by Paul Vayro
Bum-Raa fell back into the chair. "That's it? What do you suggest I do with such vague information?"
"Hope they're rubbish?" It was the most sensible thing anyone had heard Yakkety say.
Bum stood and flicked his cloak. "Rubbish or not I shall vanquish these chancers, for I am Bum-Raa, lord of all that is, one day." Bum-Raa left the room with a flourish and a struggle with the door handle.
"He's getting worse." Jiggery lay back down.
"I had an uncle that got worse once." Yakkety equally adopted a horizontal posture.
"What happened?"
"I just told you, he got worse."
There was little to say to such a sentence, and so the pair fell back into a recuperating doze. The sound of a corridor being smashed up echoed through their quarters. Bum-Raa didn't take kindly to be upstaged by idiots.
***********
Brick and Spiritwind were continuing to fill the time that had to pass before going to Spon's house. Having dozed and snacked, then snacked and dozed, they moved on to playing tissue cup, a game they had recently invented. It involved throwing a tissue into a cup.
"Tissue in cup wins." Spiritwind wouldn't be moved on the rules Brick continually tried to change to ensure he was the victor.
"That's a very narrow minded view to take. Surely a tissue under the cup should receive bonus points, if not outright victory?" Brick's tissue had somehow gone under the porcelain pot.
"I agree, if the point of the game had been to do so, but surely any sport rewards the achievement of intention, and as the intention is to get the tissues in the cup I must decline your argument." Spiritwind floated another missile into the target.
"With such a stringent approach where is the opportunity for expression and flair?"
"We're blowing tissues into cups. Any attempt at flair may see me hyperventilate."
There was no chance for Brick to reply as a knocking interrupted the discussion. It came from the door that offered a partition between them and their henchmen. Brick stood up to answer it. He needed the thinking time to try and ensure he won the argument, if not the game.
"Hey, it's Bozo and Schmuk." Brick remained non-committal over which was which.
"I hope you don't mind our intrusion?" Bozo knew that some henchmen would have their knee-caps put on backwards for encroaching on a boss's space, but felt confident Brick and Spiritwind would react with understanding, although he didn't expect the next question.
"Not at all, always good to have company. Now, tell me, if you were playing a game that involved firing tissues into a cup and one player managed to fire a tissue under the cup, would you say that was worth a bonus point, or even instant victory?"
"Is this a trick?" Bozo knew they could be up to anything, and within their rights to punish any response.
"How can we help?" Spiritwind took over the henchman management.
"Erm, we thought you should know that some of the other henchmen have taken an interest in you; been asking us questions."
"Like the kind of Evil we're threatening to unleash, do they?" Brick instantly saw it as a compliment.
"How many of them?" Spiritwind had a slightly more focused riposte.
"Just two, they work for Bum-Raa." Bozo awaited anything from a skewer through the eye to a lollipop in his hand.
"Which one's Bum-Raa?" Spiritwind turned to his equally bewildered friend.
"Not sure; the one with an Octopus on his shoulder?"
"Erm, if I may suggest. You could ask the computer to show you." Bozo felt safe violence was not going to be forthcoming, not yet anyway.
"Computer?" Brick had no idea.
"Yes Dag. How may I assist?" Fortunately the computer had a full idea, and a face that appeared on the wall. It looked like a friendly deer.
"Look at that. We have a computer. Am I Dag?" Brick had to check for a third time.
"I think so."
"Good. Erm, Computer, who is Bum-Raa?" Bozo and Schmuk lost all sense of physical repercussions and grew more and more interested in the dotty pair.
The deer changed into a rotating image of Bum-Raa and spoke whilst highlighting various parts of the fellow student. "Bum-Raa: megalomaniac pupil at Evil University, hails from the planet HaHA. Henchmen: Jiggery Pokery and Yakkety Yak. Interesting quirk: concrete facial hair to match his henchman's concrete mane. One arm replaced by a multi-tool implement......."
"Oh him. He keeps sitting behind us, getting angry at nothing." Brick's recognition kicked in.
"Perhaps it's frustration at being stuck with one style of beard. No flexibility."
"He must be jealous of our fine facial exploits." Brick and Spiritwind rubbed their fresh beards proudly. Brick noticed Bozo and Schmuk still standing there, unsure what to do. "So, do you think he's going to try something?"
"I don't know." Bozo hadn't expected to be asked for further input. He presumed his part of the process was complete. "Can never tell with these overlord types." He momentarily forgot who he was talking to. Luckily so did Brick.
"I know what you mean." A moment of realisation struck. "Being one, of course. That's why I know, we know. Us." Brick wiggled his finger between him and Spiritwind. "Okay then. Well if that's all we'll digest what you've told us and work out something fiendish."
"Did we do the right thing?" Bozo was trying to learn too.
"Excellent work. If we had gold stars, you'd both get two." Without a scoring system such reward meant nothing.
Brick ushered Bozo and Schmuk back through the door. The beasts wandered into their room, perplexed but happy to have had such a genial chat without ending up stuffed in a post-box for a month. As the door shut, Brick turned.
"I think I've worked out a compromise concerning these tissues and cups."
"Does the compromise lead to you winning?" Spiritwind knew all about Brick's compromises.
"It may do, and I accept such burdens of fairness."
"Then that's not a compromise is it? That's just you working out a way of winning that makes me feel better about it."
"I think we need to delve further into the concept of compromise before we answer that..........."
There was every chance they would be late for Spon.
Contents
Chapter Sixteen
"No recollection at all?"
"Nope. I remember some of these others milling around the HQ. Me and Sandbag ran into them, and were about to unleash a beating when the peace-spell Hugo was under, broke. After that his master plan kicked into action and Evil was defeated to the echoes of his belly laugh. Never saw those two though. Could have been prisoners he released and invited along to share the spoils. I hear he's good like that." Dollop took his imposing finger off the faces of Brick and Spiritwind and handed the copy of Hero Monthly back to Spon Dooliks.
"Or they could be covering their tracks expertly, operating under radars that are yet to exist?" Spon offered a tentative, counter explanation.
"Possibly, although in my experience you wouldn't have to be that secretive to fool Evil." Spon turned with a look of proud bonding at Dollop's cynicism. Dollop saw the glance and worried he may be in trouble. "But what do my ideas count for? Nothing really." Dollop didn't want to get sacked so soon. The University made some of the best Ak-Lak-Milak he'd tasted in aeons.
Spon had invited Dollop to his house under the guise of welcoming a new faculty member. In reality he wished to grill him about Brick and Spiritwind. He also felt a kindred spirit in the ex-henchman and wished to involve him further in his plan to change the philosophy of Evil. The beast's latest commentary only helped confirm Spon's instincts.
Having interviewed the henchman, Spon felt Dollop's well-oiled answers revealed a mind that understood the game and played along, but would change the approach entirely, given the chance. It was the main reason he'd offered the monster the position, that and the fact he broke the punching machine. It was going to take three weeks to get the required part to fix it, and they needed somebody to start straight
away.
"The thing is, Dollop, I've been asked to scout out potential figureheads for the university......" The Vice Chancellor paused. He was taking a risk in revealing his personal philosophy, but trusted his instincts."......but I've always believed we could learn from Good in how they approach our endless battle." Spon watched warily for Dollop's reaction to such an idea. The increase in attentiveness suggested his instincts were correct. Either that or Dollop had coincidentally timed wind. He continued, all the time monitoring the beast's body language. "They don't leave themselves open to the obvious flaws Evil insists on, or the incompetence at in-opportune moments that collapses our plans." Convinced that Dollop agreed with the sentiment, Spon divulged further. "Can I tell you a secret?"
"Of course."
"There are two current students with the same genetic make-up as the heroes we just spoke of, but their morality points firmly in the direction of Evil. I've invited them here for a simple test of their ability." A knock arrived at the perfect moment. "That'll be them. You see, they even have hero timing."
Spon almost skipped to the door, opening it and ushering the duo into the living room. Dollop stood to welcome the guests. Brick took a step back as he saw the mountain of threat.
"Is he the test, because I haven't brought me battle pants?" Brick got his excuse in early.
"No, no, no. I wouldn't be so crude. This is Dollop, ex-henchman and current trainer at the University. I introduced him at the induction. He worked with Insidious Chi on the universal takeover your Good counterparts thwarted, although Dollop believes they may have been prisoners rescued by Hugo as he single-handedly saved the universe."
"Oh that good old Hugo, eh." The room shared a jovial grimace at Brick's flippant outrage.
"So what is this test?" Spiritwind thought it best to stick to the present before his friend joked them in to real trouble. "You mentioned something about a garden?"
"It's a simple little thing really. Follow me." Spon walked the whole party towards the patio window at the rear of the room. It looked out across his sunken land. A factor which exposed next door's equally ample greenery.
"What a lovely space." Brick had to say something.
"It is, but I want more. I want his garden too." Spon pointed across to his desire.
"Okay. Let's go and have a look then." Brick took the blasé approach, then opened the wrong door and walked straight into the downstairs toilet. "Everything's secure in there; so, the back garden?" Nobody bought his efforts to pass off his error as Spon led the way.
After much strolling, poking, stroking of the chin, and forgetting twice why they were there, Brick posed a few questions, whipping out a notepad and pen for extra effect. Spon whispered towards Dollop. 'You'd never see Evil taking notes, unless it was an inconsequential scientist with a clipboard standing next to an elaborate looking piece of machinery'.
"What does your neighbour do?" Brick had no intention of writing anything to do with the task in hand and began making a list of possible reasons girls repeatedly refused to kiss him. He was struggling to find any.
"Erm, he's a lifeguard at the local pool, I think."
"Oh really." This meant nothing. "And his name?"
"Ginjiv-Itis."
"Like the teeth thing, unfortunate. Okay. I think we have enough to go on." Brick scribbled something down furiously. He decided to make a list of reasons girls should want to kiss him, instead. "Do you have a hose?"
"Yes." Spon pointed from his stunned frame towards an errant pipe.
"Excellent. Dollop, I may need your strength." Dollop followed hypnotically as the Earthling strolled towards the fence and the nozzle of the watering tool. "Could you force the end of this hose underground and about six feet into Ginjiv's garden, preferably pointing up but not breaking the surface?"
"I can give it a go." Dollop picked up the hose and rammed it through the soil. A few minutes of shoving and shimmering from the monster and he felt pleased he'd achieved what was asked. Brick hung on to the top of the fence as he did so, his eyes peering over.
"Could we turn the hose on?" Brick sent further instructions. Spon complied and wandered over to a tap, turning it before semi-skipping back to the gathering.
After a few minutes, Spon broke the silence. "So when do you think your plan will be ready?"
Brick released his grip on the wooden barrier and landed, rubbing his hands in joy. "It's done. Would you like us to collect your garden for you now?" Spon was bemused. Spiritwind had given up reacting to Brick a long time ago. It didn't seem to affect anything so he'd stuck with accepted ambivalence ever since.
"Erm, yes." Spon didn't know what else to say. He looked at Dollop. He equally had nothing.
"I'm presuming you can sound intimidating over the phone?" The question was aimed at Dollop as Brick finally wrote something down relating to the mission in hand. Dollop nodded, and vaguely snarled.
"Myself and Corsetry are going to pay Mr Itis a quick visit. A short while after your phone will ring. I need you to answer with this." Brick handed over the quickly scribbled note. "Not much longer after that, Ginjiv should knock on with the deeds to his garden. Come on Corsetry."
Brick and Spiritwind walked away. Dollop looked at the note. It made no sense, although nothing did at that moment in time.
"Do you know what you're doing?" Spiritwind thought it best to check.
"I know what I want to do. It's up to these fabled hero powers to do the rest."
"So we're finally using them for more than pretending the pub is an adventure in order to evoke their pulling power?"
"The pub is always an adventure. Look at where it's led us to this time."
"Fair point; although we still haven't pulled."
"Not yet, but never forget my friend; the patient man always wins." Brick lifted his finger in the air and followed it with purpose, straight through Spon's living room and out towards destiny.
***********
Ginjiv-Itis opened his door to find two men in suits with scruffy beards and an eye patch each. Both were carrying a briefcase and a business-like attitude. They were quickly inspecting their disguises, pleased their hero powers had provided them yet no nearer understanding how. Brick fell into character.
"Bad day to you" Brick checked his clipboard ".......Mr Itis. We're from the Evil Institute of Dastardly Research. May we come in?"
"If you have ID. Do you have ID?" Ginjiv didn't live on a planet full of evil without picking up some wariness. He wasn't a big man, no taller than six feet, but he was well set and promised a fight if you wanted one. His teeth entirely lived up to his name.
"Let's find out." Both men reached inside their suits and pulled out a wallet. Flicking it open they found perfectly crafted ID's from the Research Centre, bearing their names and a terrible picture.
"Okay then. What's this about?" Ginjiv was convinced.
"May we see your back garden?" Brick had already started walking. By the time Ginjiv and Spiritwind had caught up, the floppy haired hero was leaving the downstairs toilet. "Everything seems secure in there. This way is it?" Ginjiv took over directing and led the way outside.
Once in the garden, Brick reached into his briefcase and pulled out a box with various dials and a flashing light on it.
"Suits I can just about handle, but where did that come from?" Spiritwind was more and more impressed.
"I could ask the same about that fajita." Brick pointed to Spiritwind's latest snack.
"Fair point, carry on."
Brick began wafting the box around the garden, all the time wandering towards a quickly forming puddle. As he reached it, the box lit up and beeped. "Here it is."
"Here's what? What's happened to my lawn?" Ginjiv was not impressed, or certain of what was going on.
"This is a natural spring of Evil, Mr Itis. You are a lucky, lucky man. We've been tracking this for years awaiting its emergence. If you could just sign here we can begin." Brick whipped out an enormous contract.
"Begin? B
egin what?"
"Mr Itis, this is a site of monumental worth to the Evil world. We have to study it, mine it; create one of the great attractions of the Evil lands."
"So what's this?" He wiggled the contract.
"As the landowner you have to take on responsibility for the upkeep of such. With all these future visitors there are Health and Safety guidelines to work through, insurance to pay, Evil tax to be levied from you."
"I don't want all this."
"Nobody wants Evil, Mr Itis. You just have to be thankful you've been chosen." Spiritwind stood behind on his phone, pretending to be organising things.
"Well, hold on, I." A thought flashed into Ginjiv's mind. "What if I wasn't the landowner?"
"Are you saying you're not?"
"I'm saying maybe I don't want to be."
"It's very simple, Mr Itis. Whoever signs that paper owns this land and all the associated palaver that will come with it."
"That is simple." Ginjiv half closed one eye in sinister thought.
"Look. We have several cranes to order and press releases to make. You have until 9am to get the signature of the landowner and return the contract to us. Ring this number if there's a problem, but we don't expect there will be a problem, will there Mr Itis." Brick spoke in a threatening tone he only just realised he had. Maybe he was learning something at university after all.
Brick and Spiritwind swapped made up signals and left. Ginjiv was flustered, but not too flustered to at least check the number he'd been left with. After a few minutes posturing in bewilderment, he ran inside his house and dialled.
"Bad evening, Ginjiv-Itis. Your contract remains unsigned and undelivered. Please be aware the clock is ticking. Do not incur the penalties the Evil Institute pays out for tardy paperwork. You won't like it, but we will." The phone went dead. Ginjiv relinquished the fluster he'd been holding back and approached a full on flap.
"Who was that?" Spon turned to Dollop in the midst of providing a cup of tea. The ex-henchman had just got off the phone after reading out Brick's hasty note.
"I think it was your next door neighbour."