Intentions - SF9

by Meagher, Susan X

  Ryan had been staring at her in shock through this entire soliloquy, amazed that her roommate paid that much attention to her. Mia summarized by saying, "In my opinion, you look too good for an ex, and if I was Jamie I'd make you put on some heavy sweats."

  Ryan's brain was still trying to accept the fact that Mia had just been checking her out--thoroughly. One point stood out and she jumped on it. "She's not an ex!" Ryan explained again. "We just had sex."

  "How often?" Mia asked conversationally. "Once, twice?"

  "A few times a month for around six years," Ryan mumbled, as she ran her hands through her hair while gazing into the mirror once again.

  "Oh, well then, I understand completely," Mia said somberly. "Just sex partners."

  Ryan was just about to explain once again when the bell rang. "Yipes!" she said weakly as she moved towards the door. When she was almost there she looked over at Mia and whispered loudly, "You're not staying, are you?"

  "Gee, thanks for the heartfelt invitation," she scowled. "Don't worry, Ryan, I'm just staying for a peek."

  Ryan rolled her eyes dramatically as she reached for the door. As she flung it open, Mia witnessed the most abrupt change in a human that she thought she had ever seen. "Ally!" Ryan cried happily.

  The very large, very well built woman stepped into the foyer and rumbled out, "Hey, Sugar," as she wrapped her massive arms around her friend, lifting her slightly off the ground.

  Ryan's face broke into a wide smile, and Mia was amazed to see that there was something shy and demure about her entire demeanor. As the woman deposited her back on the ground, Ryan clasped her hands behind her friend's neck and leaned back to let the larger woman take a good look. "As usual, you're more beautiful every time I see you," the deep voice murmured. "Jamie is one lucky, lucky woman."

  Ryan blushed so deeply that she looked like she'd been slapped. She leaned in and gave her friend a sweet kiss on the lips as Mia privately mused that it was lucky that Jamie wasn't there to see the emotion lurking just under the surface. Sex partners my ass! she thought derisively.

  As they released each other, Ryan took her by the hand and led her into the parlor. "Mia, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Ally Webster. Ally, Mia Christopher."

  Mia hopped up from the sofa and extended her hand, "Good to meet you," she said as she batted her eyes at the handsome stranger.

  "The pleasure is all mine," she rumbled out in her soft southern accent.

  "Mia is our roommate, Ally," Ryan explained.

  "Ahh, will you be joining us for dinner?" she asked with a twinkle in her eyes, holding onto Mia's hand just a little longer than necessary.

  "Yes," Mia replied as Ryan concurrently said, "No, she's got a prior engagement."

  Ryan shot her a glare but Mia shrugged it off as she said, "I can cancel that engagement, Ryan. I'd much rather stay home tonight." She batted her eyes again and extended her hand to Ally. "Come sit down and tell me about yourself while Ryan gets you something to drink. What would you like?"

  "Sparkling water?" Ally suggested.

  "Coming right up," Ryan gritted out through clenched teeth.

  "Mia's staying for dinner!" she hissed out as she passed Jamie on the way to the refrigerator.

  "It's okay, Hon, I told her she could stay if she wanted to."

  Ryan stopped dead in her tracks and glared at the back of her partner's head. "You did what?" she asked flatly.

  Jamie turned and started a bit at the look on Ryan's face. "I told her she could stay if she wanted to. Why, is that a big deal?"

  "Do I have any say in anything around here?" she demanded. "Or am I supposed to be put on display for the whole neighborhood?"

  "Display?" she asked slowly.

  "Don't act like you don't have a hidden agenda," Ryan hissed out. "You always do!" She stuck her head in the refrigerator and yanked out a sparkling water. As she passed by she muttered, "I'm just a pawn in your little game!"

  As she stalked out the door, Jamie stood rooted in place. She shook her head forcefully to clear it and muttered aloud, "I don't know who that is, but I'd like my Ryan back!"

  During the meal they spoke of common interests and current events in the Bay Area. Ally was unfailingly polite and expressed a quiet interest in almost all of the topics they covered, but she spoke very little of her own accord. Jamie tried to draw her out a bit by asking about her family. Ryan shot her a warning glance, having specifically told Jamie not to ask about them, but to her surprise, Ally easily began to speak about her history.

  "So where are you from again, Ally?" Jamie asked.

  "Chapel Hill, North Carolina," she said with a heavier accent than she usually displayed.

  "Interesting," Jamie said. "I don't think I know anyone from the South. What was it like to grow up in a university town?"

  "Well, my parents were both affiliated with the university so it was a little like a company town for me. Most of our social circle revolved around the school, so I suppose it just seemed like any other large employer in a small town."

  Ryan had no idea that her parents were affiliated with the school; in fact, she had even forgotten what town she was from. Jamie continued, "What did your parents do?"

  "My father is a professor in the chemistry department and my mother is a lecturer in the English department."

  Ryan's eyes bugged out at this revelation. She had always assumed that Ally was from a poor, uneducated family, and she had to admit that she was following a blatant stereotype. Since Ally was from the South, hadn't attended college, and had been molested by a family member, she had just assumed that she was poor white trash--but white trash didn't teach at the University of North Carolina.

  "That's fascinating!" Jamie said. "But you didn't go to college, did you?"

  "Nope. I wanted to get as far away from academia as possible," she conceded. "I think I've done a pretty good job of it too," she laughed. "Hanging out in a gym all day is the antithesis of academia. I must say, though, that my mother's influence still shows up in my choice of reading material."

  "Really? What do you read?" Jamie asked. Ryan couldn't wait to hear this since she had never seen a book anywhere in Ally's house.

  "I am a sucker for anything from the Victorian period," she admitted with a little blush. "I know I don't look like the type, but a good romantic heroine gets me every time!"

  "That's fascinating," Jamie said. "I'm an English lit major and the Victorian period is one of my favorites also!"

  They went off on a wide-ranging discussion of their favorite works while Ryan just stared at them, unable to contribute much since she had only read the bare minimum of fiction require to get through school. Instead, she sat back and tried to reconcile what she was learning with what she knew of Ally, and she found that nothing fit. She was just wondering where all of these books were stored, when Ally admitted that she didn't keep books in her house, since she thought they needed to be actively read. So a few years earlier she had begun to donate every book she bought to her local high school as soon as she was finished with it.

  Ryan just shook her head as she took in each new detail about her friend. Why haven't we talked like this? she wondered. Did I just never bother, or didn't she want to share this stuff with me? Maybe she thinks I'm not well versed enough to have a serious discussion about the things that interest her, she mused. God knows I have no friggin' idea of what they're talking about.

  After their extended tour of English literature, Jamie brought the conversation back to something they could all participate in. "So, are you seeing anyone now, Ally?" she asked, smiling at her sweetly.

  Subtle, Jamie, really subtle, Ryan thought.

  "Yes, as a matter of fact, I started seeing someone just a couple of months ago. She's a student at San Francisco State. She's an English major too, Jamie. I bet you'd like her."

  "Why didn't you bring her?" Ryan asked.

  Now it was Ally's turn to blush as she admitted, "I don't know if she's ready to
meet my exes. Especially the ones that look like you," she said as she leveled her gaze at Ryan.

  For the tenth time that night, Ryan blushed to the roots of her hair, and Mia actually expected to hear her say "aw, shucks" at any minute.

  The ringing phone saved Ryan from having to reply, and she hopped up to answer it. "Mia, it's for you," she said as she walked back to the table. "Jordan."

  When Mia returned, she announced that Jordan was coming over to take their usual after-dinner stroll. She dashed upstairs to put her running shoes on, then said her goodbyes and went out to meet Jordan halfway.

  After Mia took her leave, they went into the parlor to digest their meal prior to having dessert. Jamie sat on the end of the sofa and, since Ryan sat right next to her, she assumed she had been forgiven her earlier transgressions. Within moments Ryan's arm was around her, and she had her hand resting on the inside of Ryan's thigh, as usual.

  "You two seem absolutely perfect together," Ally observed, smiling at them fondly. "You finish each other's sentences, and you seem to communicate without words a lot. It's really great to see you look so happy, Ryan. You truly deserve the best."

  Since Ryan's embarrassed grin didn't look like it was going away any time soon, Jamie jumped in. "You're the only person I know who knew Ryan when she was just coming out. Do you mind talking about what she was like when you first met her? I'm terribly curious about her youth."

  Ryan started to protest, but Ally smiled and said, "Happy to. I have nothing but fond memories of Ryan."

  "What was she like when you met?"

  "Well, I'd have to say she was a lot different than she is now," Ally said thoughtfully. "She was very sweet--which hasn't changed--but she was so naïve that you could have convinced her the sky was green without half trying," she said with a laugh. Ryan just smiled over at her and rolled her eyes a little bit.

  "I have a hard time picturing that," Jamie said.

  "It's a little hard to explain," Ally said. "In some areas Ryan was very mature for her age, but she was clueless about dating and relationships and sex."

  Ryan was again blushing furiously, and Ally gave her a concerned look. "Do you mind us talking about you, Sweet Pea?"

  Jamie bristled just a bit at the endearment, but she reassured herself that it was probably a pet name that just seemed natural to them. Ryan shook her head lightly and said, "No, I don't mind. It's kind of interesting to see myself through your eyes."

  Ally continued, "I don't know how many women you had been with, Ryan, but you were just like a big black Labrador puppy when I first met you. You were so enthusiastic and playful. You were just willing to dive in and give everything you had, but I recognized that was going to get you hurt badly. So I tried to give you some advice on how to be a little more careful about giving your heart away. Up until now I've been worried that maybe you took me too literally. I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever find someone that you could love."

  "You did me a bigger favor than you'll ever know, Ally," Ryan said sincerely. "I would have had my heart broken 50 times by now if you hadn't showed me how to determine if someone was right for me before I jumped in with both feet. And you taught me some lessons that Jamie here has benefited from also," she said as she pinched her lover on the side.

  "I'll say!" Jamie replied through her giggles. "And I owe you a debt of gratitude for teaching my sweetie about safer sex. She would have been on antibiotics all the time if you hadn't knocked some sense into her."

  "My pleasure," Ally grinned. "This little one was too precious to waste." She laughed at her own joke and said, "Although I hadn't planned on conducting the safer sex lessons in person."

  "What do you mean?" Ryan asked.

  "Is it really okay if I talk about this?" Ally asked. "Most women would be uncomfortable hearing ex-lovers talk about their sex life."

  "It's fine, really," Jamie assured her. "The only time we have trouble is when we don't talk about things."

  "Okay, I can see that," she conceded. She furrowed her brow a bit as she began, "I've never told you this, Ryan, but I think I should tell you why I was never interested in being exclusive with you."

  Ryan sat up with a deeply interested look on her face. She cocked her head just a bit and gazed at Ally, urging her to continue. "I had a pretty tough childhood, Jamie," she said as she addressed her. "I got involved with drugs and alcohol at a very early age. I'd say I was an alcoholic by fifteen," she admitted softly. "After I had been in San Francisco for a while I met a woman who helped me get sober. It was really tough for me to stop, but I was managing pretty well. My sponsor worked very, very closely with me and I would say I had been sober for about six months when I met Ryan. I've got to tell you, from the first day I laid eyes on her I was a goner!"

  Ryan looked up in surprise as she said, "You barely seemed to notice me! I didn't think you even knew my name when you took me to Good Vibrations!"

  "Oh, I knew your name all right. But as soon as I told my sponsor about you, she warned me to steer clear. It's usually dangerous to get into a relationship during your first year of sobriety, and she strongly urged me to avoid you. I didn't want to listen to her, but she told me something that has proven to be very true. She said that people with serious issues like I had should avoid people that they were very powerfully attracted to. She said that kind of visceral attraction generally led you to find people who appealed to your most wounded self. So I decided to follow her advice and ignore this gorgeous young thing," she said with a smirk.

  "So that's why you acted like you didn't know I existed?" Ryan asked.

  "Yep. But I heard you talking to one of the other trainers about going out with Shelly Sterns, and I knew you needed some advice. That woman had run through every lesbian in the city, and I knew you were headed for trouble if you started hanging out in her crowd. So I asked if you knew how to have safer sex and when you confessed your abject ignorance, I knew I had to instruct you."

  "But why did you…?"

  "Show you in person?" she asked with a wink.

  "Yeah."

  "Well, I am only human, Ryan," she laughed. "I decided to listen to my sponsor and not fall in love with you, but you were so willing, and beautiful and ripe…just like a luscious peach waiting to be picked." She shook her head a little as she shot Jamie an embarrassed glance and said, "Sorry, I got carried away."

  "It's okay," she said easily. "It happens to me on a daily basis."

  "Anyway," Ally continued, "I let my lust get the better of me, and I showed this innocent young thing how to have a very good time without putting herself at risk. Ooh, she was such a good student that I had to fight valiantly not to fall in love with her." She turned to Ryan and said earnestly, "That's why I couldn't see you very often, Ryan, and why I didn't let you get to know me very well. I knew I was risking my sobriety every time we were together, but I just couldn't stop!"

  "I thought you just didn't want to see me that often," Ryan said softly.

  "No, far from it," Ally insisted. "It was only this past year that I came to terms with the fact that I had begun to use sex just like I had used alcohol and drugs. That's why I decided to stop sleeping with you, Ryan. I knew we shouldn't be together, but I also knew that I wouldn't look for another woman if I knew I could have you whenever I needed you, so I decided to go cold turkey."

  "Was that hard for you?" Jamie asked sympathetically, wondering how one could voluntarily stop seeing someone as wonderful as her partner.

  "It was nearly as hard as when I stopped drinking," she acknowledged softly. "But it really has been for the best for both of us. I can see how happy Ryan is with you, Jamie. And I think I have a chance to build a relationship with Ellen. I think it's worked out for the best."

  "It certainly has for me," Jamie said as she gave her partner a squeeze.

  Ryan was still shaking her head as she commented, "I just never knew you felt like that about me. I wish I had known," she said sadly.

  "That would not have been a go
od idea, Ryan. I knew that you were interested in me, and I couldn't have stood my ground if you had tried to convince me to get closer. I just couldn't risk it. You're not an addict, Ryan. You don't know how powerful the pull is."

  "Do you really think I appealed to your most broken self?" Ryan asked, a confused and slightly hurt look on her face.

  Ally blushed again. Jamie took her cue from the look on her face and said, "I'm going to get dessert ready." When Ryan started to stand, she pushed her down easily by just resting a hand on her shoulder. "You two stay and chat. I'll be back in a few."

  Ally smiled at her departing form and said, "She's special."

  "I know that," Ryan agreed. "I thank God every day for bringing her into my life."

  Ally looked at her for a minute and said, "This is a little hard to explain, Ryan. You were not bad for me, in general. The real problem is that I'm trying hard to give up my need to control my partner in bed. I don't know if I could have done that with you," she said softly as she stared at the floor. "Our personalities just fit together too well."

  Ryan pursed her lips and furrowed her brow, trying to understand Ally's statement. The larger woman came over to sit next to Ryan on the sofa, then lifted her hand and brushed her thumb down Ryan's pink cheek as she said, "I've told you that I was sexually abused by my brother." Ryan nodded slowly as Ally continued. "He was a few years older, and he overpowered me--not so much by force as by his presence and his personality. I found myself acting that out with you almost immediately. And there was a very big part of me that was afraid those urges would get worse over time. I've been fighting the need to physically dominate women, and I don't know if I could have fought it with you. There's something about you that just makes me want to own you," she said softly as she bent down to place a very tender kiss on Ryan's lips. "You're just too tempting, my little peach."