The Uncertain Years

by Beryl Matthews

  ‘Rebecca, you’re a caring, loving, bright girl, and I don’t give a damn about your background.’

  ‘You tell yourself that now, because your main concern is to have a mother for your daughter, but the day would come when you’d look at me and wonder how I was going to handle certain people who might be important to you. I care too much for you to do that to either of us.’

  ‘That doesn’t say much for me, does it?’ He was clearly hurt by her words. ‘I know you would never let me down, or Sara. I wouldn’t be asking you to marry me if I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do.’

  ‘I know, and you must have had a lot of time to think about it while you were trying to get home again.’ She was desperate to make him understand why she was refusing. ‘David, I am who I am, and not ashamed of it, but a girl who likes nothing better than to take engines apart and get covered in grease is not the right person for you. You need a sophisticated, cultured woman who will help your career by entertaining the upper classes when necessary. I do love you, but I’d be like a fish out of water.’ She took a deep, shuddering breath. ‘Please understand, for both our sakes, that I am not the woman for you, no matter how much I might wish to be. It just wouldn’t work. You must see that.’

  He was absolutely still for a moment, then stepped towards her, running his fingers gently down her cheek. ‘You think too much, and I wish you weren’t so sensible.’

  ‘Perhaps it was growing up with the boys that made me aware of life from a male point of view. Or maybe I’m just a fool and throwing away the greatest chance of happiness I’ll ever have.’

  ‘The last thing you are is a fool, Rebecca.’ He dipped his head and kissed her lingeringly, folding her in his arms. When he reluctantly broke the embrace, he said, ‘Is there the faintest chance that will change your mind?’

  She shook her head, unable to speak.

  ‘I didn’t think it would, but I’ve wanted to do that from the moment I saw you.’

  Becky’s head was reeling. She had never been kissed like that before, but David was a full-grown man – and she was a fool! Yet deep inside she knew she had made the right decision. What he felt for her was physical attraction, and he saw a suitable mother for his daughter. She could understand his motives, but a marriage like that would tear her apart, and ultimately bring unhappiness to his family. He was offering her a marriage of convenience, but this wasn’t the 1800s. At least he wasn’t trying to deceive her into thinking it would be a love match.

  He stood back, ‘You won’t marry me, so where does that leave us?’

  ‘That leaves us with friendship,’ she said sadly.

  David grimaced. ‘Not enough – but it will have to do – for the moment. I want you to keep visiting Sara and my parents, please.’

  ‘Of course.’ She wondered what he meant by ‘for the moment’.

  He held out his hand. ‘Friends?’

  She nodded and smiled as they shook hands. ‘One day you’ll thank me for turning you down.’

  ‘I doubt that very much, my little mechanical genius. But I want you to know that I understand everything you’ve said, even though I don’t agree, and my respect for you has deepened even more. You’re a special girl, Rebecca, and I warn you now that I haven’t taken your refusal as final. I’m not a man to give up this easily.’

  ‘Oh, one day an elegant woman will come into your life and you’ll soon forget about me.’

  ‘Never! You will always be a part of our lives now. Your caring heart has touched us all.’ He smiled down at her. ‘Now, we must join the others for lunch.’

  Chapter Twenty-One

  ‘Is it all right if I wish you a belated happy New Year?’ Alice tipped her head to one side, examining Becky carefully.

  ‘Of course, and a happy 1942 to you as well. Did you have a good Christmas with your family?’

  ‘Lovely, but what’s happened, Becky? You’re troubled. Are the boys all right?’

  ‘As far as I know.’ Becky glanced around the mess to see if they would be overheard if she spoke freely, but they were sitting at a table away from everyone else. Whatever was said between them would not be heard.

  When Becky still hesitated, Alice prompted, ‘It sometimes helps to talk things through, and whatever you tell me won’t go any further. If it isn’t the boys, then it must be the colonel. What’s he been up to now?’

  Becky couldn’t help laughing. ‘There you go again, Alice. Are you sure you can’t read minds?’

  ‘Positive. Though I am good at reading expressions. Talk, my friend, and you’ll feel better. It was something I should have done after Anthony was killed, but I kept it all inside me. I knew that had been a big mistake as soon as I saw Jim at the funeral of his parents. Tell me, Becky,’ she urged gently.

  ‘On Boxing Day, in the morning, I was given a driving job. I had to go and collect David, and be his driver for the day. When I arrived I found he wouldn’t be going anywhere until the afternoon …’

  Alice settled as comfortably as she could in the hard chairs, and listened as the story poured out.

  ‘Am I a fool, Alice? Did I do the right thing?’

  ‘That isn’t for me to say. You did what you thought was right, and that’s all any of us can do. Don’t hold on to regrets or doubts, or you will be hurting yourself unnecessarily. I know you adore the man, and I think you’ve been brave and sensible. My opinion, for what it’s worth, is that you’ve probably saved both of you a lot of future pain.’

  Becky nodded. ‘That’s how I feel. He didn’t try to fool me into thinking it was a great passion on his part. He wants a mother for his daughter, and as I get on so well with Sara and his parents … Well.’ She took a deep breath. ‘He finds me attractive and amusing, and that might be enough for him, but it isn’t for me. My mum and dad love each other through the good and the bad times, and that’s the kind of marriage I want.’

  ‘Then you must wait for it.’ Alice reached across and patted her arm. ‘Don’t accept second best, and as far as I can see, that’s what he’s offering you. You would have had to leave the army, and I know you don’t want to do that. If anyone was made for this kind of life, it’s you, and I expect he knows you would make an understanding wife for a career soldier. He’s also very concerned for his little daughter and his family; after all, it isn’t fair to expect grandparents to bring up a child. They should be thinking of retirement now and some time to themselves. But he’s asking too much of you, Becky.’

  ‘I’d have been prepared to do all of that if I’d been sure he really loved me, but he’s never once used that word. He’s choosing with his head and not his heart, and that makes me doubtful about marrying him.’

  ‘Then you’ve done the right thing. Remain his friend and write to him, and keep visiting his family. And be happy, Becky. You had enough sense not to fall into a golden trap, and in time, you’ll both be grateful it’s turned out this way.’

  ‘You’re right.’ Becky sat up straight and smiled at her friend. ‘Thank you for listening; I feel better now.’

  ‘Good.’ Alice glanced at the clock on the wall. ‘What say we go to the dance in the Town Hall tonight? Music and lively company will do us both good. You know, we are all living unnatural lives at the moment, and with the danger, uncertainty, and never knowing if someone you love is going to die suddenly, it’s easy to become confused. Many hasty marriages are taking place which could end in unhappiness.’

  ‘You’re right again. Decisions are being made that wouldn’t have been considered in peace time.’ Becky was on her feet, smiling now. ‘Let’s go and see if we can cadge a lift to the dance.’

  ‘I’ve already arranged it in the hope I could persuade you to come dancing,’ Alice told her as they walked out of the mess. ‘Where is the colonel stationed now?’

  ‘I drove him to Bordon after lunch, and after he’d checked in I took him and another officer to Headley Down, and left them there. They were getting a lift back to Bordon later in the day.’
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  ‘Isn’t that where the Canadians are based?’

  ‘Yes, Headley Down is quite close to Bordon. I met some of the Canadians and they seemed a nice bunch.’ Becky grinned. ‘They insisted I have coffee and something to eat before driving back. Anyone would have thought I’d had a long journey instead of only a few miles.’

  ‘We’ll have to see if we can get an invite there some time. When you write to the colonel ask him if they hold dances at the camp, and if so, could we come, please. Don’t forget to add the “please”.’

  ‘Alice, you’re incorrigible.’

  ‘Don’t look so shocked. Nearly all the girls here would jump at the chance to go. It’s no good having contacts in high places if you don’t ask the occasional favour.’

  ‘I’ll do what you suggest, but if David is able to arrange something, then you’ll have to organise the girls.’

  ‘Perhaps we could take a lorry or two full of girls.’ Alice was enthusiastic about the idea. ‘I’m quite happy to make the arrangements here. Write to him tonight.’

  Becky glanced at her friend. ‘I’m pleased to see you’re beginning to socialise again.’

  ‘I made Anthony a promise that I would get on with my life if he was killed. He knew his chances of surviving were not good, and he didn’t want me to waste my life grieving for too long. I intend to keep my promise, hard though it is.’ Her smile was tinged with deep sadness. ‘When I’ve had a bad day and tears come too easily, I feel as if he’s standing beside me saying, “Come on, my girl, that’s enough of that!”’

  ‘So he might be for all we know.’

  ‘True, and if that’s the case then he’ll be glad we’re going dancing tonight.’

  There was quite a crowd waiting to get on the lorry to take them to the dance, and when Pete saw Becky, he called her over. ‘I’m glad you’re coming. You don’t drink much, do you?’

  Laughing, she said, ‘In other words, will I stay sober and drive back?’

  ‘Oh, thanks for offering. I can relax and enjoy myself now.’

  ‘I didn’t offer, but if I think you’ve had too much I will take over.’

  ‘You’re a pal. You’re the most sensible girl on the camp.’

  She pulled a face, remembering what David had said. ‘I’ve been called that before.’

  ‘Right, everyone in,’ Pete shouted, ‘and you’ll all be pleased to know we’ve got a relief driver. If the top brass are safe with her, then we certainly are.’

  A cheer went up and a voice called, ‘Good on ya, Becky. Save the first dance for me.’

  She looked straight at Aussie, as everyone called him. He was English really, but had lived in Australia for some years, and as soon as war had been declared he’d come straight back and volunteered. He was also another survivor of Dunkirk. ‘Can they dance down under?’

  ‘Sure, I’ll show you some real fancy footwork.’

  A lot of teasing and rude remarks were flying around as everyone climbed in the back of the lorry.

  Pete beckoned to Becky and Alice. ‘You two are in the front with me. You don’t want to cram in with that rough crowd.’

  The Town Hall was packed when they arrived, and Aussie immediately whisked Becky on to the dance floor. As it turned out he hadn’t been boasting and was an excellent dancer. So was she; her father had taught her, and had even shown her how to do the Charleston. They’d had such fun dancing around the kitchen table to jazz music.

  The girls were never without partners for the entire evening. They might be living in uncertain times, but everyone loved to forget the war for a while and dance. It was a favourite way to spend an evening. Alice and Becky smiled at each other with understanding as they let off steam, pushing the heartaches, doubts and fears to the background for a few hours.

  As expected, Pete had had far too much to drink, so Becky drove the lorry back to camp at the end of the evening. She had been careful to only have soft drinks. It didn’t worry her because most of the time she would rather have a cup of tea, never having acquired much of a taste for alcohol.

  When they all tumbled out of the lorry at camp and made their way to the various billets, Alice caught Becky’s arm.

  ‘Don’t forget to write to your colonel before you turn in.’

  ‘Not tonight,’ she groaned. ‘I’m too tired.’

  ‘All right, but do it in the morning before you go on duty.’

  ‘You’re a slave driver, Alice. Is this how you treat your major?’

  ‘Of course; it’s the only way to get things done, so you be sure to do the letter.’

  ‘I promise, but he probably won’t even answer.’

  ‘I’ll bet you five shillings he does, and right away. It’s a good idea.’

  ‘You’re on!’ she said before they went their separate ways, with smiles on their faces, each one confident they were going to win the bet.

  Four days later a letter arrived from David saying that he liked the idea of a dance for the Canadians, and if they could manage to fill a lorry with girls, he’d see what he could do about setting it up. The Canadians would love a chance to meet some of the ATS, and he’d let her know the date as soon as possible.

  Becky paid a smug-looking Alice her winnings.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  The notice about the dance to be held at Headley Down came through official channels. All women who would like to attend were instructed to give their names to Major Brent. It was no surprise to Becky that David had enlisted the help of the major, because she knew the two men were good friends. The arrangements were left to Alice, as expected.

  ‘My goodness,’ Alice said as she counted the names on the list. ‘Well over half the women at this camp want to come.’

  Becky leant across to study the list. ‘Hmm. Three lorries might do it.’

  ‘Will you drive one?’

  ‘I don’t mind, but it’s not up to me. You must see the officer in charge. He’ll allocate the lorries and choose the drivers.’

  ‘Right.’ Alice stood up. ‘I’ll do that now. You coming with me?’

  After glancing at her watch, Becky shook her head. ‘Sorry, I’ve got to take your major to London in half an hour.’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t know you were to be his driver.’

  ‘Word seems to have got out that I know my way around London, and I’m getting most of those runs. I don’t know what time I’ll be back.’

  ‘Make him get a move on and I’ll meet you in the NAAFI this evening.’

  Becky laughed. ‘You might talk to him like that, but I’ll be on a charge if I do.’

  ‘No you won’t. He’s a sweetie really. You tell him I’ve got a drink lined up for you.’

  ‘I won’t do anything of the kind.’ Becky studied her friend and pursed her lips. ‘You know, when I first met you at the recruitment office, I thought you were posh. Someone without a hair out of place and determined to get on in life. But you’re nothing like that, are you? The person you present in your job is quite different from your true nature. You’re like the boys – the same devilish sense of humour and likely to get me into trouble quite easily.’

  Alice laughed out loud. ‘Darn it, you’ve worked it out at last. I’ll tell your commander that you’ve volunteered to drive one lorry, shall I?’

  Raising her hands in surrender, Becky shook her head. ‘You’ll do whatever you want, no matter what I say. I don’t know how your major puts up with you.’

  ‘Ask him.’ Alice winked at Becky, then marched away, heading for the transport section.

  Having a few minutes to spare, Becky went to check that the car was in order, a thoughtful expression on her face. Since Anthony had been killed her friend had changed. It was as if she was determined to enjoy every day, and in that way honour her promise to him. All news, good or bad, was taken calmly. When it was bad she would say that the tide would change – it always did. The loss of the man she loved had made her more resilient, stronger. Perhaps the danger and uncertainty they were living thr
ough now was doing the same to all of them. Who knows, she thought, giving the windscreen of the car an extra buff. It was easier to see the changes in other people than in yourself.

  She was always very careful to be punctual, and Major Brent appeared as soon as she drove up to the door.

  They had been driving for about fifteen minutes when he said, ‘Are you looking forward to the dance?’

  ‘Yes, sir. Thank you for arranging it.’

  ‘No trouble. Fortunately I have a very efficient assistant.’

  Becky hid her smile, knowing full well that Alice was doing all the work. ‘Will you be coming, sir?’

  ‘I’ll be there, but the officers will be keeping well out of the way. I shall be dining with Colonel Hammond and the Canadian officers.’

  That answered the question lingering in her mind. It was unlikely she would see David. ‘Will you be needing a driver, sir?’

  ‘No, I shall be taking my own car. I will only be in London for about two hours today, and would like to be back by seven at the latest.’

  ‘Yes, sir.’ The subject of the dance had been closed, so she settled to enjoy the next few hours. Driving was her passion, and she was grateful to the army for giving her such excellent, wide-ranging training. She secretly hoped to be given her own officer one day. It would be a permanent assignment she would love, and that was why she was careful to see that her passengers had a comfortable and trouble-free ride so they arrived at their destination relaxed.

  The girls had all decided to wear their best frocks for the dance, and ditch the uniforms for a change, but this posed a problem for Becky. The only frock she had was a summer one – the same she’d worn when David had taken her out for dinner. After their house had been bombed she should have bought some new clothes, but she hadn’t bothered. She did have the decent coat she’d been given for Christmas, and the cardigan from Mrs Hammond. She should have brought more of her clothes with her, but she hadn’t known the damned Luftwaffe was going to drop a bomb right on their house. The old frock would have to do because she couldn’t be the only one to turn up in uniform.