The Dark Lord Bert 2

by Chris Fox

  Bert scrunched his eyes, and went for the throat, metaphorically speaking. He was too short to reach White’s throat.

  He’d had a great deal of time to think, and knew that he’d only really get one chance at ending White. Bert used the dark lord trope, and peered beyond White to the character sheet outside reality.

  There it was, and Bert could see all of his abilities. His hit points. Seven hundred? How was that fair? Not a problem. Bert would simply give White one hit point. He willed the sheet to change, but…nothing happened.

  “Yes, you begin to realize your predicament.” White tsked at Bert as he wagged his finger. “Did you think I’d ever leave you in a position to cheat again? I gave my class the feature cannot be illegally modified by game masters, players, or dark lords. You can’t touch me, Bert.”

  Bert’s eyes widened, and he enacted the next phase in his plan. Bert turned on his heel and ran. He sprinted from the room, and into the maze. “Dark elf person can’t touch Bert either!”

  He sprinted through the maze, winding back toward the volcano. White’s angry shouts fell further and further behind, and Bert began to breathe easier.

  “Nicely done.” Kit’s voice emanated from the shadows, and he realized she must still be invisible. “Hopefully he bypasses the rest of your monsters, and comes straight for us. Have you prepared the sky rock?”

  “Bert put it in place.” Bert began to pace back and forth again, this time from nervousness. “White coming. He so much more powerful than Bert thought. Bert worried we going to lose.”

  “The rest of the plan is still intact, right?” Kit shifted uncomfortably. “He touches the rock and our problem is solved.”

  Bert nodded weakly, but didn’t reply. He didn’t believe the rock would work. Nothing else had slowed White, and odds were good that he’d have some power or ability to nullify the sky rock.

  What could Bert do? Maybe his monsters would get away, at the very least. Maybe Bert and Kit could run too, and they could simply let White keep the sky rock.

  No. Bert had spent too much time running. Too much time hiding. He would see this through to the end. Whether White fought his monsters or not he would eventually come to the end of the maze.

  When he did Bert would be ready. White had proven arrogant so far. Getting him to touch the sky rock shouldn’t be that hard. All Bert had to do was survive and hope for the best.

  33

  Surrender

  White strode through the maze in no particular hurry. The dark lord had made his pathetic attempt, and fled. Kit, whom White had glimpsed hiding in the corner, had slunk after the goblin. His class granted permanent see invisibility, of course, in addition to night vision.

  Nothing Bert or Kit had done thus far had proven even the slightest bit effective. White didn’t want to grow overconfident, but it was hard not to strut as he made his way through his newest dungeon. This would make an excellent secondary fortress, particularly with the forge, which he hadn’t yet seen, but had certainly heard of.

  White began humming to himself, and had almost forgotten Bert entirely when he came around a corner into another large room. Just how big was this maze, anyway? It seemed endless.

  A glass marble flashed through the air and cracked into his chin, forcing White back a step. Another took him in the shoulder, then another to the crotch. More and more marbles slammed into him, as a…was that a bipedal rhinoceros? Spitting marbles?

  White raised a hand to cast a spell, but as he opened his mouth a gob of sticky webbing slammed into his face and pinned his head to the wall behind him. Now that his shield was down the blow actually inflicted damage. Not much past his damage resistance, but enough to annoy the necromancer.

  Bert’s monsters were going to have to die.

  An SUV-sized spider landed on his back, and crushed White down into the stone. Fangs sank into his neck, and hot acidic poison pumped into the wound.

  “Pathetic.” White teleported up the hallway, within sight, but close to a corner he could duck around if needed. He raised a hand and pointed at the spider. “DIE!”

  The spider reeled backwards as the potent magic overtook her, then flopped over onto her back. One of her limbs darted into a pink purse, and withdrew a smartphone in a rhinestone case. She held it over her, and the red recording light came on. “Oh…I’ve been killed. Alas, for I am, like, dead and stuff.”

  “Oh, get on with it,” White demanded. “You’re supposed to just die. You don’t get an entire scene.”

  “I’m live-streaming to Egoboost right now.” The spider adjusted the angle of her smartphone, then arched her back. “Ack…for I am dead.” Then she went limp.

  White suppressed his annoyance and turned back to the rhino. As a twelfth level character he had access to sixth level spells, and one of those spells transmuted materials. White pointed at the rhino, who still spat marbles in his direction. “Lava in speculo!”

  The glow of the volcano had given him an idea, and White turned all the marbles in the rhino’s gullet into lava, with predictable results. The rhino clutched at his stomach. “Oh, crap. Acid reflux. Imma go to the nurse’s office.”

  The rhino keeled over suddenly, and did not rise. Little streams of smoke rose from his eyes, ears, and butt. White stepped over the body, and continued through the maze.

  This time when he finally emerged, it wasn’t into a large room, but rather an empty area with a stairwell leading down toward the volcano itself. He’d finally reached the end of the maze.

  White strode boldly down the stairs, and scanned the area within the volcano. A large disembodied eye hovered above, blinking down at him. White smiled up at it. “Ah, the legendary Eye of Soreness. You were a case study in Evil University. One of my favorites. It’s a real pleasure to meet you.”

  “I wish I could say the same.” The eye blinked down at him. “You’re not half the dark lord Bert is. Didn’t you lose to a critter?”

  White’s fists tightened in rage. Even his idols seemed to prefer the goblin. Well, they did for now anyway. Once he’d thrown the goblin into the volcano, then perhaps they’d treat him with more respect.

  “Where is he?” White’s eyes narrowed, and he marched over to the cliff as he looked around for the goblin.

  “Bert here.” The goblin stepped out from behind a ledge, and White noted the greenish glow that came from behind his armored foe. A glow that could only emanate from the sky rock. “Bert tired of running. Won’t run any more.”

  “Then stand and die.” White gave a magnanimous laugh. “I assume Kit is here somewhere too? Come out and have a last chat. I promise to let the both of you live. I just want the sky rock and this dungeon. You’re free to leave with your lives, so long as you amuse me first, and swear fealty.”

  “Bert don’t think you can take sky rock. Rock too powerful.” The goblin stuck his tongue out again, which didn’t bother him. Kit’s scornful laugh, on the other hand, most definitely drew his ire.

  “We’ll see about that.” White stalked forward and ignored the goblin. If he killed Bert now he’d regret it later. No, better to enslave him, and keep him alive for decades of torturous amusement.

  White walked around the ledge expecting a trap, but there was none. The strange sky rock, which was large enough that it would require both hands to lift, sat on the floor, completely unprotected.

  He walked over and rested a hand against the wonderful rock, and shivered as a thrill of power rushed through him.

  White blinked as he stared down at the die. The d20. It wasn’t a sky rock, any more than he was the Dark Lord White. His name was Robert, and he could remember the real world.

  Right now he was more interested in this one. The die he held gave him the power to reshape the entire imaginary realm as he saw fit. It made him the game master. Whoever possessed it shaped and controlled all of reality.

  He craned his head back and laughed.

  What kind of template did he want to use? Fantasy was played out. Maybe he cou
ld do Shadowsprint or Portals? Those were both modern settings. Hmm. He could probably even do something litRPG-themed. The possibilities were endless.

  Whatever he chose, though, it would begin with destroying everything that already existed. Good riddance.

  34

  The D20

  Bert gaped in horror as a triumphant smile creased the dark elf’s face. Bert could still see White’s character sheet, and that awareness revealed something awful.

  As White seized the rock his character ceased to be a player character, and became something called a game master. Power swelled and grew, and all Bert knew was that White had somehow overcome the sky rock, exactly as he’d feared.

  He no longer possessed a character sheet. Not really. White was a sort of avatar now. That character one of many, and he could simply make another one even if Bert were to somehow overcome him.

  “I believe,” the necromancer crowed, “that I might do something cyberpunk-ish. Perhaps some epic space fantasy, ala The Magitech Chronicles. Then I can play an actual god.”

  Bert had no idea what White was going on about, but the wave of power surging within the sky rock couldn’t be ignored. White had caused that to happen. White could use the sky rock, and the sky rock controlled everything in Bert’s whole world.

  So what could Bert do about it? Was there anyone larger and more capable who might help? Bert glanced around for Kit, but she was still invisible. He looked up at the Eye of Soreness, but the eye had retreated to the top of the volcano, where it appeared to be avoiding notice.

  No one was going to deal with this problem. So Bert needed to deal with this problem. But how? Everything he’d tried had failed. Every plan had been foiled. How had he beaten White last time? He’d altered his character sheet, which he had already tried.

  But before changing the sheet Bert had crossed the entire throne room and climbed the throne during the middle of an intense combat. He’d gotten right up to White, because White couldn’t see critters. That might still be true, and even if it wasn’t White seemed preoccupied with whatever magic he was about to unleash.

  “White, please.” Kit’s form shimmered into existence, and the sorceress cautiously approached the necromancer. “I don’t understand what that thing is, but it sounds like you’re about to do something terrible.”

  “Ah, Jess.” White shook his head and a condescending smile grew. “I really do think you’re a good player. Our conflicts stem from being too similar, I think. You’ll do much better with me as the game master. We’d no longer have to be adversaries. We could probably even modify your existing character to fit. I think a True Mage archetype, with life and air. You could play an artificer. I’d even start you with a divinity score right away. You could be a god.”

  Kit had cocked her head, and Bert realized that she understood at least some of what White had said. Bert had gotten precisely none of it, but he did note something neither seemed to be aware of.

  The sky rock had begun to vibrate. And so had the mountain around them. Bert didn’t understand what the sky rock was, but he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that White was about to use it incorrectly, and that when he did he’d blow up the entire world. All of it.

  Even Boberton.

  Rage bubbled up in Bert. Pure anger. He would not let White destroy the entire world, and right now Kit had him distracted. He would never have a better chance to act.

  Bert summoned his magic, but he whispered the spell so that White wouldn’t hear. “Magic sword!”

  The hilt of a saber appeared in his hand, and the blade was comprised completely of light. It hummed as he swung it, and he suspected the light to be very sharp indeed. This would do nicely.

  Bert peered up at White, who stood right next to the cliff overlooking the pit of lava below. One hand was held triumphantly above him, clutching the sky rock, which had somehow shrunk to fit in the palm of his hand.

  “Bert fly!” He whispered the words under his breath, then leapt into the air like a bird, and swooped toward White’s outstretched hand. He brought his laser sword down, and sliced through White’s finger and thumb.

  Because Bert’s monsters had already lowered the necromancer’s defenses, it worked! Bert lopped off two fingers, and the sky rock, now conveniently Bert-sized, tumbled free of White’s grasp.

  The rock fell end over end toward the hungry lava, and White screeched, “My precious!” Then dove off the cliff after it. Dragon wings sprang from the necromancer’s back, another new ability that should have been foreshadowed earlier, and he sailed down to retrieve the sky rock.

  No! Bert would get there first. He pressed his arms and legs flat against his body, and willed the fly spell to carry him after the rock. Touching it might kill him, but Bert was going to make sure that the sky rock ended up in the lava, where White couldn’t get it. The lava looked very hot, and would probably melt the rock in any case.

  As they zoomed toward the orange lake Bert noted that the rock’s vibration had increased. The energy built and built, and very soon now he believed it would explode. Would the lava stop that? Should Bert try to get the rock far away from here?

  Whatever he decided it began with touching the rock, so Bert stuck out his tongue to increase his speed, and snatched up the rock just before White’s greedy fingers could clutch it.

  Bert had seen what happened when the elves touched the rock, and fully expected to go poof. That didn’t happen. The instant Bert’s fingers brushed the rock, time stopped.

  Everything around him froze. Bert hovered in midair, just above the lava, with White’s snarling face a bit above him as the necromancer lunged for the sky rock.

  A sort of awareness grew in Bert as he fixed his attention on the rock. No, not the rock, the die.

  A strange bubbliness welled up as green magic flowed from the die and up his arm. That magic brought more knowledge, and Bert understood many things.

  It wasn’t a sky rock after all, but rather a focus for generating an entire magical realm. His realm.

  The d20 had created everything. Paradise. The town of $Placeholder. Even Bert and Boberton had been created by the die. Bert could sense the immensity of magic within it, the untapped power waited to be shaped as he willed.

  Each and every elf who’d flung themselves at the die was now inside it, ready to be plopped back into the world, however and wherever Bert would like. They weren’t dead, merely in stasis.

  So long as Bert held the die he was the game master, and could bring the elves back. Not just the elves, either. There was Sheila, and Brownie Monster, and the hungry hungry rhino. There was G. Mayor and everyone else White had murdered.

  Unfortunately, Bert had a more immediate problem and lacked the time to investigate this new knowledge. Well, two problems, technically. First, the die was vibrating even more fiercely and he knew he was running out of time.

  He needed to find the cause of the vibration, and stop it, quickly. But he also needed to restart time, which meant dealing with the snarling dark elf above him.

  It was time to deal with the Dark Lord White once and for all.

  35

  Hullo

  Bert willed time to restart, and it did.

  He hovered calmly above the lava as White launched his assault. The would-be dark lord raised a finger, and commanded Bert to die. Bert decided that he didn’t want to, so he didn’t. The d20 allowed him to overrule anything he didn’t like.

  White followed up the death spell with a crackling lightning bolt, which seemed scary and rather dangerous, and so Bert decided to make the spell hit White instead. White crackled with electricity, and tumbled from the air as he plummeted toward the lava.

  Bert briefly considered saving him, but White had been very nasty, and Bert suspected he wouldn’t change. So Bert let him fall into the lava with a little splash.

  He felt a little badly. What had made White such a despicable person? Bert didn’t like him, but also didn’t want anyone to suffer, not even nasty people.

/>   A moment later White burst out of the lava in a snarl, his dragon wings flapping and his entire body covered in magma that had burned off his hair and clothing. A naked and crispy necromancer fluttered in Bert’s direction with skeletal dragon wings, only his long curved ears evidence that he was still a dark elf.

  Bert considered a dozen responses, but the die vibrated in Bert’s hand and he knew time was short. If he didn’t diffuse whatever was happening right now, they were all going to die.

  They only had seconds. A great deal of work needed to be done in a terrifyingly brief span, so he got right to work.

  First, Bert had to deal with White, as expediently as possible. Being the game master had opened up a whole bunch of things he didn’t even know he knew. Bert could make things and take things away. Could he take White away?

  Hmm. Since Bert had taken the d20, White’s character sheet had shifted again. He was a player once more, just like Kit. But White had made it so that no one could change his character sheet, and Bert didn’t see a way around it.

  Hmm. Bert relied on the intelligence from dark lord trope, but even sticking his tongue out didn’t provide an immediate answer. Bert stepped to the right in midair and dodged White’s charge as he continued to chew on the problem.

  Hmm.

  Kit left sometimes. So did her friends. He’d followed the adventurers for a long time, and when they finished their adventures they disappeared. They went somewhere.

  “Die show Bert where Kit go.” Bert held the die up and peered at it the same way his mother peered at him when she wanted him to do something.

  In his head, a sort of mental picture, Bert saw a strange far away world. The place where Kit went when she wasn’t playing. It seemed a very, very long way away.

  “Okay, rock.” Bert shook the rock to make the magic more bubbly. “Send White back to strange world!”