Ying, Yang and Ambivalence

by Paul Vayro

  "Okay then." Spiritwind went to shake hands with Other Brick and Other Spiritwind, but they were still lost in a daydream about women actually liking them enough to stick around for several days. They shared a social glance that said everything they needed to.

  Spiritwind walked towards an open patch of hill and whispered towards Magic for a clue on his whereabouts. An armchair flickered into view and then disappeared, set to its slowest setting so as not to repeat Brick's earlier incompetence.

  Brick offered actual words to Other Brick and Other Spiritwind. Having said goodbye to himself before, he approached the conversation with the nonchalance he felt. "Goodbye Other Brick and Other Spiritwind. I know your confusion and general attitude to life means you need nothing more than a mild see you later."

  They still had little more than a nod and a dawning of realisation in the corner of their eye, although it was entirely unclear what they were realising.

  "Oh, before you go." Nicole stopped Brick as he began his stroll. He bit his lip in belief playing hard to get had worked, although far quicker than he expected, and that he was about to receive a declaration of love. "You should take this. You out-rank us, and it is your mission." Nicole held out the dimensionator.

  "Oh. Thanks." Brick would definitely have preferred a kiss to a cylindrical tube with the power to control dimensions.

  He turned, dejectedly, and wandered towards the armchairs, preparing an ambivalently cool tone to leave as his last impression with the ladies. A pivot on one foot was accompanied by a pointing finger. "Nicole, Suzy, we'll be in touch." The finger never got the chance to click its fictitious trigger as a chair scooped him up before he was ready. The panicked waving as he disappeared into the hull gave the entirely opposite impression he'd been aiming for.

  The duo set off for home without the fried chicken they'd initially set out for, but they returned with a new qualification, a fresh mission to chase, and a shiny, dimension transporting toy to play with. In truth, they'd have been happier with a box of battered birds and an anecdote about the failed wooing of an entire dance-floor of ladies.

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  Chapter Forty Four

  "So this is what success feels like. I believe we should start to get used to this, Vice Chancellor." Spon sat at his desk, Dollop in front of him. Every newspaper from the surrounding galaxies was sprawled across his work station, clips from endless news channels playing on the screens around the room; all heralding the new faces of Evil: Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload.

  "Let's not forget that presumed success is at the core of Evil's past errors." Dollop tried to keep the Chancellor grounded and away from slipping back into failed Evil ways straight away.

  "Of course, Dollop. It's just exciting to see something working for once."

  "It hasn't worked until it's finished. We mustn't forget that. That's why I didn't hesitate when Hugo went down. In the past I'd have savoured the moment, paused to tease his defeated eyes, and that's when Good strikes. We must not believe a little media frenzy to be reality."

  "You're quite the philosopher, Dollop, and a lovely way with words." Spon was pleased to see his choice of assistant fruiting so well.

  "I'm just used to how these things work. You're never closer to defeat than when celebrating victory."

  "Then let us rejoice, only slightly." As much Spon liked his new compatriot, he was proving to be slightly on the pessimistic side. The Chancellor worried he may not be able to fully enjoy the jelly pies he'd ordered.

  "But keep one eye open for tomorrow." Dollop gazed out of the window, wondering if his retirement to a mountain retreat had moved a little further down the path of life.

  "I like that. If we can translate that in to Latin we may have a slogan right there; it's both understated and aware." Spon scribbled the words on paper before they could be forgotten. "You see. Old Evil wouldn't be thinking about slogans; too wrapped up in pillaging and fighting over chicken legs."

  A knock emanated from the door.

  "Enter." Dollop prepared to attack, should it be needed. It wouldn't be beyond heroics to have faked the whole hilltop episode, and for Hugo to stroll in to reveal one final twist. It wasn't, as Bozo and Schmuk emerged.

  "You asked to see us." Bozo spoke for the pair.

  "I did. As you were there at the beginning of all this I feel your coincidental timing should be rewarded. We may now find ourselves the focus of Good. It would be prudent to up security. How would you like to be the guards that stand at my door?"

  "Us?" Schmuk could hardly believe it.

  "Really?" They both knew that standing outside the boss's door was one of the highest positions available in the Evil world, aside from direct by-your-side-every-day guard. They would still be inevitably defeated, should a hero creep in to the lair, but their demise would be swift and unseen as the hero would be eager to get past them and commence the final showdown. Sometimes the hero would avoid them altogether and fly through a window instead, or they'd be replaced at the last moment by a guard with a specialist fighting style and a particular grudge. Either way, it was more than they ever expected.

  "Who better?" Spon awaited acceptance.

  "We'd love to."

  "Here, take these and start whenever you're ready." Spon instructed Dollop to hand over the two logs with various blade and club attachments on opposing ends. Dollop squeezed his lips together in concern at Spon's flippant approach to an important security measure. Even if they were only a time delay mechanism so he could set a welcoming pose for the marauding hero, it was rewarding coincidence that allowed heroes to infiltrate bases and have completely inept guards in the most crucial places. Dollop smiled anyway as he awarded the weapons, but noted to mention it at their first review.

  Bozo and Schmuk were overjoyed at the appointment and left with shared giggles and murmurs of hope.

  "So, let's get your office sorted. I've a few wallpaper samples here for you to look at. Spon whipped out a large folder filled with patterns.

  "Shouldn't we begin planning our next move?" Dollop pulled up a chair regardless. A purple series of diagonals had caught his eye.

  "We will, but we need somewhere nice to work on things. Now, I can see you like these diagonals........"

  Dollop battled with what he knew they should be doing and the thought of his mum's face when she saw him in his new office. Maybe power was the secret corrupting influence, and maybe it had found a new pair of victims to tinker with.

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  Chapter Forty Five

  "How could you let this happen, Hugo, so publicly?" The inquest back on Velos 19 had begun. Irish Delirium and Reason formed a social triangle with Hugo. The fallen hero sat blankly, grinning a grin of denial.

  "Did I ever tell you about....."

  "Hugo. By the blast of Ivanisevic this is serious. These images are across the entire uninet." Irish pointed to the screens showing an unconscious Hugo, the bulked up shadows of Dag and Corsetry shimmering with laughter above him.

  "I'll never nap again. By bottles and dustpans, I'll be the most awake man existence has ever seen....."

  "Reason, can you get through to him?" Irish looked at the six foot penguin. Hugo diverted his grin in the same direction.

  "Hugo. Maybe it would be best if you stayed out of the public sphere for a while. Go and relax on one of the many planets that honour your vacant aura. By the time you return, we'll have this sorted."

  "But there is no rest from Evil, no holiday. Good does not sit by the beach while dastardly intentions frolic in the ocean. We battle, engage......"

  "I know Hugo, and you will once more. Better, stronger, if that's possible." Reason reached out a comforting flipper, enticing Hugo towards the door.

  "Maybe I could do with another nap. Confused, not entirely sure what this feeling inside is." Hugo looked at his own chest while standing.

  "It's defeat Hugo. It'll pass."

  "Defeat; you mean napping?"

  "If that's what you want to call it."
Reason offered a patronising tap to go with the opening door.

  Hugo paused in front of a mirror. "He's a handsome chap. Bet he could out-nap a room full of pensioners after a full day gardening."

  "He could Hugo, he could." Reason handed the hero over to the guard outside. The security personnel escorted the pop star away, going a little weak at the knees as he did.

  "Now what?" Irish slammed his fist on the desk. There was no need to, it just felt appropriate. "Our greatest weapon is neutralised and Evil has momentum and mystery on their side. Who are these two new purveyors of naughtiness?" Irish stared at the statues on the screen.

  "We will find out. Do not worry." Reason flip-flopped back to his seat.

  "Do not worry! How is that possible?" Irish had to curtail his inner smirk at the giant penguin's waddle. No matter how often he saw it, it was always amusing.

  "We will have to fall back on our other grade five heroes." Reason whipped out his pipe.

  "Other....." Irish looked at himself then in to his mind at a vague memory. "There are others!?" Nobody could be sure if this was a statement or a question.

  "Yes." Reason went for a non-committal response. "Those that helped vanquish Insidious Chi." Reason wafted in the direction of the wall-sized monitor, bringing up a CCTV image of the stage the day of the grade five awards ceremony, after Hugo had left it. The penguin also released a tiny smoke circle. Irish stared as though it would form into the hero's image. No beak could ever provide such dexterity, although the giant of Good waited for it to dissipate, just in case.

  "Those?" Irish spoke without confidence while striding towards the screen. Brick, Spiritwind, Dandara Foxley, Bettina Slade, The Magwanvu, Bobby Dazzler and Jam Shandy all looked back at him, more confused than a gang of pythons in a shoe shop.

  "It's all we have, Irish. The immediate fate of Good lies on their shoulders." Two further smoke rings chased each other playfully.

  "I may join Hugo on his holiday."

  "That would be a very reasonable response." The pair laughed extendedly, not because of humour, but because it was basic hero protocol to end such a scene.

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  Chapter Forty Six

  Magical Causality hovered above the information booth Brick and Spiritwind had been working in before their jaunt, cloaked by invisibility.

  "Looks empty." Brick spoke as he saw.

  "Maybe they realised nobody ever approached it and closed it." Spiritwind spoke through a mouthful of welcome home cake. It was a standard cake that had been lucky with the time of its devouring.

  "Should we pop in? See if we can reclaim the rug?"

  "I'm in no rush to be anywhere else." It was a yes from the new, bald leader of Evil.

  The two hopped out of Magic, the ship relocating to above the Portakabin, and wandered around the back to the entrance. Entering, they were surprised to see everything as they left it, aside from a stack of envelopes on each chair. Brick investigated.

  "It's our wages." He rifled through the pile. "Up until yesterday; they must think we've been in everyday."

  "This must be a record for length of employment. Maybe if we disappear for longer we can get promoted." Spiritwind had his eye on an even bigger chair.

  "Could you tell me....." A voice appeared from the counter they were supposed to be manning. ".....how much fun Fluffy McCoy's is?" It was They, complete with chirpy grin. Brick looked round, acknowledging their friend with a straight expression.

  "We wouldn't know. We went to Huffy LeRoy's."

  "Huffy LeRoy's? Why would you go there? It's in a bus station. Everyone knows bus station clubs have no soul, and serve massively over-priced cocktails." They, made his way round the back and entered. Brick awaited his arrival.

  "We know it's in a bus station."

  "Then I must repeat my question, why?"

  "Because somebody told Magic to take us there." Brick sat down, collating the wages into one envelope.

  "Was that me?" They had picked up the hint. Only a nod returned. "Apologies. Must have been a good night though? You've been gone for weeks; although those hero powers don't allow any trip to be simple. Adventures await your every move." They, pottered around the room, arms behind his back as Brick and Spiritwind could only offer bewildered expressions about the things They didn't know.

  "Speaking of hero powers, you'd better be careful with this new Evil knocking about. I hear Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload won't stop until they've vanquished every grade five hero alive." They, stared at a picture on the wall. It was one of Spiritwind's doodles of themselves with the concepts, stood heroically on a hill.

  "And where did you hear that? Or is this one of your own special rumours?" Brick shuffled with interest and a smirk.

  "I wish it was. It's all over the uninews. They're sending messages through time and dimensions, all delivered by The Chancellor of Evil University." Brick and Spiritwind could only smile broadly. "Am I missing something?"

  "How about we nip to the pub and we'll explain a few things to you about the workings of the universe." Brick stood, pockets filled with back pay, and led the way out the door.

  "Oh I see, the pupils become masters. I like it, very heroic story thread. Should I bring a pen?"

  "Yes, and your best non-believing face."

  "I left that in the hotel back on Grinflint, told I wouldn't need it for this position."

  "Just come to the pub." Brick grew impatient as his perfect ending dragged on, or was it the perfect beginning?

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  Chapter Forty Seven

  Other Brick stumbled downstairs to an empty Cloak and Dagger, except for Other Spiritwind who was creating breakfast.

  "Morning." Other Spiritwind welcomed his friend.

  "It is." Other Brick scratched himself, yawned then sat down to try and remember how to focus his eyes. "Have you seen Nicole?"

  "They've left." Other Spiritwind barely flinched as he plated up a pile of fried chicken, and a bacon butty for his peer.

  "Left; when did this happen?" Other Brick considered panicking. It didn't feel like there was any need to go that far.

  "Last night some time, found that note this morning." Other Spiritwind nodded towards a piece of paper on the table he joined his co-landlord at.

  Other Brick picked up the note and read:

  Dear Other Brick and Other Spiritwind

  Our lust for you was only ever destined to last until the adventure was over. It's how we heroes work. If it makes you feel better, imagine we had to move for work, or that our morals swung and we cheated on you; or that it was just too complicated to ruin each other's lives over. Whatever makes you feel better, we're happy to go along with.

  Maybe we'll see you in a sequel sometime, but probably not, unless the love interest that follows us is a complete and utter flop.

  Yours

  Nicole Extravaganza and Suzy Fantastic

  "At least they were polite about it. I think we all knew reality would realise what was going on at some point and put a stop to it."

  "And we got a pub out of it." Other Spiritwind employed his mayonnaise dip.

  "We did get a pub out of it." Other Brick bit into his butty and surveyed his shared kingdom. A break up had never been so pleasing.

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  Chapter Forty Eight

  Bum-Raa stared at the numerous screens on his cave wall, all showing Dag and Corsetry and the revelling they inspired. Jiggery and Yakkety sat nearby, wondering what time tea would be.

  "You won't be displaying those animated teeth with such vigour once I've finished with you." He hurled a rock at a screen. It missed. Bum rubbed the empty section of his beard.

  Yakkety had a question. "If we're trying to bring down the new bosses of Evil, does that mean we're Good, because I don't think goodies have henchmen? They have other heroes as friends that come together in times of need, or an amusing sidekick at best, but definitely not henchmen. Are we fired?" Yakkety was ever so confused. Bum turned to face them bot
h.

  "No we are not Good, we just know what's better for Evil than these two incompetent chancers, but to take their place we have to get rid of them." Bum stood up and strolled, looking to the ceiling. "And when we do there will be street beatings in our name and cowering under bed sheets at the hint of our shadow. Evil will fear us, and Good will have no clue where to even begin dealing with our mischief. We shall assume our true place in the hierarchy of naughty, and it will be far above the memory of Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." Bum approached his employees menacingly, the light from the screens casting his shadow infinitely larger than the man himself.

  "Okay, as long as I know. I don't know much, but I know what I don't know. Some say that's wisdom, mum says I should go and buy a book or two. Maybe that's what I'll do; buy a book, although the light in here isn't very good for reading......"

  "How will we achieve all that when Spon has told Evil it's your fault they have no figurehead in person? Everyone is very annoyed at us and they're all inherently mean. They won't just give us a telling off. We'll be lucky to escape with our bellybuttons still in our middles." Jiggery raised an essential point.

  "Exactly as it should be, Evil should work alone, chased to solace if needs be. This new happy family, co-operation model will ultimately fail. There's a reason we have worked the way we do for millennia, and we shall be the guardians of such ways until the ether is ready to listen once more." Bum cackled to the sky in delusion, and continued laughing for no purpose other than defiance of the new order to tone it down a little due to impracticality, but he wasn't about to give up his greatest dramatic asset for the sake of two idiots who struck lucky. He had his clichéd volcano in the ocean, bought cheap off a retiring ogre, and time to plot his payback. He would break as many new rules of Evil as it took to expose the fact that Dag and Corsetry were frauds, and he was the rightful heir to their throne.

  Jiggery watched on with a shake of his head as his boss flittered between laughter and cloaked weeping, wondering if it was too late to enrol on a building course for this academic year.