The Relic

by Francisco Angulo

  The speed at which León was driving caused the air to rush into the van with fury and the box of napkins that sat on the dashboard started to vibrate as if there was a beehive inside with bees struggling to get out all at once. Then, as if it contained explosives, the top lid of the box blew up and the vehicle filled up with white napkins fluttering at high speed looking like a flock of bats scared out of their cave. The napkins stuck to their bodies and faces, preventing them from seeing anything. The vegetable supplier did not know whether to continue crossing or whether to turn back, because the van was rushing down at high speed zigzagging from one side to the other of the street. The vehicle came so fast that the man did not have enough time to decide whether to go forwards or backwards so he dropped the cart which, carried a huge amount of boxes of tomatoes, and closed his eyes. In the time he took to blink his eyes, he noticed that the van had come several feet from himand - something very peculiar -, that his carthad disappeared. Just at that moment, it started to rain tomatoes very heavily - they fell from a considerable height, leaving the entire street, including cars and people, looking as though they had just had a bath oftomato sauce.

  That’s why that sunny day the sky rained tomatoes on 43rd street, a heavy rain that filled the whole street with tomatoes. Inside the van the men were still struggling to take the tissues off their faces, and now they had almost accomplished it. The new problem was that a cart had been embedded in the radiator of the truck and the windshield was so full of tomato juice that it was impossible to see anything through it. León pressed all levers and buttons on the dashboard to try and activate the wipers. When they were finally able to see something, a police car came out of a side street trying to catch them. León revved the engine up and the van flew over the asphalt making a loud noise when it combed the parked vehicles. The police car was on their heels and León made several manoeuvres to try to get rid of them but he only managed to increase the distance between them minimally.

  The cart was embedded in the radiator and the radiator was releasing steam. So, having lost the engine’s coolant - as a result of the hole produced by the cart of tomatoes -, it could catch fire any time. They had to do something and soon or the van would end up dying out and the police would get a hold of them. León knew every corner of the city like the back of his hand and quickly devised a plan: he swerved suddenly forcing the van into a side street that appeared to the left. It was a narrow street and there was barely any space left on the sides. Fortunately, there was no one walking along that street, otherwise it would have been crushed between the van and the walls of the buildings that lined the narrow street.Out of the ally and into a highway, the van could barely move because of the heavy traffic and the cars were stationery longer than they were moving. León started driving along the shoulder of the road with the guardrail ramming against the van, producing a noise that sounded like broken crockery and causing sparks to fly just as they do in a foundry. Then, they came off the highway through a narrow stretch where there was no guardrail and drove down an embankment and continued through a park.

  A man wearing a red headband and matching wristbands and socks was running awkwardly. You could tell it was one of those persons who, one fine day, had seen a documentary on healthy habits and rushed to the mall to buy a full runner’s costume but looked ridiculous on it, with his beer belly and a pair of sideburns that made him look like a rooster. The man, who was wearing headphones, had no ideawhat was coming upon him but when he seemed to sense something and turned his head to see what it was, he saw the van coming right at him. León was making a conscious effort not to run over the guy, but he always seemed to find a way to put himself in front of the van and if he turned right the man did the same. Then, suddenly, he started sprinting like there was no end.

  - Wa, wa, want to exercise? R R Run then!Cagalubias shouted. The man ran while he shouted:

  - No, don’t kill me!It was her fault, I swear!

  Finally the man's legs gave way and he fell face down to the ground. The van braked hardstopping within inches of the man who was lying on the ground.

  -Don’t kill me!It was not my fault, it was her fault! - He kept saying from the ground, begging for mercy.

  - What the, what the hell is wrong this guy? asked Cagalubias looking at León.

  - She told me she was not married, I swear, I swear it's true, I did not know!Said the man sobbing. Cagalubias replied:

  - Lo, look what we do with people like you? - and sticking his hand out the window of the van he picked up a few bits of tomato from the windshield and crushed them with his hands. The man was pale. A puddle appeared on his pants as urine streamed down his legs while crying scandalously.

  - Don’t kill me, don’t kill me! - and Cagalubias yelled:

  - We are watching you, if you pulled any more shit like that you won’t be able to tell about it.

  - No, I will not cheat on my wifeany more, I pro pro promise.

  - I hope we don’t have to turn you into mincemeat like the guy we just ran over.

  León backtracked and continued driving through a small tunnel in the park. They abandoned the van there and walked to the gas station where they had prepared another vehicle to flee with. Both men arrived carrying bags of money, one leaning on the other. They caught the attention of the gas station’s attendant, but he thought that as long as they did not enter the shop looking like that he wouldn’t have to worry, after all, he was only paid to take care of the station, what happened outside was not his problem. He had too much work as it was to worry about what was happening outside.

  The two men got into the car and as Cagalubias closed the door he caught one of the bags full of coins. He didn’t even realiseit and as the car started moving it left a trail of coins rolling all overthe gas station. Without noticing it, theycontinued calmly. The attendant came out looking angry thinking they had thrown food scraps or something like that. When he realised they were coins, he began to pick them up and put them in his pockets but half way through a motorcyclist appeared wanting to refuel his bike. In seeing the scene he stared at the attendant and said:

  They belong to those two men traveling in that car - and he pointed to a vehicle travelling northeast.

  The man in the park now had a comic aspect as he wore his plush headband around his neck, his clothes covered in dust after having rolledover on the dirt of the park and urine all over his pants. He walked toward his house, with the firm determination not to get into any more trouble. They had warned him, they had told him to be careful with that woman, apparently her husband was a mobster and if he found out it could cost him dearly, but he never imagined they paid gangsters to go running over people they didn’t like. What could the guysplattered in bits over the van have done? he thought to himself. He leaned against a tree to take a break and when he looked up to continue walking he shouted

  AAAaaaaaaaaahh !!

  In front of him there was a girl completely stained with blood. The girl also started screaming and the man tried to help her, she seemed seriously injured. It was possible she was a victim of the assassins who were in the van. But as he tried to approach her, she ran bawling and throwing everything that came to hand at him. With that storm of sticks and stones, it was very hard for him to reach her. It is possible that she is traumatised by the shock, he thought, but withdrew his intentions to help after receiving a good blow from a stone thrown by the girl that hit him full in the head and knocked him unconscious.

  León and Cagalubias were fleeing in a large sedan, one of those American-made cars with a large hood under which there’s a big gasoline engine. León drove calmly as the police didn’t know they had changed to this car and he didn’t want to raise any alarm bells driving too aggressively. He reached under the seat and grabbed a bottle of Sanblás and just as he was about to take a drink, Cagalubias stole the bottle from his hands and began to drink from it as if it were water and he had been walking through the desert for days.

  - You, drive! Shouted Cagalubia
s as he looked through the rear-view mirror andnoticed a police fast approaching on a motorbike.

  - Step on it! Step on it!We, we we have company.

  León saw the police heading straight towards them in the rear-view mirror and accelerated, once again applying his best qualities as a driver todeceivethe police. Soon he knew it was going to be a lot harder to get rid of him than the other police cars because of the power of acceleration and the agility of the bike. So he came up with a new strategy. This time he reducedthe speed sufficiently to allow the rider to overtake them. The policeman made one of the worst mistakes one can make in these cases – riding a bikeand acting as though you are driving a car. So, he rode parallel to the car and tried to push it off the road. León only had to wait a while to find the right place, and just when they approached a bridge, he swerved the car, hit the motorcycle and send it flying off the road. Instead of going over the bridge, the bike landed in such a way that thefront part of the bike was buried underground. The agent grabbed so hard to the bike that its handlebars bent forward, now looking like a Harley Davidson.Despite the unfortunate situation the man did not give up and continued trying to accelerate. The front wheel of the bike remained embedded in the ground while the back wheel remained in the air making futile efforts to get off the ground.

  The man was very stubborn and started to jump on the bike while this was still accelerating. The rear wheel rotated at high speed and touched the ground every time the man jumped, raising a huge cloud of dust. Finally, in one of thoseoccasions when the wheel touched the ground, the bike gathered traction and released itself from the ground. And so there he was again, the agent with his tuned bike. This time, though,if beforethe blue and red lights of the siren hadbeen located in the frontal part of the motorcycle, they werenow being dragged on the ground, hanging from a tangle of electric cables. The sound of the siren was hoarse. He continued driving his motorcycle at full speed across the fields and as León was leaving the bridge and continued driving down the road, he saw the biker riding parallel to him off the road. The motorcyclist was riding his new mount and would indeed stop the criminals, or so he imagined, but the truth was that his appearance was ridiculous. Cagalubias burst into laughter when he looked at him, but he soon had to retract it because the rider jumped the fence separating the countryside from the road. It wasn’t a high fence, not higher than a metre, but jumping with that ramshackleof a bike, apart from being a real feat, also demonstrated the determination of the police who seemed unstoppable.

  And back on again, determined to get the car off the road. Really, that man either had too much courage or very little intelligence. Of course, hitting against the car only managed to ruin the motorcycle even further. Then, holding the handle with one hand, he pulled out his gun with the other and pointed it at the wheels of the car.

  -Fuck thi this freak! Cried Cagalubias while winding down the window of the car and pointing the shotgun at the motorcycle. Both men fired simultaneously. The shot from the police did not hit the tires but the pellets from the shotguns did hit the bike. Being a sawed-off shotgun the pellets that were contained in the cartridges split as they were shot and covered a larger area on impact, so it was easier to hit the target.

  The bike started to lose water and oil and these oozed on its body. Due to its high temperature, these liquids evaporated forming a cloud similar to that formedby a jet. The bike was losing power and falling behind quickly, but once they managed to gain some distance a bullet struck the rear window of the vehicle.

  -Shit! Shit! Mother fucker! Mumbled Cagalubias again while sliding down in the seat to hide from another potential impact.

  León seemed to be in a state of shock. Since the chase started, the only thing he did was drive, as if on autopilot, almost as if he was not in that scene in person. The policemancame to a complete stop in the very middle of the right lane, the bike steaming, and pointed his gun at the car. It looked as though it was very far. He held the gun with both hands and held his breath as he aimed and pulled the trigger very slowly. The slapper crushed the gun’s cap making the gunpowder explode inside, propelling the lead projectile at high speed on a direct path to the car that was fleeing. The bullet struck the vehicle’s tire.

  - I think he hit us! León said while performing abrupt manoeuvres with the steering wheel to stabilise the car. The car wobbled abruptly, like a runner with one single shoe, but León managed to roughly steer to where he wanted. Cagalubias pulled his body out of the window all the way out to his waist to see if any other policemen were chasing them. Luckily, it seemed that no one was following them but if they continued with this vehicle they were sure to raise suspicions very soon. Besides, they could not go very far because the puncturedwheelpulverisedthe airless tire and now, the rim rolled on the ground making a very loud noise and causing lots of sparks. There was no way they could go unnoticed in these conditions.

  - Stop the the car in, in, in the middle of the road now! Cagalubias said to León while pulling the steering wheel to get it to veer.

  León heaved the handbrake and the car stopped abruptly in the middle of the road. Cagalubias got out, gun in hand and limping, and he approached the vehicle they had blocked a few inches from them.

  -Down, down, god dammit, what the the hell is wrong with you? Are you deaf or do you want me to solve your dandruff problems with a shot?

  The man, instead of leaving the car put his hands on his head, as if to be arrested. Cagalubias opened the car door and drag him out, taking him by the tie.

  -Bu bu but are you stupid?

  Cagalubias seemed seized by a panic attack. His face was permanently flushed. He spoke progressively faster and the stutter increased.

  -Blob lo bloody hell! First the fu, fu fucking idiot of the bank director, then the damn Terminator, shit my fu fu fucking life...!

  He continued snarling nonstop, like a dog barking, would not stop cursing. The car’s owner was now on the floor with the tie’s knot so tight around his neck that he looked like his head would burst like a balloon with too much air. The car was a good car, one of those that senior business executives drive. León was pleased with the car, he thought he’d finally get to drive a car in good condition. He was about to climb up the side of the driver and Cagalubias was walking to the other side of the car to enter the passenger door when the car’s owner wanted to prevent them from stealingit and grabbed Cagalubias from the stump.

  -¡Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggg!!!

  He cried as loud as he could something that sounded like a howl. The skin of his face changed, it became different, like the skin of a corpse. After a brief silence, he began to curse the man again. He kept on hitting him with open hands, a never ending splash of slaps that the man with the tie kept on receiving while trying to cover his body and face with his arms.

  -What, what is happening to every everyone? Are they all in a hu hurry to die?

  León had to pull Cagalubias away from the man because he just wouldn’t stop smacking him and dropping profanities off. He seemed possessed. Even once in the car, he still did not stop cursing, he was totally hysterical and León had to make serious efforts to not laugh out loud at times. On the road again, this time with a luxury car. While León was driving, Cagalubias rummaged through every corner of the car, pulling everything he found towards the back. He discovered a CD case, read the titles and then threw it to the back. He finally kept one and inserted it into the car’s player. Elvis. Cagalubias turned the volume to the maximum. Then he began to sing. His out of tune voice would have been the perfect tortureimplement to force someone to confess a crime. After listening to Cagalubias’ vocals for a few minutes, he’dhave blown the lid off for sure.

  About Flat

  FLAT HAD NEVER BEEN a very talkative person, let’s just say he preferred to economise on words. Life had not gone as he had planned when he was little, although he wasn’t too concerned about that. You see, he was the kind of person who never asked where he was being taken or how much more was left to go.
He was a conformist who could have lived a perfectly ordinary life but by a combination of unexpected events he ended up being a safecracker. Since very little he showed an innate gift to open the small safe his father kept under the bed. He used to steal a few coins at a time so that his father would not notice, a plan that worked wonders as his father never knew the money was missing.

  Something elseFlat was fascinated about wasfirecrackers and that was precisely what he used to spend the money he stole from his father. Once, one of the firecrackers exploded in his hands and for two days hewas not able to hear what others were saying. In fact, it made him lose the feeling of touch in one hand and his deafness never really cured. This was one of the reasons why he didn’t do well at school - because he did not hear what the teacher was explaining. As a young man he was very handsome, at least that's what most of the girls his age thought. Being so fine-lookinghelped him find a girlfriend quickly, although it was really her who found him. The courtship did not last long as they had to get married soon and six months after the wedding their first child was born. Working to support his family prevented Flat from studying further and forced him to accept the first job that came into his handsas he could not afford to wait to find something better.