by Paul Vayro
"I do my best." Suzy beamed with an underlying grimace as the pair returned to the air vent that overlooked Brick and Spiritwind's room. Further research of what they had discovered became their new plan for the day.
***********
"It's a joy to see such professionalism at work; to maintain such incompetence even when locked away in the privacy of their rooms. We could definitely learn from two such masters of heroics." Nicole and Suzy had returned to their craft, Wanton Pleasure, after several hours observing Brick and Spiritwind.
"Unless it isn't an act?" Suzy skimmed worryingly close to the truth.
"You think they helped save the universe and are now embarking on an effort to infiltrate Evil all through sheer incompetence?" The question hung in the air, unsure if time would step in with an answer. Only expressions of 'don't be silly' were swapped. "Wanton." Nicole addressed the craft.
"Ladies, how are you this fine evening? I must say I'm picking up effervescence from you both."
"Must be all those pleasant bubbles you fill us with." The female pair had ramped up the complimentary setting on their ship. Wearing lycra all day can be a tricky look to remain confident in, especially at certain slouched angles. Every boost to their ego was a welcome one. "Could you bring up everything you know about all living grade five heroes?"
"For a woman of your radiance, anything." The screen filled with lines of data concerning Hugo and Irish.
"Eliminate all reference to Hugo or Irish."
The screen changed to thirty pages of headings. The final entry on the final page said Brick and Spiritwind and had a thumbnail of a pair of eyes behind a baguette and a flick of hair appearing over a knee.
"Bring up the last entry."
The computer turned the words on the screen into speech. "Brick Wall and Spiritwind Capernicus Jones: saved an Earth franchise from invading Jefferians, were part of the mysterious helpers that were there when The Great One saved the universe; also available for basic admin positions and warehouse work."
"That's it? That's all you've got?" Nicole felt perplexed, and then further admiration at the low profile the pair had managed to keep.
"Would somebody like a bath running? I sense tension."
"Wanton, you always know the right thing to say."
"Suzy? Would you like one too?" The ship really knew how to treat its owners.
"Extra bubbles please. Wanton, why can't you be a man we could cuddle and take home to our mums?" As nice as the words were, the tone suggested somebody would be getting a thump for this not being the case.
"For I am one of the most complex electronic minds in the universe, built to understand the lady form. A man's head would have to be the size of a small car to hold what I fathom." Wanton gave the impression he was strolling away, smugly humming a tune as the sound of two running baths began.
Nicole had been studying the image on the screen. "The added beards for this mission must be throwing Evil completely off the scent. The heroic craftsmanship of this pair is on another level." Nicole continued to interpret Brick and Spiritwind with unearned favour.
"Now we know they're genuine heroes, we owe it to our careers to speak to them at least." Suzy was hoping they knew a series of elaborate death pinches.
"I concur. We should spend tomorrow in the air vents, observing further; then we should engage with them."
"In destiny." Suzy held out her hand in a vertical fashion, Nicole mirrored the action as the pair pretended to be unable to touch, prevented from clasping hands by an invisible barrier. They were trying to create their own extra gimmick. It hadn't been fully settled on but the palm tower of static had lasted longer than anything else. Perhaps two 'professionals' such as Brick and Spiritwind would be able to offer some tips on where they were going wrong, although futile gimmicks were probably the only thing the bumbling pair could speak with any confidence on.
Contents
Chapter Twelve
Spon sat on his chair inside the Megalomaniac Lab, watching the overlord students filing in. As Vice Chancellor, and Head of Strategy, it was his duty to welcome the class to the course and offer a brief outline of what they would be doing. He paid particular attention to Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload as they ambled past, Dag trying to tie his shoelace with nothing but a wiggle of his strolling foot, Corsetry flicking peanuts in the air and catching them expertly in his mouth. Again the pair willingly took the seats at the front: such un-Evil behaviour.
Spon's mind raced through confusion. 'If they were somehow undercover heroes, although with beards and added scars I fail to see how, why would they go out of their way to raise suspicion, unless it's a double bluff? They're either supremely intelligent or utterly stupid'. Spon believed there had to be a third answer.
The lab contained up to fifty work stations, all in rows of five. Each megalomaniac occupied a desk with a multitude of unexplained tools and buttons built into it. A screen sat at the centre. It displayed an Earth planet. The ambience was altogether more polite without the overt threats of the henchmen students, although an undercurrent of mistrust and sinister intent was palpable.
Brick looked around for an extra chair. The furniture presumed megalomaniacs would only require one seat. With the first two rows left entirely empty he had the choice of as many as he desired. He wheeled the nearest, tall, opulent, stool back towards Spiritwind.
As everybody settled in, Brick perused the decor. The wall displayed mottos of dubious morality: 'All I ask for is everything!' 'Being mean is to be brave enough to go for what everyone wants but is afraid to be seen to say it!' 'Every mountain is a challenge to climb, or a great place to set up an HQ!'
With all the students present, the class looked politely towards Spon, except for Bum-Raa who focused a general stare of dislike firmly on the duo from Earth. Spon was equally lost in thought about the pair at the front, until the overwhelming sense of a room awaiting his words snapped him from his mind. The Vice Chancellor apologised to the air, gathered his thoughts, and stood to deliver his address.
"Welcome, future megalomaniacs. I trust you slept well." It wasn't a question. "I am Spon Dooliks. You may remember me from yesterday." Still not a question. "I am the Vice Chancellor and Head of Strategy, and I will grade your final assignment. I have great hopes for this group. You can be the best, or should I say worst." A ripple of cackles and grunts trickled around the room. The 'worst' joke never failed, although Brick and Spiritwind were too busy zooming in and out of the Earth on their screen to pay attention. Spon noted their playful manner. "Over the next ticklish (about two weeks) you will be trained in all manner of evil ways and fiendish thinking. At the end of this time you will be asked to pool all you have learnt in to one final project: a real live mission to take over a planet." The room gasped in evil excitement. "You will each be assigned an Earth from the early twenty first century. It is your charge to become its ruler."
"Just freeze time and steal all the tea and coffee." Brick nudged Spiritwind with an instant plan.
"We know that doesn't work though."
"Oh yeh, forgot about those two dashing heroes filled with thwart." Brick flicked his hair with a shuffle of his neck, sending vague whiplash towards his spine.
"Your final grade will take into account every facet of your plan; including costumes, catchphrase, style, projected terror, strops, execution, and eventual demise."
"Demise! What if we succeed?" Brick couldn't keep his thoughts in. The room stunned itself into silence.
"Succeed?" Spon didn't know what else to say.
"Yes. Isn't that the point?" Brick quickly realised he shouldn't have spoken, much less carry on. It wasn't his first social faux pas, although it was the first that threatened to see him torn apart with looks alone; except for the incident in the bridesmaid's dressing room at his second cousin's wedding.
"This is your first attempt at taking over anything and you expect success? Megalomaniacs go their whole careers with only minor victories. It is the way of the u
niverse." Spon reeled off his lesson with indignation, but pride welling behind his eyes. He continued, sternly. "You will be marked based on how the planet's inbuilt heroes eventually thwart you, which they will."
"They will if you think like that." Brick spoke under his breath, dropping his head below the glares. Only Spon caught the last statement.
"You two should see me after the class." Spon was pleased for the opportunity to speak privately with the pair. He'd wondered how he could fashion it otherwise. He'd never been any good at meeting by bridges at midnight. You never knew who was lurking, especially on an Evil planet.
Bum cursed the pair. First day and they'd secured a one on one meeting with the Vice Chancellor.
"Where was I?" Spon had distracted himself with emotional conflict.
Bum-Ra raised his hand and spoke. "You were explaining how we get marked for inevitable defeat, which we all accept, except for some." He was eager to make any impression while continuing to glare at Brick and Spiritwind, which they remained oblivious to.
"I was wasn't I. Along the way you will study flippant planning, costume design, flawed impenetrable base design, cackling to the sky, fancy yet impractical vehicle concepts, henchman berating, puppy torture, old lady poking, easily escapable death machines, and much, much more. To aid you and myself there are several tutors who will share their own expertise. A few of them are here today to introduce themselves."
A panel behind Spon turned. It contained a row of oddballs attempting to look studious.
"Is that Zarg?" Brick pointed to a three foot high, green, pot-bellied alien with a horn for a nose.
"He does look incredibly similar, yet entirely different." A comedic observation found a home in its third novel.
"This is Cyril from Jeffery. Head of base location and design, and an ingenious strategist whose marvellous plan to take over an Earth only failed when, how did it fail again?"
"We're still trying to work that out."
"You see; such Evil professionalism. Still doesn't know how they failed, learnt nothing, an example to you all." Spon moved down the line. "This is Dollop, a henchman of intimidating experience. He is in charge of our sidekick training but will help you on your berating module. Now Dollop is something of a star in the Evil world. Tell the class your last assignment, if you would."
The ten foot beast, with a diagonal scar misaligning his features, spoke. "I was Insidious Chi's closest guard on his recently failed attempt to take over the universe." The class applauded and searched for a pen and paper. Brick and Spiritwind peered nervously from behind their screen.
"Do you remember him?" Brick asked first.
"I don't think I'd forget him. More importantly, does he remember us?" Spiritwind asked a better question.
"Should we just stick our heads out and find out?" Brick did it without waiting for approval, joining in the applause and trying to offer a wolf whistle. Sticking his fingers in his mouth, he still had no clue how to make any noise other than the sound of an asthmatic man out for a morning jog. Dollop looked at the pair out of curiosity rather than recognition. Their paths had never crossed.
"You worked with the great Chi? How was it?" Bum-Raa continued to seek the approval of anyone he could garner it from.
"I did. I was his closest guard along with a colleague. He was everything you expect from a boss, and sometimes more. All was going so well until Hugo Cortizone turned up to save the day."
"Even he thinks it was Hugo." Brick's outrage quickly quelled as he realised now was not the time to take issue with who saved the universe.
Spon offered Dollop a consoling pat on the shoulder and moved along. "This is Eleven Thirty: Head torturer of countless domains."
"Must be Twelve Thirty's winter time cousin." Brick made a poor joke as a six foot man in full Victorian garb flourished a wave. He was supported by his beard rather than legs.
"And we have your Head of Costume, Glass Halfempty, and Lead Craft Designer, Tumbleweed Placebo; some of your tutors." Spon signalled for applause. It came after a few seconds pause and pre-empted the screen revolving the faculty back out of view.
"So today you can feel free to familiarise yourselves with the facilities and the layout of the university. Learn your workstations and how best to use them. You may wander, or stay." Spon half dismissed the class.
"Sounds like a day off to me." Brick planned a series of naps and a booze based picnic.
"You two, come with me." Spon pointed at Brick and Spiritwind.
"Maybe not." Spiritwind mentally packed away the dried meats.
***********
Brick and Spiritwind followed Spon through the corridors and towards his office. The Vice Chancellor strolled a good fifteen feet ahead.
"What if we're walking into a trap?" Brick brought up his usual worry.
"I was wondering how long it would take you to think that."
"Well we have to be on our guard. We are heroes in a highly dangerous situation." Brick whispered his realisation.
"That is a fair point, but we're in Evil University. We're pretty much already in a massive trap." Spiritwind chewed his candy floss while remaining relaxed.
"I suppose we are."
Spon opened his door, it came with an over dramatic creak. He left it ajar for the two students to follow, which they did. Only Brick adopted a fighting stance he had no idea how to use.
Spon walked to his desk and sat behind it.
The room was ample for one man and had wooden clad walls reminiscent of a Victorian gent's library. The desk was equally opulent and covered with green, stud nailed leather on top. Upon the cow-skin was the copy of Hero Monthly with Brick and Spiritwind on the cover. Spiritwind noticed it.
"Maybe it is a trap." Spiritwind spoke without allowing his sudden concern to become apparent through body language.
"If you're saying it, I'm worried." The nudge alerted Brick to the magazine. He considered panicking, but thought it too much effort.
"Do you have any idea why you're here?" Spon picked up his thinking pipe and turned gently in his chair.
"To be trapped?" Brick had only one thing on his mind.
"To eat cakes?" Spiritwind did too, only a different thing entirely.
"No." Spon was caught off guard by the answers. "To eat cakes?"
"Or even to be trapped by cakes as bait?" Brick elaborated.
"Ooh. If you were planning to trap us with poisoned cakes you could tell me, and I'd still probably eat them." Spiritwind clarified his position.
"No. It's neither of those things..."
"I see you've found our nemisises, nemesii, nemisum...s, our sworn enemies." Brick slapped the magazine with his hand. It appeared he had a plan. He opened his mouth to find out what it may be.
"Your what?" Spon was again taken by surprise.
"Our what?" Spiritwind was too.
Brick began to pace. The magnitude of his tale warranted it, and the thinking time needed it. "Imagine starting on the path of Evil only to discover a long lost twin that embodies everything that is Good; an intriguing plot twist, of course, but a nightmare when it comes to family do's. Way back when, Good believed it could create the ultimate heroes, and so it set out genetically to make the perfect crime fighting duo. They decided that in order to do so they should assign a twin to grow with each, sucking all Evil from within. They called it the De Vito-Schwarzenegger principle; and it worked only too well. Wishing to test the true power of genetics, these emblems of Good were made in the mould of two true occupants of an Earth franchise and cast away to a planet at the hub of nowhere. If they could flourish from there then they would truly prove to be natural heroes." Brick bit his fist and looked to the sky. It always seemed to work for Hugo. It just left him with a slightly sore knuckle and a few mild indents.
"Fascinating." Spon was already making notes. Spiritwind had retrieved a series of topped crackers to enjoy the story with.
"As we kept our eyes glued to the ether, for news of their progress, we w
ere saddened to see they'd already risen to such heights." Brick pointed back to the magazine, shielding his proud eyes with his free hand. "Even if their strongly deserved recognition for such achievements did not follow, some would say stolen from them, we knew we were falling behind in our own mirrored careers. We needed to step up our Evil ambitions. Filling post boxes with bees just wasn't fulfilling our potential, and so we applied here to become the best. We thought knowledge of our twins would go against us and so decided not to mention it."
Spon was amazed. "You are the Evil residue of that experiment?" Brick nodded apologetically. "So you have the genetic make-up of the perfect Good, only your moral compass points towards Evil?"
"I'm afraid so." Brick stared down towards his chest, entirely unsure how his words had been received. Spiritwind didn't speak, but his eyes suggested he was impressed with his friend's waffle.
Spon put down his thinking pipe, stood, tiptoed towards the door and closed it. He shuffled back to the pair quickly and spoke in a whispered hush. "This is marvellous." Brick looked up, pleased he hadn't ended up in a cage filled with ants bearing a grudge. "It has been my vision for many a year now to take Evil down a more heroic path, to employ the approach and techniques of Good, but tradition will not allow it. Just a little more professionalism, more thought before action, better tactics, and we could succeed, but no they continue with blatantly flawed plans and simple errors of logic. You two could be my saviour, you could prove me right. We could bring a new dawn of Evil to bear." Spon bit his lip and looked out of the window. Brick and Spiritwind shrugged to each other and put the fact they hadn't been arrested down to skill over heroic narrative.
"How would you feel about a small test of your abilities?" Spon spun back round.
"Will it involve getting stabbed or chased?" Brick needed some details. He'd heard all sorts of rumours about Evil.
"Not if you do the task well."
"Go on then." Spiritwind was just happy not to be down a pit, fighting a beast of rabid hunger and many teeth; whilst also hoping the task in question didn't involve being put in a pit, to fight a beast of rabid hunger and many teeth.