Dancing with Molly

by Lena Horowitz

  Carson is in the shower right now and then we’re going to pack up his truck with the tent and sleeping bags and stuff. We’re going to drive down to the polo fields early and stake out a good camping spot, then Kelly and Jess are coming down with Kyle and a group of his friends later this afternoon.

  My parents will be pissed, but what can they really do to me? I’m not some child anymore. I’m turning eighteen in a few months. I can make my own decisions. I can certainly go to hear some bands and DJs play. I can’t wait do some molly and dance to Whip5mart with Carson again. There’s nothing else like that in the world.

  Saturday, July 5

  This place is OFF THE HOOK. There must be over 100,000 people here. I seriously have NEVER seen so many people in one place in my entire life. The crowds have spilled out of the camping area and people are just setting up tents in the empty fields for what looks like miles around. When Carson and I got here to set up the tents, it was already packed. There are some FREAKS here, and I mean that in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY!

  We are all getting ready to go into the music festival. Last night there was this big bonfire, and people were in all of these crazy costumes running around on stilts and swinging fire on chains. There’s this wild contingent of people who are all in costumes all the time. Kyle and his friends nabbed the area next to us. When Reid and Sara showed up I was prepared. I walked right up to them and said, I don’t want there to be a big dramatic scene. Sara smiled and gave me a hug. She said she was sorry about calling Ashley. I told her that it wasn’t our family’s finest moment, but that we’d all survive.

  Then Kelly said, Yeah, but only if your dad doesn’t find you now.

  I was like, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Jess said that he was standing out at the gates to the camping area when they arrived. He didn’t see them because there are so many people. You have to have a special pass to get into the camping area, and you have to have a pass to get into the event space where the music is. I’m sure Dad didn’t spend the night here last night, and there’s no way he could actually find me in all these people. Still, it makes my stomach feel jumpy. I actually feel sort of bad for him. I know he must be really upset, but I’m not going to let him ruin this weekend for me.

  Carson is sitting crossed-legged on his sleeping bag next to me while I write. He’s splitting up our doses from the baggie that Kyle gave him this morning. We decided to wait to roll until the sun goes down, so we’re just smoking some pot this morning, and Kyle got us all special purple wristbands so we can get beer even though we’re not twenty-one yet. We want to save rolling for when it cools down a little, and Whip5mart doesn’t start spinning until ten tonight. But there is PLENTY of fun to be had before then. Jesus. Just staring at Carson walking around in his tennis shoes and cutoffs is enough to keep me occupied. He’s got a baseball cap on and his tank top is already hanging from his belt loops.

  This is gonna be a scorcher—mainly because he’s so HOT!

  Sunday, July 6

  It’s so weird to sit in a tent in the middle of thousands of people and have it be so quiet. It’s about nine a.m. and I just woke up. We didn’t come down until around six a.m., so I should be more tired than I am, but I feel energized and . . . alive. Something about this experience has been magic. I finally feel like I’m free—like I’m an adult for the first time. I’m not afraid to just be who I am. Yesterday, we saw so many great bands and I was with the hottest guy at this festival. Carson held my hand and walked around with me the whole day and we had the BEST TIME. We met these gay guys, Trent and Matty, dancing in the tent where Krystal Whip was spinning a set, and they were awesome. They were saving their molly, too, but they gave us each a bump of coke and it got us grooving and moving. Their bodies were hot like Carson’s, and they thought I was awesome, and they LOVED Jess. Reid was a little weirded out by them at first and didn’t want to dance near them, but Carson told him to chill, and he snapped out of it. Carson is so funny—he totally got between Trent and Matty and dirty danced with them. They loved it, and who wouldn’t? Carson is smoking hot and completely comfortable with who he is—which is one of the reasons that I think he’s just freaking attractive to EVERYBODY.

  We all ended up dancing together for a long time, and once the sun went down, Matty and Trent came back to our tent, and we did a couple points of molly each, then headed back to the festival and got in position for the Whip5mart set. There were a couple bands before he went on, and they were great, but when Whip5mart took the stage, the place went OFF THE HOOK. There was a laser light show that was amazing. It was like being on a different planet—or in the middle of a sci-fi movie. Carson and I danced like we’d never danced before. We’d all brought a bunch of water jugs, the big gallon ones, so we wouldn’t have to leave our spots up by the stage, and it was a good thing we did, because nobody felt like leaving to go stand in line for more water.

  We were having so much fun that Carson wanted to do a little more molly to keep the high going while we danced. Matty and Trent were out, so we decided to share the two hits that we had left with them. Carson was able to dump the capsules out on his phone screen and then we carefully snorted half a line each. It gave us the perfect little pick-me-up around two a.m.

  It turns out that Whip5mart is going to play again tonight. It was a surprise that they announced last night. While we were coming down a few hours ago, Matty told us that he had more molly to share as a thank-you for splitting our points with him and Trent. Kelly said she was worried about taking their molly because it wasn’t tested and we weren’t sure exactly what we’d be getting, but Kyle’s running low—mainly because he’s sold so much over the past couple nights. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

  I’m getting a little tired again right now, and I’m sure everybody will start waking up around the camp within the next hour. Carson is snoring lightly and he’s so CUTE the way he sleeps with his arms thrown up over his head. I’m going to snuggle in next to him and see if I can get another twenty minutes or so before this whole place wakes up and becomes another all-day crazy party.

  I could get used to living like this. Just me and Carson and some good friends, some great music, and some awesome molly.

  Later . . .

  I HATE MY PARENTS! I hate them! They suck! They suuuuuuuck!!!! Oh my god, oh my god, I’ve never been so humiliated in my entire life. I can’t I can’t I can’t.

  Okay, I had to step away for a few minutes and catch my breath. My hands were shaking so hard. But I still can’t believe what happened today. I can’t. How could my dad do that to me? The cops?!?! I mean, what am I, a mass murderer or something? The cops?!

  Let me start at the beginning. It was around two o’clock or so. I’m not totally sure because we’d been rolling most of the day, but I know the sun was frickin’ hot so it was probably midafternoon. Me and all my friends were lying in the grass, looking up at the clouds. My head was on Carson’s chest and he was playing with my hair. Jess’s head was in my lap and Kelly’s legs were hooked over hers and there were a few other people there too, but I can’t really remember who. All I know is, we were all woven together on the ground like some perfect tapestry, and I remember thinking how amazing it would be if someone could actually make a fabric out of all of us. How beautiful that would be. Because my friend’s hearts are so beautiful.

  I know. It sounds dorky now, but then it just felt so profound. So, there we were, pointing out shapes in the clouds—I mean, how much more innocent can you get than that?—when suddenly there was my dad’s shadowy face looking down at me. And behind him were two cops in full uniform.

  I was so high that I threw my arms up and smiled and might have yelled, Daddy! Carson sat up so fast he gave me whiplash.

  Is this the man who kidnapped your daughter, sir? the fat cop asked.

  WHAT?!?!

  Kidnapped? Carson said, pulling a T-shirt on over his perfect abs. Nobody kidnapped anyone.

  I struggled to my feet, still trying to understand what was goin
g on. I noticed that all around me people were shoving stuff in bags and some of them were running for the gates. One second, everything was peaceful and beautiful. Then my dad walks in and BAM! Festival over.

  The cop had Carson’s bicep in one hand. He asked my dad if he wanted to press charges. My father said no. He just wanted to take his daughter out of here.

  Then the cop stepped up to me and was all like, Miss? Have you ingested any illegal substances today? And I just started laughing. I couldn’t help it. He was so, so, so serious and his face was all puffy and red.

  My dad pulled the cop aside. A couple seconds later, someone announced that we weren’t pressing charges, and then my dad dragged me out of there. Dragged me out by my arm, like some kind of criminal. I shot Carson a look over my shoulder, but he just stared back at me, stunned. He was so high I’m not even totally sure he could see me. But I needed to say good-bye to him at least. I needed to kiss him. I yanked my arm away from my dad and tried to run back, but he just grabbed me by both arms this time, pinning them to my sides, and half carried, half dragged me the rest of the way. I never knew my dad was that strong.

  I kept yelling at him that I didn’t want to go and that this was where I belonged, and the more I yelled, the more purple his face got. At the gates, people were streaming out, terrified of the cops, I guess. The cops my father had brought to the festival. He practically threw me in the car and slammed the door.

  He didn’t talk to me all the way home, but I sure talked to him. I told him this was my life and those people really cared about me, and I wanted to be with them and not him or my mom or Ashley. I don’t think he heard one word of it, though. By the time we got back I had definitely come down from my last dose of molly. The adrenaline must have washed it out of my system. My dad opened my door, and I got out before he could manhandle me some more. I stormed into the house and my mom was in the foyer. She took one look at me, and started crying. I rolled my eyes and stomped upstairs. My dad followed me into my room and told me to shower.

  What are you, my warden? I demanded.

  He said yes, basically, he was.

  That was when I screamed. I screamed so loud I swear the house shook. He flinched, but he didn’t move. I went into the bathroom and took off my clothes and a hit of molly fell out of my bra. It was sweaty, but the tissue baggy was in tact. I couldn’t even remember who I’d gotten it from. Trent and Matty? Kyle? I wasn’t sure. But I quickly hid it inside a bottle of Midol in my medicine cabinet, then got in the shower. When I came out in my robe, my dad was waiting for me. I couldn’t believe it. He’d just stood there the whole time. Like, what? I was gonna Hulk out and punch a hole through the bathroom wall to escape?

  He told me that I wasn’t leaving my room without one of my parents for the next two weeks. Not the house. My room. When I tried to protest, he said I’d brought this upon myself. He said something about bringing my dinner up later, then walked out, and closed the door. And here’s the best part—I heard a click.

  I glanced at the door and saw that there was a new doorknob on it. All fake-gold and shiny. I grabbed it and turned, and nothing happened. MY PARENTS LOCKED ME IN MY ROOM! Yes, while I was gone for two days having a perfectly fun and safe time with my friends, my parents were out shopping for a new doorknob so they could lock me up like some kind of wild animal. I’ve spent the last hour on the internet trying to find out if this is even legal, but apparently it’s a gray area.

  But I don’t care. I am never speaking to them again. NEVER! And if Carson breaks up with me for this, I’m leaving. They want to track my every move? Well, let’s see how they like it if they never see me again.

  Monday, July 7

  Just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do. I’m writing this right now in my room where there is nothing but my bed, my dresser, my computer, my clarinet, my phone, and this journal. My parents took every other thing out of my room this afternoon and put it god knows where. I’m living in a cell.

  Also I’ve texted Carson ten times and he hasn’t texted me back. If he’s in jail right now because of my dad, I’m seriously going to kill someone. I’m so angry. I honestly think I could punch my father in the face. I really do. I never thought I could be this angry at him. This is my dad. He’s always on my side. But whatever. That’s over now, I guess.

  At least Jess is okay. We’ve texted some, and she’s grounded, too. Parents are so predictable. But anyway, back to the insanity.

  Here’s how it all went down. This morning both my parents walked into my room fully showered and dressed at nine a.m. and told me to get up and get dressed. We were meeting with the substance-abuse therapist.

  I told them, Great. Have fun. And pulled my blankets over my head.

  My dad ripped them off of me. He said, very sternly, that he and my mother loved me and they weren’t going to watch me destroy my life. Apparently they were going to watch me get dressed, though, because my mom stood there while I got completely naked and put on a new underwear and bra. Then I yanked a T-shirt and sweatpants on, and shoved my feet into flip-flops. The whole time, I kept waiting for her to tell me this was a joke. Tell me not to worry about it. That they still trusted me. But it never happened. They were really going through with this. They were really going to drag me to some stranger to talk about how I, what? Liked to have fun? I’m seventeen. I’m supposed to be having fun, right?

  My heart was pounding as I looked at my mom. Do we really have to do this? I asked. Please? I won’t sneak out again, I swear.

  Her mouth was so thin it was practically not even there. She told me not to try begging my way out of this, which just pissed me off. She always caved when Ashley got all cute and weepy and pleading. I went into the bathroom and slammed the door.

  What’re you doing? my mother demanded.

  God! Can’t I even pee?

  I heard her huff, and then she said I had two minutes. I peed and then realized my mouth tasted like ass, probably from all the pot and molly and junk food I’d ingested the past couple of days. I opened the medicine cabinet to get my toothpaste, and the Midol bottle stared at me. I took it out, and opened it up. The hit of molly was nestled in there all safe and sound. I closed the cabinet again, and stared at myself in the mirror. I’d never done molly outside of a party situation. I’d never done it without my friends. And if my parents figured it out, they’d kill me. But honestly, they’d already locked me in my room. How much worse could it get? (If only I knew.)

  Screw them, I thought. There was only one way to survive this torture, and that was to be high.

  I ran the water, tossed the packet into the back of my mouth, and drank it down.

  Just brushing my teeth, Warden! I shouted for my mom’s benefit.

  She was waiting for me, of course.

  Before we left the house, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. Gotta stay hydrated. And they think I’m not responsible. My parents were silent in the front seat of the car. I sat in the back by myself and waited for the molly to kick in. Which it did pretty much the second we walked into this totally posh office building downtown. I mean, honestly? These substance-abuse people must make a crap load of money. Everything was plush and gold and marble, and the lobby was superhushed and supremely air-conditioned. Right in the middle of the lobby was this wall of cascading water burbling over cut glass, and I was totally distracted by the sunlight beaming off of it in all directions. It was like being inside a rainbow, and I remember thinking, I wish Carson and Jess were here to see this.

  Actually, I might have said it out loud, because my mom looked at me kind of funny. Then my dad announced that we were going to the fifth floor, and we got on the elevator. That was a totally mind-boggling experience, by the way. As soon as we went up, I felt like I was standing on my head, and by the time we got off, I was dizzy. Elevators and molly do not mix.

  I blearily followed my dad into this mostly white office, and the receptionist buzzed the doctor or whatever you call him. While we wa
ited, I rubbed the hem of my T-shirt between my thumb and forefinger. It was so soft. I had no idea clothes could be that soft. Then, suddenly, we were up and walking into the counselor’s office.

  His name was Tim Burbridge, and he had a soul patch. A soul patch! It looked like a little caterpillar dancing its way across his face. I laughed and reached out to touch it with my thumb. It felt surprisingly silky against my skin.

  Of course, this was a big mistake.

  My mom actually gasped. My dad asked what I was doing. Tim looked me dead in the eye and said, Your daughter is rolling right now.

  Which made me laugh some more. Then my mother asked what rolling meant, and that made me laugh even harder.

  The next thing I knew, Tim was telling my parents he couldn’t treat me when I was like this. That there was a detox facility in the hospital, or they could detox me at home. My mother was so white I thought I might be able to see through her.

  We’ll take her home, she said. We can handle this. Tim gave them some kind of pamphlet with instructions on what to do. Like I’m their new and exotic pet.

  And then I was back in the car and I was victorious. I’d gotten out of substance-abuse therapy. Go me!

  Of course, what I probably should’ve done was ask to see the pamphlet, because when we got home, my parents did every single thing it said to do, line by line. They made me sit in the corner while they searched every inch of my room, even though I kept telling them there were no more drugs. I’m not a junkie, I kept saying, but they didn’t listen. They emptied my drawers, my closet, my bedside tables, my desk, under my bed. My mom grabbed this journal, and started to flip through it, but I snatched it away from her, and hugged it to me while they finished their gestapo impression. Then they took everything out. My books, my iPod, my sketch pad, my old stuffed animals. Everything. And then they locked the door again.