“And I do?” My anger rises and unleashes like a fire-breathing dragon. “I fell across her feet so many times wishing she’d take me back. Practically begging. Then finally, finally the universe decides to make it happen, and whammo! I’m tossed into a pit of poisonous snakes with no fucking ladder to escape. I don’t know what the fuck to do. I’m trying to figure it all out, but the very last thing I need right now is you judging me! I didn’t ask for this to happen. It was an accident. A stupid fucking mistake, but I’m doing my best to right a wrong. Okay? Give me a little credit for manning up.”
Chase groans. “No, you’re right. It’s not my place to judge you.”
“Cuz… Chase. You know how I feel about Kathleen. You know.”
A rumbling sound breaks through the line. “Yes, yes, I do.” He sighs.
“Before I knew about all of this, I finally told her last night. I said the words she has been waiting to hear. And man, they felt so good.”
“Stop. You’re going to make me angry again.” Chase’s words are clipped and direct.
“Why?”
“Because I care about Kathleen. I care about her health, mental and otherwise. She has just barely started to come back to the person she was, and now this? You tell her you love her, fuck her, make her think life is hunky dory, and now you’re going to lay this shit on her? I honest to God have no idea how she’s going to handle it.”
“Don’t tell her,” I say instantly.
“Unacceptable.”
“Chase. This is my life. I have to tell her myself.”
“And how, pray tell, do you plan to keep this from my wife? There’s no way in a million years I’m going to lie to her. Not to mention, she’s going to find out the second we arrive. You need her expertise in all this. Besides, she’s going to lose her mind when she finds out she has another niece. My wife is ridiculous about family connections. Our family and her soul sisters are the only family she has. This is news she’ll want to shout from the rooftops.”
He is not kidding. Gillian is nothing if not nurturing and family-oriented. “I’ll talk to Gigi. Just give me some time to handle this my way when it comes to Kathleen. I need to be the one who tells her. Otherwise, it will ruin any progress we’ve made. Okay? Promise me?”
Chase makes a rumbling sound akin to the sound a dog makes when someone tries to take away his food when he’s already eating. “Fine. But you have a week. I’m not holding my wife back longer than that. These soul sister relationships are touchy. You can’t fuck with them. And you putting her in this position is not going to go down well.”
“I’m sure you can find ways to get her mind off it.” I add a joking laugh to lighten the heavy conversation.
“Are you suggesting I seduce my wife into submission?”
“What? Did you lose your touch? Having a little trouble in the bedroom now that you’ve got two kids and cooking up number three?”
“I won’t even grace that with an acknowledgement. My wife is well satisfied. Always has been, always will be. I can’t keep my hands off her.”
“Then it shouldn’t be too hard for you to earn me some time to figure all of this out before Gillian runs to Kat.”
“Fine. I’ll see what I can do, but I’m not forcing my wife to lie to her best friend. And I’m not touching that situation with a ten-foot pole. You’re on your own.”
“That, I’m used to.” I grumble half-heartedly. Ever since Kathleen pushed me away, I’ve been alone. Now I have something small, perfect, and adorable to put all my efforts into.
“See you soon.” I hear baby squeals coming from the other room.
“Indeed,” Chase finishes formally.
CHAPTER NINE
KATHLEEN
To: Kathleen Bennett
From: Carson Davis
I’m sorry I haven’t called. You don’t know how sorry I am. I miss you.
A fucking text? Is he for real? Three days, and nothing. Zip, nada, zilch. He neglected to call me, and after day two I finally broke down and called him, against Bree’s advice. She said to blow him off until he came crawling back. Instead, I went against her better judgment. And for what? So he could ignore my call and send me an impersonal text instead?
I miss you.
“What the fucking fuck?”
My fingers fly against the keyboard of my iPhone.
To: Carson Davis
From: Kathleen Bennett
That’s all you have to say for yourself? After Friday night? You said you loved me.
I snarl and hit send so hard my thumb hurts.
Bastard. Who does he think he is to string me along? I glance at the phone. The three little dots signaling he’s typing a message are hovering under my angry words. I roll my eyes and glance out over the busy San Francisco street. The scent of cinnamon buns and coffee is thick in the air, making my stomach growl. I’m sitting at my favorite little corner café bistro across the street from the park where Maria and Eli live. She should be here any minute for a morning pick-me-up. It’s part of my plan to get back to me. The woman I used to be, or some two point oh variation of her. The main ingredient in the spice of finding myself is mending the ties that I’ve broken with my soul sisters. I’m definitely not me without them.
The phone in my hand beeps.
To: Kathleen Bennett
From: Carson Davis
I do love you. Give me time. I’m dealing with something.
Give him time? As if three years wasn’t enough. I take a sip of my latte, and it burns my tongue.
“Fucking fuckity fuck!” I roar, slamming the offending thing down on the table. A dose of hot latte squirts out the top through the tiny hole in the lid and sprays all over the table in front of me.
“Seems as though I came at the perfect time.” Maria holds her hands up palms facing out at me. “I’m unarmed. Don’t spray me with your weapon of mass deliciousness.” She grins, flips her long black braid over her shoulder, and sits down in the chair opposite of mine.
“Hey, Ria. I’m sorry,” I mumble while burning with embarrassment.
“Sounds like you were having a pretty fun time with your coffee there. Care to tell me what brought on the F-bomber? Not normally your speed, gatita.”
I slump down into the chair and run my fingers through my shoulder-length hair. “Carson texted me.”
She crosses her arms over her chest, the cool leather bomber jacket she’s wearing molding to her arms and chest seductively. My best friend is sex on legs. Half Italian, half Spanish, a curvaceous dancer with a rack that makes men swoon, and legs for days. I pout thinking about how I can’t even wear tight clothing like hers because it rubs against the tender skin of my arm.
“What did the prick with a dick say? ¿El se pidio discuplas? Did he apologize?”
“Not exactly. He did say he loved me and he needed time. Said he was dealing with something.”
She huffs. “Yeah, a two-bit whore he has to shake off.” Her nose crinkles, and her face contorts into one of irritation.
I take a long, slow breath. “Who knows?”
Her head turns to me quickly. “Exactly. I know exactly who knows.” She grins, a devilish excitement overtaking her features.
Suddenly, the light bulb goes on, and we both say the same name at the same time.
“Chase.”
We laugh at our similar thought process until it dawns on me. I can’t do that to Chase. Take advantage of his friendship. He was there for me when I wouldn’t allow anyone else in. He pushed through all my barriers with a battering ram and helped bring me back from the brink of despair. He’s not only my best friend’s husband and my friend—he’s my savior.
I shake my head. “No. Nuh-uh. I won’t put him in the middle. It’s not fair. This is my drama. I just didn’t think I’d be dealing with it again. I mean, after three years to finally come back to the way we were was more than I could have ever hoped for. Maybe I should be grateful? He did set a fire within me that night.”
&nbs
p; Maria chuckles. “Yeah, a fire between your legs. Bastardo. Eso no es cool. Not cool. He shouldn’t have started something with you he didn’t intend to finish.”
I lift my hand and set my chin into my palm while leaning on the table. “Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt? He did try to win me back for a full year after I ended it. It was me who ended it in the first place. Perhaps this is what I deserve.”
Her head jerks back. “No way. Not even. You deserve to be happy, gatita. I know Carson makes you happy. Honestly, even though I’m pissed at him, I still love him too. For you. You’re perfecto together.”
I sigh and look out at the park. The sun is shining and the day is free of the San Francisco fog, but there’s still a brisk chill when the breeze hits. Kids are running and playing, chasing after one another. There are some college-age guys kicking a soccer ball lazily back and forth while they talk. A mother and father are holding a child’s hand and lifting him up every few feet as they walk along the sidewalk. And here I sit, wondering if the man I love is with someone else.
I pull out my phone and start to type.
“What are you doing?”
“Texting him back.”
Maria rubs her hands together and grins wickedly. “What are you gonna say? You gonna call him out on his bullshit?”
I shake my head. “Nope. I’m inviting him to dinner this weekend.”
She frowns. “I’m sorry. How is this getting him back for blowing you off and texting you versus calling?”
“Well, he can’t blow me off if he’s having dinner with me, now can he?”
She rubs her hand over her chin thoughtfully. “Cierto. True. I’d rather you string him up by the cojones.” Her grin comes back looking extra violent.
To: Carson Davis
From: Kathleen Bennett
Then have dinner with me.
I wait with my heart in my throat as the three little dots pop up. It seems as if time stops or at least slows to a snail’s pace. If he denies me this one request, a simple one, I’ll know it’s never going to work. This is too important to me, and after what he said while making love to me, he should know the truth.
To: Kathleen Bennett
From: Carson Davis
Where? When? You know I’d walk a thousand miles…
A half laugh, half sob leaves my mouth, and I cover it with my hand. I stare at the words so long they start to blur, tears having filled my eyes.
The Proclaimers.
“500 Miles.”
He said it was his song to me. Every time it played on the radio or on his CD player— sometimes on repeat, he loved it so much—he would sing at the top of his lungs, pointing to me at the appropriate parts, making sure I knew how he felt about me. Together we’d sing the da dut da, da dut da part very loudly, sloppily, laughing and kissing in between verses.
Maria’s hand covers my scarred one. Surprisingly, I don’t flinch. Instead, I accept the gesture for what it is. Comfort. Something I badly need right now from my best friend.
“You okay?”
I nod. “Yeah, I think it’s going to be okay. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but he’s worth the wait, Ria. He really is. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but he agreed to dinner.”
“That’s definitely a start.”
“Yes. Yes, it is.”
I lift my phone and text back.
To: Carson Davis
From: Kathleen Bennett
Your place? I’ll cook.
I wait a couple seconds before his response pops up.
To: Kathleen Bennett
From: Carson Davis
I’ll come to you. Your place. It’s where it all began…again.
I smile and type back.
To: Carson Davis
From: Kathleen Bennett
See you Friday. 6 p.m.
To: Kathleen Bennett
From: Carson Davis
I’ll bring the wine.
* * *
“And how does his evasion make you feel, Kathleen?” Dr. Madison stares at me over his spectacles as if he is analyzing my body language and every subtle twitch in my gestures.
I sigh and glance out his window. Darkness has fallen, but the moon is shining brightly, painting a beautiful path of light over the bay. “Uncomfortable. Lost. Forgotten.”
The threads at the end of my sweater’s sleeve fray even more as I pick at them.
“Why lost?”
I close my eyes and think about the last two years. “Because I don’t want to be that woman anymore.”
“What woman?”
“The one who doesn’t care about herself, about others. The one who just goes through the motions to get through every day. I feel like now…” I shake my head, letting the emotions bubble up until I can’t keep them contained as they pour out of me like a pot boiling over. “If I have Carson, if I allow myself to focus on the good we have together, I’ll be me again. The real me.”
Tears prick against the back of my eyelids. My arm throbs as I clench my hands too tightly into fists, pain rippling up each limb.
“Kathleen. Look at me,” Dr. Madison says in his stern but soothing tone.
I purse my lips, let the tears fall unchecked, and focus on his gaze. His eyes are kind, gentle in a way that shows he’s loveable and honest. One of the good guys in the world. Maybe even an angel sent down from God to keep guard over lost souls like me.
“You have come a long way since your injury happened. You have gone through hell. You did that. Why is it after you have one night with Carson, albeit a life-changing one, do you connect that with your own mental healing?”
I cringe and think about his words. I have spent years coming back from the trenches of grief and loss. Carson wasn’t there while I fought depression, anger, and fear.
He would have been had you not pushed him away.
My psyche isn’t helping.
“Kathleen, I can see that this night you spent with Carson was a turning point for you, and one I’m happy to see. However, you cannot relate the success or failure of this particular circumstance to be the scale of where you are at in your progress. Regardless of this time with him, or the outcome, you are already different. Better. Happier. Wouldn’t you agree?”
Happier.
“Yes, I suppose so.”
“And you’re doing better in your career than you were before your injury, even though there are hurdles to overcome with the way in which you craft your designs. Correct?”
“True. Chase changed my life getting Chloe to agree to go into business with me and fronting the initial expenses, which I paid back with interest, I might add…”
Dr. Madison smiles softly and nods.
“It changed everything. I’m now doing exactly what I want to do, aside from the sewing part.”
He tips his chin and crosses one leg over the other. “And the mobility has increased in the hand. To the point you can hold small objects.”
I smile huge. “Yes.” I rub my forearm and hand lightly. “The oral medication and physical therapy are finally starting to work. The doctors said I’ll be able to hold my own children one day without a problem.”
“That’s excellent, Kathleen. I’m thrilled for you.”
“Thank you.”
“So now tell me how you are feeling about what happened with Carson. You had dinner, too many drinks, and had intercourse.”
I nod. “It was more than that, Doctor. For the first time, he said he loved me.”
“And are you afraid he said those words because he was under the influence? That he didn’t actually mean to say them?”
“No, not at all. I’ve been inebriated with Carson more times than I can count, and he never once uttered those words. This time was different. It was as if he was finally able to say it. Almost as if he couldn’t not say it.”
Dr. Madison makes a note on the legal pad he has on his lap. “And how was the evening leading up to that moment?”
I smile and run
my hand through my hair, thinking back to the joy and laughter we had at the restaurant. The kidding way he teased me. “Like normal. Like before. He tended to me the way he did when we were dating. Women walked by, beautiful women, and he didn’t even bat an eye. His focus was entirely on me.”
“And what do you think changed in you? Why did you agree to have dinner with him after all this time?”
I shrug. “Maybe I’m ready to be in a relationship again?”
“Which you could have started with anyone. Instead, you went back to the one man you claim you pushed away for his own good. What changed?”
What did change?
Do I look more like the old me?
Not really. Some of the scars have been removed from my neck, but my entire right arm from shoulder to fingertips is disfigured, as is the skin around my ribcage and the side of my right breast. It’s not molten red, but it’s discolored and nowhere near aesthetically pleasing to the eye.
The pain is still there. The nightmares too, although now that I think back, I didn’t have one when Carson was there. Then again, it could have been because he woke me for additional rounds of lovemaking in the night. It’s quite possible I didn’t hit REM sleep and didn’t dream.
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“Kathleen…” His tone conveys that he wants me to dig deeper. “Until you accept what has changed in you, how can you accept what has changed in him? He’s been living his life for the past two years. There will inevitably be things that are different about him. Probably why he’s evaded talking to you since the night of your rekindling.”
“You think? Chase did say he had a new girlfriend, which Carson emphatically says he doesn’t. But there’s definitely a woman involved. Someone who called that morning led him to run off. She has to be the reason he’s not talked to me.”
“Perhaps. He may be dealing with his own situation. The connection between you two came back quickly. Your entire relationship changed in a single evening. It’s possible and even likely he has things he also needs to tie up in order to be free to be with you. This could mean a woman, work, friendships, family, obligations… Without talking to him, you can only guess. And that, Kathleen, is unhealthy.”
Fate: A Trinity Novel: Book Five Page 10