The Relic

by Francisco Angulo

  - At least cut the shotgun’s barrels so that it looks more menacing! - said León to Cagalubias.

  - I also bought some stockings.

  - Stockings? Asked Flat.

  - Of course. Otherwise, how are you expecting to cover your ugly face?

  - A man goes to the doctor andthe doctor says - we have to do a urine, faces and semen analysis. The man replies: Can I leave my underwear on? I’m a bit in a hurry - saidLeón out of the blue.

  Flat stood thinking for a moment and after a few minutes burst out into aresounding laughter.

  Now you're a fucking comedian? Cagalubias asked.

  - I've heard that laughter is a good therapy for stress.

  -What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

  Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

  There was a silence. Then, León began to turn red and bluish until he broke out laughing. Meanwhile Cagalubias tried to strangle Flat with his bare hands.

  Their plan was as follows: they’ll enter the branch on Friday morning, between 8:30 and 8:45 because the truck that picked the collection for the week was due to arrive at 9:30, so this would be the best time to get the most money.

  Step one: Cagalubias would steal a van right before the robbery so that it would be “clean”, that is, the owners would not have had a chance to report it stolen.

  Step two: León would park the van just in front of the bank. Flat and Cagalubias would look after theheist while León would make sure the police was nowhere to be seen.

  Step three: Flat would need a few minutes to open the safe. In the meantime, Cagalubias would collect the money from behind the counter whilemaking sure that the people inside the bank were not tempted to ring the alarm.

  Step four: once they got hold of the loot, they would leave a shoe box with an alarm inside and warn everyone that it was connected to a remote activator which, in the event that someone called the police or came out running after them, it would detonate a bomb.

  Step Five: they would inconspicuously ride away in the van and drive to a petrol station where they would have previously left a second vehicle, this time, with all the required documentation. And finally, they’d reach the motel where they were staying, quickly divide the spoils and split into different directions.

  They would have prepared a few differentbags and left them in the motel to each take their share - a sports bag, two plastic bags like those they give you in department stores, and a backpack. Cagalubias practiced the phrases he would say in the robbery, as if he practiced for a play. Things like - Everyone down!This is a robbery!Nobody move!

  The night before the robbery everything was prepared and ready. Theyeven timed how long they’d spend on the ground andhow long they’d spend fleeing, because it was clear that there were not going to be any rehearsals - it would be far too dangerous and their faces would be recorded on security cameras. So it was common sense not to enter the bank until the actual time of the robbery.

  Since it was the last night and everything was ready, Cagalubias ordered all of them to go to bed early so that they could be fresh in the morning and able to perform their best. Cagalubias fell asleep, dreaming of everything he would do with his share of the money. First of all, he’d take a fantastic holiday in one of the Caribbean countries. He could already hear those beautiful women singing while he enjoyed a margarita. Pretty girls would surround him and hang garlands around his neck and all of them would be willing to spend the night with him.

  The morning dawned bright and clear. This was a good omen because in rainy days the traffic was congested and it would have been almost impossible to flee. When the alarm went off Cagalubias was already up, sitting at the table, checking the weapons one last time. Flatsat up with the first beep of the alarm clock. León, on the other hand, did not move. Cagalubias approached him and kicked him out of bed. He collapsed to the floor unshaken, hugging a bottle of anise.

  -Mother fuc…! Mother fuc…! said Cagalubias swallowing the last bit of the words in anger.

  -¡Flat, quickly, prepare the dead resurrector!

  From behind the little American bar located at the back of the room, Flat started preparing the concoction. Meanwhile, Cagalubias slapped both hands on León’s face, trying to get him to regain consciousness.

  Pathetic! Why the hell would you drink the night before the robbery? Just great! The day of the robbery the driver appears drunk as a skunk! Pathetic! Pathetic!

  Flat came back with a beverage in a cocktail shaker and handed it to Cagalubias. He managed to sit León’slifeless body up and pinched his nose. After a few seconds León opened his mouth to take a breath and then Cagalubias stuffed the contents of the shaker into his mouth, reaching León’s stomach at once. He let go off his nose and León collapsed remaining lying on the floor.

  One, two, three - counted Flat-, and

  before he could finished saying number three, León leapt to the ground as if there was a spring on his rear making him jump through the air and landing on his feet. Then he ran screaming and looking for the bathroom door.

  It took a few minutes for León to be able to stand. When they left the motel they were late. This kind of dramas alwayscaused a physical reaction inCagalubias who suddenlydeveloped a permanent tic in his neck and face as well as a stutter. Sticking to the plan, Cagalubias would steal a van and pick Flat and León up on the corner under the billboard advertising a new type of stockings, those that emphasised the female figure. After that León would drive the van, although Cagalubias remained concerned about his sobriety.

  Whenever something looks easy on paper, it’s never that easy in reality. By this stage Cagalubias was already going insane because no matter how much he wandered from street to street, there was novan to be found. Finally! A good make and a lovely colour, he thought. His steps quickened. As he ran towards the van he put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a utility knife. He began to force the door with it. As he proceeded to pull the lock of the door upwards and put his other hand on the handle to open it, he heard a loud bang - the owner of the van just closed the door of the back as he finished loading his goods.

  -Nice van! How much does it consume every hundred kilometres? - he quickly asked the owner to distract him. After speaking for a few brief moments, he continued walking and mumbling while suffering severe neck and face spasms. He found another van. This time he went around it to make sure there was no one in sight. Again, he took out his pocket knife and opened the door easily. Then, the hood, pulled out the dipstick and used it as a key to start the van. And finally, as decided, hedrove to the agreed corner where the two men waited under the stockings’ billboard. León took over the wheel. While driving to the bank, León continually produced some sort of sudden and loud snorts. Cagalubias was about to jump tohis neck but contained himself as much as he could. Finally they arrived at the door of the bank but right in the very spot where they planned to park there was a moving truck so they had to park behind it. From that position it was impossible to see the interior of the bank. In case of an emergency, León would have to honk to warn Flat and Cagalubias.

  The last moments. Even if one had previously participated in multiple robberies, the time of entry, the first assault, the staging, these last moments were very tense and all body muscles seized up causing the stomach and bladder to contract, making you feel that your last meal was sitting up in your neck, and that if you were to relax a little, your urine would flow down the legs and straight to your feet. They quickly went over the plan one last time as they prepared their weapons. Cagalubias gave Flat a stocking and all of them came out of the van right after this. With the stockings in their pockets they walked into the bank, an L-shaped room approximately three hundred square metres in size. People entered through the longpart of the L and turned left at the end. The safe was located precisely opposite from the entrance and behind the counter. The right part of the room was a huge glass wall that separated the bank from the street. Inside, the glass windows were covered by thick cur
tains – those that are made of long strips of plastic that overlap onto each other when they rotate. These curtains allowed some of the light from the outside to come in but they blocked all view into the bank. There were four tables placed against the glass windows where clients were assisted on a different range of informative topics. The tables were separated by small, transparent screens that served to define the space around each of them. Between these and the wall there was a fairly wide and lengthy hallway that led to the counter, right at the back of the room. The floor was carpeted in a dark brown colour. The bank was illuminated by a white light emitted by the fluorescent lamps that gave people a pale appearance.

  After the first doorthere was a security door madeof two smallerflaps. First you entered the first one and then you remained a few seconds in a narrow glass corridor until the second one opened. This did not please Cagalubias, but everything had already beenagreed upon. The two men entered the small hallway together and as the first door closed on them, they had no choice but to remain pretty close to each other, looking rather stupid.

  -Bu, but, but what's wrong with you? Can’t you not wai wai wait until I get in first? - Cagalubias said to Flat.

  Flat turned around and tried to get out through the same door he had come in but it was already closed. Cagalubias then pushed the door leading to the bank but it was closed too. They were locked. Then an alarm sounded and a voice said over the loudspeaker:

  You are carrying metal objects.

  Everyone inside the bank was staring at them. There were ten customers and five employees in the bank. When everyone looked at him, Cagalubias reached into the pocket of his coat and dangled a bunch of keys in the air while saying:

  Damn keys!

  The bank employee, accustomed to such scenes, pressed a button and opened the door giving him access to the bank. Upon entering they quickly turned around and put the stocking in their heads. Then, they pulled out their weapons and Cagalubias began yelling the phrases he had rehearsed, with a stammer:

  -E e everyone do, do, down!

  Everyone laid down in the ground immediately except for the man who had opened the door. Cagalubias approached him and said:

  I've I've sa sa said e e everyone do, do, down!!

  To which the man replied:

  I don’t understand you.

  Then Cagalubias started hitting his head with the butt of the shotgun until he collapsed on the ground. Flatpulled his jumper up and from underneath it he got a box that he had previously attached to his stomach with adhesive tape and a piece of foam rubber, something that made him look like a pot-bellied man. They put the box on the counter and warned every one of its contents - it was, according to them, an explosive device with a safety mechanism that would be triggered by remote control if someone was too smart.

  If anyone wants to become a hero stastand up and I’ll do the formalities, said Cagalubias almost without stuttering while pointing to all those in the bank.

  The men, with the stocking in their heads, had an absurd appearance, almost comical, with twisted ears and a flattened nose. Their faces reminded you of the deli section in the supermarket where you could find different pieces of pig meat vacuum packed.

  A sudden anguish invaded Cagalubias. He was not feeling well and everything began to spin. He could hear the ticking of the box with an elongated echo - all the images were blurry. He then noticed that Flat was also struggling and looking as though he was intent on pulling his head with his own hands. He pulled and pulled and finally ran. He ran like a hundred metre sprinter, ran straight towards the exit and ended up stamping himself against the safety glass, stuck to it like a bug on the windscreen of a car. He collapsed after the dreadfulblow. Cagalubias was about to pass out so he tried to remove the stocking to breathe some air, but it was completely glued to his face and couldn’t remove it no matter how hard he pulled. He grabbed a paper opener from behind the counter and ran it through an opening he found in the stocking around his neck. He cut the stocking and was then finally able to breathe. A security camera was recording his image directly. As he walked towards his colleague, he tried to catch his breath. When he removed the stocking from Flat’s head, he was already dead.

  What weretheyto do now? There was no turning back but without Flat he could not carry the money from the safe. Then he went back to the table behind the counter where he collected all the money he could, mostly in coins, and put it all in plastic bags while the people remained lying on the floor.

  This was without a doubt the most botched robbery in which he had participated. He took the money, a mere pittance, and left. As he approached the door, just when he walked past the man who had opened the door for them and Cagalubias had to force him to lie down, he clung onto one of the bags. Cagalubias walked with difficulty, dragging the banker.

  -Let let let go, silly bagger! - he said to the man. But he continued to hold on to Cagalubias.

  They had been inside the bank too long and the money collection truck was about to arrive. León started to get nervous. What was happening inside? Should I wait or should I go to see what happened? Maybe I should leave because nobody would implicate me in the robbery and that would save me a lot of trouble, but he could not let down his teammates so he decided to go and see what happened.

  When León walked into the bank a man was clinging to Cagalubias like a tick, he could not let go off him. Then León pulled the man away from his colleague.

  - Mr León! Mr León! He screamedin surprise as the bank employee looked at León’s face. Now he was in trouble because the man had recognised him and the police would be looking for him for being an accomplice in the robbery. In that brief moment of inattention, the bank employee took the gun and pointed it at Cagalubias who quickly dropped the bags and grabbed the gun by the barrel while the man held the foot. The struggle lasted a few intense moments until Cagalubias got hold of the gun and the man threw himself to the ground trembling, fearing the robber’s retaliation. Cagalubias cocked the weapon, pulled the safety pin and pointed at the man’s ass.

  - Bang! he said. Cagalubias then brought the barrels of the shotgun to his mouth and blew it as if he had truly shot it and smoke was coming out of it. Then he defiantly juggled the weapon, rotating it around his index finger, lowered it and left it pointing to the ground. At that very moment the gun went off and the pellets in the cartridge impacted on his foot literally blowing his toes off.

  Cagalubias almost fainted when he saw what happened. The pain arrived a few seconds after the image, the skin on his face lost all colour, and he soon became pale and slightly yellowish. Then as he shouted endless profanities, he sat in a chair and tried to stop the bleeding stump with his hands to no effect. Meanwhile, León was petrified watching the scene - first Flat lay sprawled on the ground with no apparent signs of life, and secondly Cagalubias could not stop his heavy bleeding. His hands werefull of bloodand he kept on putting them in his face and his head while cursing. Cagalubias took a few papers on a table and put them on his foot to cover the wound. Then, with a roll of cellophane tape, he attached the papers to the foot and leaning on León’s shoulders with one arm and taking the bags of money with the other, they left the bank.

  The plastic bags were not made to support too much weight so they began to break. The onethat was full of coins tore at the bottom and left a trail of coins across the street from the bank door to the door of the van. This caused different reactions in passers-by who watched the strange event astonished.

  Just as León pressed the accelerator all the way down and the engine of the van roared, the banker rushed out screaming into the street. In seconds police sirens could be heard everywhere. Suddenly, out of a junction a police car appeared and cut them off, but with a highly precise manoeuvre worthy of the best surgeon, León managed to get through the police car and the shops’ window displays by driving with two wheels on the sidewalk and the other two on the road. They continued the flight, while León was driving the van at full speed skidding in cur
ves and forcing the tires to screech on the asphalt. Cagalubias was desperately looking for something to wipe the blood off his hands and face. After pulling all the papers he found in the glove compartment and throwing them to the back of the van, he finally found something to clean himself with - there was a box of paper tissues, one of those printed with flowers that have an opening at the top where there’s always a single tissue automatically prepared to be picked up. He spat on the tissues to moisten them and remove the blood from all over his body. The pain rushed from the foot up through the leg but now there was no time to think about it. Besides, the persecution secreted adrenaline into his brain and made him forget the pain. Their original plan to change vehicles in the gas station was almost impossible as they would be forced to drive through narrow streets and it would be very difficult to escape from the police in the event they created a trap. To avoid feeling dizzy Cagalubias wound down the window to get some fresh air on his face and clear his mind. Farther down the street he spotted a man walking on a pedestrian crossing with a cart loaded with vegetables, probably going to replenish the store across the street.