Mom's Perfect Boyfriend

by Crystal Hemmingway

  He didn’t follow, but part of her wished he did. And each day, that part grew stronger, until the memory of him left her moaning with desire each night. It was a lust that could never be sated; he was a predator, and her kind was prey. But her passion could not be quelled with reason, and her desire for him only increased with each passing day. Her daily routine became tiresome; her favorite ferns lost their flavor, and all she could think about was his intoxicating scent. She had to see him again. But how? Where?

  Stella’s raptor was no cocky tyrannosaurus, announcing his presence with each lumbering step. Raptors were smart; stealthy. He’d come like an assassin, dealing death with a swift and calculated strike. Her only hope was to follow the mortal cries of unlucky prey, because where there was death, there was a slim chance of finding him.

  At the merest thought of their eventual meeting, she felt her cloaca tremble.

  Email, January 12

  From: Margot Hemmingway

  To: Adam Devereux

  Subject: Hi from Margot

  Hi Adam,

  I don’t know if you’ll even be able to read this, but I wanted to send you a message, just in case. There are some things that I want to say, and I have to imagine that you will be able to hear me, even if it’s just on an spiritual level.

  I’ve been thinking of you a lot recently, and it’s hard to believe that we only spent a few short weeks together. I really cherished the time we had, and our many adventures. You were always so kind to me, and you are such a caring person. I hope that wherever you are now, you are being treated well.

  I’m so sorry about what happened on Christmas eve. It was a shock for me, too, and I think they could’ve told you in a more compassionate way. I want you to know that it doesn’t change anything about the time we spent together. Our friendship was real, and it doesn’t make you any less special than you already were. If anything, it only makes you more special. The Boople people might try to take credit for you, but you are your own person. It was you who laughed and listened and loved, and it was you who came up with so many brilliant ideas, including our best-selling chocolate-covered marshmallows.

  And even though we might not have a romantic future, I will always consider you a dear and true friend. You are a remarkable person, Adam Devereux. I wish you all the best, and I hope that our paths will cross again someday.

  Yours truly,

  Margot

  Email, January 12

  From: Dr. Paul Devereux

  To: Lisa H. Fontana

  Subject: Re: Missing package

  Hi Lisa,

  I can’t believe they lost one of your packages in the warehouse. It just goes to show that this campus has grown too large, and this type of negligence should not be tolerated.

  I have a friend in the distribution department, so I’ll have a chat with him today. Don’t bother putting in a missing package request; he says they never have time to get to those anyway.

  I’ll keep you posted.

  P

  Steamy Reads New and Novel Contest Online Application, page 2 of 4

  Q: Provide a brief description of your book.

  A: Stella the Stegosaurus is a young herbivore who grows tired of her mundane life munching plants. When she stumbles upon an intimate scene of a velociraptor killing his prey, she is aroused for the first time, and becomes obsessed with him. She soon leaves her pack, risking everything to sate her newfound dark appetite. Combining deadly dinosaurs with the allure of forbidden lust, Velocirapture provides a satisfying love story with many happy endings.

  Q: What inspired you to write this story?

  A: Honestly, I’m not exactly sure. I don’t have sex fantasies about dinosaurs. I guess I just think dinosaur sex is funny, but it’s still embarrassing to admit that I wrote a whole novel about it. Something is probably wrong with me.

  Q: Name your favorite erotic fiction book.

  A: I am an avid reader, but I don’t actually read erotic fiction. However, I did flip through Athena Dale’s Steamed Buns for reference. I originally saved it from my mom’s donation pile as a joke, but I have a renewed respect for the author after attempting an erotic novel myself.

  Q: Why should we choose your book?

  A: I think readers will really enjoy the scene where Stella and the velociraptor indulge in some hardcore S&M foreplay in the oasis. Her cries of mingled pain and pleasure are so convincing that they attract a flock of starving Compsognathus. I believe that this scene illustrates the great depth of unexplored possibilities within the genre.

  Email, January 13

  From: Margot Hemmingway

  To: Eric Robertson

  Subject: Labels galore

  Hi Eric,

  So glad that you enjoyed the marshmallow sampler. I can see why the chocolate-covered original flavor gets your vote; they seem to be selling out each week.

  I’ve attached the sample labels from my graphic designer. Which do you think looks more professional: the yellow or the blue? He said we could also add multiple colors, but I already bought 1000 yards of blue ribbon, so I’m leaning toward the blue.

  I’ve also included some links to local food photographers below. They seemed to do good work, but one is quite a bit more expensive than the others. Do you think he’s worth it?

  I’ll be out of town this weekend, so apologies in advance if you don’t hear back from me for a few days. Hope that your magazine photoshoot goes well. I imagine it’s a lot of work to wrangle models in giant dresses into moving helicopters, but I’m sure it’ll be stunning. I can’t wait to see the results!

  Thanks,

  Margot

  Email, January 13

  From: Dr. Paul Devereux

  To: Lisa H. Fontana

  Subject: Re: Missing package

  Hi Lisa,

  Good news! My buddy in distro has a lead on your missing package. There might be some paperwork involved, but if you swing by sometime late Monday, after the dinnertime rush, he should be able to have you in and out in 15 minutes or so.

  Coffee later?

  P

  Email, January 13

  From: Order Fulfillment

  To: Lisa Hemmingway

  Subject: Your order has shipped!

  The following items have shipped:

  Black one hole balaclava ski mask, adult small, Qty. 1

  Black one hole balaclava ski mask, adult medium, Qty. 1

  Black one hole balaclava ski mask, adult x-large, Qty. 12

  Aluminum hand truck with pneumatic wheels, Qty. 6

  Duct tape original, Qty. 6

  Mini stun gun w/built-in alarm and flashlight 46 million volts, pink, Qty. 12

  Glass marbles bulk lot, 500 count, Qty. 3

  Great Outdoors rectangle Big and Tall sleeping bag, 30F, Qty. 6 – FINAL SALE

  Your items were shipped using:

  ONE DAY RUSH SHIPPING (1 business day)

  Click here for tracking information.

  Thank you for shopping with Hardware 4 Hobbyists, LLC. It’s Not Just a Hobby!

  Crystal’s Journal, January 14

  When I got home from work today, I found Mom standing outside my door. I don’t know how she got my address; I can only assume that Lisa gave it to her. It would’ve been nice if she’d at least given me a heads up, because I was really not prepared for this, especially after another mind-numbing day writing manuals for people who don’t know that water and electricity don’t mix.

  Of course I let Mom in, especially because she had the most pitiful look on her face. She said that she hadn’t been waiting long, but honestly, I wouldn’t want anyone waiting on my doorstep for more than a few minutes. I can’t afford to live in the nice part of town anymore, and I have a brutal commute to this
tiny studio out in the valley.

  I offered Mom a glass of water, and she accepted. We hadn’t spoken a word to each other in weeks, so we retreated to the safety of small talk. I could see the judgment in Mom’s eyes when she looked around at my dingy apartment, but when she looked back at me, her expression was kind.

  And before I could think, I blurted out an apology, and then Mom held me in her arms and shushed me, and told me that she was sorry, too. She said that she had been upset before, but not now. “I could never stay mad at you,” she said. “Because you’re my daughter.” And that’s when I began to sob, and pretty soon Mom was sobbing too.

  For a moment, it was enough that she was there with me, and telling me everything was going to be ok. Because, no matter what has come between us, there’s no one quite like my mother. She might be emotional sometimes or irrational or needy, but she’s still my mother, and I will always love her, even if I don’t always show it in the ways she wants.

  So we just sat with each other for awhile, talking and laughing a bit, and finally the awkwardness had melted away. She told me that she was proud of me, even now, for standing on my own two feet. She said that she would always be there if I needed her, but she understood that I wanted my own life, my own place.

  But eventually we couldn’t tiptoe around the difficult things anymore. Mom started to say how she wants me to be honest, and to be confident in who I am. Then she said, “Your happiness is my happiness and it hurts that you felt you had to lie to me.” I could feel the tears welling up again, but I pushed them away. I apologized again, and said that I wasn’t going to lie anymore.

  Now Mom is sleeping in my bed and I’m on the couch, but I can’t sleep just yet. I feel so much better now; lighter. It’s not like I needed Mom’s approval to live on my own, but I’m glad that she came today. I used to take it for granted that she’d always be there to support me. There’ve been so many times when she talked incessantly and I was in desperate need of some alone time. But the funny thing was, when we weren’t talking, I really missed her.

  Email, January 15

  From: Leo Brooks

  To: David Richards

  Subject: Lead Level Design opportunity

  Hey David,

  We heard great things about your work on MOB2. One of your colleagues, Colin Walsh, thought you might be a good fit for our Lead Level Design position. As our project is unannounced, we can’t say too much about it, but it’s an action-adventure title set in a vast, sprawling world. We offer competitive pay, full benefits, and strive for a work/life balance.

  We’re looking to move fast on this position, and we recognize that New York can have a high cost of living, so we’re willing to offer a guaranteed pay raise of at least 50% over your current salary, with further opportunities for advancement. We also have a great relocation package, as many of our devs can attest. Hope to hear from you soon.

  Leo

  Email, January 15

  From: Lisa H. Fontana

  To: Dr. Paul Devereux

  Subject: Re: Missing package

  You free now? Swing by my desk whenever you’re ready. Let’s stop for coffee on the way there.

  Lisa

  Email, January 20

  From: Steamy Reads Submissions

  To: Crystal Hemmingway

  Subject: New and Novel Contest Submission

  Dear Crystal,

  Congratulations! Your novel, “Velocirapture,” has been selected as the grand prize winner in the Steamy Reads New and Novel contest. Steamy Reads would like to offer you a publication deal, starting with a $10,000 cash prize (as detailed in the attached documents). Please review the attached documents and return by January 22.

  We’ll also require your RSVP for the awards banquet, which will be held January 27 in New York City. As the grand prize winner, Steamy Reads will cover your airfare* and hotel, should you choose to accept the prize.

  Congratulations,

  Steamy Reads Editorial Team

  Steamy Reads: Fantasies to light up your night. Check out our latest addition, Extra Meaty: A Sub Shop Romance, and lunch will never be boring again.

  *Full airfare is covered for any of the contiguous 48 states. Other destinations will be awarded a flight voucher, as explained in the attached paperwork.

  Email, January 24

  From: Eric Robertson

  To: Margot Hemmingway

  Subject: Re: Margot’s Mallows Website

  Hi Margot,

  Wow! That’s great to hear that you’ll be carried in one of the local co-ops. That’s a great way to build exposure, and get your product out in front of passionate people who are likely to be your biggest advocates. Getting in the first store is always the hardest; the rest should get easier.

  Now is the perfect time to invest in those photos, because you never know when Whole Foods will come knocking. Honestly, I think the photographers in your area are overpriced for what they offer. So I had a proposal for you. I’m long overdue for a vacation, and I’ve got a couple of weeks before my next shoot. It seems like the perfect time to do my cross-country ride, and it would be great if I could enjoy a couple of days somewhere sunny and warm first, like, say, San Diego. It would be no trouble to bring my portable light kit, and we could knock out those photos in a couple of hours, on me.

  What do you say?

  Eric

  Email, January 24

  From: Kim Freeman

  To: Crystal Hemmingway

  Subject: Re: New and Novel Contest Submission

  Hi Crystal,

  I was able to get you booked on a direct flight on the 26th, but the only seat they had left was in first class. One of our editors is friends with a guy at Delta, so enjoy the extra legroom. :) I hear they serve cookies on the afternoon flights, but I wouldn’t know from experience LOL.

  I’ve attached a copy of the itinerary and flight information, but let me know if you have any questions.

  See you soon,

  Kim

  P.S. Have you ever considered writing a sequel?

  Steamy Reads: Fantasies to light up your night. Check out our latest addition, Massive Balls: A Regency Romance, and she’ll be swooning this Valentine’s Day.

  Crystal’s Journal, January 29

  This weekend has been a whirlwind. I just got back from New York, and my head is spinning, but I wanted to get it all down before I forgot anything.

  I decided to accept the grand prize award for Velocirapture, and part of the deal was that I was supposed to attend an awards banquet in New York. I thought it was going to be some small thing in a little hotel conference room or something, and that I’d get a couple of days in New York out of it, but boy, was I happy to be wrong. New York is pretty crazy, but there’s this girl named Kim from Steamy Reads who is super nice, and she gave me some great recommendations for vegetarian restaurants and stuff. So I got some awesome food and did a little shopping on Saturday, and then got ready for the banquet on Saturday night.

  And oh my god, it was this big thing with all these romance writers and stuff. Not just Steamy Reads people, or even ero people, but like an entire community of people who write romance. To be honest, I was pretty nervous, and when I saw how many people were there, I wanted to turn right back to my hotel. But then Kim found me, and she was so sweet, and she introduced me to the Steamy Reads team. And all of them had read the book, since they were the judges, and they were all gushing about it.

  It was pretty embarrassing, to be honest. But when they started talking about the character development for the velociraptor and Stella’s repressed desires, it actually turned into a pretty interesting discussion. Some of the editors even had a couple of ideas for small things we could change before publishing, and I was compl
etely on board. It was kind of funny, actually, because I began to see how there’s a real art to writing a good sex scene, and there’s still so much more for me to learn.

  Anyway, the whole thing went well, and when it was time to go up and accept the award, I somehow forgot to be nervous. The Steamy Reads team was so nice and the whole night just felt kind of surreal. People I hadn’t even met were congratulating me, and not in a joking way, either. I feel kind of silly for saying this, but I guess I always thought ero fiction was something to be embarrassed about. I didn’t realize that people can take it so seriously as a career, and it made me think that this might not be such a bad idea for a day job, after all. If I can write another decent one, that is.

  Ok so it gets even crazier because I happened to mention that I was going to New York to David, and he said that he was going to be there through Tuesday. We’d been trying to find a time to get together, but he had this job interview come up at the last minute and so we decided just to meet in New York.