Whispering Waves

by Jamie Berris

  We decided to have date night for our sessions without Trisha. We got a laugh when Trisha reminded us that after the baby is born we aren’t going to get much alone time, so take what we can now, even if it’s a therapy date.

  January 5, 2010

  Kurt and I had our first therapy date night together last night. I’m so worn out from it that I dumped Jayna and Sadie off at school this morning (Thank God Christmas break is over) and plopped down on the couch in my robe with a vente half-caff vanilla latte from Starbucks drive-thru. I lost myself in a novel for the entire morning.

  We have a session with Trisha at 1:30 this afternoon, and Kurt is picking me up for lunch beforehand. I’m determined not to cry through this session! I’m determined to get as much counseling in as possible in the next six weeks or so before I deliver.

  There are so many questions I need to ask him. I wish I could do it alone, without a therapist, but I want Trisha to hear his response, so I can hash it out with her over and over and analyze it in our sessions apart from Kurt.

  That is one of the things I miss the most about Marissa—hashing out every little petty thing in our lives together. We could over analyze everything to bits until we were so sick of talking about it that, finally, whatever it was didn’t bother us anymore.

  At some point, I’d like to talk to Trisha about how to deal with Marissa when I see her at school. Do I smile or say hi? Do I look the other way? Do I just avoid her at all costs? People are starting to notice that we aren’t speaking anymore—we’ve always been inseparable. I see the glances and can’t actually hear the whispers, but I’m no fool. Women talk. Would anyone ever speculate anything such as this? I swear, if this secret ever got out, we would leave town.

  Sadie heard Nicholas’s playful scream from outside her window and saw the golf cart careening left then right. Her dad was driving crazy through the yard, dodging trees, weaving in and out. When he hit the cement, he peeled out, leaving black tire marks. Nicholas was in heaven—he loved golf cart rides. He used to fall asleep and take an entire nap, riding around the neighborhood.

  Looking at the clock, Sadie realized Travis was done with football practice. She needed a break from the diaries, so she called him. She didn’t mention to Travis what she was reading. She wanted to keep it to herself. She felt the weight of it all, but didn’t feel the need to unload it on anyone.

  Nicholas’s bedroom was in the front of the house, overlooking the driveway. Later, when Sadie walked in to put away a pile of clean clothes, she noticed her dad walking Marissa to her car. Watching them kiss and hug was still weird.

  The dormer window in Nicholas’s room was open, so Sadie heard her dad tell Marissa he loved her. It both saddened her that he had moved on and relieved her that he had. She heard a mourning dove wind up and sing its cooing song. Sadie sang along with the bird, “You’ll be okay, kay, kay . . .”

  She felt her heart softening towards Marissa as the weeks went by, but it was still so strange seeing the two of them together. When would it feel normal? Would it ever?

  Nicholas came bounding up the steps, screaming Sadie’s name, telling her all about the movie, the popcorn, the blue slushy, the box of Nerds Marissa bought him, and the crazy golf cart ride.

  Nicholas was so happy after spending time with Marissa, especially since time with her meant more time with Dad. Nicholas didn’t ask to look through the photo albums of Mom all that much anymore. He didn’t watch the videos as often.

  With Marissa in their lives, he wasn’t as clingy to Sadie. He hadn’t come in her room in the middle of the night, crying. It used to be every other night. He had slowly stopped being Sadie’s shadow around the house and had started playing more independently. Maybe it was school? More likely it was Marissa.

  Sadie took the time and sat down on his floor and asked him questions about the movie; she gave him her full attention. He was talking a mile a minute, his mouth and lips still blue from the slushy, his shirt and hair smelling faintly of popcorn, butter, and Marissa’s perfume.

  After the full report, Sadie filled the bath with extra bubbles and pretended to be the bathtub monster. She scooped handfuls of bubbles out and chased him around his room, putting them in his hair and on his nose.

  Nicholas was laughing that deep belly laugh that Sadie loved. She cornered him and tickled him until he fell to the floor with laughter. Once she finally got him in the tub, they gave each other beards with the bubbles and shaved them off with fake plastic razors.

  When she tucked him in bed, she lay with him until he fell asleep, then went and changed into her own pajamas and snuck back into his bed for the night. She missed him kicking her all night long, hogging the bed by lying sideways and taking all the covers.

  Chapter 54

  Kurt

  Kurt held the video camera, and Marissa snapped a variety of pictures. Minutes later, the pictures were uploaded onto Instagram and Facebook.

  Sadie looked beautiful in her pink dress. She looked grown up. She looked like her mother. Or maybe she moved like her mother. He wished she could be here.

  Kurt and Sadie made eye contact, and he felt Sadie knew exactly what was going through his mind. Sadie winked at him. Lydia had always winked at her husband.

  Kurt was far more comfortable sending Sadie off to the dance with Travis than Dylan. The group of eight, including Paige and Cody as well as Myla and Jacob and Kyla and Cameron, posed for the camera and then piled into a gigantic Hummer limo to go pick up another six friends.

  “When I went to these dances, I spent the entire day washing and waxing my Mustang. We didn’t know of such luxury,” said Kurt as they pulled away.

  “At least we don’t have to worry about them drinking and driving,” added Marissa, kissing Kurt.

  “No, but those kids can get into plenty of trouble in that thing.”

  Marissa swatted Kurt. “Stop worrying. Let’s go. Our reservations are in half an hour.”

  Chapter 55

  Sadie

  Thanksgiving break meant a five-day weekend. Sadie’s school was off from Wednesday thru Sunday, but Travis wasn’t off until Thursday, so Wednesday was going to be a girls’ day. Paige had spent the night, and they slept late and were loafing on the couch with Jayna, Chrissie, and Nicholas watching Polar Express (Nicholas’s pick). He was definitely getting a jump on the holidays. He voted to watch A Christmas Carol next.

  Marissa was coming over shortly, as well as Myla and Kyla, and they were going to spend the afternoon baking pumpkin and apple pies, preparing the stuffing, peeling the potatoes, and making homemade bread.

  The first thing Marissa made was a batch of pumpkin cookies to be eaten as they baked. For some reason, it made Sadie think of her mom’s brownies. She hadn’t eaten a brownie in a year and a half.

  Before she knew it, she was grabbing the ingredients. She had watched her mom make them so often that she hadn’t any need for a recipe; although she knew her mom had written it down and taped it inside the door of the spice cupboard.

  Marissa said they tasted like heaven when she bit into the gooey brownie. Sadie loved it when Marissa said, “Lydia is probably eating one with us right now.” Tears pricked their eyes as they gripped each other in hugs. It was a really cool moment.

  Myla showed up with black aprons for everyone, each personalized on the front with white embroidered letters. Myla’s mom had her own little sewing company she ran from home. She hemmed, stitched, embroidered, and could create anything from a simple scarf, to an elegant gown, to a baby blanket.

  The black aprons were soon white, covered in flour. The house smelled amazing and sounded full and happy with a kitchen of women; even Jayna and Chrissie were helping, more eating than baking, but trying, nonetheless. Nicholas was bouncing off the walls from sugar, and Marissa kept handing him spoonfuls of brownie batter, cookie dough, and mugs of hot chocolate piled with whipped cream. He was so in love with her.

  Thanksgiving dinner included Marissa and Paige, Andrea, Benton, Travis
, and his sister Bella, and of course, the sly mouth of Jayna, and entertainment provided by Nicholas. It was the first Thanksgiving that they didn’t spend with grandparents, cousins, Aunt Stacy, or even Aunt Nevie and Aunt Josie. Very non-traditional, but Sadie was okay with it.

  Marissa had spent the night for the first time so she could put the turkey in the oven first thing in the morning. She had personally asked permission from Sadie. Marissa hugged Sadie, which she had started doing a lot now. Sadie found it comforting.

  The Lions won the game, crushing the Bears with a score of 34-17, so the house sounded like fifty people were inside, hooting and hollering. Everyone was full and content. Sadie was truly thankful.

  The rest of the weekend was low key and relaxing. Even though Sadie had finished several of her mother’s diaries over the past few months, she went back and reread the one around Nicholas’s birth over the span of the weekend.

  January 28, 2010

  Approximately three weeks until I hold this baby in my arms. Some days the anxiety is overwhelming; other days I am so at peace with it that I forget the circumstances of it all.

  I had a horrible dream last night. We were in the birthing room, and when the doctor handed Kurt the scissors to cut the cord, he stabbed me in the throat with them! Luckily, my eyes popped open and that was the end of the dream. I swallowed hard, rolled over, and watched him sleep peacefully for the next hour.

  Our counseling sessions are going well. I think it’s really helping us both to get everything off our chests. Kurt admitted that this baby isn’t being born under ideal conditions, but that he would love the child as if it were his own blood.

  Sadie skimmed over an entry talking about her parents’ sex life, ew. She quickly scanned over Lydia’s words about how awkward it was having sex with her husband while being pregnant with someone else’s child. Her mom stressed that not having sex would be worse because it would put a divider between the two of them, but she felt such shame whenever they were intimate.

  Lydia felt she wanted to initiate, but feared she would repulse Kurt and get turned down. Kurt felt he wanted to remain intimate with his wife, but never knew how to read her, whether it was the right time.

  Sadie felt guilty reading it, but as weird as it was, she was curious, and she had thought about it a lot since she first read it weeks ago.

  Anyway, through a nudge per their counselor, she urged them to stay as intimate as possible. She had suggested many ways other than just sex to remain close through the pregnancy. It sounded as if they took a lot of baths together and gave each other a lot of massages. Luckily, Lydia didn’t go into great detail. Ew again.

  February 2, 2010

  Today in our session I asked Kurt how he responded when people came up to him and asked about me and the baby. Does he say we are all great? We are so excited? We tried and tried? Or does he say it was an “oops” baby? I mean I wonder what goes through his head.

  At first, he seemed taken aback at my question. I couldn’t tell if he was upset or relieved that he was about to get something off his chest. His answer was simple.

  “I tell people it was definitely a surprise. I also say that I would never regret having another child.”

  We left it at that.

  February 5, 2010

  I saw Marissa today. I was walking out of the post office, and we met face to face on the stairs. I was going down and she was coming up. We looked at each other, and I saw her eyes shift down to my protruding belly.

  I had been so hot in the car that I took my coat off. I only had a fitted cotton maternity shirt on with a scarf around my neck, showing my belly off in its enormity.

  I managed a smile, but couldn’t even get the word “hey” out. I just about tripped on the steps. As quickly as Marissa looked at my face, and then at my belly, she looked past me as if I weren’t even there.

  It would have hurt less if she had spat obscenities in my face. I almost wish she had.

  In the car, I cried all the way home and have been a wreck all evening. I confided to Kurt that I feel like I need to be punished. I want to be punished. I want to show both of them that I take the blame and that I’m sorry.

  Kurt said being punished was ridiculous. I can’t help but wonder if he wants me to feel this remorseful.

  February 8, 2010

  The doctor said I was dilated three centimeters today. She also said this baby will come a lot quicker than Sadie and Jayna had.

  Kurt called and asked me to meet him for lunch today. The first words out of his mouth were, “Nicole if it’s a girl and Nicholas if it’s a boy.” I had suggested Ginger or Gabe earlier, but that all went out the window when I saw his face. He was excited!

  I said one word: “perfect!”

  He said that was good, because he already bought the wooden letters to be painted and hung in the nursery. I asked what we will do with the remaining h-a-s if it’s a little Nicole, since you can’t take painted letters back. His response was her middle name could be Ash. “Hmm” was all I could say to that!

  February 14, 2010

  I thought for sure I would run into Marissa at school today for the Valentine’s parties, but I escaped. I arrived early to help set up Jayna’s classroom, and I stayed late to help tear down in Sadie’s room. Luckily, there were no hallway run-ins.

  Pregnant women get so much attention. Everyone is always asking how you’re feeling, how you’re sleeping, and whether you’re swollen or not. Not to mention, everyone decides to tell you one of their own pregnancy/birth stories. I swear I don’t do this. Or if I have, I won’t ever again!

  Anyway, I can’t deny the slight anxiousness that has settled into my stomach that will no doubt stay there until I deliver. Even though Kurt and I are doing fairly well inside counseling and out, I wouldn’t be human if I weren’t slightly panicked.

  Funny, the night he came home with Chinese, I thought our marriage was going to survive. Now I know there are so many different levels to base a marriage on. Living in the same household does not constitute a marriage. Having sex doesn’t constitute a marriage, nor does eating meals together, or discussing the children or finances. Those things are small parts; there is so much more. It’s a feeling, a deeper bond of respect and trust, a true selfless love.

  I broke the trust and have to earn that back. In my eyes, infidelity is one of the most selfish acts a person can ever commit. It’s about so many other people than the two involved. It affects other spouses, children, usually friends, sometimes co-workers—the list can go on and on.

  Realizing what I have done and the mess I have created kills me, but I know how much worse the damage could have been if Kurt weren’t so level-headed and willing to love me fully in the biggest fault of my life. I’d say I dodged a bullet headed straight for my heart.

  Actually, I need to be thankful that Marissa has chosen to hate me in silence. Losing her as my best friend has been torture, but she could have chosen to make my life really, really miserable. She could have let the painful, embarrassing truth fly, she could make a scene when we run into each other, and she could easily turn the women at the tennis club away from me. The other mothers at school would despise me if they knew the truth, and so would the faculty. The whispers and stares would follow me like the plague. I hate to think about how my girls would be affected.

  The months and years to come won’t be without challenges, but I count my lucky stars.

  February 19, 2010

  Trisha started off today prompting Kurt. “Kurt has something he wants to say to you, Lydia,” she said, crossing her legs, grinning at me.

  “I forgive you, Lydia,” Kurt said. “I think there has been a part of me that has been really angry . . . okay, pissed. It’s done. I’ve let it all go. I love you. I love this baby. I forgive you. Will you forgive yourself? For me? For us? For the baby?”

  I cried as we hugged, no surprise there, but Kurt cried too. I’ve only seen Kurt cry one other time, when his grandfather passed away.

&n
bsp; My contractions started after that, as if on cue, and got stronger throughout the day. I really hope I make it through the night. I do not want to go into the hospital at 3:00 a.m.

  Sadie and Jayna were keeping track of my contractions after school until they went to bed. They asked if they could skip school and go to the hospital with us, but I told them they would have to wait until after the baby was born.

  I already know this is the last night I will go to bed with this baby inside me. Our household will forever be changed. I pray to God that he takes good care of us all. Contractions are about twenty minutes apart.

  Kurt is outside, plowing the driveway after four inches of fresh snow fell today. We are all preparing! I’m (hopefully) going to get my last night of restful sleep before being a slave to the demands of hungry cries and wet diapers.

  Chapter 56

  Sadie

  Marissa and Paige were now at the Booker household more often than not. Sometimes they would go to Marissa’s for dinner, but Marissa spent a lot of time in “Sadie’s” kitchen. Sadie couldn’t complain, since Marissa was always cooking meals, leaving leftovers, and getting everyone involved in the clean-up so the burden didn’t always fall on Sadie.

  Once, Sadie came home from a night at the movies with Travis to find all the laundry caught up. Marissa had explained that Nicholas had picked out two horrible movies, giving her an excuse to get off the couch and switch up loads and fold.

  Marissa seemed to be careful about overstepping her boundaries; she was always consulting Sadie and asking her if it was okay if she did this or that. The relationship wasn’t without flaws, and Sadie had her moments, but it had come a really long way. Most of all, Sadie felt respected by Marissa, and she was trying hard to respect her as well.

  Marissa had urged Sadie and Jayna to get out every single box of Christmas decorations, and with her help, they managed to create a festive Christmas atmosphere, similar to the one Lydia had created year after year.