by Paul Vayro
"What did he want?"
"I didn't ask. He whimpered something though."
They didn't have time to go further into the discussion as a panicked knock reverberated through the front door. Spon answered, Dollop stood behind, just in case.
"Mr Dooliks. Hi, I'm from next door. You've always admired my garden haven't you?"
"Yes, it's lo..."
"It's yours."
"What?"
"It's yours. I hate it. I just found out I'm allergic to the outdoors. I shouldn't even be out here now but what the hey. Do you want it?"
"Well, I...." Spon didn't know what to say.
"Just sign here and it's yours. I'll even pay you. Here." Ginjiv rifled through his pockets and gave Spon all his spare change.
"Of course. Do you have..."
A biro was thrust beneath Spon's nose. The Vice Chancellor took it and signed, releasing a sighed laugh from Ginjiv. "Enjoy the garden, and the small print. Make sure you return it to the Evil Institute by 9am." Mr Itis skipped down Spon's path and back home. Spon looked up to see Brick and Spiritwind sat on the wall across the road, back in their everyday clothing. They waved and offered a knowing nod before strolling away. Spon gave a hypnotised and slow motion wave in return before shutting the door.
"A full Dangsang (ten years) I've been trying to take over that garden and they do it in moments."
"Perhaps you'd better have a word with Dip Sing tomorrow. Tell him you may have found his future." Dollop spoke without facial expression. All his muscles were stunned into sitting still.
"I think we may have found all our futures." Spon headed into the living room for a glass of something more potent than tea while Brick and Spiritwind meandered back to the university, hoping to pass a disco and fried chicken outlet on the way. After all, it was the only reason they ever left Earth.
Contents
Chapter Seventeen
"Those two!"
"Yes."
"But they're idiots." Dip Sing had not taken the news of who Spon wished to turn in to the university's figureheads, well.
"I agree they do give off that impression, but somehow it works. They have a philosophy on Evil more akin to heroics, and we all know how successful they are." Spon held back on the news of their Good twins for now. He didn't want Dip to eat too much furniture in anger. They'd already spent the spring stationary allowance after Doolally's car insurance renewal came through.
"But they're idiots!"
"Yes. We've been through this point." Spon brought forth his example. "Do you remember my garden problem?"
"Garden?"
"I've spoken to you about it before. I've been trying to take-over my neighbour's garden ever since I moved in, couldn't even steal half a foot."
"Is the university liable for this at all?" Dip picked up his keyboard and prepared to chew.
"No." He put it back on the desk. "My point is I invited Dag and Corsetry over last night to see if they had any ideas that could help me out."
"Really? A party eh. Without me?"
"Party? No sir, nothing like that. The thing is, after being at my house for no longer than a drahaa they popped round to see my neighbour. Lo and behold if half a drahaa later he knocked on and paid me to take his garden from him, had a contract ready for me to sign."
"A contract, that is impressive?" Dip ate the keyboard anyway. It looked tasty.
"Exactly sir, which is why we shouldn't pass up this opportunity to claim the glory of the path they are destined for."
"I see what you are saying Spon, but we cannot hold them up as an example of what our institution stands for. I won't have it. They look silly. And that big one, I just want to punch him." Dip swallowed a biro and three packets of staples. The keyboard had whetted his appetite.
Spon looked dejectedly out of the window. It was exactly this self interested, short sightedness that constantly brought Evil down.
Dip broke the silence with a suggestion towards a compromise. Perhaps Dag and Corsetry were already beginning to have an effect on the ways of doom.
"Unless." The Chancellor stood. It felt like the next line needed it, that and the stroke of a chin and a faraway gaze. "Unless we can herald them posthumously?"
"We could, but what would we herald? Gaining a degree from our university just isn't that groundbreaking."
"Which is why you need to find something else, something that will spread across the ether, tickling interest in those who are yet to decide which path they wish to follow; we must entice the dithering, the unsure, anyone who thinks black, spiky outfits are cooler than figure hugging lycra."
"What could achieve such interest?" Spon watched as his attempts to change Evil for the better were usurped by an uplifting speech devoid of substance and detail.
"That is not a question to concern me, Dooliks. You're the head of strategy. Strategise. Concoct something that will make them famous, but leave them missing so we can build their reputations in their absence."
"Couldn't be simpler. I'll get right on it." Spon agreed with a sarcastic swipe and smile. Adding such complexity to something that could be so straightforward was exactly what he was working against. The Vice Chancellor turned to leave.
"And try and incorporate a shark beneath a trap door if you can." Dip spun on his chair, pressing his fingers together and cackling at his perceived brilliance.
"Why not!" 'Clichés never helped anyone.' Thought Spon. 'Unless you were a contestant on What Country Am I From and were faced with a beret wearing, stripy topped, onion salesman on a bike.'
With Spon gone, Dip continued to think. Could he really trust Spon to rid the universe of Dag and Corsetry once they had achieved whatever it was they would achieve? Spon appeared to have taken a genuine liking to the pair, and this shift in philosophy meant a great deal to him. In a university that promoted Evil, it wouldn't be the greatest shock if the Vice Chancellor used the duo's perceived powers to remove the current Chancellor and seize control of the institution. In fact, it was almost expected.
Dip felt it was only sensible to ensure Dag and Corsetry definitely disappeared from existence. He decided to arrange his own mission away from Spon's knowledge, but who could he get to carry out his orders? He needed someone with an equal vitriol towards the pair, someone who believed they would benefit from the Earthling's demise, someone who would do anything to earn favour in the eyes of the Chancellor.
It was the c.v. of practically every student on the megalomaniac course.
Contents
Chapter Eighteen
"Is it early?" Brick stood, half dressed, scratching his beard and trying to work out if his desire to go back to bed was justified.
"It looks dark out, but I think that's more due to the sinister air they insist on. Mousse?" Spiritwind offered the last scoop of the bowl of dessert he was using a breakfast.
"Oh no, just a pint of water for me."
Spiritwind finished his snack and wandered towards the bathroom to finish his daily cleansing routine. Brick continued to scratch his beard. He'd read somewhere that the follicles of chin hair were directly connected to the brain, and that caressing and waggling them shook the thought muscles in to action. At least he was sure he'd read it. Maybe he was spending too much time with They.
The klaxon to signal the first day of full training had long since sounded. The eager door of Bozo and Schmuk had slammed open and shut mere moments after it had finished. The thudding of wood on wood had served as an alarm for the heroic duo to wake up.
"Do we really have to go and study Evil for two weeks?" It was all Brick's beard had managed to stir from his mind.
"No." The air vent spoke with the voice of implied beauty.
"I don't know how you spoke like that buddy but please don't do it when I'm drunk and we're in the dark. I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship with complications of love."
Spiritwind could only look up from the bathroom sink, toothbrush blocking all speech.
"Use a montage." The air vent spoke agai
n. Brick wandered over to it.
"Do we get our very own inanimate object that speaks untold wisdom, like that lady with the mirror? If so, why aren't you something more accessible? Oh, and what are you doing later?"
"It's me, Nicole."
"And Suzy."
"Yes, and Suzy. We told you we'd be around."
"Have you been there all night, because I'd just like to point out that I don't always...."
"Your habits are your habits Brick. We're not here to judge." Nicole almost tittered.
"How is 'montage', advice?" Brick turned the subject away from his sleeping behaviour.
"Use a hero montage if you can't be bothered to go and study."
"How would we do that?" Spiritwind had finished brushing his teeth and joined in talking to the slats on the wall.
"You take this idiot thing all the way don't you? Such professionals." Nicole continued to be mistakenly impressed. "Usually it can be inspired by a tune on the radio or a wistful moment looking out to the horizon. Your mind will meander away to a trance like state, only living through pockets of scenes spanning the time you need to speed up. There'll be serious late night study moments interspersed with joyful tomfoolery, all relaxing its way back down to a scene demonstrating the end of a process."
"So you're saying if we put the radio on and find a relevant tune, time will pass quickly and we'll have gained all the knowledge we need?" Spiritwind had to be sure. Brick was already trying to work out how to put the wireless on.
"80's power ballads seem to work best." The vent threw further advice as Brick cycled through the channels.
Finding the beginning of a wholesome sounding piano tune, with a wisp of guitar, the pair nodded to each other, picked up their bags, and strolled purposefully towards the door, waving thanks towards the vent as they went. The music took over as the scene faded, quickly followed by another, twenty minutes in the future.
Brick and Spiritwind were sat at their desk in the megalomaniac lab, fully clothed and prepared for the day, the same music still echoing around the scene. The room was full and a teacher spoke while pointing at a board at the front. No words came out of his mouth, wherever his mouth may have been, but the room looked on intently, laughing in unison at a seemingly witty remark.
"How did we get here?" Brick whispered to Spiritwind. "And who dressed us?"
"No idea. I didn't think we were even in the corridor yet."
"I don't think we're staying here long. Is everything fading? Feels as though we're in two scenes at once?"
"Either that or my left and right eye, are fighting again........"
Brick found himself stood with a stick in his hand. A little old lady was within reach. The class were goading him to poke her, led by Bum-Raa. Brick wasn't sure about it and closed his eyes in the hope the montage would move on before he had to act on the mockery.
Opening one eye, Brick was treated to a scene of Bozo and Schmuk sharing a bag of roast giraffe necks with Jiggery and Yakkety. As the owners of the montage, Brick and Spiritwind could still see it being played out. Pleased he was no longer poking an old woman, Brick spoke. "That's nice. Good to see they're making friends."
Morphing into a scene inside a classroom, the assumed teacher at the front was holding his belly and cackling to the sky, again the sound replaced with the uplifting tune. The class of overlords copied, growing with confidence with each try. Bum-Raa's laugh was more of a scowl, aimed directly at Brick and Spiritwind. "I'm getting the feeling he doesn't like us." Brick continued to comment as an observer.
"It's a room filled with evil beings that want to work alone in taking over the universe. I don't think we get extra points for friends acquired." Spiritwind rebutted the commentary.
They weren't the only ones to notice. Dip Sing stood in the corner. His intrigue over Bum-Raa's dislike was accentuated with a lingering shot upon his thoughtful face.
The focus shifted up to an air vent, effortlessly sliding through the wall and inside the piping behind. Nicole and Suzy were busy observing all the observing, making notes concerning Dip. Brick hoped a shower scene would appear at some point.
The scene changed completely once more. The class were lined up on an ocean liner at sea, firing puppies from catapults out into the yonder. Bum-Raa could be seen fiddling with Brick and Spiritwind's flinging machine, only to be caught up in the mechanism and hurled out to sea himself. It was a welcome relief as everyone laughed. The dragon that was teaching the class flew off to retrieve him. Bum cursed the pair as he passed through the sky. Again, Dip could be seen in the background, paying attention to the obvious spat.
With everything changing, and the overlaying song reaching its chorus, Hugo Cortizone appeared amidst battle. He held a damsel in one arm while fighting off a two headed dog and its rider with nothing more than an envelope he'd come across.
"Nice of him to pop by and get involved in another of our adventures. Wonder how he'll steal the glory this time?" Spiritwind had to ask.
"Maybe he just owns the rights to all hero montages? Have to include at least one scene of him being great?" Brick put forward a scathing corporate theory.
"No. Something tells me he's going to show up at some point." Spiritwind relied on his intuition and a thoughtful stare.
A quick shot of the pair sat at a sewing machine, trying to untangle Brick's hair, merged into one of the duo playing dogfights with models of ships, under the disapproving watch of Tumbleweed Placebo; a walrus type figure you would never wish to annoy. Before the rebuke could be delivered they were sat in a library, looking longingly out of the window as their posture and position in the room changed with the suggestion of many days passing. The occasional burst of violence gave them something else to watch as students threw each other through the bookshelves.
Amidst a particular scuffle, the page of an encyclopaedia fell open to reveal a torture scenario. The view zoomed in and turned it to reality as the students stood around a table. Strapped to it was a hero doll, a giant laser pointing directly at it. Eleven Thirty lifted the doll's arm to show a concealed lock pick, then left it there and offered a goodbye speech, a cackle, and a slow, lingering exit with a further laugh.
The scene cut once more to find Spon sat at his desk at home, looking out at his new garden in the rain. He pondered on his problem, turning to his desk to see the copy of Hero Monthly staring back. He looked intently, clues trickling towards answers across his face. An expression of 'of course' grew into a grin as he sat back in his chair and smiled at the weight leaving his shoulders. He mouthed the name Hugo Cortizone, although Brick and Spiritwind failed to pick it up cleanly.
As the song slowed, an image of the class leaving a lecture squeezed in. Dip stood at the front before ushering Bum-Raa towards him. They disappeared towards his office as Brick and Spiritwind found themselves back in their own room. The music fading completely as the pair sat down.
"Has the music stopped or have I started to block it out?" Brick asked from the comfort of his bed.
"I think it has. I think that may be the montage over with. I didn't like the look of that last scene. Dip is definitely up to something with Bum-Braa." Spiritwind whipped out an 'end of montage' curly wurly, pleased at his new pun based nick name for their peer.
"At least Bozo and Schmuk have made friends." Brick continued to see only the positive.
"Looks like Spon's up to something too. It's all getting very intriguing this evil lark isn't it?"
Spiritwind was speaking to himself as only a snore travelled back to him. "Just me then." He satisfied his lonely pain with a crisp panini and a plum. Intriguing was just the start of it.
Contents
Chapter Nineteen
"Do you know why I've called you here, Bum-Raa?" Dip knew fine well that Bum-Raa didn't have a clue. He just thought while he had the upper hand he may as well milk it.
"No sir. I hope I haven't done anything wrong. I really want to be the best, I mean worst."
Dip turned on his c
hair to eek out the tension. "No, Bum-Raa. You haven't done anything wrong. Please, take a seat." Bum-Raa did as invited and sat opposite Dip at his desk. "I've noticed a certain displeasure you appear to have with Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload."
"Not so much displeasure as suspicion manifesting itself as hatred."
"Suspicion? In what way?" Dip leaned on his desk in curiosity.
"I'm not sure, but I've vowed to find out. There's something about them that doesn't add up. Do you know they don't even shout at their henchmen?"
"Really? That is odd." Dip remembered all the insults he'd faced and wished he'd had bosses that understanding.
"Apparently they treat them as friends, as equals. Ha."
Dip ate the arm of his chair in jealousy of such treatment, jarring Bum at the sudden burst of ferocity. "Then you should relish my proposal, Bum."
"Proposal?" Bum-Raa had never thought of the Chancellor in such a way, or any other man. Although marrying the chancellor of Evil University could be a great career move.
"Yes. Why are you looking at me with an air of dreaminess?" Dip shuffled uncomfortably.
"Was I? Sorry sir. Not intended." Bum shot to his best grimace.
"How would you like to throw a wonky cog in to Dag and Corsetry's final assessment?"
"Ah. You mean proposal as a suggestion of action?" Dip wondered if he had picked the right man after all. "Ahem. I'd be honoured." Bum regained his composure.
"On the day of the missions I want you to go to their planet instead of your own and activate the inbuilt heroes that live there. I'll supply you with the full dossier of their plan and a weapon that will wipe their co-operative ways from troubling our dimension ever again. You simply hand them to the two misguided fools that guard the forsaken planet. They'll know what to do."
"That would be marvellous sir. Only, what will happen to my own assignment?"
"I'll take care of that. Don't worry. You'd fail anyway; it's how the course runs. Don't want students getting used to success. We train you for reality not mumbo jumbo." Dip laughed to the ceiling. Bum saw the perfect opportunity to put his recently learned Evil cackle in to use. Pointing his face upwards he unleashed it. It felt so natural. Bum could definitely feel his career blooming, and all without having to marry anyone.