JK Rowling Is A Wizard

by Alex C. McDonald

  One afternoon, as I brewed a pot of tea for two, I knew this was the right time to talk to Beryl. I had come to the conclusion that I did not want a life in politics, I wanted peace in the countryside. I was happy, really happy, with this serenity.

  “Beryl, we need to talk,” I said. She was sat on the couch playing on her smartphone.

  “Wow, breaking news,” said Beryl. “Apparently someone broke into JK Rowling’s home.”

  “Oh,” I said, getting distracted. “Do they know who?”

  “No, not yet, just came through on the BBC’s website. It says more details to follow,” said Beryl. “I’ll keep an eye on it. What is it you want to talk about?”

  “Tea?” I said, Beryl nodded as I poured two cups. “It’s actually about the whole taking over the government thing.”

  “Oh yes?” said Beryl eagerly. “I’ve been waiting to hear what you have to say about this. What’s your plan?”

  “My plan? Well, to stay here, actually. I am just so happy and serene that I don’t think I ever want to leave. This is my happy place here,” I said. “I don’t want to be Prime Minister or President of any country. I just want to be here with you. I mean the company is doing fine without us. I could just sign it off and maybe even sell?”

  Beryl didn’t say anything. Her expression went from a pleased look to one of anger. I could see the blood draining from her face and she became redder and redder.

  “Are you okay?” I said.

  “Are you fucking kidding me, Sean?” said Beryl.

  “I beg your pardon? No need for anger here, Beryl, haven’t you enjoyed this time together?” I said.

  “No, no, I haven’t. Do you think I’m with you Sean, because I actually like you? No, Sean, I’m not. I’m with you because you’re an incredibly talented wizard, the likes of which are rare. I’m a pretty good wizard too and together we could actually do things, accomplish things,” said Beryl.

  “What? Beryl, I’m in a bit of shock. I thought we had something, something greater than this world, love,” I said.

  “Oh don’t be such a namby-pamby, Sean. We do have something greater than this world, magic. Real magic. I don’t want to end up like Algernon, waste my power and just end up on a bed with nothing to show for it,” said Beryl.

  “But I love you,” I said.

  “What did you think was going to happen, Sean? We were going to get married and have a couple of kids out here?”

  “Well, the thought has crossed my mind,” I said.

  “What? No, you bloody idiot. You didn’t jump down this rabbit hole with me so you could just blow it all away. You’re in way to deep now you can’t just leave!” said Beryl.

  “You’ve gone mad. What did you think we were going to become some kind of rulers or something?” I said.

  “Yes, Sean, yes. That’s exactly what this is leading to. We are going to be the rulers and get rid of all those corrupt bastards in Westminister,” said Beryl.

  “You sound like bloody Adolf Hitler,” I said.

  “No, Sean, you are completely under the veil of deceit, being played to think that the world is the way it is and it can’t be changed. But we have been graced, Sean Morris, graced with great powers. We are the chosen ones,” said Beryl.

  “Whoa, you sound like a lunatic,” I said. “I’ve had you completely wrong. It had been all so charming and nice this past month. Wow, have I got this wrong.”

  “I’ve had this wrong. I’ve been giving you time this past month to get your head right, ready for the fight,” said Beryl.

  “There is no fight, Beryl. There’s no Voldemort, there’s just me and you. We’re the wizards, in fact we are kind of the bad wizards actually,” I said.

  “We’re not bad wizards. We’ve just manipulated a financial system that has been manipulating the common man for years. Screwing them over. This is why they need us, Sean. The people need magic,” said Beryl. “They’ve forgotten and we’re going to show them what magic can really do.”

  Beryl checked her phone again and her eyes widened as she gasped.

  “I’m out Beryl, we have no enemies and I have a lot of money. I can’t do what you want me to do,” I said.

  “No enemies, hey? Well your enemies are only just beginning,” said Beryl, who strode towards the television and turned it on.

  “BREAKING NEWS; Best-selling author JK Rowling’s home has been broken into and police were called to the scene,” said the news-anchor. It then cut to footage of a man being escorted away by police. There was no mistaking who the man was, it was Darius, my apparent uncle, and he sounded stark raving mad.

  “Joanne!” screamed Darius. “Joanne, please remember! There are bad wizards out there. Real ones. We need you to remember. We need your help!”

  “Words of a raving lunatic there,” said the news-anchor. “Police have reported though that Ms. Rowling was not harmed and nor were any of her family members. Apparently just a little shaken.”

  “A bit of an over the top fanboy I suspect,” said the news-presenter’s co-anchor.

  “You see Sean, you see. You are already too far down the rabbit hole to turn back. They’ll come for you eventually and if you’re not in a position of power, then you better watch out,” said Beryl.

  “Yes, but Beryl you want to take over the bloody country!” I said.

  “No, Sean, I want to take over the world,” said Beryl.

  “I’m out. I’m leaving and going somewhere you will never find me,” I said.

  “Sean, will you at least hear me out?” said Beryl. I turned and looked at her. “You owe me that.”

  “Fine,” I said.

  “The world is a mess, Sean. There is a small percentage of the world’s population that is getting all the wealth. There are people dying and struggling, because they don’t have access to the basic needs. Even then, those that do have access to basic needs, who have qualifications and experience are still struggling. Can’t buy homes, or have debt. While all the while there is a percentage of humans who have more than others. Live easier lives and don’t give a damn about anyone else. This is all because of money, Sean,” said Beryl.

  “Well you’ve got quite a lot of it yourself, Beryl,” I said.

  “Yes, you know why? Because I wanted to experience both ends of the spectrum, Sean. When we first got together over a year ago now, we were kicked out of my flat in Hampsteadshire. Forgotten human beings, now we’re wealthier than anyone on this planet. And you know what? I’m bored of the money. I don’t want it. I could give it all away tomorrow. Sure, it’s been great to experience it, but it makes me sick to think that we were on the verge of severe homelessness and the government didn’t care, but when our bank accounts are overflowing we get a personal visit from the Chancellor of the Exchequer,” said Beryl. “That’s what’s wrong with this country and that’s what’s wrong with this world. There is a ruling class governing us and it’s wrong. It’s wrong because our planet is dying, species are becoming extinct and human beings are being treated dreadfully. All because of money.”

  “Okay, great speech, but that’s all been said before. What other alternative is there?” I said.

  “What other alternative? Magic, Sean, magic is the alternative. Money is not real Sean, it’s just something that was made up and has been used and manipulated to make it seem real. Magic though, is real. Magic can replace everything. You and I will not have children together, but we can be the mother and father of a new era of humanity. A new golden era where polluting factories are shut down and replaced with magical production lines that produce no CO2 gasses. Cars will no longer be needed as more wizards, magicians, sages and witches realise their potential and grow our craft and invent new forms of magical transport. Food and water will be magically produced and distributed and greater wisdom will be bestowed upon us as we connect more to nature. Money, Sean, will no longer be needed, because the world will become magical and everyone could use a little bit of magic in their life.”

 
“Okay, you might have me,” I said.

  “I might have you? This is what I thought you’d been thinking about for the past month?” said Beryl.

  “No, I’ve just been chilling out. It’s been a pretty stressful year becoming a billionaire you know?” I said. Beryl laughed out loud.

  “And this is why it has to be you, Sean, to lead the way. You’re so innocent. Look, I have to confess, I have led you along the way, but this is why. We needed to experience what it was like to be rich. You too have come to some conclusion that you do not want wealth by saying you’ll sell the company and live out here to the end of your days. But you can’t Sean, the world needs you,” said Beryl.

  We embraced in a tremendous hug that made me feel all fuzzy inside. Beryl did have a point though, what if magic was the law of the world? People of all backgrounds suddenly becoming wizards and witches and embracing their magical talents.

  Merlin’s beard! Climate change could be halted and possibly reversed. Poverty could be ended. The gap between rich and poor may cease to exist! The possibilities were endless.

  Beryl was right, there is a fight to be had. A fight against those that want to keep it just the way it is.

  “I think it’s time for you to be initiated,” said Beryl.

  “What?” I said.

  “Initiated as a full wizard, or witch, whatever you’d prefer to be called,” said Beryl.

  “I am a wizard though, Beryl,” I said.

  “No, you’ve been my apprentice for over a year now. Remember that week after we first got together I went through the initiation myself. Now your powers are great, but you need to go through the final initiation for the powers of magic to finally deem you a wizard or witch or sage, whatever you wish to be called,” said Beryl.

  “A wizard, but I’m confused, I haven’t really thought of myself as your apprentice at all. I mean you haven’t really taught me much,” I said.

  “Haven’t I?” said Beryl with a cheeky smile. “Come on, let’s finish our tea and then head to bed for some rest. The energy for the initiation is best at dusk.”

  Chapter 24

  Initiation

  It was cold as the first glimpses of the new day began to shine. We made our way through a field to where a forest began. I had struggled to sleep, as I hadn’t considered that I wasn’t quite a wizard yet. In fact, I almost felt like I had been doing most of the magic, but perhaps I hadn’t been. Beryl was certainly a more hands-off teacher. Although, when I had felt nervous or felt like I was straying from my magical path, she had always fervently pushed me. I had been her apprentice all along and had not realized it through the veil of my own ego.

  “So, what does this involve?” I asked.

  “Nothing much, just a visit from a dead wizard who will confirm your magical path,” said Beryl, as she pushed past a branch.

  “Oh, who is this dead wizard?” I said.

  “Everyone meets somebody different. Mine was Algernon,” said Beryl.

  “Algernon, but he had just died,” I said.

  “I know, I was surprised to see him too,” said Beryl.

  “What did he tell you?” I said.

  “Well, he knew all about my financial troubles as we had talked at length about it. He told me that my magical path involved a shift in the direction of human history, but first I would need to experience what it was like to be extraordinarily rich,” said Beryl, turning to me and smiling.

  “Wow, he really said that to you?” I said.

  “Yes.”

  “Why have you never told me about this?”

  “Well firstly, you were just an apprentice and we don’t talk about the initiation ceremony to apprentices and also, his prophecy about my magical path involved you. He told me that my new apprentice would help me in gaining the wealth I needed for that experience,” said Beryl.

  “Well, who will I meet?” I said.

  “I don’t know. Like I said, everyone is different,” said Beryl.

  “I’m nervous, Beryl. What if it’s my father? I mean my biological father?” I said.

  “I think it’s a pretty good chance that it will be, Sean. Don’t be nervous though, just listen to his advice,” said Beryl.

  We found a dirt clearing in the forest and Beryl began drawing a star and then a circle around it. She pulled out her Harry Potter book.

  “Step inside the star,” said Beryl. I did as I was told. Beryl took a deep breath in and then blew out. “To the powers of North, the South, West and East I call on thee. Come forth and see the new initiate. He has showed himself worthy of having the powers of a wizard and will be a great wizard. Show him the path to wisdom.”

  Beryl then snapped her book shut. A great gust of wind then blew through the forest, shaking the branches of trees. The strength of the wind began to grow and grow. It was soon blowing at such a speed that I had to cover my face.

  “Beryl, is this right? This feels uncomfortable,” I shouted.

  “Go with it Sean, embrace the winds of magic, they call to you,” said Beryl.

  The wind was soon at a gale force. I could barely stand on my own two feet. Trees shook and their leaves fell off and whisked around me. I looked towards Beryl and my heart sank as she appeared to turn into dust and then blew away with the wind.

  “Beryl? Beryl?” I called. I tried to run after her, but the dust she had turned into was gone and the wind suddenly died down. The star that I had been stood inside had miraculously not been blown out of shape and was still perfectly drawn the way Beryl had done. Chattering whispers echoed around the forest, but I couldn’t quite catch what the voices were saying.

  “Hello?” I said. “Is anyone there?”

  The sweet smell of a pipe being smoked began to permeate the air, so I decided to follow its scent. I pushed aside branches and spikey brambles as I went deeper into the forest.

  The smell of tobacco got stronger as I approached a deep and wide stream, that flowed slowly. There, with his back to me, was a man sucking on a long, wooden pipe. He wore a dirty, pointy hat that had a yellowish half-moon emblazoned on it and his clothes were old, looking like medieval garb. He held a primitive fishing rod, but didn’t seem too interested in reeling it in. Closely lying next to him was a long wooden stick.

  “Hello?” I said. The man inhaled deeply from his pipe and blew out a large puff of smoke.

  “I’ve been waiting a long time for you, Sean Morris,” said the man.

  “Father, is that you? I mean, Angus?” I said. He turned to look at me. His long, gray beard was terribly unkempt, looking like it needed a good comb. In fact, it was that matted that there were a couple of birds nesting in it. He had deep coloured eyes, maybe blue, although probably brown. He studied me intently as I couldn’t help looking at his unusual shaped nose that was large and bulbous. The man was plainly ugly. In fact, if he hadn’t said my name I would have thought he was some kind of deranged, homeless man.

  “Father? I should hope not, some kind of dreadful magic would make me your father,” said the man.

  “So, you’re not my father?” I said.

  “No, you buffoon, I left this world well over a millennia ago and haven’t come back until today. Who is the current King of England?” said the man.

  “Well there is no King actually,” I said.

  “No King,” interrupted the man before I could finish. “Has the country descended into madness?”

  “Well no, but maybe yes. Although there is no King, because there is a Queen,” I said. “Queen Elizabeth.”

  “But there must be a King if there is a Queen. Who makes all the decisions?” said the man.

  “Well, the Prime Minister and her government, I guess,” I said.

  “What’s a Prime Munistor and you said her government? Damn, the country has gone into madness. You have women running the whole damn thing,” said the man.

  “Er, well actually women are equal to men, sir. In fact, women often make better decisions, sometimes not, but in this country, we d
on’t judge our leaders by their gender. We judge them by their quality,” I said.

  “Huh, I’m glad I’m dead,” said the man who returned to his pipe and began reeling in his fishing rod. I went and sat close to him. He smelled, badly.

  “So who exactly are you?” I said.

  “Who am I? You haven’t figured it out yet? I’m Merlin.”

  “What? Merlin? As in King Arthur’s Merlin?” I said.

  “Yes, you idiot. Is there any other?” said Merlin.

  “Wow, in none of the tales did it point out that Merlin was a misogynist.”

  “What did you call me?” said Merlin raising to his feet and grabbing his wooden stick. Yes, that wooden stick was a wand. I immediately stood to my feet and pulled out my umbrella opening it and getting ready to strike.

  “Let’s not do this,” I said.

  “Are you sure? You don’t want to duel with the great Merlin?” said the scruffy old wizard. Merlin let down his wand and looked at my umbrella with curiosity. He stroked it a little and examined it in detail.

  “What is this?” asked Merlin.

  “Well, it’s an umbrella actually,” I said.

  “An um-what?” said Merlin. I held it up as a demonstration.

  “It’s my magical object, but umbrellas are used all the time when it’s raining,” I said.

  “Good god, what an incredible stroke of magic. You must be a great wizard to have invented this marvelous device,” said Merlin. “Perhaps you’re not a complete an utter moron after all.”

  “No, but you are,” I muttered as Merlin returned to his seat and repacked his pipe, lighting it up.

  “So, you’re here for advice from the Great Merlin? Lucky you,” said Merlin. “Let’s start with this whole female leadership problem.”

  “Let’s not,” I said. “Surely that’s not what you’re here to tell me to use my magical ability for? To bring down women?”

  “No, but I really think that it’s a good addition,” said Merlin.

  “It’s really not,” I said. “Can you maybe get on with whatever message you do have for me.”