Ying, Yang and Ambivalence

by Paul Vayro

  "Disapp..."

  "Yes, disappearance; making me the new Chancellor, so I ask you again, why are you here interfering with Dag and Corsetry's mission when you should be on your own failure to capture the Earth?"

  "I....well.....it's like this......." With nowhere to turn the student sought solace in unfounded blame and a strop. "This is your fault." Bum lunged towards Other Brick and Other Spiritwind, nearly spilling Other Spiritwind's bowl of ice-cream. With no hero powers for the Earth based duo to fall back on, Nicole stepped forward and spun Bum away from his onslaught.

  "Jiggery, Yakkety, attack." Bum yelped as he fell to the ground. Checking his hand he found the silver tube he'd been aiming to swipe from Other Brick's neck. With the dimensionator in his possession he satisfied himself with an understated cackle and waited for his moment.

  The two henchmen tore through their suits and grimaced their imposing bulk in the direction of Nicole and Suzy. Bozo and Schmuk instantly recognised the pair from their class, and suddenly realised how two randomly passing joggers had happened to know so many choke throws.

  Suzy held out her hand to assure Nicole that she'd deal with it, then grinned back at the rippling duo in a manner that would see her sedated and sectioned should she do it within hospital grounds, her twitching eye only confirming it to be the right decision.

  Before either henchman could launch a punch, Suzy leapt on to her hands, between the two giants, performed the splits and spun, thrusting herself back in to the air. Each student of mischief received seven quick kicks to the face before stumbling backwards and shaking their heads. They were no match for a grade three hero.

  Jiggery composed himself and leapt hands first at Suzy. Yakkety reacted in the same manner from the opposite direction. A beginner's error as they duly discovered when Suzy simply ducked and rolled backwards, leaving the naughty duo to collide and collapse upon each other. Dollop wondered if they'd listened to anything he'd taught them. He was too pleased with his own recent achievement to get involved in any new battles and settled in as an observer. Everyone else wondered why Dag and Corsetry had spent money on bouncers when their barmaids were harder than a Sudoku with only one starting number.

  Leaping upon the resulting pile of henchman, Suzy wasted no time in unleashing a flurry of hits and locks, leaving the pair unconscious and tied up by their own limbs. She skipped down from the mound of petulance, wiping her hands and calming her face; however, the distraction of battle had given Bum the time he needed to work out how to switch the dimensionator on. He stood up with a little bounce of delight and prepared for his own moment in the spotlight.

  "Now we shall see justice. Stand back. This thing is set for a land where the only seats are nails and only one bed exists, and it's eternally on fire." Brick considered the merits of a fire blanket and how long a doze you could manage beneath it. "The only thing to eat is mud and the women are indistinguishable from vomit. It shall be your new kingdom, Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." Bum laughed and fired the beam, then fell over as a result of Nicole's fist striking his jaw. His beard cracked, a half inch chunk falling to the ground as his body impacted the floor, leaving a bald patch as Brick and Spiritwind disappeared in a green haze. Everyone released the gasp they'd been holding from earlier, except for Other Brick, who tutted and raised his finger in remembrance of his task.

  "What have you done?" Spon fell to his knees, keeping the camera focused on the spot where Dag and Corsetry had previously stood. Even in anguish the shot was his first concern. "You buffoon."

  Hugo began to stir with perfect timing, rocks falling from his chest.

  "We should leave, Spon." Dollop saw the re-animation of the ultimate hero and knew what to do. As proud as he was of his victory, he knew not to grow too bold and push it. "Bozo, Schmuk; I suggest you return to the university with us."

  "Okay." They'd been trained well by Dollop and understood their overlord's defeat meant the loss of everything. Standing around and fighting the hero to the death was futile. You just had to head back to the job centre the following week and start all over again.

  They offered a brief wave to Nicole, Suzy, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind; and patted the pile of sleeping henchmen they'd befriended, as they trundled towards their ship.

  "But what about Dag and Corsetry?" Spon was still on his knees.

  "They're gone, for now at least." Dollop considered talking in such a manner forever. "We have the footage and their memory. We can still change Evil in their honour."

  "I suppose so; may be for the best after all." Spon relinquished his emotion, stood up, and fled towards their ship. "They were a little flaky."

  Nicole and Suzy looked around the increasingly emptying hill. It would take a pie chart and a two hour presentation to work out what had occurred and the potential consequences for Good and Evil. Instead, they focused on the present and began removing some of the smaller chunks of rubble from the emerging Hugo. Other Brick and Other Spiritwind kicked a few pebbles out of the way. Bum, Jiggery and Yakkety remained comatose and entangled, respectively.

  "By thunder and flames, what happened?"

  "You got knocked out." Other Brick saw it as the only way he could help.

  "Hugo Cortizone. Knocked out? I think not son. You must be mistaking me for a bad guy that came across my path." Hugo grinned, everyone felt awkward.

  "That was you, just then, lay under all those rocks with your eyes shut?" Other Brick saw an easy argument to win.

  "It's hard to say." Hugo stood, woozily, and dusted himself down. "The last few moments of life are beyond my memory for now."

  "Because you were knocked out." Other Brick turned to his nodding friend. "Am I making this all up and he's actually right?"

  "He is very convincing."

  "Nicole, Suzy. Why is this man persisting in such myths?" Hugo turned to the ladies. He thought he may as well try for a sympathetic cuddle.

  "Well, you were a little bit unconscious for a while there." As much as Nicole tired of Hugo's ways she didn't wish to destroy him, although she had no intention of cuddling him either.

  "Then it must have been time to replenish my energy. Small naps, that's me; wouldn't want to deprive the universe of such wonder for too long." He flexed. Other Brick began to doubt his own mind. "Time to continue saving.......what was I saving?" Hugo stuttered around the hilltop, clueless as to why.

  "It's saved, Hugo. All sorted, tidied up the last few bits while you had your nap. Where are you parked?" Nicole humoured the warrior while guiding his stumbles towards the direction he wafted, in.

  "Excellent, another jab in the ribs of Evil complete. Makes me so proud I could.....what could I do?" Hugo turned to Nicole with a query and prepared his arms for any incoming hugs.

  "Take a thousand photos and send them to everyone you know?" It was the best she had as Chieftain appeared with a shimmer. Full reveal went beyond normal protocol, but after what had just happened, nobody could be sure any of the laws of the universe remained in place.

  "Why a thousand when this finger could click a million times!" Hugo tried to stand boldly. It merely reminded his body of the jelly-like nature of his knees. Suzy grabbed his other side to aid her friend. "My two favourite girls, I knew we'd be together in the end."

  "Maybe another slap will bring him round." Suzy commented as they approached the ramp of his ship.

  "Now that we're a team, where should Evil cower next?"

  "Team; I thought you always worked alone?" Suzy had a point.

  "For you I'd give up every principle I own, which isn't as many as my marketing dept claim. That goes for you too, my butter darling." The gurning face turned between both ladies, forgetting to close its mouth and dribbling pathetically as they approached Chieftains' opening.

  The two female heroes propped Hugo against the doorframe then stepped back down the ramp. The ultimate being had a parting monologue to share as Chieftain's engines strummed in to life.

  "It's been an honour, one we shall be
sure to laugh heartily over one fine banquet from today. These times shall be scrawled across the faces of Evil, to remind them every time their dastardly reflection catches their gaze: we are Good, and we shall follow you until your demise." Hugo's fist trembled as his eyes closed and he fell backwards like an iron plank, the door closing to hide the exposed soles of his feet.

  Chieftain hovered, released a jet of fire for effect, and disappeared towards the increasingly night sky, worrying a few sheep along the way.

  "Can I just clarify; he was knocked out wasn't he?" Other Brick had to be sure he wasn't inventing things again.

  "Of course he was, the big oaf; about time too." Nicole was unapologetic.

  "I just wish I could have got a dig in at some point." Nobody doubted the truth in Suzy's words.

  "Good. For a moment there I thought I was having a relapse." Other Brick rubbed his chest in relief.

  "What do we do with this lot?" Other Spiritwind pointed to the littered bad guys: Bum, Yakkety and Jiggery.

  "Leave them here. They'll find their way back to wherever they need to go, no doubt with plans of vengeance in mind. Bad guys always do." Nicole linked arms with Other Brick. "We've got more important things to do, like kill three days until the new leaders of Evil return." The wink almost put Other Brick in a love coma.

  "What happens in three days?" Other Brick wondered why nobody mentioned forever.

  "That's when the dimensionator will bring Brick and Spiritwind back here." Nicole rubbed Other Brick's hair. He lost the power of speech.

  "Those guys are called Brick and Spiritwind too?" Other Spiritwind looked towards Suzy. He looked away quickly, she was still twitching slightly.

  "There's so much you don't know. Just makes me want to read a book to you in a sultry manner." Suzy swept the bald, confused man into her arms and carried him away towards sheer delight. Other Spiritwind panicked at how well things were going with a woman. He knew it had to go wrong soon, but contented himself in denial for the time being.

  The universe looked on trying to convince itself the balance between Good and Evil had been restored, although an irritating itch had emerged in the form of Brick and Spiritwind. Their straddling of the divide would no doubt need an ointment at some point.

  Contents

  Chapter Forty Three

  "I'll miss the pie boats." Spiritwind stepped through the door opened by the dimensionator, back on to Noel Hill.

  "You should have brought one with you." Brick replied with a satisfied face upon his shoulders.

  "Why would you suggest that now and not ten minutes ago?"

  "Only just thought of it." It was both valid and the truth.

  "Welcome back." Nicole realised they weren't going to spot her, Suzy, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind, so made her presence known.

  "Nicole. You didn't need to sit here for endless days, pining for our return." Brick opened his body language, making it clear he was open to a hug and a snog if it was going.

  "We didn't. We've been in the pub. Had a great time. Only got here ten minutes ago."

  "Oh. You can pretend you know."

  "So, how was it?" Nicole moved things along.

  "It was a marvel." Brick flexed his hands in preparation for story mode. "Gravy rivers supporting pie boats, giant pillows as cars, houses made of regenerating marshmallow, ladies with a penchant for beards." Both men stroked their hairy chins in remembered wonder, and confusion at how they'd still managed to ruin every chance they'd had with a female.

  "Sounds great." Nicole was merely being polite and had no real interest in their jaunt. Believing the pleasant interest box had been ticked, she moved on. "So, you'll be pleased to know your plan is working perfectly, and at quite a pace."

  "Really?" Brick was hoping for a good, long sit while things progressed slowly.

  "Yes. Your names and faces, well your names more than your faces, or rather your pseudonyms, are now synonymous with Evil across the universe." Nicole opened up her wrist screen and touched it. It enlarged to a decent sized portable, and displayed images from HeroTV.

  "So nothing that actually relates to the real us is known across the universe?" Brick interpreted his familiar lack of fame.

  "You're right." Nicole mistook Brick's disappointment as part of a wider plan working perfectly. "You really do cover your tracks well. Genius." The fiery glare just made Brick wince at what he'd missed out on. Nicole gave Other Brick a kiss on the cheek to release the desire that had been stirred inside her.

  Spon had indeed been busy in the days that had passed. He'd edited the hilltop battle and invited all the big, and small, names in Evil to the University's Cavern of Chaos for its presentation. He'd had the whole ceremony filmed under the guise of a spy sneaking in and capturing 'secret' footage of the event, then released it to numerous media outlets, including the Hero's very own channel.

  Brick and Spiritwind watched the screen as a statue was unveiled, depicting the imposing bulk of Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload. Spiritwind looked down at his average body and wondered if every mirror he'd ever used was broken. The statue's ample beards reached halfway down their impossibly muscular chests, exaggerated scars ran across their hardened, and somewhat enlarged, faces. The tusks were outright excessive. They were unrecognisable as the duo that watched on from a hill on an Earth.

  "Is that what I actually look like? No wonder I never pull." Brick squinted for a better view.

  "At least we won't be recognised back at the Guild." Spiritwind found an instant plus, and the bubble gum within his ten pence mix-up.

  "The Guild don't recognise us anyway." Brick countered with truthful woe.

  The tall hero's focus returned to Nicole's arm. Spon appeared on the stage, leading the applause as footage of the prone Hugo played across a gargantuan screen behind him. It looped back round to shots from the battle. Extensive editing had succeeded in giving the appearance that the muscled up Dag and Corsetry had defeated the heroic wonder.

  Spon had spliced footage of the duo's initial battle, with Dollop disguised as Hugo, with the henchman's victory over the genuine merchandising goliath. The new, battle hardened versions of them had been electronically dubbed over their meagre frames whenever they appeared on camera, equally replacing Dollop when his body had been on the end of a victorious strike; Spon's message was infinitely more important than the truth.

  Standing in front of the images, Spon signalled for the raucous crowd to quieten down so he could continue talking. His voice carried through the inferior speaker system attached to Nicole's wrist, losing the treble bass he'd so carefully applied.

  "Sadly, our two new hopes were cast away to another dimension. Betrayed by the very Evil they were trying to progress." The Chancellor turned to the moment Dag and Corsetry were struck by the dimensionator, focusing on Bum-Raa as he fired the ray. "Jealousy, one of our greatest traits, was turned against us. Some just couldn't handle the limelight being stolen from them and had to act." Gasps and growls intermingled to create the room's reaction.

  "We must learn from this. As much as we have to heed the message not to take our eyes from our opponents, even if a hearty cackle to the sky seems like the right thing to do....." Everyone murmured in shock. Hearty cackles to the sky at the moment of perceived victory were part of the movement's very foundation. "....We must also learn that fighting against each other will only bring us tumbling from within, without even the faintest strike from Good." Spon hung his head in expected drama. It just confused everybody. Nobody was ready for such hero-esque behaviour just yet.

  "We know not where or when these two giants of Evil were sent, but we know in our hearts they will return, one day, to fill in the gaps they left. Until then I have been placed in charge of their notes, their prized dossier, and all their recorded mumblings. There is enough to keep their memory burning and their ways to be taught. Their approach to the task in hand has shown results we have never dared to dream of, and in the path they have cut we shall walk with our intimida
ting shaped swords held high. So sign up to The Evil University of Mean and Dastardly Doings, today." A raised fist sent the cavern into rapturous growls and chants before a standard scuffle broke out towards the back. Spon noted the brawl as he left the stage, muttering to himself as he went. "Slowly but surely, slowly but surely." Nicole closed the television.

  "And you say this has been seen across the universe?" Brick wondered if things had gone too far.

  "Everywhere. It's been taken as a declaration of war by The Guild. Hugo's furious. Have you seen the state of his hair underneath that rubble?"

  "It could do with a brush." Brick couldn't lie.

  "So what's next, Dag and Corsetry?" The nudge and smirk from Nicole suggested they were now crime fighting buddies.

  Brick had nothing but an open mouth and the remnants of a bacon bush in his teeth. Spiritwind spoke instead. "For now we must return to our home planet and ponder. Things have escalated quicker than we expected. We need to react as much as dictate." Spiritwind held his noble pose in the hope the words would suffice.

  "You're off for a nap and a holiday aren't you?" Nicole understood.

  "Want to come with us?" Brick thought it was worth a try, quickly wondering where was cheap to book at this time of year.

  "No. I think we're going to stay here for a while, until the romance of the adventure wears off and we decide the relationships we've started aren't going to last for some tenuous reason that means we can't appear in any sequel."

  "You're emotionally cold. I like that in a woman." Brick considered throwing in a wink, but decided to try playing hard to get instead.

  Spiritwind couldn't handle any further poor attempts at flirting and made his own decision. "I feel our adventure has come to its natural conclusion. Anybody else sense this is a goodbye moment?"

  "I'd struggle to argue against it. Although you will be in touch with the next stage of the plan, won't you?" Nicole had been led on before.

  "Once we know, you'll know." Spiritwind just wanted his sofa. Plans to bring down Evil barely registered on his priorities list, or would do once he'd written one out.

  "I'll hold you to that." Suzy shook hands along with a stare that would make Spiritwind check under his bed every night for a month.