Violet’s Bucket List

by Embers, Tuesday

  “You too, Dennis. How goes the car sales business?”

  “It’s not a car, it’s an experience. I sell experiences,” he corrected me. I knew he’d reform my words; he did it every time. BMWs were his obsession. That he got to sell them? Well, it was about all he could converse about. “Have you seen the new model we got in?” He whistled, still looking at himself in the mirror as he spoke to me. I honestly didn’t know a single person who spent as much time in front of a mirror as Dennis.

  “You know, I haven’t. Is it a better experience than the old models?”

  Dennis frowned at me. “A BMW is always the best experience anyone can have on the road, no matter the model.”

  I shrugged, but I doubt he saw it. He was slicking his hair to the side again and again, though in all the time I’d known him, his hair had never moved. Dennis was swell. Though, as Caty had found the Ken to her Barbie, I never said a negative word about him. I only imagined mussing his hair, keying his perfect car, and breaking his phone.

  “We’ve got to go. You sure you don’t want to come, babe?” Caty whined, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

  Dennis gave her a heavy sigh and scrubbed at his face. “Did you get your lipstick on me?”

  “No. And so what if I did? You should be proud to wear my kiss around the showroom.” She twirled a lock of her platinum blonde hair around her finger. “You sure you don’t want to come with us? Skydiving’s on the bucket list, and you haven’t done anything on there with us.”

  “That’s because it’s your list with your friends. I don’t want to jump out of a plane, Caty. I feel like that’s not something all that abnormal for a person to say.”

  “You could meet us on the ground. We chose the package where they set up a picnic for us at the landing spot. You could be my first kiss after I land.”

  “How about your first kiss every day for the rest of your life?” He pecked her lips, and then wiped her kiss away. I hated him a little bit more every time he did it, but I locked my teeth together, so my venom didn’t spew out. If Caty was happy, that’s the song I cared about. Everything else (including my indignation) took a backseat.

  Caty sighed and frowned dramatically. “Okay. We’re out, then. Come on, Vi.” She motioned for me to follow, and I didn’t even bother with a parting greeting for Dennis. We had the “you’re in Caty’s life, so I tolerate you” understanding. It was working well for us both so far. His face was buried in his phone now anyways, so Caty and I didn’t exist anymore.

  I started up my car and pulled out of her driveway, trying to ignore her scrutinizing stare. “Well, your eye doesn’t look quite as black this morning,” Caty assured me as I drove through her new neighborhood. It was far more posh than the surrounding areas of the bodega I called home. The manicured grass plots were all the same height. Even the garden gnome lawn ornaments wore cheery smiles as they stood in perfect symmetry with the modern houses. “It’s more purple and yellowish now, instead of being just a plain old black eye. That’s a bonus.”

  I gave her a thumb’s up, and then changed the subject back to her wedding, which was always a safe topic. She was so excited about the musicians she’d found to play the ceremony, but she and Dennis were still going back and forth on the music for the reception. Dennis wanted a 7-piece jazz band, and Caty wanted a DJ who played ghetto nineties hip-hop. Made for each other, indeed. She’d settled on a band that played orchestral renditions of popular grunge rock. Dennis only cared that his grandmother approved, and that they had a cello.

  I bit my lip through all the excuses I wanted to make that might get me out of going skydiving as I drove us to the starting point. It wasn’t the actual dive that scared me most, it was the combination of jumping out of a plane whilst having Eli near me, making me clumsy enough to turn a risky adventure into a life insurance nightmare. I couldn’t bail on us, though. Skydiving had been one of Caty’s additions to the list, and I didn’t want to crap out on her exciting thing. She was terrified of heights, so this was her moment to stand tall in the face of her greatest fear.

  After I parked the car, Caty turned to me with a serious expression. “Okay, I forget the verdict. Do we still like Eli, or is he a rat bastard for taking home that other girl?”

  “I love you for asking. You’re a good friend, you know that? We don’t hate Eli. He’s not with me or anything. He can sleep with whoever he wants. It’s a one-way crush, and it’ll go away. I was able to have an actual back and forth with him without tripping or saying anything stupid. Happiness all the way around.”

  Caty leaned over the consul and kissed my cheek. “He’s a blind fool, even if we don’t hate him.” We slid out of the car, and Caty linked her pale, slender arm through mine. She walked in step with me to the hangar, where we were to be fitted for the completion of Number 17 on the checklist.

  Brady hugged Caty, and then slapped my palm and called me a chicken for spending the night at her place. “He didn’t bring her home, V. That’s the beauty of he and I sharing a room. Unless he wants to turn his night into a devil’s threesome, he has to go back to her place. And he didn’t stay the night with her. He slept at home. He texted a few minutes ago; he’s almost here.”

  I shrugged, fixing my gaze on the harnesses, so I didn’t have to meet their telling stares. “It’s no big deal, guys. Do we get upset every time David Beckham talks about his wife, just because Caty’s in love with him? Of course not. I’ll get over my crush just as soon as everyone stops reminding me of it.” I held out my arms and let the instructor fit one of the harnesses to me. The thing was cumbersome, and had a million buckles. I silently thanked each one of the clasps for going on the jump with me, hoping they all held strong for the big moment.

  Caty was a ball of nerves that multiplied with every passing minute, wringing her hands and shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “I think we don’t need to do this, guys. I mean it. I officially redact Number 17. What kind of an idiot jumps out of a plane? This isn’t a fun thing; it’s dangerous and stupid!”

  She made to take off her harness, but I ambled over to her and grabbed her cheeks in my hands. I could tell she was spinning, her mind everywhere, and consequently, nowhere productive. “Babe, focus. Look at my eyes. Do I look scared?”

  “That means nothing to me!” she argued, her voice growing louder and more panicked. “You’re never afraid. You’d do this even if I hadn’t put it on the list.”

  I wanted to tell her that I was afraid of lots of things, namely talking to a boy, which she’d mastered in the fourth grade. Instead, I hugged her, letting her feel how steady my body was, and that this was a fun thing, not a freak-out-worthy one. “You’ve got this. Brady and I are here the whole time.”

  Tears moistened her eyes, but didn’t slide down her face. “Why isn’t Dennis here?”

  I knew what I wanted to say. It was obvious that he loved himself more than he loved her. He was an idiot, because Caty was a treasure. When she’d lived with us, she used to clean out the fridge once a month, making sure the whole inside gleamed white. You didn’t do that kind of thing if you didn’t have love and selflessness in your heart. I swallowed down my brutal honesty and met her scared, watery eyes. “He’s not here because he doesn’t want to be. Maybe he’s scared, too. But you’re fierce, Caty. You’re the dealing with elementary-aged kids, majored in art, jumping out of plane, kind of fierce.”

  Brady muffled his giggle at Caty’s meltdown, motioning to someone behind us to join the gang. “It’s alright, Caty. We’re here for you.”

  I held onto Caty until she was breathing more steadily. Her spine straightened when she noticed someone coming up behind me. “Ugh, sorry. I didn’t want to meet you crying like a baby. You must be my replacement.”

  I stiffened and slid away from the embrace, distancing myself from Eli, lest he get near enough for me to smell his cologne-scented deodorant that would surely undo my poise. He cast Caty a wary look, clearly unsure what to do with a crying woman. “Aye. I’
m Eli. Caty, right? Did someone step on your daisies or something? Ye look like you’re about to start bawling.”

  Caty tilted her head to the side, her tears drying. “Huh? I didn’t catch that.”

  “I’m Eli. You’re Caty?”

  “What?”

  Eli cut his gaze to Brady for help. Brady didn’t look up, but kept fiddling with the buckles on his harness when he spoke. “Caty, Eli. Eli, Caty. Ireland, meet White Bread.”

  Caty flipped her hair over her shoulder. “Oh. Why didn’t you just say that? No offense, but your accent’s hard to understand. And by ‘hard’, I mean that I’ve got no idea what you said.”

  Eli stared at her for a good three seconds with a tolerant expression, finally answering her with a bland, “Grand. Let me get suited up, and we can go.”

  She stared at him blankly. “Not a word of that got through. How long have you lived in the US?”

  I couldn’t stifle the giggle that escaped my lips. Caty was blonde and beautiful, and therefore could say whatever she wanted, whether or not it was politically correct.

  “I’ve been in the States for eight years.” Eli held up eight fingers to illustrate his words.

  Caty nodded her approval. “You should always use hand gestures when you talk.”

  “She’s your friend, aye?” Eli asked me.

  I nodded, a smile playing at the corners of my lips as my chin tilted downward. “Caty, I can’t believe Dennis is missing this. He’ll be kicking himself later.”

  “He’s not into jumping out of planes.” Then she turned to me with a scared whimper. “Jumping out of planes! Why are we doing this again? When did I get it in my head that I was Vin Diesel?”

  I stood taller and adjusted my gear. “Because we’re awesome. Because my girl’s not afraid of anything. Let’s do this.” We grabbed our helmets and followed our guides. Caty and I stuck tight together, as was our way. Her knees were wobbly as we walked, and a steady stream of silent tears streaked her face. Brady sat next to her on the small plane, holding her hand while she openly wept. He was a good friend to us, and we never took him for granted.

  I was strapped into one of the two seats facing Brady and Caty, with Eli next to me. The door we would soon jump out of loomed ominously on the side of the plane in between our two sections. Each time Caty mournfully uttered the phrase, “Jumping out of a plane!” the harder I had to work at pushing down the dread I tried not to feel.

  More than the risk of plummeting to our deaths, Eli’s close proximity was the thing that made my palms sweat. Of course that would be the moment he chose to touch his fingers to my trembling ones. I fought down the nervous blurting when his pinky linked through mine in a show of solidarity. He knew I was afraid, but wouldn’t publicly call me out on it. His chin turned slightly in my direction, casting me a sidelong glance that held some unnamed emotion to it.

  When my instructor walked by once we reached the proper elevation, Eli barked, “Are ye Violet’s guide?”

  “I am. Marcus,” he offered, sticking out his hand congenially.

  Eli didn’t take his hand, but sized him up with a stern expression that bespoke of years of military training. “How long have ye been jumping out of planes, Marcus?”

  “I’ve been doing this for the company for two years. Your waiver and military clearance said you’re an old pro at this. Did you want a guide, as well?”

  “Nah. Have ye been drinking, lad?”

  I gaped at him. “What the crap, Eli?”

  Marcus was taken aback by his question. “No, man. Of course not. It’s ten in the morning. Your girlfriend’s perfectly safe jumping with me.”

  “She’ll jump with me. Ye look too green.”

  Eli’s words and Marcus’ assumption that we were together coupled in my mind to make happy parties and parades erupt in my imagination. Of course, I remained mute in my chair, but my wide eyes told the world I was blown away.

  Marcus was smaller and wirier than Eli, but he held his ground. “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t allow that. We’re one of the few companies in the area who permit veterans like yourself to jump without a guide. Company policy, sir. Violet jumps with me, or she doesn’t go at all.”

  Eli shut his eyes tight, as if the whole thing was vexing to him. “Grand.” He waited for Marcus to move to a different area of the small plane before he turned to me. He was holding my hand now, or maybe he wasn’t, and I was hallucinating the whole amazing thing. His voice held a strained note of barely contained anxiety when he spoke to me. “I don’t want ye jumping with tha fool, Mouse. I’ve got a few friends who owe me favors. I’ll jump with ye, no one else.”

  I gaped at Eli, unsure how the English language had deserted me so quickly. I knew that when words found me, they would be all the wrong ones. “But you went home with that woman.”

  Eli’s jaw went taut. “Aye. A scrubber I took to her place because she was too sloshed to drive. Then I came right back home. I had to get out of our apartment, so I didn’t throw ye down on your bed and show ye how many different ways ye can scream my name. There’s only so much a lad can take, Mouse. I fancy ye, but ye scurry away whenever ye aren’t strapped into the seat next to me.”

  My mouth was still on the floor, flabbergasted that this was what he’d been thinking. I finally collected myself, squinting at him in confusion. “You’re playing with me again. It’s the only explanation.”

  “I’m not teasing ye, Violet. I haven’t been able to get ye out of my head since I first met ye. Let me take ye out on a date, nice and proper, yeah?” He squeezed my hand, letting a steady stream of tingles flow from my wrist and flood into the rest of me. “Can’t ye feel tha?”

  I feel like I probably nodded; I’m not totally sure. “Yes to a date, when we finish the jump.” I cleared my throat, trying to reclaim a portion of my bearings. “I’m jumping with Marcus now, though. I can’t put the list on hold.”

  Eli frowned at me, his rough thumb rubbing over my knuckles. “Aye, if tha’s what ye want. Be careful, Mouse. I’ve grown attached to ye.”

  My legs were jelly when it was time for the actual jumping to start. I was clumsy, and barely had the motor function to stand. It was a thing of luck the guide did most of the work on these excursions. Caty was a sobbing mess, screaming before she even jumped out of the plane, but as soon as her patient guide leapt with her, the screams vanished, swallowed by the clouds.

  “You alright, Brady?” I asked, finally able to feel my legs when I focused on someone else.

  Brady looked pale as he psyched himself up, standing opposite the open door with me and Eli, our three backs to the wall. Brady reached around and held my hand – a thing he did when he was terrified. He’d held my hand a lot through chemo, and on every doctor’s appointment before and after. He met my eyes as the opened door of the plane taunted us with the possibility of everything going south in a breath. “It was worth losing a testicle to feel this alive. We’re doing it, Vi. We’re not going to die with regrets, okay?”

  “I love you!” I shouted above the roar of the plane. “I’m so proud of you, Brady. No regrets.”

  With that, Brady and his guide jumped out of the plane, the air taking my best friends away, and hopefully landing them safely on the ground.

  Eli gripped my hand as Marcus strapped me to him, adjusting the gear as I slid my helmet on and clipped it tight. My stomach rose to my throat, but I wasn’t about to let that keep me from jumping. I could practically feel my mother’s hand on my back, prodding me ever forward, on to the next adventure. I knew she would be proud that we were taking life by the balls to make up for the fact that Brady had been cheated out of one of his. She would have called our list poetic, and joined right along with us.

  Eli met my eyes with a tight nod that told me he was freaking out about my jump, perhaps more than I was. He opened his mouth to say something, but I didn’t hear a word of it. Marcus jumped, and I screamed, letting loose the fear I promised myself not to feel until the very last seco
nd. The wind ripped at my thick suit, reminding me that nature didn’t care that we all had a lot to live for; it would tear us apart if we weren’t ready. Even if we were prepared, there was always that dire possibility.

  I was a million emotions as I plummeted to the earth, seeing the world from my bird’s-eye view. I felt all the panic and terror that plunging in a freefall drew out in a girl. I was scared, but I faced it. There was much I wanted to run from, but I didn’t. I drank the fear in and made it a part of me I could control, instead of letting it control me. As I dove toward the earth, I knew there was nothing I couldn’t do. I was weightless. I was a bird. I was… I was Violet Rodriquez, and in that moment, I knew that would be enough to get me through whatever life had in store.

  11

  How High I Would Crash

  I landed with a somewhat ungraceful thud, but didn’t complain, since I was all in one piece. Marcus unclipped me from his suit and sniggered as I stumbled forward and hit the ground. My knees could only be expected to hold me up for so long in their jelly-like state. Marcus patted me roughly on the shoulder, giving my heart a few beats to iron out the hammering inside my chest. Of course I would be on all fours like a dog when Eli came up from behind me. Of course my face would be red from adrenaline, my hair crazy from the helmet I’d cast aside, and all my bravery used up.

  “Ye alright, Mouse?” Eli asked, hoisting me up.

  “I think so. What a rush!” I tried to steady myself on my feet, but my knees decided they’d finally had enough, and gave out on me again.

  “Ho! Steady, now. I’ve got ye.” Eli caught me before I hit the ground, his arms around my waist. We had all our gear on, but somehow he found a way to make the whole thing seem enchanting. My waist felt tiny and my curves voluptuous in his strong and capable arms.

  I gulped when his imploring eyes met mine, drinking me in as I drowned in all that was Eli. He smelled too good – like man and whatever sexy deodorant he wore that ripped the lust buried deep inside of me right to the surface. “Sorry. I think the rush is still rushing through me.”