Dancing with Molly

by Lena Horowitz

  So here I am. Stuck for three days straight while I “detox.” I swear, they’re all so clueless. The molly is already out of my system. I know, because I feel like shit. I don’t need three more days to flush anything out. If they knew anything about this drug, they’d know that.

  And if they knew anything about me, they’d know there’s no way I’m staying in this damn room alone for three whole days.

  Tuesday, July 8

  I am sooooo tired. I swear I slept almost all day. I only woke up to text with Carson, who was not arrested, but lost his phone somehow at the Flaming Daisy Carnival and had to get a new one. He’s fine. His mom talked to my dad and found out that my father only told the cops that Carson had kidnapped me so that they’d break him into the festival. So, no one at Carson’s house is very happy with my dad either. His parents are so cool. They just trust him. Whatever. At least he’s not mad at me. He just feels bad for me. He thinks my parents have gone off the deep end, and I so agree with him, because get this:

  Every once in a while I get up and check if my door is still locked and it is. It’s always locked. And every time I try to turn the knob, either my father or my mother instantly says, Do you need something? Yeah. One of them is always sitting right outside my door. Don’t they have anything better to do with their time?

  Somewhere around noon my head started pounding, like from the inside out. I went into my bathroom for some Tylenol, but it wasn’t there. Nothing’s there. They took every last thing out of my medicine cabinet, even my floss. Because, why? I might try to hang myself with it? Honestly I think my skull might break, but I refuse to ask them for anything. I’m just going to go back to sleep. They can’t stay out there all night, right? Later I’m going to look up how to pick a lock on the internet. God. I can’t believe I even just wrote that. I wonder what my parents would think if they knew that they were forcing me to become a criminal mastermind. But later. Right now, I can barely keep my eyes open.

  Wednesday, July 9

  I just slept for twenty-one hours straight. When I woke up, there was a sandwich and a bottle of water on my nightstand, and I was so starving I wolfed it down and then threw it right back up. I guess when you don’t eat for like a day and a half your stomach can’t handle that much food at one time. Anyway, I finally had to cave and ask my mom for my toothbrush and toothpaste. She stood in the doorway of the bathroom and watched me brush my teeth, then made me hand the brush and tube back to her.

  I feel like I’m broken. My whole body is tired, and I can’t even stand up straight. When I looked at my mom, I felt this pathetic impulse. I wanted her to hug me and kiss my forehead like she always does when I puke. But instead, she just gave me her patented look of disappointment, walked out, and locked the door again.

  Later, she brought me toast and chicken soup. I refused to eat it. I swear it’s like I’m in Guantánamo or something.

  Thursday, July 10

  I can’t take it anymore. I can’t. I’m going to lose my mind. I did find out how to pick a lock, but every time I so much as touch that doorknob, one of my parents barks at me. Is this the last day of my incarceration? I think it is, but I’m not sure. I swear if I have to stare at my walls for five more seconds, I’m going to lose it. I really am. I feel like my blood is made of caffeine. I can’t stop shaking. Is it a panic attack? I think it’s a panic attack. They can’t keep me locked up in here anymore. They just can’t. I’m texting Jess and Carson. Maybe they can figure out a way to get me out of here.

  Later . . .

  Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god.

  I’m so screwed. My parents caught me climbing out my window, and now they’ve taken my phone away too. And I have to go back to therapy tomorrow. And I’ll also probably never see my friends again.

  I spent half the day texting with Jess and Carson, trying to come up with a plan. Jess wanted to just come over and beg, but I knew that wouldn’t work. Not with the state of crazy my parents are currently living in. They knew they couldn’t get me out through my door, so then Carson suggested he bring an escape ladder. I think he was actually kidding, but I jumped on it. I mean, my parents are always inside the house, guarding the door. Would anyone really notice if he came over and put a ladder next to my window? The Jensens next door are away for the summer, so there’s no one on that side of the house to see. It was the perfect plan. Or so I thought.

  Carson knew that if he stepped foot on my yard, my dad would call the cops and this time he wouldn’t get off with a warning, so he sent Reid. I didn’t exactly love the idea of getting rescued by him, but I was so desperate at that point, I didn’t care. Plus, Reid is turning out to be the guy who’s up for anything, which I guess makes him a good person to have around. Sometimes, anyway.

  We decided to wait until ten o’clock, because I’d figured out that that was when my mom took over so my dad could go watch the news, probably. If Reid could get there right when my parents were having their nightly update about how my life is going down the toilet and what they can do to control me, then they might be too distracted to hear anything. I swear, time passed more and more slowly as we headed toward ten p.m., but then, finally, it was here, and Reid was right on time. I saw his truck turn onto our street, and he even turned off his headlights like he was in some spy movie.

  The sound of the ladder hitting the house seemed deafening to me, but my door didn’t open. I slid the window up as quietly as I could and looked down. Reid grinned up at me.

  S’up Rapunzel? he whispered.

  I rolled my eyes. The drop suddenly seemed so far, but this was the only way. My heart pounded like crazy as I put one foot out, then the other. The ladder was pretty steady, but I was still terrified as I started down it. Every second I expected to hear one of my parents shout at me from above, but they never did, and then, I was on the ground. I grinned at Reid and ran for his truck.

  The ladder! he whisper-shouted.

  Leave it! I cried back. Just get me out of here!

  I was just racing around the front of the house when my sister opened the front door with a book in her hand. Going to read on the porch swing like the picture of perfection she is. She took one look at me and I froze. I pleaded with her with my eyes and for half a second, I was sure she was going to take pity on me and let me go. Then, Reid came around the corner.

  Mom! Ashley screeched. Mom! Dad! Get out here!

  And the rest is history. I’m locked in my room again, and now I can’t even text my friends.

  I fucking hate Ashley.

  Monday, July 14

  I’ve been out of the house twice since my last entry, both times to counseling with Mr. Soul Patch. He wants me to call him Tim, so I call him Mr. Burbridge. So far, I haven’t said anything to him. Not one word aside from “Hello, Mr. Burbridge” and “Bye, Mr. Burbridge.” My mom goes in to chat with him after the sessions. When she comes out, she looks more pissed off than I’ve ever seen her and won’t speak to me on the way home. There’s a lot of not speaking going on around here in general.

  So, get this, I’m allowed out of my room. Know why? Over the weekend, my parents had a new alarm system installed and every time you open a window or a door, it announces which window or door has been opened. Yeah. I’m officially living in a loony bin.

  Also I officially have no life. The first thing I did when I got back from counseling was check my e-mail to see if Jess or Carson responded to the rants I sent them this morning. Neither one of them did.

  Wednesday, July 16

  I’m so bored! Honestly, how much reality TV can one person watch before their brain melts? I keep trying to read, but whenever I start, my mind wanders and I realize I’ve read the same sentence ten times, or that I’ve been staring at the wall for ten minutes thinking about nothing. I’m so bored that I actually talked to Mr. Soul Patch this morning. He asked me how I was feeling and I said, Like shit.

  So, he asked if I wanted to elaborate on that, and I said, Runny, mushy, smelly shit?

 
; I expected him to get angry, but he laughed.

  We talked for like five more minutes after that, mostly about how pissed off I was, because that’s all I feel. Angry. All the time. I don’t understand what my parents are so fricking tense about. So I went to a few parties. Obviously I’m not addicted to anything or I’d be jonesing for a fix right now, right? That’s the thing about molly. It’s NOT ADDICTIVE! Why doesn’t anybody get that? Why won’t they let me make my own decisions? I’ve been a good girl my whole entire life, never stepped a foot out of line, and the one time I try to have a little fun everyone goes apeshit crazy. It’s so not fair.

  So, I said all this to Soul Patch, and he said, You don’t understand why your parents are worried about you? Why they’re afraid for you?

  My jaw clenched, and I said, no. I wish they’d just get the eff off my back.

  He wasn’t smiling anymore when he said the session was over.

  Friday, July 18

  I got an e-mail from Jess today. First one in four days. She got a job at the Dairy Queen for the rest of the summer, so I guess she’s busy. I guess Carson’s busy too, because I barely hear from him and when I do it’s like one line about something he did that day or where he’s going next. They’re all free. They’re all out there having lives. No one cares that my life is over. No one cares about me.

  I got so bored today that I tried to play my clarinet, but I couldn’t get into it. I put it back in the case, and shoved it into the back of my closet. For the last three hours, I’ve been lying here, staring at the ceiling. It’s like I can’t get into anything. Not playing, not reading, not even Candy Crush. Nothing’s fun anymore. Even writing this is making me bored. It’s five o’clock and sunny as anything outside. I can hear kids playing down the street, shrieking and laughing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sad.

  Friday, July 25

  I miss my friends. I miss school. I can’t even believe it’s summer. Somewhere out there people are swimming. They’re at the beach, they’re having barbecues, they’re going to concerts. I miss having something to do other than listen to fucking Soul Patch and hear my parents sigh. I don’t think I can do this much longer. I really don’t.

  Saturday, July 26

  Okay, this has been the weirdest day. I don’t even know where to start. But my parents let me out of the house. Alone. I know. I couldn’t even believe it. It was mostly my father, really. He took pity on me. He said he couldn’t take my sad face anymore. And I guess he can tell I’m not some crazed addict, since I haven’t had a hit of molly in over two weeks and I haven’t started seizing or tried to kill anyone for drug money. Anyway, Jess called and asked him if I could come over, and he said yes. Later she told me she actually dropped the phone.

  So, okay. Before I left, he told me I was to go straight to Jess’s and come straight home and that, of course, I wasn’t to touch drugs or alcohol. He said he was trusting me. And then he gave me the car keys.

  Woo-hoo! I’d never been so excited in my whole life. I swear, driving over to Jess’s, everything looked different. It was all brighter and sharper somehow. I felt like I’d just come out of a coma or something.

  Anyway, the first thing Jess did after hugging me for like five minutes was tell me that Kelly’s friend Jasmine was having a party. Her parents were out of town and she had a pool with a swirly slide and everything, and I was like, I’m in. She only lives five minutes away and swimming seemed like an awesome idea. I’d worn a bathing suit under my clothes so we could lie out in the backyard, so I was good to go.

  When we got there, it was totally clear that half the people at the party were rolling. People were making out in the pool or chasing one another around the yard with these huge bubble wands, popping monster bubbles with their tongues. One guy on a lounge chair was rubbing lotion onto a girl’s back and looked like he was in heaven. Everyone was having so much fun, but I felt this odd prickle in the back of my throat. I mean, I knew it was safe and that if I popped some molly I’d have an awesome time—a time that might even make up for my last two-plus weeks of incarceration—but I’d promised my dad. He was trusting me. Maybe we shouldn’t have left Jess’s house after all.

  Kelly spotted us from across the pool and came running over. She gave Jess a big, fat kiss and then threw her arms around me yelling that she thought she’d never see me again. Then she dragged us both into the plush basement and over to the bar, where a guy with spiky green hair was cutting molly.

  You guys are in, right? Say you’re in! Kelly cheered.

  There was a mirror over the bar and I caught a glimpse of two old people on the couch behind us. I flinched around. They weren’t crazy, grandparent old, but they were at least my parents’ age. And they were sitting on the couch in bathing suits, sliding their hands up and down each other’s bare legs and arms, their eyes wide and unfocused like they were in ecstasy.

  I thought you said her parents weren’t going to be here, I said, totally freaked.

  Oh, those aren’t her parents. That dude is Jasmine’s supplier, and I guess that’s his girlfriend or whatever, Kelly said. His shit is good.

  The two adults started making out, him pressing her back onto the couch. Something about those two going at it made me sick to my stomach, but I also couldn’t look away. It was kind of like a train wreck. The first time I’d been out of my house and away from my warden parents and all I could think about was getting out of here and going home.

  You want? The green-haired guy asked, holding out a tiny, expertly prepared bag of molly to me. Jess and Kelly were already holding theirs. I looked in the mirror. The man was untying his girlfriend’s bathing suit.

  Yeah. I want.

  I took the bag and downed it with an entire bottle of water, then grabbed my friends’ arms and pulled them back outside. No way did I want to watch the over-the-hill sex show anymore. I dove right into the pool and let the cool water envelop me. It felt so good I suddenly realized I probably could have gone without the drugs. Everything felt good to me after being locked up. Just breathing the fresh air, feeling the sun on my face, hearing my friends’ voices. But it was too late now. The drugs were already working their way into my system. And before long, I started to feel them. At one point, I emerged from the water and there was a crazy glow around the sun. I knew I was rolling.

  I got out of the pool and found a towel, which I laid down on the grass, letting the warmth of the sun coat my body. My skin tingled everywhere, and suddenly I wished like anything that Carson was there, but my parents hadn’t given me back my phone, so I couldn’t even text him to come over. I lifted my head to look around for Jess, and realized she was right beside me, making out with Kelly like a madwoman. I laughed and lay back down again. Huge bubbles floated past my face, making rainbows across the sky. I’d never seen anything so beautiful.

  Before long I felt someone caressing the skin on my arm, and it felt sooo good. I looked over, and it was Kelly. She was still making out with Jess, but she was stroking my arm. I laughed, wondering if she even realized she was touching the wrong girl. Then she kind of rolled off Jess and cuddled up next to me, saying my skin was so soft. She kissed my neck, and it felt so good just to be touched. Before I knew it, Jess was kissing my neck on the other side. I kept giggling, and they kind of made a game of it, seeing who could make me laugh the hardest. Then they sat up again and started kissing each other right over me, making a bridge over my belly. I watched them, and Jess’s hair trailed on my skin, setting every particle on fire. After a while I closed my eyes, and they eventually went back to toying with my skin, playing with my fingers and toes like I was their personal toy. It was fun and silly and chill, and every moment of it felt so very good.

  Now, as I’m writing this, I’m glad that’s as far as it went. I know from experience how things can get out of control, and I love Jess, but I don’t want to kiss her on the mouth or do anything else like that with her. I think it would mess with our friendship. It’s a little weird that she was kissing
my neck, I guess, but not really. I’ve done more than that with other girls.

  The two things that are freaking me out are: 1) the fact that I lied straight to my father’s face when I got home tonight. I made up this whole story about how we ordered pizza and watched old videos of us from when we were little. I don’t even know where all the details came from, but they just did, and he believed me.

  No drugs? he said.

  No drugs, I told him.

  I didn’t even blink. And every time I think about it, I feel icky and twisted inside. But why? I just totally proved my point. I can do molly and be totally fine and not let things get out of hand. I can do it and then come home and be totally normal. So why do I feel like I’ve done something really, really wrong?

  2) I can’t get that older couple out of my head. They were my parents’ age, yet they thought it was perfectly cool to spend a summer Saturday rolling with a bunch of teenagers. I keep imagining that it was my parents, and every time I do, I start to heave. I wonder if they have kids. I wonder if their kids knew what they were doing today.

  Every time I think about it, I shudder. Honestly, those people may have ruined molly for me. Ugh.

  Sunday, July 27

  Oh my god, Carson is here! We’re going out to dinner! I can’t believe he talked my parents into it, but he did! He kept saying, Just dinner, I swear. He apologized up and down about the Flaming Daisy Carnival and even told them he really cared about me and wouldn’t let anything happen to me. My parents said it was fine, but I have to text them every half hour and update them on where we are and what we’re doing. Ugh. But whatever. I’ll do anything to spend a night with Carson. I feel like my life is finally getting back to normal. Okay, I have to go. Just wanted to write quickly how HAPPY I AM!!!!!