Whispering Waves

by Jamie Berris

  On the bright side, with Marissa around, Sadie had been able to be more of a teenager. She still did most of the laundry and cleaning, but since Marissa would come over a couple of times a week and make dinner, she not only stocked the fridge with extra meals, she would tidy up and run the vacuum or empty the dishwasher. The nights she was over, Nicholas usually clung to her and Kurt, so Sadie felt more like a sister and less like a mother.

  Sadie didn’t feel guilty spending time with her friends and Travis, knowing Nicholas was getting so much attention from Marissa. It had become customary for Nicholas to ask their dad every morning at breakfast if Marissa was coming over that evening.

  So far, Marissa had not spent the night again since the night before Thanksgiving. Thank God they also escaped a marriage proposal at Christmas. Sadie had been nervous. She had hoped her dad would bring it up beforehand if he was thinking of popping the question, but she was still on pins and needles Christmas Day, wondering if he was going to get down on one knee.

  The holidays came and went fast. Each one they celebrated without their mother got both easier and more difficult, if that were possible. It was easier in a sense that they were getting used to it. It was harder because the traditions and special touches that she put into every holiday were things of the past, nothing but memories, and for Nicholas, the memories faded, only upheld through videos and pictures.

  Every once in a while, Sadie and Jayna would make their mother’s famous brownies and watch the home movies. They both read Lydia’s diaries. They often snuck down to the basement and dug through the bins, hiding a few diaries in their rooms as they read them, and then snuck back down to put them in their respective bins. They suspected their dad knew they read them, but he hadn’t said anything and they didn’t talk to him about it.

  Sometimes they read their mother’s diaries together, and other times they weren’t even reading from the same year. Sadie and Jayna had grown closer over the past several months. A shared love for reading and discussing the diaries together helped, but also, Jayna had done a lot of growing up.

  Sadie and Jayna shared many laughs and tears as they relived many of their childhood stories, achievements, and milestones in their mother’s handwriting.

  After Sadie finished reading the diaries of 2009 and 2010 that covered Lydia’s pregnancy and the birth of Nicholas, she hid the box on the top shelf, way in the back of the storage room. She knew her dad had shuffled around through it, which made Sadie glad, because after reading through those months, she wanted to tell her dad herself what she was reading. They never discussed it, but Sadie thought those diaries were very healing for both of them.

  ~*~

  Early spring arrived, and Sadie was packing up her bag after tennis practice. Paige was supposed to give her a ride home because Kurt was getting the tires rotated and the oil changed on her Infiniti, but Paige wasn’t anywhere in sight. She hadn’t shown up for practice.

  Just as Sadie was about to text Paige, she heard Marissa yell her name. Marissa explained that Paige had gone home sick during last period and had left school in such a hurry she had forgotten her cell in her locker, so she couldn’t text Sadie to let her know where she was.

  After Sadie helped Marissa break into Paige’s locker and retrieve her cell, Marissa suggested they stop by Party Central and stock up on some items for Sadie’s 17th birthday party. Sadie had a flashback of her sweet sixteen party last year when Marissa showed up to help her dad chaperone.

  Sadie thought of two things. One, where had the year gone? She was turning seventeen in two days! Two, her dad and Marissa had basically been seeing each other for a year! Sadie was more excited about this year’s garage party than she was for her sixteenth. She wasn’t as sad and broken, and she had Travis, who made her feel real and confident and loved. Last year seemed like a world away.

  On their way home, Marissa pulled into the small quaint French diner with killer food. She suggested they have a quiet dinner together to celebrate Sadie’s birthday. Marissa quickly called Kurt and told him what they were up to as she gathered her purse and shot out of the car into the cool spring air.

  Sadie and Marissa found a small table by the window. The signs of spring were blooming. The pear and crab trees were full of beautiful white and dark pink flowers, and green buds swayed in the wind on the maple trees.

  As soon as the waiter took their order, Marissa began speaking. “I know it’s been months since you found out what happened between your mom and Marcus, and we’ve kind of swept it under the rug and moved on, but I want you to know that I don’t blame Lydia for what happened, Sadie.

  “Marcus was slime. He had been cheating on me for a long time. He took advantage of your mother. Between the alcohol and her medication, she had no idea what she had done. I believe that with all my heart.”

  Sadie knew all of this, but hearing Marissa speak it, like she truly believed it, was comforting.

  “In fact, I never really blamed her from the beginning. I was devastated that my marriage was over, I was devastated that I had lost my best friend, and I was really angry that Lydia was having a baby when I had so desperately wanted another one and Marcus refused.”

  Sadie watched Marissa as a tear rolled down her cheek.

  “I missed your mother every single day, but how do you keep a friendship under those circumstances? Where do you begin, you know?”

  “She was pregnant with your husband’s child. I can’t imagine,” said Sadie, appalled at what came out of her mouth.

  “I knew your mother inside and out, Sadie. There was no way, in her right mind, she ever would have been capable of such an act, but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her that, forgive her, and move on.”

  Marissa looked out the window, wiping a tear away. Sadie was beginning to understand how difficult the situation was for Marissa.

  “It was easiest for me to completely remove her from my life. Those were the loneliest years. I would see her and Nicholas or bump into all of you as a family, and I wanted to be a part of your lives again, but I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t,” she repeated. “It hurt too badly. I was angry and jealous.”

  Sadie remembered digging through Lydia’s diary until she finally discovered how Marissa found out about what happened on the boat. Marissa had no idea that Sadie knew. Lydia had agreed to a day at the beach. She agreed to tennis matches, lunches, pedicures, and play dates for almost two weeks before Kurt finally forced her to fess up or risk Marissa hearing it from Marcus.

  Lydia had finally gone to Marissa’s house just before midnight. She pulled Marissa out on the front porch under a warm, starry summer night and told her she was pregnant. At first, Marissa congratulated Lydia and hugged her.

  Lydia pulled away from Marissa and stood up from the wicker couch. She was immediately crying. She told Marissa it wasn’t Kurt’s baby. She told her she had no recollection of the sexual encounter because she was very drunk and medicated. Finally, she confessed that it had happened on Marcus’s boat.

  Marissa hadn’t even screamed at Lydia. She had thrown her hands over her mouth and stared at Lydia in horror as Lydia scrambled for words, excuses, pleading, anything. Marissa had finally told Lydia to just go, go and don’t ever come back, and never speak to her again.

  Sadie looked into Marissa’s eyes. “So how can you be so”—Sadie searched for the right word— “so tolerant of Nicholas now? I mean which came first? Your feelings for Nicholas or feelings for my dad?”

  “Nicholas.” Marissa didn’t hesitate one bit. “The day I found out about your mom’s cancer, I called her. We cried on the phone for hours. We apologized, we forgave, and we tried to forget as best as we could. I went to your house the next day and hung out with her and Nicholas from the moment you girls were at school until she had to pick you up.

  “I fell in love with Nicholas instantly. We made up for a ton of lost time while your mom was sick. We hung out almost daily while you girls were at school. I held your mom’s hair back a
fter chemo so your dad could have a break and go to work. I played with Nicholas while your mom took naps. I ran to the store for her and helped make meals.

  “It was good for both of us. I guess you could say it humbled us; we both had to swallow our pride. For me, I needed to show her that I loved her, that I knew she wasn’t at fault. For Lydia, it took everything in her to accept my help and forgive herself.

  “As for your father, that truly only came about a year ago. I would call and check up on him. Sometimes we would meet for coffee. We would sit together at your tennis matches and talk. It slowly evolved.”

  Sadie and Marissa both wiped back tears. Thank goodness their food hadn’t been delivered yet.

  Marissa went on to tell Sadie that over the next several months she and Lydia had slowly reconciled their relationship. They had talked for hours until they worked through the hurt.

  “Your mom asked me to take care of him, Sadie. One morning when we were having coffee, she asked me if I would help Kurt after she passed. She asked if I would watch over all of you.”

  “I don’t get it. Then why did you two keep it a secret that you reconnected?”

  “The risk of anyone finding out that Marcus was Nicholas’s father was too great. You and Paige were older, and we didn’t want you two to start asking questions about what we fought over in the first place. Your mom and I enjoyed our alone time together mending our friendship while you kids were at school. I don’t know if it was necessarily the right thing to do, but we knew there wasn’t much time left.”

  Sadie understood. She only wished she had known this all along. She wouldn’t have accused Marissa the way she had. “Why did you take the blame? I mean for the past year or for however long you and Dad have been seeing each other, why didn’t you just blurt out that it wasn’t your fault? I had always thought you’d done something horrible to my mom.”

  Marissa’s lip trembled. “Your mother was an amazing woman. I didn’t want you to see her in any other way. If you hadn’t read her diary, I would still gladly be taking the blame.”

  Sadie lost it. How could she hate a woman like that? The tears came pouring out just as the waiter brought their food. The poor guy was caught off guard and had no idea how to react. He plopped the food down like it was going to bite him and asked if everything was okay as he was already backing away. Sadie and Marissa both shook their heads and he vanished.

  “As much as I could have dug a grave for Marcus, I couldn’t do that to Paige, either. He’s her father. She would have hated me if I told her the truth back then; she wouldn’t have accepted it. I think it’s still hard for her.”

  They both played with their food more than they ate, and the waiter never came to check on them until they had both set their forks down. He had the check in hand as he cleared their plates. They giggled as he walked away. “We’ve scared him!” said Sadie.

  “Someday, when you’re a parent, Sadie, you’ll understand. You will do anything to protect your children from harm.”

  Sadie thought of Nicholas, thought of how they would be protecting him from the truth about his real father for several years. “I think I’m already getting it.” She smiled.

  They left the French restaurant still hungry, so they decided to walk the streets of town with an ice cream cone. Sadie felt like she was reconnecting with Marissa, her second mother from childhood. Marissa confessed she never in her wildest dreams had ever pictured her and Kurt together.

  They rounded the corner and started walking toward the river when Sadie heard the familiar cooing of a mourning dove. She turned around, and sure enough the bird was sitting on the roof top behind her. “I think Mom would be okay with it.” Sadie had no idea if this was true, but it came out before she knew what she had said.

  Marissa joked, “I promised your mom I would look after Nicholas. I promised I would keep an eye on all of you, but I never imagined like this.”

  Chapter 57

  Sadie

  This year when Sadie walked downstairs on her birthday, it felt like years had gone by. Seventeen! She could hardly believe it herself. She woke up to a text message from Travis, wishing her happy birthday.

  The kitchen smelled amazing, scented heavily of cinnamon. Her dad had the paper in front of his face, but it was curled down at the top so he could watch something on the Today Show.

  “Are you seriously making cinnamon rolls?”

  “I’m seriously baking cinnamon rolls,” he answered with a wink. “Marissa dropped them off last night, but I did turn the oven on by myself and sprinkled some crumbled topping from a Ziploc bag on them.”

  Sadie peered at the gooey rolls through the oven window. They looked done. “How much longer?”

  Kurt looked surprised by Sadie’s question and looked at his watch. “Uh, I guess I forgot to set the timer.”

  Sadie laughed as she pulled on the oven mitts and warmed her face with the hot aroma rolling out of the oven. She pulled them out and wondered if her dad would have thought to check on the rolls or if they would have burnt to a crisp if Sadie hadn’t come downstairs.

  Her dad came up from behind Sadie. “They’re perfect, just like my little girl. Happy Birthday, sweetie.” He gave Sadie a kiss on the cheek and she hugged him. “I’m too young to have a seventeen-year-old!”

  Jayna and Nicholas must have smelled the rolls because they both came downstairs, asking what smelled so good. Jayna never got out of bed with ease before school. Usually, Sadie threatened to leave without her, and she scurried around the house getting her things together so she didn’t have to take the bus.

  Kurt walked out of the room and came back in with an enormous bouquet of balloons. “I picked those out,” cheered Nicholas.

  “Oh yeah, Happy Birthday, Sadie,” said Jayna through a yawn, already getting herself a plate.

  “Why don’t we put a candle in the cinnamon rolls and sing to your sister first,” suggested Kurt.

  Sadie flipped the cinnamon rolls onto a plate from the Bundt pan and they all admired the buttery goo before them. They lit the candles (a giant 17) and took a picture that Sadie sent in a text to Marissa, thanking her.

  Before leaving for school, Sadie sat on her window seat and opened a letter from her mom, reserved for her seventeenth birthday. Sadie had birthday letters to open until she was twenty-five.

  Dear Sadie,

  Happy 17th birthday, my lovely Sadie!!!

  I can only imagine the beautiful young woman you are turning into. My guess is you look more like your aunts and your dad than you will ever look like me. You may favor your father’s side of the family when it comes to looks, like eye and hair color and face structure, but you’d have to be blind not to see you inherited my mannerisms, posture, and build.

  I know I’m constantly telling you in these letters that I am with you, but, Sadie, I am, I promise. Quiet yourself and you will feel it.

  Whatever your day brings forth, be happy and always stay true to yourself. Remember, it’s a choice!

  Please have a great big party. Every day God has given you is a day to celebrate.

  Your dad and I were clueless the day we brought you home from the hospital. The only thing we were certain about was that we loved you. You’re an amazing girl, Sadie! Happy Birthday!

  Love, Mom

  Sadie’s party was huge! Scary huge! When she added in all of her friends, Travis and his friends and their girlfriends, the garage was packed. Jayna had talked her way into staying home for the party this year. Kurt threatened Jayna that she and Chrissie were going to be watched like hawks.

  This year, Sadie was grateful for Marissa’s help. Along with Myla, Kyla, and Paige, they had decorated the garage to look more like a club. Kurt had cleaned out the winter clutter, scraped off the cobwebs, and swept the floor until it shined.

  The girls hung strings of twinkling lights, plugged in the disco balls from their bedrooms, blew up balloons, twisted streamers, and set up a table for drinks, pizza, and munchies. Marissa brought over
her chocolate fountain and a cotton candy machine she had borrowed from a co-worker.

  Kurt tweaked the speakers to make sure the music would be thumping and booming. It was a good thing their neighbors weren’t too close.

  It took most of Saturday afternoon to get the look they wanted, but at last it was achieved. The girls weren’t wearing formal gowns, but they acted as if they were getting ready for the prom. Sadie’s bedroom smelled of nail polish, perfume, hairspray, and lotions. The blow dryer was going, and the curling irons and flat irons had already blown a fuse.

  Clothes were strewn all over the floor and bed, and it seemed they each had everyone else’s clothes on but their own. Finally, after a good two hours, they had all primped to exhaustion.

  When they came downstairs, Travis and Cody were in the kitchen hanging out with Kurt, Marissa, Andrea, and Benton.

  Andrea gave Sadie a hug. “I hope you don’t mind us crashing your party. We promise to stay inside and leave you kids alone.”

  Sadie had to hand it to herself; she knew how to throw a party. Probably the best advantage was that she could fit a lot of people in her garage, and she didn’t have to be on pins and needles about anything getting destroyed. Kurt was strict about taking keys and doing breath checks before anyone was allowed to leave.

  Travis came up from behind Sadie and wrapped his arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck. “Can I dance with the birthday girl?”

  Sadie turned into him, and they danced to Pitbull and Flo Rida. Somehow they found their rhythm. She felt like she was on Dancing with the Stars. Sadie felt alive and free and completely in love with Travis.

  She could feel the crowd parting around them, giving them room to dance. Everyone was yelling and cheering them on. Sadie wasn’t the least bit embarrassed—she was having the time of her life, soaking up every moment of her night.