Whispering Waves

by Jamie Berris

  After hanging out on the beach all day and grilling burgers for dinner, the families had skipped a fire on the beach and had ridden their bikes into town for ice cream instead. By the time they had gotten back, it was late and everyone went their own ways, tired from the first day’s excitement.

  The campground was void of teenage life, so they decided to head down to the beach and walk the pier. That too was quiet, so they walked the channel and back roads into town.

  As they were walking, Sadie kept getting a whiff of Travis’s cologne. It smelled good, different from Dylan’s. She was so used to the comforting smell of Dylan, his voice, laugh, his walk, and the way her hand felt in his. She wondered what Travis’s hand felt like. She couldn’t remember the last time she had hung around another guy besides Dylan and his friends. It felt good to have a real guy friend of her choosing.

  Sadie wondered if Dylan would be mad if he knew she had snuck out with Travis and Cody. Of course he would, she thought. Just as she would be pissed if she knew he had snuck out with two girls. She told herself this was entirely different, completely harmless. Travis was like a brother, she had known him forever, and Dylan would never know anyway. He had nothing to worry about.

  She kind of wished Myla and Kyla were with her after all. They would all have a lot of fun together. Cody was really sweet and funny. He and Myla would make a cute couple.

  After walking the quiet streets of Pentwater for the better part of an hour, they decided to call it a night. Travis and Cody walked Sadie to her cottage and made sure she got in before they snuck back in next door.

  Back in bed, Sadie was wide awake. She couldn’t stop thinking about Travis. When they were walking, his arm brushed hers a couple of times, and she felt that same ripple of excitement flutter through her as it had when she and Dylan first started dating.

  There was something about the way Travis looked at her too. He really looked, took her in. Sadie had caught him peeking at her several times throughout the day when he thought she wouldn’t notice. She did, and it had gotten her thinking about him way more than she ought to be.

  As if on cue, Travis sent her a text. A Bitmoji actually. Travis rode a leaping sheep under the stars with the words Sleep Tight.

  Sadie sent her own Bitmoji back to Travis. She chose the one of herself sleeping on a half moon.

  Dear Sadie,

  The summer after Dad and I got married, we spent a week in a tent, camping in Pentwater. The record heat had us sweltering every night. Well, except for the night we had a terrible thunderstorm and the tent leaked like crazy. Anyway, Dad and I carved our names into the wood on the lookout halfway up the Old Baldy foot trail.

  I don’t know why I never pointed it out to you. I guess I didn’t want you to think it was okay to vandalize and carve your name into things. It’s in the corner facing west, so next time you go, check it out.

  The night we carved it, we sat up there and watched the sun set with a pitcher of margaritas that we hauled up all those steps. It is still one of the best memories I have with Dad. It’s a simple memory—that’s why it’s so special. We were so in love and so content just watching the sun set and being with each other.

  As my life comes to an end, it’s those simple memories that fill my head, Sadie. It’s not about fancy jewelry Dad bought me, or whether our house was bigger than the neighbors’, or even if my kids were the smartest in their class, or the star players on their sports teams. It’s about love and the margarita moments—private moments shared by you and your loved ones that no one knows about or can try and compete with.

  So someday when you’re married, make a pitcher of margaritas, carve your names (and encircle them in a corny heart the way we did) next to Dad’s and mine on the Pentwater lookout, and watch the sunset.

  I love you, Sadie,

  Mom

  Chapter 18

  Sadie

  Sadie’s voice was still groggy as she answered her cell. She couldn’t remember the last time she slept in this late. The clock on the nightstand read 10:08 a.m. Usually Nicholas had her up by 7:30. Even on weekends when their dad was home, Nicholas ran to Sadie’s room first.

  “Were you sleeping?” asked Dylan.

  “Yeah, I can’t believe Nicholas didn’t wake me up.” Sadie crawled out of bed and looked out the window facing the beach. Sure enough, Nicholas was splashing in the water, and Kurt was lounging in a beach chair with his coffee and the paper. Jayna was still zonked in the upper bunk, so Sadie snuck out of the room and down to the front porch.

  “Were you up late or something?” Dylan asked, and Sadie’s heart raced.

  “Not really, I guess it’s just the fresh air and everything.”

  “Fresh air?” Dylan chuckled. “You sound like my grandma. Sadie . . . I miss you.”

  “I miss you too.”

  “So when can I come see you? Remember, in a few short weeks, I’m moving on campus.”

  Sadie wanted Dylan to come visit, she really did, and the thought of him moving to the dorms made her stomach sick. So why was she dreading this question? She shifted in the Adirondack chair and crossed her legs. “Why don’t you wait a couple of days for us to get settled in? I want you to really feel what it’s like to miss me.”

  “Believe me. I miss you.” Dylan’s voice was seductive and made Sadie wonder if he just wanted to visit her so they could sneak off. “I love being at the beach with you—you’re different when you’re there, more carefree. It’s like you let go and have fun.”

  She was more carefree at the beach. She felt a sense of peace whenever she was there. She pictured the two of them bobbing in the water, holding each other close, flirting, and even playing paddle ball together. She did miss Dylan—they did have fun together. “How about tomorrow?”

  Sadie grabbed a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and went back out to the Adirondack chair on the porch and watched the boats enter and exit the channel. People began to claim their spots on the beach.

  As the towels were stretched out and the umbrellas were pushed into the sand, Sadie felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. She missed her mother so much at that moment.

  Lydia used to walk the beach at the crack of dawn every morning with Andrea, Travis’s mom. By the time they got back, their husbands would be having coffee on the porch, and the four of them would drink coffee and make the most amazing breakfasts.

  Most mornings, after all the kids were up, they would gather on their porch for the works: egg casseroles, frittatas, bacon, sausage, croissants, donuts, fresh fruit, and fresh squeezed orange juice, compliments of Benton, Travis’s dad.

  Sitting here on this empty porch with a bowl of Cheerios sucks, thought Sadie. Everything was different without Mom around. She set the bowl down and looked next door to see Andrea wave at her over her novel. Sadie waved back and hoped Andrea couldn’t tell she was on the verge of tears.

  Still in her pajamas, Sadie walked down to the beach. As she passed her dad, she mumbled she was going for a walk. She decided to head north, away from the public beach and people. How many times had her mother walked this very stretch of beach, she wondered? Did it ever cross her mind that someday her life would be cut short because she was going to be diagnosed with a fatal disease? The last summer they vacationed here, did Lydia have any inclination that it was her last time here? That, three months later, she would learn her fate?

  The sound of gentle waves crashing on the shore brought Sadie some peace, but there were times when sadness engulfed her. She said a prayer and asked God to please help ease her pain. She didn’t know what else to ask for. She walked until the sun felt hot and intense and turned around.

  Tired, she sat down in the thick sand that was already hot from the sun. She could feel her shoulders burning—all she had on was a thin sleeping tank and shorts. As she sat quietly, looking over the water, she felt a presence wash over her so powerfully it almost brought tears to her eyes again.

  Whether it was God’s presence or her mother’s, she did
n’t care; she felt it. She felt strong. She felt her mother’s love. She felt the love she had for her family and Dylan. She may not have had her mother, but she had a lot to be thankful for.

  With each step towards the cottage, Sadie felt better. She couldn’t help but wonder if her mother’s spirit lingered here. She was certain her mother was in heaven, but she wasn’t so sure about where else her mother was. Could she be present in the breeze that made the dune grass dance? Was it possible for her to be riding the crest of the waves? As the cottage came into view, she could see everyone out on the beach. When her foot hit the first step, she was greeted by the cooing sound of a mourning dove perched on the roof. The sound soothed her. She remembered her mom always loving the sound of the bird, and she felt like it was some sort of a sign that her mother was with them in Pentwater.

  Sadie saw from the large clock hanging on the porch wall that it was nearly one o’clock. She had been gone for over two hours. Her dad was probably freaking out. Sadie went straight inside and changed into her suit and sunglasses. When she came out, she was surprised to see Andrea waiting on the porch for her.

  Andrea wrapped her arms around Sadie and held her. Sadie hadn’t felt this kind of motherly hug in so long. Even though it was comforting, it was also a bit awkward.

  Andrea pulled back and held Sadie by her shoulders. “How about going for a walk with me tomorrow morning?”

  Sadie nodded in agreement.

  Sadie kept to herself most of the day and read magazines as she flipped from her stomach to her back, soaking up the scorching August sun. Nicholas was busy driving trucks through the sand with some other kids on the beach, while Jayna had reunited with Liz, a girl her age who visited her grandparents every summer a few cottages down.

  Kurt and Benton were sitting under an umbrella, having a beer and talking politics while Andrea lay in the sun next to Sadie, reading a novel. Sadie was glad to have Andrea next to her physically, but she wasn’t interested in much conversation.

  Travis and Cody had been on their boogie boards most of the day, and even though they had made a little small talk, Sadie wasn’t in the mood to hang out with them. It wasn’t personal; she just wanted to chill and get over her mood.

  She wondered if Andrea told him to back off, because normally he would be egging her on to try boogie boarding or throw a football around. Travis could always bring out Sadie’s masculine and playful side.

  When it came to playing sports at school, Sadie was all about tennis, a rather girly sport, Sadie realized. But here, with Travis, she was always throwing a football or Frisbee around. Travis had sent her another Bitmoji while she was on her walk. In this Bitmoji, he was riding a Popsicle like a surfboard, the words STAY COOL above him.

  Sadie’s Bitmoji reply was herself sporting the word COOL across her face, her eyes peering through the two O’s.

  As Sadie sprayed on another layer of sunscreen oil, her phone chirped with a text message from Paige, Marissa’s daughter. Sadie had finally broke down at tennis camp this summer and mentioned to Paige what was going on with their parents. Paige was clueless, which really didn’t surprise Sadie.

  From time to time the girls would text; mainly Sadie would text Paige to see if Marissa was at home when Kurt had said he was meeting with clients for dinner.

  Sadie couldn’t figure out Paige’s true feelings about their parents’ relationship. She acted annoyed by it, but yet Sadie knew Paige wasn’t nearly as miffed as Sadie was. She had to hold her tongue too. She wasn’t about to bad-mouth Marissa to her own daughter, even if Marissa had done something evil to her mom.

  Paige had confronted Marissa, and Marissa told Paige that they had casually dated a few times—that they were enjoying each other’s company and weren’t making a big fuss about it.

  When Sadie read that text from Paige, she was ready to throw her phone—she was making a fuss!

  Paige, by Sadie’s request, even spied on their parents together once at a restaurant and once playing golf together. Luckily, Paige had never followed them to any sleazy motel rooms, thus far.

  As Sadie read the text from Paige, she felt herself break into a sweat. Paige reported to Sadie that she snuck a look at Marissa’s phone earlier and read several text messages between her and Kurt. It looked as if Kurt was either going to meet up with Marissa for an afternoon somewhere or Marissa was going to visit them at Pentwater for a day.

  Sadie was fuming. How dare she! She hadn’t even come over to their house since Sadie’s birthday party last spring. Why would she think intruding in on their vacation would be appropriate? Especially a place so sacred to Lydia!

  Sadie looked over at the man sitting ten feet from her. She was disgusted with her father and wanted nothing more than to rub sand in his face. Here he was laughing without a care in the world and at the same time plotting some secret rendezvous or, worse yet, Marissa crashing their family vacation.

  Kurt had said that Lydia forgave Marissa for whatever she had done to her, but Sadie was positive Kurt was exaggerating. Knowing her mom, she probably did tell Marissa she forgave her because she was dying and that was the kind of person she was. Sadie didn’t buy the tale entirely.

  If they became so close again at the end, then why didn’t Marissa come around more often and why didn’t Lydia mention it? Sadie didn’t buy her dad’s story that her mom wanted to keep it mum to focus on her family. He was doing some serious sugar coating. She was sure of it.

  Andrea must have sensed Sadie’s anger. She closed her book and turned to Sadie. “Anytime you need to talk about anything, Sadie, you can trust me. I’m a good listener, and I won’t give you a bunch of nonsensical parental advice. You can get anything off your chest with me . . . okay?”

  “Thanks, Andrea . . . maybe sometime . . . I don’t feel much like talking today. I hope you don’t think I’ve been being rude; it’s just that . . .”

  Andrea put her hand on Sadie’s arm. “You don’t need to apologize or make excuses, Sadie. I get it. I really do.”

  Sadie looked at her with questioning eyes.

  “My mom died when I was nineteen. I was away at college, my freshman year. I went through it too. No, I wasn’t as young as you, and I didn’t have to take care of a younger sister and brother, but I understand what it’s like to lose someone you love and need so much.”

  “I’m sorry. I never knew.”

  “It was twenty-four years ago. She’s been gone more than half my life now—not a day goes by that I don’t think about her.”

  Sadie looked down. That really wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She wanted Andrea to tell her it was going to get easier, that she would move past it and pretty soon it wouldn’t be a big deal. Sadie was hoping that, by the time she was in college, she would be old enough to handle it better.

  “But in a good way, Sadie, not in a sobbing, missing way. Little things I do remind me of her and it’s comforting to know she is a part of who I am. I have her bony wrists, I love to paint abstracts the way she used to, and I’m a diehard Tigers fan like her. My mom walked every morning and I do the same. She drank her coffee lukewarm and so do I. Her right toenail always split down the middle and so does mine, and our smiles were identical. I’ve been told by my grandmother that our laughs sound the same.”

  Andrea took a deep breath and continued. “I love looking at pictures of my mom and reminiscing about making cakes and pies together. She was this skinny little thing, who was constantly baking in the kitchen. She had her own little business, “Kate’s Cakes,” and she pumped out towering wedding cakes right from our own kitchen. She had me baking alongside her by the time I was eight. And she was a talker—the woman loved to talk to everyone. She had more friends than I could keep track of.”

  “Sometimes I think those things of my mom too, and I smile, but so often it just makes me miss her even more. And then there’s Jayna and Nicholas. I try to be so strong for them, but I think it just makes it harder. I get so frustrated sometimes.”

  Andr
ea nodded. “You have a lot on your plate, Sadie. I won’t argue. I was the youngest of three. My brothers were older than I was, and we were all spread across the U.S. at different colleges when my mom passed. But I didn’t face my mom’s death for a long time. I buried myself in books, boys, and booze.” Sadie and Andrea both laughed. “It made it worse. I dealt with my mom’s death in all the wrong ways throughout my college career. I was twenty-five when I saw my first counselor, and I did more healing in that first month with her than I had in the six years since I lost my mom.”

  “So what’s the secret?” asked Sadie.

  “I wish there were one, honey. The best advice I learned is to talk about her, keep her memory alive. Allow her to stay a part of your life. I also learned getting angry doesn’t solve anything. It won’t bring her back.

  “My counselor told me on the first session that I couldn’t control the circumstances, but I could control how I chose to react to them. She also told me that it took a lot of practice every day.

  “I kept asking why my mother had to die. The counselor looked me in the eye and asked ‘Why not?’ I wanted to slap her, but she was right. I had to accept the fact that my mom was never coming back and I had to move on. She taught me to realize I still had a full life ahead of me and I was the only one standing in my way of living it.”

  Andrea paused and bit her lip. “You’re young, Sadie, but I can honestly say you already have one up on me. I wasn’t nearly as mature at nineteen as you are now at sixteen. If it’s any consolation, with age comes understanding. I know that it might not help right here, right now, but getting things off your chest will.” Andrea laughed and pushed her sunglasses up her nose. “We’re women—what we do best is vent our frustrations.”

  Hadn’t Sadie said she wasn’t up for conversation? But wow, it was really easy with Andrea. She seemed so . . . on Sadie’s level. Andrea was also a neutral ear. Sure, Sadie talked about her mom with her dad, but not like this, and not often enough.