,” I said and chose the mint-Aero bar and then turned around to walk out.

  “Your change sir,” said the shop assistant who pushed a 10 pence coin my way.

  “Right, thank you,” I said, picking up the coin. I then scurried off.

  “Sean? What are you doing?” said Beryl angry that I was running away.

  “Don’t say my name!” I said and then ran off to the car and slammed the doors. I was beginning to have a full on anxiety attack. Nothing felt right, I was a complete fraud and charlatan. Pretending to be something I’m not.

  “I am not a wizard, I am not a wizard, I am not a wizard, I am not a wizard,” I said over and over again. Beryl jumped in the car.

  “Sean, what the hell! What just bloody happened then!” said Beryl.

  “I don’t know, this is all make-believe and means nothing and I’m just totally bloody useless, we should just call my parents and get them to swoop in and save us, because I’m worth nothing. Can’t keep a job, can’t keep my friends and you’ll probably leave me to soon,” I said. Wow, I was not coping with this scenario at all. I couldn’t keep myself together.

  “I will leave you if you carry on like this, pull yourself together. This is just one set back, obviously you weren’t ready. Maybe I should have tried. We’ll try again and I’ll do it next time. I mean I am the certified wizard out of the two of us,” said Beryl.

  “Exactly, exactly. Why didn’t you lead? Was it just in case we did get caught and you could just act all innocent like you weren’t privy to it. Are you just using me?” I said. I was really angry, but my anger suddenly began to diminish when I saw Beryl’s face go red.

  I have only ever seen this look on Beryl’s face once, back in year 11 in high school when a girl called Victoria Woodward, who had been bullying Beryl, smacked her books out of her hands in the hallway. That had been the last straw for Beryl and she thumped Victoria Woodward right in the nose. After that, no one bullied her again. I think I’m about to get my nose broken.

  Then there was a knock on my window. I turned around and it was the shopkeeper. He was smiling at me holding up a whole wad of cash. I gently wound down the window.

  “Hello?” I said nervously.

  “Hello sir, here is your money,” said the shopkeeper who handed me over a ton of bank notes that had gotten wet from the rain and then began pulling coins out of his pockets and throwing them into my lap. I was a little bit shocked.

  “What is going on?” I said.

  “Sorry sir, but I couldn’t give you the money in the store as you asked me to delete the video recording. But I am unable to do that on site. The video recordings go to a central server somewhere in Leeds, so eventually they would have seen you take the cash from the store and well, you know, you would have probably been arrested. However, this way you’ll never get caught,” said the shop assistant and then walked off back to the shop.

  I looked at Beryl and then we both just burst out laughing.

  “How much is there?” said Beryl.

  “I think over 400 pounds,” I said.

  “Come on, let’s get out of here,” said Beryl.

  We drove off and just kept driving. Filled the car up with petrol and then found a Bed and Breakfast, where we were able to dry off and have a shower. We got up in the morning and had a full English breakfast with all the trimmings, plus several cups of tea. Plus, we used magic again and didn’t pay a cent for the room and walked out smiling.

  We got in the car and headed for London.

  Chapter 17

  A Plan for Revenge

  We checked in to a modest hotel in London. We chose a basic room after I bedazzled the front desk attendant. I could have gone for something much grander, but I didn’t want to draw any attention to us. Beryl was having a shower as I lay on the bed and flicked through the television channels until I came to a news channel giving a review of the finance industry.

  My stomach turned over as I saw the face of Harry McKilson on television, the man who had fired me from McKilson and Stanley in favour of Gary, who had stolen my golden snitch of a sales pitch. The journalist was grilling him, and McKilson had a smug smile on his face. I would really love to wipe that smile off his face.

/>   “If rumours are right, though Harry, your company is set to make millions off this merger,” said the journalist. What? Wait? What bloody merger?

  There was text scrolling along the bottom of the screen. APL Pharmaceuticals merger with Merryl Linchmann to be finalized in a few days. What the hell? That was my original pitch. I had not been following any financial news at all. I could hardly believe what I was watching.

  “I’m say nothing. This merger will bring a great new powerhouse to the Pharmaceutical industry and McKilson and Stanly are keenly watching its progress,” said Harry McKilson.

  “Yes, but you’ve invested millions of stock into these companies in recent weeks. When these two companies merge you’re set to profit dramatically, plus your own companies stock will rise significantly. How did you know?” said the journalist.

  “Well we have great people working for us and they read and analyzed what they could. This is one of our new rising stars at the company, his name is Gary Elliot.”

  “The bastard!” I said. There the smarmy wanker Gary Elliot came on the television in a brand new Armani suit.

  “Who?” said Beryl, coming out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her.

  “This guy, it’s the guy Beryl,” I said. “The guy who stole my idea and the guy who fired me.”

  “So, Gary,” said the journalist. “You are probably about to achieve a level of success that many dream of. What tips do you have for those out there who want to achieve success?”

  “Word hard,” said Gary. “You know, when others are out partying I was working to find the right information to achieve.”

  “These two?” said Beryl.

  “Yeah, they’re about to make millions off my tip, my knowledge. Merlin’s Beard I would love to wipe the smug smiles off their faces,” I said.

  “You want to kill them?” said Beryl.

  “No, worse, I want to destroy them. I want to break them, I want to see them cry,” I said.

  “Wow, Sean, you’re really embracing this dark wizard thing. How are you going to do it?” said Beryl.

  “I don’t know, there must be some way. Something we could do,” I said.

  “We could simply rob them after they’ve made the money,” said Beryl.

  “No, no, it has to be something bigger, more ruthless,” I said, and then it was like a light bulb went off in my head. “I’m going to bet against the merger. Buy out tons of stock in McKilson and Stanley and buy them as a put stock.”

  “What’s that?” said Beryl.

  “It’s when you buy stock and make money off a company losing value,” I said. “And we’re going to make a ton.”

  “What do we have to do?” said Beryl.

  “Well, the first step is we need to find someone who’s going to give us money to use and not just any sum of money. We are going to need a lot, to make a lot. We’ll play it right. Take their money initially and once we’ve made our money, we’ll give it them back,” I said.

  “How much do you think we need?”

  “A million pounds, minimum,” I said.

  “Right, that’s where I can help. I’ll find the person you need. And then?”

  “Then we’re going to need to find the CEOs of Meryl Linchmann and APL Pharmaceuticals and get them to pull out of the deal,” I said. “But this is all going to have to be last minute. Quietly done and then strike at the final moments.”

  Beryl walked up to me and kissed me.

  “What was that for?” I said smiling.

  “You’re cute when you’re plotting. I know we need to get on to this, but do you think it could wait a bit,” said Beryl winking at me.

  “I think its best we get on to this now,” I said.

  “No, Sean, I want to get in bed with you now,” said Beryl.

  “Right, stupid me. I’m doing it again, aren’t I? I’m useless with women. I can never pick up on the signs,” I said.

  “Just stop talking now,” said Beryl rolling her eyes and then pushed me onto the bed.

  Chapter 18

  Borrowing a Fortune

  Abdul Rahmed Sarraf was a huge Instagram celebrity in the Middle East. He spent most of his life being flown to luxurious locations around the world and promoting luxury products. He was a hit in several countries, but his base was here in London. Most importantly though, he was worth 5.2 million pounds.

  Beryl had been tracking him for the past 24 hours and found out he was dining at a top Michelin star restaurant and then was going to head to his silver-Bentley that had been given to him for a month to drive around London in, and take pictures. A different life than most and earning tons of cash.

  Abdul was going to give us our seed money to get us started. He was never going to know he did it either, but we were going to profit tremendously from it.

  While Beryl had been researching the perfect candidate to get our money from, I had quickly set up a business called D.A. finances. Of course, ‘DA’ standing for Dumbledore’s Army. An ode to our love of the Harry Potter books. I also set up a bank account where the deal would take place.

  We were going to unlock the car and wait in the backseat and then use our magic to hypnotize him to transfer the money. Simple and easy to execute plan. We were both dressed like modern day wizards, with flowing black coats and black pants. Our Doctor Martin boots crunched on the cold paths as we strode towards our victim. We were confident, we were daring and we actually felt kinda cool. Well, at least I did.

  “I think we need sunglasses next time,” I said.

  “I hate people that wear sunglasses at night,” said Beryl. “Plus we’d look like Neo from the matrix and we’re not that cool.”

  “Oh, well, I just thought it might look nice for our image,” I said.

  “Image? What image?”

  “You know, bad wizards, bad boy, bad girl,” I said.

  “Sean, we’re not going for an image, we’re going for power. Worrying about an image is just going to get us killed or arrested and we don’t want that. This is not a movie, you know, this is real-life. People go to jail,” said Beryl.

  “Right, of course,” I said.

  “We agreed, we’ve got to play this cool, but not too cool that we’re trying to look cool,” said Beryl.

  “Right, yes,” I said. Dammit, I wanted to look cool.

  Everything seemed right. This was going to be a huge score, but as we entered the underground car park where Abdul had parked his car, someone was waiting for us.

  “Good evening, Beryl, good evening Sean,” said Darius, as he came out from the shadows.

  “Hello, friends,” said Jasper coming out from behind a cement pole.

  “Darius? What are you doing here?” said Beryl.

  “Just curious, that’s all,” said Darius who paced a little, as if he was Sherlock Holmes trying to uncover a case.

  “Curious about what?” said Beryl, trying to not lose her nerve.

  “You two, actually. Are you two together now?” said Darius.

  “Well we have been spending time together, I am the Master wizard and he is my apprentice,” said Beryl.

  “Is he?” said Darius. “But that’s not what I meant though, is it Beryl?”

  “No, he meant are you boyfriend and girlfriend?” blurted out Jasper.

  “Jasper, shut up,” said Darius.

  “Well I can’t, its him,” said Jasper violently pointing at me. “He’s swept her right from under my nose, she’s my girl and you knew it.”

  “I beg your pardon,” said Beryl. “I was never your girl and I am free to be with whomever I want.”

  “Jasper will you be quiet?” said Darius.

  “Do you love him?” said Jasper.

  “What? Well I, erm, that’s a big question Jasper and certainly not the time or place to be asking such a question,” said Beryl.

  “You drove him all the way to Scotland,” said Jasper.

  “Silencio,” said Darius and waved his plumbers pipe at Jasper, which incredibly hit h
im. Jasper tried to speak but he could not.

  “Wow, nice shot. Looks like you can get a clean shot with your pipe now,” I said.

  “Yeah, actually that spell has been coming in handy a lot with my over-talkative apprentice. It only lasts a little while, but it gives me time to think and to talk to him. So like I said, Jasper, be quiet,” said Darius.

  “Look, Darius, what are you doing here? And how did you know we were here?” said Beryl.

  “I’ve been tracking your phone,” said Darius.

  “You’ve been what?”

  “You heard me. Before you arrived at the hospital I spoke with Algernon and he told me to watch him,” said Darius pointing directly at me. “He also told me that you would train him and to be aware. He could swing either way.”

  “What do you mean?” I said.

  “You know what I mean. Either become a great wizard or become what your father almost became,” said Darius.

  “How much do you know about my father?” I said.

  “Everything. You see Sean, I am your uncle,” said Darius.

  “What?” I said.

  “Angus was my older brother,” said Darius.

  “Yes, and you know what Darius’ last name is?” said Jasper. The spell had now worn off. “Riddle, Sean, Darius and your biological father’s name is Riddle.”

  “As in Tom Riddle? The name Lord Voldemort had before he became the dark lord?” I said.

  “The exact same,” said Jasper.

  “Jasper, do you really need to blurt out all my secrets?” said Darius.

  “Sorry, Master, I just haven’t been able to hold this in, it’s incredible. Please let me tell him,” said Jasper.

  “Okay, fine, you haven’t stopped going on about it, go ahead,” said Darius.

  “Tell me what? How can this get any more shocking?” I said.

  “Do you know your biological mother’s name?” said Jasper.

  “Yes, Rosy.”

  “No, her entire name.”

  “Yes, Rosy Lovmomtons.”

  “No, Sean, she married your biological father Angus, kept her last name and added your fathers. Her name was Rosy Lovmomtons-Riddle,” said Jasper.