Cutter: Contemporary Romance Novel

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

“Well, you need to ask yourself what you want. Your career or Harry?”

  Sophia knew what she wanted, but she wasn’t brave enough to even think about it. She was just a coward, afraid of her parents and her complex past. She would curse God if he would take him away. She couldn’t imagine being without him.

  She went to bed after a shower. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to do about Mason. She could clearly see that she shouldn’t have given him any hope.

  Was this love? Did she fall for Harry because he pushed her away?

  ***

  The next day Sophia couldn’t concentrate much at work. She wanted to ask Margaret to transfer Harry to someone else. Every time she went to her she couldn’t bring herself to ask her. She was a coward. At the end of the day she made the decision to keep quiet. She was just too scared. When five o’clock struck, she went straight to the hospital, not thinking about what was wrong or right anymore.

  When she entered the hospital, her pulse increased and her breathing hardened. This was her worst nightmare being around sick people. All the memories rushed back to her; she was back to the same place, the same small room. She stopped, breathing out and in. She reminded herself that she was here for Harry.

  He was still lying in the same position with the same equipment, looking pale and vulnerable. The skin around his eyes was yellow. Every time Sophia looked at him, she felt guilt that spread around her stomach, swirling through her bloodstream. She was sure that he was beaten up because of the drugs that he had been supplying. She sat next to his bed and talked. This time there wasn’t any barriers between them. She had to tell him everything even though he couldn’t hear her.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  “Harry, I’m here again because I’m willing to tell you everything. I’m not going to lie anymore. You need to hear how my life is much more fucked up than yours. I told you before that I used to live in London with my parents. When I was growing up, I felt loved. Well, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I didn’t have anything. We were quite wealthy. My parents are entrepreneurs and they always looked after me. They had wide aspirations. When I turned sixteen, they started to demand more from me. They expected me to have great grades. They didn’t like that I was more into sports rather than art like my cousin, Jessica. My mother hired a teacher that treated me like I was stupid. I stopped going out and seeing my friends because I had to study to my parents would be happy. Everything became a struggle. My mother kept telling me that she was ashamed of me.”

  Sophia stopped talking and brushed her fingers over Harry’s hand. He was still breathing through the life support system. He had no idea that she was there, wanting him to wake up and take her back. Sophia sighed and wiped the tears off her face. She knew that she had to continue. Somehow talking about her own life gave her some encouragement. Besides, Harry couldn’t hear her.

  “My story isn’t easy, it’s wrong and painful. I always had high self-esteem, but when everyone around you starts telling you that you aren’t worth anything, it’s bound to bring you down. I don’t want to blame my parents for what they did to me, but after going back from school into an empty house, I felt that I was under tremendous pressure. I constantly thought about my grades. I enjoyed running, but I couldn’t go out and train because I had to study. I remember well when I knew that I wasn’t the same person. It was after that afternoon with Aunt Lucy. When I got to my room I couldn’t breathe; I was losing my mind. Then I saw a pair of sharp nail scissors and cut myself with them. I don’t even remember now why I had to do it, but after that I felt amazing – numb and incredibly light. All my problems suddenly disappeared. My parents didn’t know anything about this. I was closed in my own little world; I had my own demons that I had to deal with. My grades weren’t any better, but I didn’t care. I found my own way of dealing with pressure, stress, and the way my parents talked to me. This happened shortly after my friend, Vanessa, left to live in Ireland. After that, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I never had a good relationship with my mother. She was always so uptight about everything that I did. She never told me that she loved me, or that I did well in school. My parents always demanded something from me. After that incident in my room, I started cutting my body on a regular basis. I always made sure that no one would notice anything, so I used to cut through my stomach and thighs. My mind was filled with liberation and magic when I tore my skin to pieces.

  “There is so much that I want to tell you, so you can see that I’m more damaged than you are. At least you are doing something to save your mother. I know it’s wrong, and if you get caught you will get a long sentence, but you’re doing that because you love her.” She paused again. “I carried on with self-harming until I was seventeen. No one ever noticed the scars, not even my cousin, Ramona. She was the only one that made an effort to become my friend. She kept visiting me after school, but I never told her about my silly secret. I was hiding evidence really well and no one knew what I was doing in my room. My parents were too busy until that day.

  “That day I forgot to lock the door and my mother found me in my room. I wasn’t expecting her to be at home. I was sure that she left to go to Milan the night before. I felt that I was drowning again. People were making jokes about me in school. I had panic and anxiety attacks very often. That day something inside me broke and I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. Everything seemed like I was walking through a fog. I think I lost control of myself that day because I kept pushing and pushing that small pink knife to go further. In the end, I only remember my mother standing in the door, staring at me like she was about to have a fit. She discovered my dirty secret that day and since then nothing has ever been the same.”

  Sophia had gone silent, placing her hands together. She was holding Harry’s hand, wondering if he was taking anything in. She’d wanted to forget that scene for so long, but she never could let go of that horrible memory. That evening the demon attacked her soul. When the dark rivers were flowing underneath her, she felt safe. When she was staring at blood that was just flowing down her body, she felt that she would never have to suffer again.

  When the nurse reminded her about visiting hours, she realised that she had been with Harry for four hours. The nurses knew her well, but she avoided talking to them. She was too afraid that they would start asking questions. Harry’s mother still hadn’t shown up. It was just a matter of time; she was probably too ill to even leave her bed.

  When she came home, Vanessa was still at work. Mason had called her at work, but she still didn’t answer. She couldn’t bring herself to talk to him, but she wasn’t going to wait until he knocked on her door, so she organised to see him tomorrow after work. Her stomach was dull with uneasiness when she thought about what she was going to tell him. They had shared a passionate kiss together, but Sophia couldn’t carry on seeing him. She was devoted to Harry, even though she wasn’t allowed to see him outside probation. She had a long shower and a small supper, and in the end she went to bed. She never realised that talking to someone close would make her release the tension that she had been carrying for years. She wanted to tell him so much more. She just had to pull the words out, leaving nothing.

  She’d never believed in God, but now she was praying, hoping that Harry would get better. He had to wake up; there was no two ways about that.

  She wasn’t able to put any soul into what she was doing at work. Susan came back from her annual leave looking much more relaxed, and she didn’t bother Sophia much. The day passed without surprise, and when five o’clock struck, Sophia felt like she had stones in her stomach. She could hear how loud her heart was beating. Mason was waiting for her in the coffee shop outside the probation office. He looked good with messed up brown hair, staring at her intensely as she walked in. Now she understood; she didn’t feel anything at all when she saw him. Mason was just a regular guy and her heart was dancing violently in her chest when she thought about what she was going to say.

  “Sophia, are you all right?�
� he asked straight away, trying to pull her to him, but she just smiled faintly. She was feeling physically sick. She had never broken up with someone before. In her teens when she had boyfriends, they just stopped talking to her, but this was a completely different situation.

  “I’m fine, Mason. Do you want anything to drink?” she asked, wanting to be polite. He didn’t deserve to be dumped harshly.

  “Coffee, please, but let me get it, eh?”

  She didn’t want to argue, so she watched him as he ordered a cold drink for her and a coffee for himself. She took a deep breath once he was in front of her. Deep down she always knew that this wasn’t going to work out between them, but she kept pushing it, hoping it would work.

  “So tell me what is going on? You haven’t been answering your phone.”

  “Mason, I don’t think we should be seeing each other anymore. I just don’t believe that I’m ready for this,” she blurted out, staring directly into his eyes. At first he continued smiling, probably thinking that this was some kind of bad joke, but then the smile vanished from his face.

  “I don’t understand. I thought that we were enjoying each other’s company?” he asked with a serious tone, blinking rapidly.

  Sophia wrinkled her forehead with effort and swallowed hard. This was going to be more difficult than she thought. Mason was a clever guy; he wouldn’t just accept being pushed away.

  “I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m sorry that I misled you, but I just cannot do this right now. I’m sure you are going to find a nice girl that you will settle down with, but it’s not me, Mason. I’m sorry,” she continued, casting her eyes away from his face. She thought that she was a horrible person lying to him right now, but there wasn’t anything else that she could tell him. Harry was a forbidden subject.

  Mason shook his head.

  “I don’t think you are telling me everything, Sophia. I just want to hear the truth. Have you met someone else?”

  “No,” she said quickly, trying to keep eye contact. “There isn’t anyone else. I’ve just got a complicated past and I can’t be in a relationship right now.”

  “So you are dumping me after the amazing time that we’ve had together?”

  “Mason, please, I don’t want to make this anymore awkward for you, but this wouldn’t work between you and me. Thank you for everything,” she added and stood up. She didn’t want to stay any longer. Mason looked like he wanted to punch someone.

  “I don’t believe this bullshit, Sophia. I’m sorry, but I don’t,” he muttered.

  “I’m sorry. I should have been clearer in the beginning. Goodbye Mason.”

  Her head was spinning when she left the coffee shop. Mason didn’t take it well, but it could have been so much worse. Sophia could understand that he was angry with her. She was hoping that he wouldn’t turn out to be a stalker. Of course he didn’t believe her. She was never a good liar, but she was doing this for Harry. Mason would probably report her, once he knew the truth. She’d left him for a criminal.

  She calmed down when she got back to the apartment. She had to be fresh for Harry. She had a quick dinner and then went to the hospital an hour later. The nurse let her know that there was no change in Harry’s condition.

  She put her bag away and sat down beside him. All the swelling around his eyes had disappeared, but there was still a long way before he was going to look like himself again.

  “Hi Harry, it’s me again. I wanted to come in earlier, but I had to deal with something important. I don’t know if you remember where I finished my story yesterday, but I’m just going to continue with where I left it. My mother saw me in my room when I thought she was going to be away in Milan. I was bleeding very badly. I think when the knife touched my skin I lost control. The pain has always been liberating, but that day I think I wanted to kill myself.”

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  “Everything was crashing down on me, and I didn’t know if there was any other way out. My mother called an ambulance and they took me to the hospital. I don’t remember much from that day, but they saw it as a suicide attempt. The doctor probably discovered all the scars on my body, and they put two and two together. They had to tell my parents. They acted on it straight away. I was taken to a private clinic that dealt with mental problems. I was going to start therapy; they wanted me to stop self-harming. When I spoke to my mother a week later, she didn’t ask me why I was doing it. She didn’t even acknowledge that I was doing this because she put so much pressure on me. She just behaved like nothing ever happened and I was fine. My father came to visit me once, but he looked at me with disgust. I knew that he was afraid that I was going to blame him. Mum kept saying that he was too busy in his practice. I spent a year in that hospital, isolated from everyone. In some ways the therapy helped and I found a new control over my body, but I became a different person. Ramona was allowed to visit me. She was the only one who gave me strength and said that I was better than this. When I was finally allowed to leave, my parents couldn’t let me out into the real world. I went back to school and passed all my exams, but I was never the same. I lived in the shadow of my own scars. I didn’t have any friends apart from Ramona. My father wanted me to study law. He said that I could work with him after I graduate, but I couldn’t imagine that. My mother had her own business, but I was never interested in design.

  Cutting this long story short, eventually I decided that I wanted to work with probation. Last year I managed to do a bit of work in London; it was only two days a week, because the rest of the days my father insisted that I work with him in his practice. Ever since I finished the therapy, my parents never allowed me to make my own decisions. I think the doctors told them that they had to ease the pressure, but they always found ways to overwhelm me. This year I was determined to get away. I’d had enough of being around them, so I went back to the same agency and found this post in Belfast. It was only for three months, but I didn’t care as long as I was able to get away from London. For some reason, my parents didn’t stop me and I was finally free.”

  Sophia thought about the moment when she came to Belfast; she was so happy being on her own.

  “I saw you during my first day in probation. You didn’t want me to be your probation officer, but I was determined. You know the rest of the story. Once you touched me I couldn’t bring myself to stay away from you. We both knew what we were going to risk, but we still went through with this. I had the most amazing time on that beach with you. I felt that I had my soul back because you never judged me, you just accepted me for who I was. Then you took me to your brother and I felt good again. The only reason that I pushed you away was because I was afraid that you would see my scars and then you would run away ...”

  “So you are the one that is in love with my son.”

  Sophia stood up swiftly seeing Harry’s mother standing in the room. She probably came in when Sophia was still talking. Her heart was in her throat. The colour drained from her face when their eyes met. Mrs O’Donaghue looked pale and weak. Her green eyes were focused on her son.

  “Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Mrs O’Donaghue. I –”

  “Stop, please. I’m not going to tell you to leave. I overheard what you were saying,” she interrupted, smiling weakly.

  Sophia felt flooded with anxiety and embarrassment. She wasn’t sure how long Mrs O’Donaghue had been standing there. Could she have heard everything that Sophia was saying? A bead of sweat ran down her back.

  “I shouldn’t be here,” Sophia said quickly.

  “Please don’t leave. Harry wouldn’t want that and the nurses told me that you were his girlfriend.” Sophia knew this was the end. Everyone would find out about her lies and she was going to be lost. “But I know that you are his probation officer. We met in my home, and by the way he was looking at you, I knew that there was something different about you.”

  “I didn’t plan this. If anyone found out that I came here …”

  “Yes, I know. You will lose your job an
d it will ruin your career. I know how this works, Sophia, but I can see that you are in love with my son.”

  At those words, Sophia’s feelings erupted in her body like a volcano. She couldn’t possibly think straight right now, but the word ‘love’ reached her. Was this true? Had she really fallen in love with Harry O’Donaghue, the only person in this world that she couldn’t be with?

  Her head was spinning as she was staring at Harry’s mother. She did love him and now someone else made her realise that. Her heart fluttered in her chest when Harry touched her. He understood her and somehow he managed to fill her heart with himself. She was never anxious around him and she didn’t have to think about hurting herself.

  “So you heard what I was saying?” she asked.

  Mrs O’Donaghue sat on the chair by her son and smiled.

  “I could see how these feelings would unfold when you were in my house. Harry never looked at any other girl the way he was looking at you. He didn’t care that you were not allowed to be with him. It was his decision to go after you. I can only pray that he will wake up and get better.”

  “You’re right. I do I love him,” Sophia said.