Fire & Ice (Books 1 & 2)

by Jourdin, Genevieve

  “Take a deep breath and try to calm down. The doctor will be with you in just a moment.” Oh shit, Justine was having another panic attack. I went into the bathroom and grabbed a hand towel off of the rack and wet it down.

  I could hear Justine from the bathroom. “I really need a Xanax. I have some in my purse.”

  “I’m sorry Justine; you can’t have any medications until I know what’s going on with your brain. You’re just having some anxiety right now. No one could blame you. You’ve had a huge shock. Just try and relax and we’ll get you fixed up in no time.” Dr. Turner had arrived in the seconds I had been in the bathroom.

  I squeezed the water out of the towel and went back into the room. Justine was lying there with her eyes closed but she was breathing like she had just run a mile. I walked over and gently wiped her face. My heart hurt. I moved the towel to the back of her neck and held it there. That always seemed to work the best at home.

  “Thank you,” Justine whispered. She reached up and grasped my hand. “Thank you.” For the first time in years I wanted to cry.

  Chapter Three

  After Justine’s panic attack subsided they wheeled her away for more tests. I sat in the room with Cheryl, who tried her best to make me feel better. It didn’t really work and I felt hollow inside, like something important had been ripped out of me. Justine had shut me down.

  Twenty minutes later, Cheryl left after making sure I would call her with updates on Justine’s condition. I didn’t want to sit there by myself, so I went in search of my dad.

  I found him in his office and filled him in on what had happened with Justine. He told me that amnesia was rare but almost always corrected itself. I hoped he was right, because I didn’t know what I would do without Juss, and if she didn’t remember us I wasn’t sure how we were supposed to go on.

  Dad was busy so I decided to go down to the cafeteria to get some coffee. Once there I also bought a bowl of soup and a piece of cheesecake. At least eating would give me something to do until Juss was back in her room. I knew how long simple tests could take.

  The soup was bland; Justine had spoiled me with more delicious food in the last year and a half than I had had my entire life. No offence to my mom, but she wasn’t known for her culinary skills. After living with Justine I wondered how my dad had put up with her cooking all these years.

  I dumped some salt and pepper into the soup and ate it distractedly. I couldn’t stop thinking of the look of confusion and terror on her face when she realized she had forgotten the past two years. I was scared, too. What had made her lose all of the time we’ve been together? I started searching amnesia on my phone, disappointed with the paltry offerings of the internet. When I noticed the bowl was empty I started on my cheesecake. It was marginally better and I ate it all and went up for a coffee refill, and since I hadn’t slept for shit before I brought Justine in, I really needed the caffeine. I glanced at the clock above the cashier and realized I’d been in the cafeteria for over an hour. I had wasted enough time; Justine would probably be back in her room by now.

  I got into an elevator with two orderlies and a skinny man on a stretcher. Poor sap. I got off before them, relieved to be by myself again. I needed some time to process what was happening. Of course, Justine might have regained her memory by the time I got to her, so it was stupid to be stressing before I knew the full story.

  When I got to Justine’s room the door was open and I could hear Gloria talking. Justine was lying on the bed, covering her face. Shit. Maybe calling Gloria had been a mistake.

  “Hi there, Carter. It’s nice to see you again.”

  “Hello Gloria, how was your drive?” I asked as I leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek.

  “It was long. They’re working on the highway again. I just want to relax and get something to eat.” Justine made a face so I walked past Gloria and up to the bed.

  “Any change?” I wanted her to tell me everything was back to normal but she shook her head.

  “No.” She sounded miserable. I felt miserable.

  “It’ll come,” I told her as I squeezed her hand. I had to believe that. It had only been a few of hours, anyway.

  “Carter, what have you been up to?” How could Gloria be worried about what I’ve been doing at a time like this? I wanted to tell her to cram it and focus on her daughter, but she is Justine’s mother.

  Justine tensed up so I squeezed her hand again and mouthed “I’m sorry,” before turning to Gloria.

  “Work’s been busy and Justine’s cookbook is coming along great.” I took special pride in Justine’s cookbook not only because the love of my life was writing it, but because I was doing the layout and graphic work. I looked over my shoulder at Justine, hoping that mentioning the cookbook would be the jolt that returned her memory. She shook her head at me.

  Just then my dad walked in. He still looked tired but he was smiling at Justine.

  “Justine, how are you feeling? Dr. Turner filled me in on your problem.”

  “Fine.” I could tell she was anything but fine, but what else was she going to tell my dad?

  “You’re looking better than last night. Give it time.” He patted Justine’s hand. I looked at him and motioned with my eyes to Gloria. He seemed to understand.

  “Gloria, it’s a pleasure to see you again. I was going to have a cup of coffee, would you care to join me?” I love my dad.

  “That would be great. I was just telling Carter I could use a bite to eat.” She didn’t hesitate to stand up. “I’ll be back in a little while, Justine.”

  I waited till they were out of the room before I spoke.

  “I’m sorry about that. I was so worried about you this morning that I felt I had to call her. She is your mother.” I felt guilty for bringing her here.

  “It’s okay; you couldn’t know how she would be.”

  “Well, yes, I did, but I called her anyway. Maybe Dad will keep her busy.” I knew my dad wouldn’t be able to waste too much time with Gloria, but Juss didn’t need to know that.

  “Can I ask you something?” I nodded wondering why she was suddenly so serious. “Do I have a cat?”

  “No.” Where the hell had that come from? She had never shown the slightest interest in getting a cat.

  “Carter, I need to ask you something else.”

  “Anything.” I didn’t know what she was going to pull out next.

  “Do I love you?” It wasn’t that. She honestly didn’t know if she loved me. I felt like I had just been kicked in the stomach. I didn’t realize I could hurt like this.

  “Yes.” I could barely speak around the lump in my throat. “Yes, you love me and I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.” I hoped that telling her would help her remember how good we are together. I would tell her every hour of every day for the rest of our lives if I had to.

  Chapter Four

  I left the hospital after that. I needed to get out of there and I didn’t think I was helping Justine much. Anyway, her mom was there. There was some kind of slim chance that she would be able to support Justine.

  I pulled into our driveway and went inside. The house still felt the same but I didn’t. The bottom had dropped out of my world a few hours ago and I didn’t know if or when things were going to be okay.

  Lucy ran up to me and squirmed to be picked up, so I reached down and scooped the little dog into my arms; it was the least I could do for both of us. I needed to be comforted. She sat there, content, while I walked into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I did it one handed. I didn’t want to put Lucy down; she made me feel better.

  After the coffee was ready I poured myself a cup and took it into the office. There was only one thing to do when I felt like this, but even being surrounded by all things Star Wars didn’t make me feel better.

  I set Lucy down in her little basket, picked up a pencil out of my hairy Chewbacca mug, and sat down on the stool. I started sketching Justine. It wasn’t the Justine I had just be
en with, scared and confused; it was the confident, whole Justine who I was terrified I might never see again. I finished that one and started on another, this one of Lucy. Dad said Justine would probably get released tomorrow, as long as they didn’t find anything else wrong with her, but just in case she had to stay more than another day or two, she might want a drawing of Lucy. She loved that Chihuahua like a child.

  Once that was done I thought about going back up to the hospital. I knew I probably shouldn’t, I didn’t want her getting worked up over anything, so I opted to call Cheryl.

  She picked up on the first ring. “How’s Juss? Any change?”

  “No. Hey, can you come over? I know she would appreciate having her own things up there. Could you help pack a bag for her?”

  “Yep, I’ll come now.” She lived only a couple of minutes away in the next neighborhood.

  “Thanks, Cheryl. Bye.” I hung up, not wanting to spend time chatting on the phone. I walked into the bedroom and pulled Justine’s purple duffle bag off of a shelf in the closet. I didn’t know why she preferred it to a suitcase, everything always ended up wrinkled and mashed together. I sat on the unmade bed and closed my eyes. This wasn’t how I planned today at all. I had intended this day to be perfect. That wasn’t going to happen. I heard the doorbell; Cheryl was fast.

  “Come on in,” I called from the bedroom as I made my way to the door. She beat me to the living room.

  “You look terrible.” She appraised me with a critical eye before coming over to give me a hug. I really needed a shoulder right now.

  “Thanks.” I tried to laugh it off but it came out closer to a sob. I pulled back from her. “What if she doesn’t snap out of it?”

  “Good lord, Carter, she’s only been like this for a couple of hours, she’ll probably be as good as new by tomorrow.”

  I wanted to believe her but I wanted to wallow in self-pity, too. Self-pity won. “Why today?”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry.” She came back to hug me again. She looked over at the duffle bag and shook her head. “Let’s get this packed up so you can bring it to her. She might be back to normal already.” Cheryl tried to put on a brave face, but I shook my head.

  “Would you mind taking it to the hospital for me? I think she would rather see you than me right now.” It sucked to say that and know it was the truth.

  “Sure. Do you want to go over to my house and hang with Paulo? It might help take your mind off of things.” She walked over to the closet and started going through the clothes.

  “No, I think I’m just going to sit around here. Maybe I’ll try to sleep. I was up most of the night.” I didn’t think my mind would let me sleep, but it was worth a shot.

  She walked to the bed with clothes thrown over her arm and put them in the bag before she moved to the dresser and pulled out a pair of flannel pajamas that Justine had bought before we went skiing in Colorado.

  Finished in here Cheryl made her way to the bathroom and started dumping things in Justine’s little zipper bag. “Which toothbrush is hers?” she asked pointing to the two practically identical toothbrushes sitting in their stands on the counter.

  “The one with the yellow base.” I wanted to point Cheryl to mine, so that Justine would have to use something personal that belonged to me, but that was a little gross. I wouldn’t mind using Justine’s, but when she got her memory back she would know that it wasn’t hers.

  “I’m all done. Do you want me to tell her anything for you?”

  “No, just that I’ll see her in the morning. If she doesn’t have any injuries Dad said she might be out tomorrow. Let her know I’ll be there.” I remembered Justine didn’t have her phone and she might need to call me. “She needs her purse.” I jogged over to the kitchen table and grabbed her bag. My stomach felt hollow. Justine’s purse was going to be with Justine. At the hospital. I handed it to Cheryl.

  “You got it. Call me if you need anything.” She stuffed it into the duffle before squeezing my arm. “I’ll call you after I leave the hospital just so you know what’s going on.”

  “Thanks, see you later.” She left and I was alone again. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I realized I never drank the coffee I made so I turned to go get it then decided to try to take a nap instead.

  I kicked off my shoes and set my phone on the table before lying down on Justine’s side of the bed. I wanted to be close to her. Her pillow smelled like her hair and I took a deep breath and rolled over. Lucy hopped up and snuggled with me. If Juss were lying here with us it would be perfect, but knowing she was miles away in a hospital bed made me sick.

  I must have slept, because the next thing I knew, my phone was ringing. I jerked upright thinking it would be Justine. I snatched it up and saw that it was only Cheryl. Disappointment pressed into my chest but then I realized she might have news.

  “Cheryl. How’s Juss?”

  “She’s doing okay. I just left there. She didn’t remember my wedding. She doesn’t remember anything. I don’t think I fully got it this morning.”

  Still no progress. My throat constricted. “Is she feeling okay? Does she need anything?” I paused. “Does she want me to go up there?” Maybe she wanted me to sit with her tonight. I could be there in fifteen minutes.

  “Um, no. I think she’s going to be going to sleep soon. She was really thankful for the bag of clothes and her purse, though. I told her you would be picking her up tomorrow. I’m so sorry, Carter.”

  “Yeah, thanks Cheryl. You’re the best.” She really was.

  “Try to get some sleep. I’ll talk to you first thing in the morning. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” I hung up the phone, got out of the bed, and walked over to my underwear drawer and pulled it open, digging under my boxers until I felt the little box. I left it there and shut the drawer before making my way out to the rest of the house. I needed to make sure the house was locked up and the lights were off. I was going to go to bed and try to put everything out of my mind, at least for a few hours.

  Chapter Five

  I woke before dawn, unable to stand being alone now that I was used to having Justine beside me, and went straight to the kitchen to start the coffee. This was the second morning in a row that I felt like crap, and not just physically. I dragged myself to the shower while the coffee was brewing; I wanted to get dressed and be ready to head to the hospital as soon as was reasonable. When I finished my shower and brushed my teeth I wrapped myself in a towel and went to find some clothes.

  My underwear drawer seemed to mock me and my earlier plans. I grabbed a pair of boxers and slammed the drawer shut before stalking over to the closet to throw on the rest of my clothes. Lucy was just crawling out from the covers as I was pulling on my shoes.

  “Are you hungry, girl?” She snapped to full alertness instantly and followed me to the kitchen. She bolted out the doggie door while I put food in her bowl and gave her fresh water. She ran back in as I put down her kibble and gobbled up every bit before I took my first sip of coffee. She looked up at me. The poor thing looked sad. Or, maybe I was just putting my own emotions onto a little dog.

  “Are you missing Mama?” Her ears perked up at “mama” and she looked to the door and I felt bad for making her think Justine was home. I picked her up and carried her with me back to the bedroom to get my phone. Seven thirty was an acceptable time to call Justine; hospitals were notoriously difficult places to sleep in.

  I was going to assume she would be released today since I hadn’t heard anything to the contrary. Surely, somebody would have called if he knew otherwise.

  I called Justine’s phone and she picked right up.

  “Hello?” She sounded awake, that was a good sign.

  “Good morning, beautiful. How are you feeling?”

  “Um, I’m feeling better. I still don’t remember anything, though.”

  Disappointment slammed into me. I had honestly expected her to tell me she remembered everything and to get over there and spring her. “Oh
.” I didn’t have anything else to say.

  “Cheryl said you were coming to pick me up today, is that still on?”

  “Of course I’ll be there to get you.” I was struck again at how little she expected of me. “I just woke up and I wanted to see how you were this morning. I missed you last night.” I realized I sounded a little needy.

  “Oh, um, thanks.” Neither of us said anything for a moment.

  “I’m going to take a shower and I’ll be over there in about an hour. Can I bring you anything from home? I know Cheryl packed you some jeans to come home in, but do you want anything else?” I didn’t want to tell her I was ready to hop in the car this instant; she obviously wasn’t comfortable with me yet, and that thought burned my stomach.

  “No. How is Lucy doing?” At least she remembered her baby.

  “She’s fine, she misses you, though. She had to make do and snuggle up with me last night.”

  She didn’t respond. Awkward.

  “Well, if you don’t need anything, I’ll get going so that I can get over there. I’ll see you soon. I love you”

  “Mmhmm.” I could tell I wasn’t going to get anything else so I ended the call.

  “Fuck!” I grabbed a pillow and threw it against the wall. I didn’t feel much better, but at least I had vented. I snorted to myself as I walked over to pick the pillow up and put it back on the bed, then went ahead and made it up; Juss might want to lie down once she came home.

  I had about forty five minutes to burn so I made my way back into the kitchen and poured myself another cup of coffee and grabbed the Dan Brown book I was in the middle of before I sat down at the island. I couldn’t concentrate on it, so after about twenty minutes I put it down and grabbed my keys and jacket. I would rather be at the hospital than home alone.

  The drive didn’t take long; there was little traffic at eight o’clock on a Sunday morning. There wasn’t much going on inside the hospital, either. I made my way to Justine’s room, and her door was open so I just walked in. She was lying there, staring at nothing. I had to stifle a gasp when I saw the bruise on her face. It looked much worse than I remembered.