Since You've Been Gone

by S. M Phillips

  “Nope.” Jesus, this is hard. I guess she just has that kind of effect on me. “No can do.”

  “That’s just evil. I thought we said no more secrets?”

  Wow. Talk about a low blow. I know she doesn’t mean anything by it and it’s just her way of trying to pry the hidden information out of me, but at the same time it still cuts deep. “It’s not a secret, I’ve just not disclosed all of it yet that’s all.”

  I’m getting nervous now and my hand swipes down along my jaw as I try to keep my eyes focused on the road ahead of me. What if this isn’t what she wanted? Maybe I should have asked her first. Both of us have changed so much over the years that we’ve been separated. Maybe she doesn’t enjoy all the things that she used to. Shit…

  “Hey, what’s wrong? Jake…”

  Lucy’s voice is as delicate as ever and I hate the fact that she probably thinks that she’s upset me. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Maybe I’m just trying too hard to please her, to make up for everything that went wrong in the past. “Nothing.” My hand rests on her thigh and I feel a desperate breath escape her. Whether it’s from relief that I’m okay or from my touch it’s a little hard to tell. Hey, it could be from both. “Are you okay?”

  “I guess. I’d be a lot happier if I knew what we were doing though.” She teases while placing her hand over mine.

  “I promised to make you happy if you gave me the chance and that’s what I’m trying to do. All I have ever wanted to do was to be the one to make you happy.”

  “What’s gotten into you today? You’re acting all weird. And you do…”

  “Lucy…” I try to stop her, but she cuts me off just as quick.

  “… You do make me happy. So happy Jake.”

  I cut the engine and wait for Lucy to say something, anything, but it feels like my whole life has been put on slow motion. “We’re here.” I say weakly, trying to break the awkward silence.

  I chance a quick look at her and see that her beautiful face is all scrunched up in confusion. “Okay, but what are we doing here? I know I said you were acting weird before, but I take it all back. Now you’re acting weird. What’s going on?”

  “I thought we could do with a break and I know a guy…”

  “You know a guy?”

  “Yep. I know a guy and a girl actually, and they were extremely happy to help me with my little project.” I say and I see everything click into place and her face lights up as a smile dances across her lips. God she’s so perfect. I’ve always loved everything about her, right from the off when she decided share the contents of her stomach with me that first night we met.

  “Hang on a minute… You’re telling me that Hannah and Daniel were in on this too and none of them said a word to me? Daniel, I totally understand, but Hannah. How could she do that to me?”

  “Trust me, she wasn’t happy about it.” Hannah, Lucy’s best friend, the girl who helped me win back the woman of my dreams was fighting my corner once again. I owe her everything and I’ll never forget what she did for me. Especially allowing me to come to her special day so that I could try and win Lucy back. She’s got balls of steel that one. Why would anyone allow a stranger to come to your wedding day to declare their undying love for your best friend after you’d unknowingly broken her heart many years ago, personally, I’ve got no idea, but boy am I glad that she agreed.

  Planning this little getaway was a different matter altogether. I’d been planning it for weeks and I even went as far as booking it before I even confided in them.

  “You can’t just up and leave Jake. Lucy’s got commitments. Maybe you should check with her first, make sure that she actually wants to go away.” Hannah told me, but good old Daniel didn’t see anything wrong with it. In fact, he was well and truly fighting in my corner. Us guys have got to stick together after all.

  “Hannah, of course Lucy will love it. Why shouldn’t she just up and leave. She’s her own boss and God only knows that her and Jake could do with some private time. I think they’ve got a lot of catching up to do. And just think of the romance. You can’t tell me that Jake wanting to whisk Lucy off into the sunset isn’t romantic.” Eventually, he managed to work his new wife around to my idea of thinking and then it was all systems go.

  Now I just had to keep my surprise quiet around her.

  I can’t help but watch Lucy closely as the realisation of what is happening all falls into place. Her eyes are wide and bright and her whole body is tensed with excitement. She looks so happy and finally some of my earlier nerves begin to ebb away slightly.

  “Please don’t tell me we’ve just come here to pick someone up?”

  Oh, now I could be really evil here if I wanted too. I could have a little bit of fun by winding her up a little. “I thought it’d be nice for us to go and grab a bite to eat. My treat?” Her smile fades a little and I feel pretty bad, but I don’t want to give too much away too soon.

  “Oh, I thought…” She begins, her hands falling together as she fidgets in front of me. “Never mind.”

  “Sorry, I thought it would be easier to park up here. I’ve been wanting to try this place out since I saw it when I came down for Hannah’s wedding.” I look over and point to the pub opposite us. It’s not a complete lie. I did think about bringing Lucy here, but then I thought why not kill two birds with one stone and bring her just before we head off. I check my watch and see that we’ve got more than enough time to grab a quick bite to eat.

  “Sounds like a plan. You know I’ve never been here either.” She says and I can tell she’s a little bit gutted at my idea of a surprise. Without saying anything else, she reaches out and grabs my hand firmly in hers and drags me forwards, out of the carpark and across the road to the pub.

  “You grab a seat and I’ll get the drinks.” God this is killing me. The look of defeat on her face had me desperate to spill my guts out to her and reveal everything. I hate the thought of making her sad and those sad puppy dog eyes that she had on display earlier were a fucking killer.

  Stay strong Jake, you have to stay strong.

  I guess that’s easier said than done when she’s my weakness. She could ask me for anything and I’d give it to her with no questions asked, none whatsoever. Some people would probably think that was a sucker’s game, but after everything that I put her through and everything that the two of us missed out on, it’s only fair that I give her everything that she deserves and more.

  “What can I get you?”

  My mind wanders back to the present as I look at the small friendly looking brunette behind the bar. Her smile is kind and welcoming. “I’ll just have a pint and a double vodka and coke, please.”

  “Coming right up.” She smiles effortlessly and I feel like I’ve known her for a whole lot longer than five minutes. “So, you going on your jolly’s or just passing through?” She asks curiously and I feel implied to answer her which isn’t something that I would usually do.

  “A little bit of both, but it’s a surprise.” I wink back, suddenly feeling like a complete and utter knob. What the bloody hell would she care if it’s a secret or not?

  “I see.” She laughs and her eyes land on Lucy. I turn to look at her and see that her nose is buried deep in the food menu. Well, I guess that’s a start. Maybe she does just believe that I’ve taken her for something to eat. “Come back whenever you’re ready to order.”

  “Thank you.” I turn on my heel with our drinks in hand and make my way over to Lucy. Her eyes meet mine as soon as I take a seat and she smiles back with so much happiness in her eyes, it kind of leaves me a little breathless. Could she fucking get any more perfect?

  “Here we go…” Sliding her drink towards her, our hands touch for a moment and sparks fly throughout my whole body at her touch. Jesus Christ, there’s no way that I’ll be able to get away with hiding a boner in the middle of a packed out family pub. I shift a little, trying to discreetly rearrange myself without drawing any unwanted attention to my little situation
and Lucy laughs over the top of her menu.” “Something funny?”

  “Nope. Not at all.”

  “You sure?” She knows, and she probably finds it hilarious because there’s nothing that I can do about it. Not a goddamn thing.

  “You know I still can’t believe this. It feels surreal…”

  “What grabbing something to eat?”

  “No, this- us.” Lucy pauses for a moment and grabs her drink, sucking on her straw slowly which in turn does nothing to ease the throbbing sensation in my pants. Surely, she must know what kind of effect she has on me. “You know I never ever thought that I would see you again.” The light in her eyes fades a little and all I want to do is reach out and comfort her. I hate knowing that I was the one who broke her innocent and loving heart. I hate that I’m the one who wasn’t there for her when I should have been. When we met all those summer’s ago, she put every single bit of trust that she had in me. She relied on me and believed all the promises that I made her and I let her down.

  I didn’t do it intentionally, no. I was stupid, young, and naïve, but I still caused her so much pain. Pain that will most likely always be there whenever she thinks back on that period of her life and I feel like such a bell-end. “Then that makes two of us.” I whisper, placing my hand over hers when I can’t hold back any longer. “You know that none of that will ever happen again, don’t you? I’m a man now and I know exactly what I want and what I want is you. It’s always been you Lucy.” I say the words slowly, desperate for her to understand how much I mean them. I didn’t deserve the second chance that she’s given me, but I’m grateful that she has. “Trust me, I know what it’s like to lose you and I never want to feel that way again. For year’s I was lost. No matter what I did there was this huge void that I just couldn’t fill”. Sure, I had my fair share of relationships but they never worked out. I was never settled, never content and I know that’s because the people that I was with weren’t her. They weren’t Lucy; my Lucy.

  “Someone’s definitely being mushy.” She laughs, but it’s her nervous laugh and I can tell that she’s still scared, scared that one day she’ll wake up and I won’t be there. I just know that she’s waiting for me to let her down again. But that is never, ever going to happen.

  “I missed you so much, Jake.” My hand tightens around hers a little bit more as she speaks, her voice cracking ever so slightly. “God, I was so angry with you. You were the first person that I ever loved and you took my heart openly and then squashed it right in the palm of your hands.”

  “Lucy…” I begin, her home truths hitting me hard, like a massive fucking kick to my already bruised balls.

  “But… over time the anger slowly faded away and I was left with sadness and an emptiness that I couldn’t explain. I tried to move on with my life, but nothing really seemed to work out. Everything was always off. I knew it was because of you, but I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wallowing in self-pity over something that I couldn’t change. Hannah knew though. She’s always been good at reading me, even when I try to keep everything bottled up.”

  “I’m glad, because otherwise I definitely wouldn’t have stood a chance, would I?”

  “Honestly? No, I don’t think you would. I’ll always be grateful to Hannah for that. She’s always had a way of knowing what’s best for me even when I don’t.”

  “I’m glad you had someone like her around to take care of you when all that shit hit the fan… really I am.” I say truthfully. I spent many nights wondering where she was and who she was with. Did she just go back home and move on with her life, or did she still think about me from time to time?

  “Well, hopefully if you behave yourself most of that will become your job now?”

  “Too fucking right it will. I love you Lucy Love and nothing and no one will ever change that. Is that understood?”

  “Loud and clear.” Her hand lands on her head as she salutes me and I can’t help but laugh along with her. God she’s so fucking cute, it’s unreal.

  “Are you ready?”

  We’ve been sat in the pub for the past three hours and I’m conscious that we don’t really have much time to waste now. It’s been nice talking about the things that we have been trying to awkwardly avoid since we started back up again. I know that Lucy will always be worried and thinking about things at the back of her mind or when she thinks that I’m not looking. Hell, I’m worried that one day she might actually wake up and realise that she made a massive mistake by giving me another chance. I hope that’s not the case because not having Lucy in my life again would utterly destroy me. It would be the end for me, but that fear is always going to be there.

  “Why, do you want to head back?” She asks, confusion etched all over her pretty little face. “I thought we were having a good time?”

  “I am. I’ve had a brilliant time, it’s just…”

  “Come on, spill.” She demands. Shit. I’ve not really thought about the next step of my plan. How am I supposed to get around this without disclosing everything to her? Maybe I should just tell her. I know that she doesn’t want secrets between us and I don’t want to upset her or lead her to believe that she can’t trust me, because she can.

  “I just thought it would be nice to go for a walk?” Well done, that sounded convincing.

  “A walk? What around here? Jake, it’s dark out there now and trust me when I tell you that there’s not really much to see.”

  “No, you’re right. I just thought it would have been romantic…”

  “You bloody wally. Yes, it would be romantic, but I can think of a few more exciting things that we could be doing with our time…”

  “You could, huh? How about you enlighten me?” I ask, if she didn’t have my full attention before then she definitely has it all now.

  “I could tell you, I guess maybe if we weren’t in public I’d be able to show you.”

  “Are you seriously trying to prevent me from moving from this table?” I’ve been sat here with a semi for most of the afternoon and now she wants to make sure that I can’t leave this place without drawing attention to my growing bulge? I knew these pants were a fucking bad idea. They’re the kind that cling to you in all the wrong places.

  “Well what else do you have in mind apart from your little romantic walk around Manchester?” I watch her. I could sit and watch her for hours but if I did that then we’d definitely miss what I have planned.

  “Come on little Miss Inquisitive. I’ve got something to show you.”

  This time Lucy doesn’t argue, instead she raises a cryptic brow and finishes her drink before standing up and smoothing down her dress. She looks so good in that dress….

  Come on Jake, you need to snap out of it and fast my friend. I think to myself. “After you, kind Sir.” She smiles and grabs my hand before pulling me forwards and we head towards the door. “You know, I kind of like the way those pants look on you.” Oh, so she’s definitely noticed then. Not to be all that big headed, but it’s pretty noticeable. “I think you should wear them more often.”

  “I’m glad you approve.” I laugh along with her and draw her in to me. Words really cant describe how happy she makes me.

  Yes, I can spend the rest of my life punishing myself for letting her go all those years ago and I most probably will, but she has reminded me that life is for living and spending it with the ones who mean the most. I plan to cherish every second that we spend together and I’m sure as hell going to make sure that the memories that we make, will be bigger and better than the ones we lost out on; starting now.

  “Are you ready for your surprise?”

  Lucy turns her head to look at me and a huge smirk breaks free on my lips. “A surprise? I thought we were going on a romantic stroll?”

  “Do us a favour? Grab my keys and open the boot.” I really wish that I had thought ahead and videoed this moment. She looks, well she doesn’t look best pleased that’s for sure. “What?”

  “Why do I need to open the
boot? Oh… is this some kinky shit where you’re going to pretend to kidnap me?” She asks and I don’t know whether to do what she asks or be a little worried at her suggestion.

  “Um, if that’s what you’re into then your wish is my command, but not today beautiful. Go on, open it.” I try to encourage her and slowly it seems to work as she finally puts one foot in front of the other. I wait patiently as she looks inside. Come on, this is torture. I need to know her reaction. Jesus, have I done the right thing or not?

  “Cases?” she whips her head back to look at me and I smile as everything slowly clicks into place. “Cases and the airport… Jake you didn’t just bring me here for lunch, did you?”

  “No. I’m sorry…” I say, unsure if she’s happy or just in shock.

  “Don’t be sorry. Are we going away? If you say no, then that’s when you’ll need to be sorry, sunshine. Are we, are we?” She continues, excitement running through her body.

  Well, I guess this is it. Here goes nothing, or maybe my balls. “Yep. I thought it would be nice to get away, just you and me.”

  “But how… I don’t have my passport or anything.”

  “Don’t worry about that, it’s all covered.” I really didn’t plan on her asking so many questions.

  “Hannah… was she behind all this? I don’t believe it.”

  “Hey listen, a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do. Plus, Daniel helped.” I walk over to her some more and stop when our bodies are almost touching. “Don’t be mad at them, it was my idea but there’s no way that I could have done any of this without those two in my corner. I wanted everything to be so special.”

  “So, when do you tell me where we’re headed?” She asks while raising up on her tip toes and throwing her long slim arms around my neck. She smells of wine and her citrusy perfume. God when I smell that perfume it takes me back to the good old days.