by Paul Vayro
A knock interrupted the pair's extended chortle. Dip was pleased. It was beginning to grow awkward. He leaned over the desk before addressing the visitor. "This remains strictly between us two. Nobody else is to know, especially not the Vice Chancellor." Dip pulled his most threatening stare from his past arsenal. "Nobody!"
"No sir. Not even mother." Bum felt uncomfortable. Maybe he wasn't as ready for such high level Evil as he thought.
Dip reverted to his everyday scowl and barked at the door. "Who?"
"It's Spon Dooliks sir. I've come about the thing we were discussing."
"Ah yes. Come in Spon. Bum-Raa, I'll be in touch." Bum-Raa slid off the chair a little dejected, unsure if they were now friends or not.
"Oh. Okay then. Thank you for this opportunity. I will not fail you."
Spon and Bum-Raa passed each other, swapping confusion through nods as they did.
"Problem?" Spon enquired as to Bum's presence.
"Not at all; just needed to have a word. So, you have a plan?"
"Yes." Spon was instantly suspicious. He'd also picked up on Bum's dislike of Dag and Corsetry. It was the only common ground he could think the student and Chancellor shared. For now he ignored it, waited for the student to leave the room, and revealed his plan. "What if we get Dag and Corsetry to defeat Hugo Cortizone, film it, and then release it across the uninet?"
"What a good idea Spon; except if it was that easy to lure Hugo to his doom it would have been done a long time ago." Dip ate the other arm of his chair in frustration at Spon's ridiculous thought.
"Obviously I don't mean the actual Hugo Cortizone. We get someone of similar size and skill to dress up as him, wear a full Hugo suit, then pretend to attack Dag and Corsetry and let them win. We can film it on a dodgy recording device from a distance so nobody spots the seams."
"Oh." Dip considered regurgitating the arm. "That is far more feasible. I like that idea a lot." Dip sat back and contemplated further. "Didn't that new henchman trainer say he'd fought Hugo?"
"Dollop, yes he has." Spon always had Dollop in mind but felt it wise to let Dip presume he was adding something to the mission.
"Do you think he could mimic his fighting style?"
"We can ask him."
"It doesn't say anywhere in his contract that he's exempt from such duties does it?"
"I can check." Spon couldn't stop grinning. One of his plans was about to be approved. He'd come up with a practically applicable idea for once. Dag and Corsetry were positively infectious.
"Then let's put this into action, Spon." Dip stood up and offered his paw to shake.
"Thank you, sir." Spon shook his hand and left excitedly.
Dip was left alone in his office to consider how well things were going; wishing he'd taken up cigar smoking when he'd had the chance, or even just bought a few so he could sit with one in his mouth. He swallowed a letter opener instead. It was a futile device in the modern era of electronic communication, anyway.
Contents
Chapter Twenty
Hugo Cortizone sped away from the planet Chameleon, having vanquished the attempts of Caustic Velour to enslave its people. He looked back on the memory of his departure, crowds lining the streets to his craft, cheering and applauding. It filled him with a level of smugness only his ego could rival. What he didn't know was the fate that followed for the little planet.
As the euphoria settled alongside the dust, the natives were left to clean up the destruction Hugo's epic battle had created. The capital city of a planet with only one habitable country had been nigh on demolished, and it left the majority of the population unemployed and homeless. With nobody to blame they would slowly turn on each other, and three hundred years of civil war would erupt. Eventually, those that hadn't been killed would wonder why they were continuing to fight over gravel and farce, build a spaceship, and abandon the increasingly futile rock, leaving it to be reclaimed by the flora and occasional insect.
Fortunately for Hugo, he was oblivious to any consequence beyond his perfect nose. He preferred to live in an imagined reality where statues of his rippling bulk would be built in his honour, and every third child would be named after him.
Beaming effortlessly, his call to inform Velos 19 (the home of hero admin) of his latest victory was coming to an end.
"Don't mention it. Knowing that safety has returned is all the thanks I need. The gifts and material goods that are stacked neatly in my hull are merely memories of the lives I've saved, and I cherish every single one of those rescued heart beats. Signing out." The operator remained in a dreamy trance for the rest of the morning, spilling coffee all over his arm and leaving him with a permanent scar. He named it Hugo.
"Hugo." The ultimate hero's ship spoke boldly to its owner.
"What is it Chieftain old buddy? Say the words and my assistance is yours."
"I've located the craft you ask me to keep a constant scan for."
"Really?" An element of fluster entered the great one's tone. Hugo had something of a crush on Nicole and Suzy and liked to be alerted to the chance to pay them a visit. The fact they continued to spurn him only increased his desire.
"And it's in a location you'd be more than socially justified in visiting." The essence of a wink wandered through the craft.
"Release this information forth." Hugo stood. The news may require a dramatic sit down.
"Wanton Pleasure is at The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings."
"Gadzooks, Chieftain." Hugo used his sitting down option. "You mean the most honourable and delightful Nicole Extravaganza and Suzy Fantastic could be in trouble?"
"It's not for me to say, but heroes at an Evil University can only mean trouble, a secret mission, or they're on the turn."
"They would never turn. Their beauty would not allow it. They are far too wholesome. There's not a sniff of an Evil 'whisk me away in your metallic stallion, cowboy' glint in their eye; mores the pity." Hugo stood once more and stroked his chin. "We must investigate, Chieftain."
"Already set the co-ordinates."
"We are justified in paying this visit, aren't we? Doesn't make me look weird or needy? They seemed to think I was intruding when I gate-crashed that hen-do they were on."
"You're the greatest hero alive. Anybody would be honoured for you to gate-crash their lives."
"You're a fine ship Chieftain, fitting for a hero of my stature. To destiny." Chieftain did an unnecessary roll and sped off towards university. Hopefully there would be enough parking spaces free.
*********
"So we take him in three days, the morning everyone sets off on their missions? The general fuss and confusion means he won't be missed. And if we've read the relationship correctly, Spon Dooliks will assume the role of Chancellor without hesitation, and cover up Dip's disappearance in order to avoid any awkward questions or challenges to his promotion." Nicole spelt out the pair's conclusions and intentions. "And with no-one around until the assignments are complete, we'll have oodles of time to make our escape." Nicole let relaxation take hold as the duo prepared for an evening on their ship, relaxing with trash telly and a table-sized bar of chocolate.
"Sounds good. Through the air vent, quick swap of monologues, tie him up, get out of there." Suzy offered the procedure in a series of simple yet intimidating sentences.
"Perfection." Nicole had put her favourite pyjamas on and poured a hot chocolate with sprinkles of orange and mint. She sat with the satisfaction of a job going well, and a lady about to watch her favourite soap.
Nicole's first sip was interrupted by the screen flickering, pausing, then a voice appearing over the moment Sandra was about to find out her husband was a cheating swine. "Excuse me ladies. Erm, it's the planet's security system here, so sorry to interrupt you like this."
"Our anger depends on why you've done it." The playful monkeys across her nightwear stole something of Nicole's intimidation.
"Somebody has burst through my defences. Told me Evil has no place a
sking Good anything then shot my laser system clean out. Should I tell anybody about this?"
"Hugo." Nicole knew instantly.
"What does he want, other than a slap?" Suzy readied her twitches.
"We know what he wants. I wonder what excuse he's got to cover up his sordid intentions this time." Nicole turned her attention back to the security system. "Do you have a self repair mechanism?"
"Yes I do. When you say Hugo, do you mean the Great Cortizone?" The security system got excited.
"Unfortunately so."
"My word, wait until I tell all the other systems I was attacked by the great one. I can see why he has such a reputation. I didn't stand a chance."
"You just get on with fixing yourself. There's no need to tell anyone what's going on. We'll sort Hugo out."
"Okay. Oh. The genius has only gone and blown up my self-fixing circuits too. What a move. Guess I can do it manually. What craftsmanship."
The television programme started again, only without the essence of relaxation it had been greeted with previously. The pair changed back into their hero suits and awaited the inevitable knock. It didn't take long to come.
************
Nicole opened the door. "What is it, Hugo?"
The burst of surprise and jazz hands he'd prepared were frozen before they could get going. "You knew?"
"We're not amateurs, Hugo. We know how to secure a planet we're on, especially when we're here in secret." Nicole ushered him inside.
"So you are on a mission?" Hugo entered the living area of Wanton Pleasure and paced in a faux, distracted manner; sniffing the air in bold gulps of honour.
"We are, and it's going perfectly fine without you." Suzy kept her arms folded as she battled her twitches from her still seated position on the sofa.
"Maybe a little grade five perspective on things can take it from fine to, crikey Moses this is good." The grin he gave was illegal in four sectors of the known universe, all for inspiring vomit in anyone that saw it.
"We already have a grade five perspective on things." Nicole spoke, keeping one eye on Suzy and her mood. Suzy resented being forced out of her pyjamas and back in to uniform, as the Mayor of one saved city found out on his own surprise visit to their craft. They never did find all his toes.
"What? When did you....." Hugo presumed the ladies had secured a promotion, and panicked. Wooing grade five females took a whole separate skill set.
"Not us. Two of the heroes that saved the universe with you are here too. They're on the megalomaniac course, undercover." Nicole retained her superior attitude.
Hugo instantly calmed. "With me?" He had wiped any memory of anyone else from that mission from his mind, except for Fayre Maiden, who would forever be the anchor in his heart.
"Yes. Computer." The computer had been listening and displayed the cover of Hero Monthly, highlighting Brick and Spiritwind.
"Ah, of course. I see the training I gave them has proved invaluable." Hugo placed his hands on his hips.
"You taught them, because they're practically the anti-you." Nicole wasn't overly convinced.
"Which is nice." Suzy threw in a dig and a glare. It winded Hugo momentarily.
"Sometimes, Nicole, merely being in my presence enhances the power and skill of a hero. They don't necessarily have to become a copy of me, which is fortunate as science has declared my skill unique in the history of living tissue." A moment flexing was essential after such a comment. "No, the closer a hero gets to my brute force, the more potent the lesson." Hugo sleazed his way across the room with a suggestive raise of an eyebrow.
Nicole sat down next to Suzy, ensuring there was no conceivable space for the randy lump to join them on the sofa. The bulky hero turned, thwarted, and continued to lecture. "I can only offer the finely enhanced tools to my pupils, how each individual applies them to the wart known as Evil is a choice even my greatness cannot make." He looked in to his fist. It had no idea what he wanted. "So what is their plan? Get all that potential Evil into one room and unleash a thwacking? That's what I'd do, and I'd enjoy every pinch and thump."
"No. They're more subtle than that; being more intelligent about the whole thing." Nicole picked up a magazine to accentuate how little she cared about Hugo.
"Of course, my intelligence is also passed down......"
Nicole put the magazine down with a huff and a thud. She was done with chit-chat. "We appreciate the visit Hugo, but is there anything specifically we can help you with?"
"I.......well...." Hugo was thrown. He was there to help them, he helped everybody, people wanted to be helped by him.
"Only we've got a mission to be getting on with in the morning and we just wanted to relax before an early night."
"You can take that shimmer out of your eye too. You won't be anywhere near our sleeping bodies." Suzy clenched her fist.
"I thought you may wish to be cooked for. I have a fine slab of Hobstratter (An animal the size of a hippo, built entirely from ready cooked pork crackling). Got some wine too. Swiped it from Evil. What do they know abo....."
"I think the early night is all we need. We're very tired." Nicole's angered face contained no hint of sleepiness.
"Yawn." Suzy flatly spoke the word with no supporting body language, her foot tapping, increasingly quickly.
"As I'm here it would surely be a crime not to use such talents." Hugo's calf muscle did a vague dance of honour.
"It's only a bit of observing and taking notes. The two heroes on the front line are the ones doing all the work." Nicole stood to begin ushering the unwanted guest towards the door.
"I excel in observation, and my notes hang in museums from here to as far as light has touched surface."
"You really don't have to." Nicole raised a flippant hand. She was growing weary of being polite about things.
"You really don't!" Suzy folded her arms even tighter.
"None of us have to, but as heroes we choose to. It's what sets us apart from the folk who just aren't as good. What leaves us...."
"If I say we may see you in the morning will you stop talking and leave?" Nicole put her hands on her hips, her tone more obvious than a pregnant stick insect.
"I shall spend the night in training, observing the very air if needs be."
"Well, you enjoy that." Nicole didn't know what else to say to such a statement. Luckily they'd reached the open door. A gentle touch of the arm saw the gurning lump outside of the craft. She closed the portal before Hugo could turn in the vague hope of a goodnight kiss. Only faint words trickled through.
"I'll be here for you.....always."
Nicole returned to the living area and sat down, trying to avoid Suzy's look of disappointment.
"I only said we may see him in the morning. I didn't promise anything."
"Care to bet your solar flare gloves on him not being here?" Irritation seeped through her words.
"I'm trying to kid myself, not lose my favourite hero accessory." Nicole got up to put her pyjamas back on, Suzy followed.
Meanwhile, Hugo entered his own craft and declared to Chieftain how much the females loved him. It appeared no matter what grade hero you were, the ability to read women could not be learnt.
Contents
Chapter Twenty-One
Spon walked across the henchman training field, the day's classes over. Dollop had remained behind to clear up the littered equipment, although he was taking a break from the tidying and beating a tank to a pulp. It was always nice to know you still had it.
As he leapt on to the turret, bending the gun as he went, he found himself facing the approaching Vice Chancellor.
"Evening." Dollop sent his greeting as he tore the gun clean from the vehicle.
"Yes, it is." Spon wasn't sure on the etiquette for such a situation.
Dollop flung the gun half a mile towards the university and skipped down. "Just a little private workout, hope you don't mind?"
"Not at all." Spon was in no position to start an argument as Dollo
p's heaving bulk towered above him. "You need to keep the muscles pumped. Only like me reading books I suppose." The academic added a nervous laugh as punctuation. "So, I've spoken to Dip about our friends, Dag and Corsetry." Spon winced as the tank's entire left hand side collapsed in response to a kidney punch from the behemoth.
"There's far more to come from that sentence, isn't there?" Dollop stopped destroying the tank and turned towards the speaker.
"I do love the fact you pick up on my subtleties of tone." Spon gave himself a moment of appreciation for the growing bond between the pair. "Dip has agreed to use Dag and Corsetry as his new figureheads, but he wants them to be heralded posthumously. I have to create a universe wide buzz around them, but make them disappear in the process."
"Good old Evil. Just when a plan can be simple it steps in and adds the need for a trap door above a pit of eternal worms or something."
"That's what I said, only under my breath and without the reference to eternal worms. Do they even exist?"
Dollop's face suggested not only did they exist but he had the scars to prove it. "I presume this is where I come in?" Dollop took a firm grip on the hulk of metal that used to be a tank and began dragging it back to the equipment hut, or hangar if you believe in size determining labels.
"It is. I propose to film Dag and Corsetry defeating Hugo Cortizone......" The tank came to a halt as Dollop stood still. The chance to avenge his tormentor still held some merit, even if it had ceased driving him since spending time as the hero's prison guard. ".......from a distance, and release it across the uninet. The evil pair's journey from the planet will be the last anybody sees of them as they mysteriously disappear. I'll allow the conspiracy theorists the chance to explain where they went, increasing their legend, whilst I secretly house them at the university until Dag realises they are needed in the flesh."
"So, do you need me to help capture Hugo?" Dollop prepared himself for a fourth meeting.
"No, no, no Dollop. I need you to be Hugo." Spon felt he'd achieved the tone of the reveal to perfection. Dollop twitched. It knocked a wheel from the tank off towards the horizon.
"Me. Be Hugo Cortizone." Dollop let the idea sink in. It had always been his belief he could have been a hero were it not for his appearance. He matched them in every physical asset and ability. This could be his chance to try.