by Paul Vayro
"It has been my own personal mission for many years to take over my neighbour's garden. I've read every technique and tactic there is on skulduggery, but I cannot put any of my knowledge into practice. How would you feel about coming to my house and setting a plan that will see me take his land as my own?"
"Shouldn't be too hard." Brick instantly accepted.
"Will there be cakes?" Spiritwind spotted room for negotiation.
"Why not. I'll pick some up on the way home." Spon almost leapt in joy before realising solemnity and the rubbing together of hands was a far more befitting manner to celebrate upcoming Evil.
"Give us your address then and we'll be there about eight." Brick formalised the arrangement as Spon grabbed a pen and paper.
Walking out of the room, address in hand, the door closed to a common concern for Brick.
"What if he's setting up a trap?"
"Are we going either way?" Spiritwind cut to the facts.
"Of course. We're grade five heroes and on our way to a degree in Evil. What could possibly go wrong?" It made about as much sense as anything else was doing.
Contents
Chapter Thirteen
"Well done, men." Dollop congratulated the henchmen trainees as they completed their first rounds of fitness.
"That was pretty tiring. One of the most tiring things I've ever done I think. Making me feel a bit dizzy if I'm honest, or is the world growing lighter and more, spinny......." Yakkety Yak passed out after carrying a shire horse and its cart for the last six hours while punching his way through walls and battling fast-flowing rivers filled with crocodiles and mouse traps.
Jiggery Pokery flung the minibus he'd been forced to support through the same course and headed to the recovery area, which was essentially a spacious field next to the finishing line, filled with barrels of water and several Ak-Lak-Milak stalls: a traditional henchman dish consisting of an entire cow, battered and deep fried, on a stick. Jiggery headed straight for the water and tipped a six-foot barrel over his face, whatever his mouth failed to drink served to cool his heaving muscles. Once quenched, his body gave up and fell flat on the grass to recuperate.
The unconscious silence of his new companion was as rare as it was welcomed, although it only lasted ten minutes. "Think I may have passed out there. Did you notice? Don't think I was lying down at the start of that sentence...."
Jiggery opened one eye to see Yakkety speaking between gulps of his own acquired barrel. He realised he wouldn't be able to fall back in to his semi-sleeping state and sat up, surveying the field of goliaths before him. Some were sprinting into impossible barriers, others punching steam trains and various items that had never expected to be assaulted. Was this really the life he wished to enter?
".......Juggling's good but I wouldn't do it with knives, or fire, or any animals that might turn round and bite you......."
Jiggery let the words run across him without thought before noticing Bozo lay down not twenty feet away, three empty barrels rolling by his side. A fourth dangled a pair of legs from its edge; they were presumed to be attached to the body of Schmuk. Jiggery saw an opportunity to delve for information and keep Bum-Raa happy. He stood and nudged Yakkety. "Come on. We've got a job to do."
"Jobs are fun, unless they're rubbish jobs, then they're rubbish. Guess that's why people call them rubbish jobs. What's your favourite job? I had to guard a tree once. Don't know why, or what from, or why it was in a field so far from anyone. Boss just said mind it. Had nothing to do with the filing I was supposed to be doing....."
Jiggery let his partner witter as they approached the Ak-Lak-Milak stall within easy social distance of their quarry. Securing a crispy bovine each, Bozo opened one eye to grimace towards the stream of words coming from Yakkety. Jiggery noticed the glance and engaged the beast with a question. "Ak-Lak-Milak?" The hand signals suggested he would be happy to provide one.
"That would be very kind." Bozo hadn't expected civility. He was ready to bear his teeth in the hope he wouldn't have to follow through with an actual fight. His legs were thoroughly enjoying being lay down.
"For your friend, too?" Jiggery pointed at the barrel. The thump that returned suggested yes.
"I like to eat the head first then suck out the spine." Yakkety munched his way through his endlessly escaping thoughts.
Bozo delivered the snacks, placing Schmuk's on the grass next to the barrel. A further thump offered thanks. Handing Bozo his, the pair held their fists aloft, ready to punch. It was the standard henchman handshake. The four formed a littered gathering and sat eating for a few moments before speaking. Jiggery started.
"I see they gave you the tractor to carry. You'd think they'd take the plough off the back first."
"Would have been nice, but I don't mind; makes it easier to re-trace my steps." Bozo threw humour into the conversation, not a usual henchman trait. The food and exhaustion had lowered his defences. He quickly covered it up, but noted the smile rather than judgement that Jiggery reacted with. "I'm Bozo by the way."
"Pleased to meet you, Bozo, I'm Jiggery Pokery. This is my co-henchman, Yakkety Yak."
"Grass is nice isn't it? Not as good as a bed but pretty good if it's all you've got...." Yakkety spoke to nobody in particular. Bozo looked worryingly towards Jiggery.
"It's his thing, talking a lot about nothing." Jiggery tried to explain whilst sharing a shrug that signalled he didn't understand it either.
"That's Schmuk." Bozo pointed to the already assumed legs. They were busy devouring lunch in the dark. "I'm not sure if eating in the dark counts as a thing, but he does it a lot." The cynical tone raised itself once more. Jiggery smirked before commenting on the course, and introducing the verbal bait for the information Bum sought.
"It's good to finally get a run-out. This is the bit I was looking forward to, that and punching things. Can't say I'm enjoying having to learn how to deal with a boss though. Don't know why they can't leave us out of their dramatics and just tell us when something needs hitting."
"I would tut and say you should try having two of them, but we've not had any drama from them. If anything, they apologise for bothering us with questions and stuff." Bozo bit, but with an air of suspicion.
"Oh, are you with the megalomania pair? I remember them from the induction. Think everybody does." Jiggery pushed a slither of escaping batter back towards his mouth. "So, they don't tell you off or threaten you with stares and promises of impractical tortures?"
"Not in the slightest. One constantly bickers with the world while the other's always snacking. They don't seem that interested in us or the course. Treat us more like friends than hired muscle. To be honest, I think we know more about Evil than they do." Bozo's tiredness allowed his mouth to continue to run free. He shackled it as he realised he may be saying too much. He hid in reciprocation. "So, what's your guy like?"
"Oh, he's an old friend. I'm not sure he's got what it takes, but I said I'll stick it out for a while. Want to be a builder really. Can always go back to that if needs be."
"It'd be good to sleep on a cloud, but waking up'd be a pain. Could have floated off anywhere in the night....." Yakkety continued in his own conversation as Schmuk wiggled from his barrel, covered in batter.
"So are you actually friends, if they treat you like that? I mean, have you known each other for a long time, married to a cousin or anything?"
"No; met at the bus station on the way here. They offered us a lift, or so they say. Things got a little out of hand on the drinks front. All I know is we woke up on their ship a dringle before we had to register. Think they're just naturally nice guys, which makes it even odder that they've ended up here."
"Evening. Is it evening?" Schmuk joined the chatting pair. Everyone repeated the henchman welcome of raised fists.
Jiggery was genuinely taken aback by what Bozo told him, and slightly envious. "Sounds like you've struck lucky. It's all a bit cliché if you ask me, the way we're spoken to; must be nice to just talk to each
other."
"It is nice, but it may not be such a good thing when you get extra marks for clichés." Left with just the stick from his snack, Bozo lay back to rest further. Jiggery let his mind daydream. "Who knows, maybe they'll bring down the whole system of clichés and herald a new dawn of Evil for us all." Jiggery equally lay back with a snort and a laugh, Bozo shared a chuckle; Schmuk joined in as it seemed the thing to do.
"Bees are nice aren't they? Except when they sting....." Yakkety followed his own line of thought.
"The universe is a funny place, but I don't see how two bumbling, wannabe overlords are going to change the entire ethos of Evil during a megalomaniac course at a non-descript University in the middle of nowhere." Bozo closed his eyes to signal his final, smirking word as everyone twitched in merry, cynical agreement.
The Universe held in a mischievous giggle. Its occupants really didn't understand the first thing about how it worked, although it was pleased to be thought of as funny.
Contents
Chapter Fourteen
Brick and Spiritwind did the only thing they knew to do with free time and headed for a bit of telly and a rest before having to meet Spon. Walking into their rooms, Brick headed straight for his bed, Spiritwind opted for the fridge. Neither noticed the two perfect sculptures of living lady hood stood under the air vent.
"I think someone's been in here and added some extra comfort to this bed, or fluffed the duvet at least."
"Well they've definitely re-stocked the fridge. I'd nearly emptied this, this morning."
"Evil isn't that bad after all." Brick stretched every limb.
"Hope you're not thinking of fully turning." Nicole stepped forward in a manner most men would pay to see.
Spiritwind turned round with a leg of chicken in his mouth. He'd failed the good first impression test, again. Brick lifted his head from the pillow. He knew the voice would be attached to somebody beautiful, but just how beautiful he couldn't have imagined, and he had a great imagination.
"Howdo." Spiritwind didn't know what else to say. He realised he didn't stand a chance, even more so after the chicken incident, and so reverted to type.
"Lovely." It was the only word Brick could manage.
"It's okay, we know who you are. You can relax." Nicole took up one of the armchairs. Suzy sat on the end of the unoccupied bed.
"Of course you do. It says our names on the door." Spiritwind wasn't going to give up everything so easily.
"Not your disguise names, your real names."
"Oh." Spiritwind remained non-committal, but on the lookout for cooked meats.
"Would you like to know who you are?"
"I already know who I am." Spiritwind wondered if anyone else was growing ever more confused.
"I'd just like to hear you use words again." Brick had nothing to offer the conversation.
"Yes, but would you like us to prove we know who you are?"
"Everyone knows who we are. Our name's are on the door." Suzy twitched in frustration at Spiritwind's confusion.
"Okay." Nicole had never pulled teeth but she was beginning to get a feel for what it must be like. "You are Brick Wall and Spiritwind Capernicus Jones, grade five heroes and saviours of the universe. We are guessing you're here on an undercover mission to infiltrate Evil and do something fiendishly clever about it."
"So why are you here?" Spiritwind turned the questioning seamlessly whilst admitting to nothing.
"We are here to capture our out of date, grade one nemesis. We've recently been upgraded to level three and need a new assailant. Turns out our old one is the Chancellor here."
"Now ladies, consider that lesson free." Brick had stirred from his beauty coma and found more than adoration to comment on, shuffling to the end of the bed as he did so. "You've just laid out your entire plan to us, and for all you know we could actually be Evil students. Then where would you be?"
"Fine. As grade three heroes there's nothing a pair of students could do against us. You'd be tied up in a closet before you could raise the alarm."
"Oh." Brick wondered if it was worth lying just so he could experience that. He decided against it. "Well how do we know you two aren't Evil and are trying to lure a confession from us, which we've still admitted nothing to."
"Would Evil look like this?"
"Good point. You look beautiful in the way I want to absorb your wonder and name a flower after you. Evil beauty makes you want to purse your lips and run to a cheap hotel."
"And hot Evil always works alone." Spiritwind joined in.
"And has a suggestive glint in their eye for the hero. I'm not sensing a suggestive glint in either of your eyes."
"We could just show you our hero cards." Nicole had an easier way to solve the problem.
"You could." Brick tried to look contemplative. It was difficult with a gurning face on the verge of dribble.
Nicole whipped out a card, Suzy did too. They were handed to Brick and Spiritwind.
The pair formed a mini hero huddle, murmured, held the cards up to the light, stroked their beards then admitted to each other they didn't have the first idea what a grade three hero card should look like. They handed them back, believing the ladies wouldn't present them unless they were genuine.
"Drink?" It was all Brick had left. He didn't wait for an answer and proceeded to pour four Gentle Cycles: they offered the sensation of hot chocolate in place of bones, gently circulating and tricking the mind in to thinking everything was slightly to the left of where it usually is.
"Why not? So, we just thought we'd let you know we're around. In case you wanted any help on your mission?" Nicole rocked on her heels, unsure what to say next. She'd expected more input from the superior ranked warriors.
"Of course, our mission; we could make a great team." Brick turned to deliver the drinks; he'd already treated himself to a swig of his own concoction.
"So what do you need us to do?" Nicole tried to snuggle her way further into the plan, accepting the drink as she did.
"Well the specifics of our plan are still at an early stage......" Spiritwind began explaining.
"You're winging it?" Suzy interpreted perfectly, her twitches retreating to nothing more than an occasional shimmer, yet her tone still dismissive.
"Why does everyone always say that?" Brick continued to pass the drinks around.
"Is it because you always wing it?" Suzy chased the truth, and used her stare to suggest she may punch Brick if he didn't give it up.
"There's a fine line between winging it and allowing the facts to evolve themselves." Brick was impressed at his own verbal fluff. He wasn't as impressed at his effort to sit down. Misjudging the bounce of the mattress he spilt his drink down his T-shirt.
Nicole and Suzy toasted the air and downed their drinks in one. Brick and Spiritwind shared a look of instant love. As the impact of the beverage took hold, the female pair of perfection only had one shared thought. "Actually, we should leave. It's dangerous for us to be here. And we have training to do." Nicole always referred to a bubble bath as training. The possible combination of comfort the drink evoked and being immersed in warm water was too much to resist.
"Going already? I thought we were just starting to get on." Brick stood up too fast and spilt his drink again.
"We'll have time. Don't forget, we're always watching." Suzy back flipped into the air vent.
"Not always I hope. Sometimes I don't want people to see some of the stuff I do. Even I don't want to see a lot of it." Brick felt instant concern, and a little bit of self disgust.
"Think of it more as a metaphor." Nicole squinted and leapt into the shaft, replacing the grill as she did.
"Try not to think about the structurally sound nature of the pipes you're crawling through." Spiritwind tried to sound like he had a clue.
"Rule 56, subsection 3 that one, friend." The eyes disappeared from the grill and left the duo alone once more.
"So which one do you think fancied me the most?"
&nb
sp; "We can still hear you." A voice echoed into the room.
Brick mouthed a silent response. "Probably that one."
Spiritwind shook his head at his friend, a man covered in his own drink and a grinning, gormless ignorance that needed to be slapped.
It was another twist in an already overcrowded spiral.
Contents
Chapter Fifteen
Bum-Raa stormed down the corridor towards his room, smashing the easily breakable furniture the university provided. They knew the types they were dealing with and how they loved to vent their rage on inanimate objects. He couldn't believe Dag and Corsetry had been invited for a private chat with Spon. Even if they were in trouble, they were still getting the attention he craved.
He'd spent the last few hours in the kick-a-pigeon room, trying to release his fury. The constant misses and smug head bobbing of his untouched prey had only increased his rage.
The potential tyrant passed straight through his room and in to Jiggery and Yakkety's. He hoped, for the future of their eyelids, they had some information on the hapless duo.
"Oh I see; sleeping while I'm trying to secure all that is. Well that's just marvellous." Bum entered to find the two dozing on their beds. Both sat upright in confused response.
"Was I sleeping? I didn't even realise." Yakkety was first to use words.
"Uh." Jiggery had little else.
"At least do no not disappoint me further by saying you've discovered nothing about this wretched pair of..........nitwits." Bum took a seat on a wooden chair in the corner, tapping his knee in annoyance.
"Erm, we....."
"It's funny what can happen when you shut your eyes for the briefest time isn't it. I might have to stop blinking." Yakkety's waffle gave Jiggery time to get his thoughts arranged.
"We did. We spoke to their henchmen, Bozo and Schmuk. They said they've only just met them themselves, on the way here. Don't know much about them or where they came from. Seem like a nice pair of guys though."
"How does that help me?" Bum was going to have a problem whatever he was told. It was his job.
Jiggery rubbed his face in the hope it would stop feeling numb. "They also said they don't behave in the way you'd expect overlords to. Don't seem that interested in taking anything over, quite friendly too." Jiggery smiled in the hope the sentiment may rub off on his boss. It didn't. "More curious than angry. Reckon they're either some revolutionary new form of bad guy or just rubbish. Hard to tell."