My Dusk My Dawn

by Henrietta Georgia

  I rolled my eyes at the suggestion. “You’re not going to make David feel guilty for wanting what he has. He’s only human.”

  “And so am I. Flesh and blood. And as you know, flesh and blood doesn’t last forever. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,” he stated. No sooner than he said that did I hear Josiah crying through the intercom. It was only a matter of time before Adalia was crying too. Instead of getting up as he ordinarily did, Daniel commanded, “David, you know the deal. Time to show me what you’re made of.”

  David nodded to signal his agreement, then made his way down the hall. I could see he did so with a heavy heart. This isn’t fair on him, I thought. Turning to Daniel, I stated, “This isn’t right. You can’t just abdicate your responsibility for your own children.”

  “I’m not abdicating anything baby. I’m merely letting things play out the way they should and the way they would, when I’m gone,” he insisted.

  “Daniel, you can’t act as though you’re already gone…”

  “Well, I will be,” he said dismissively.

  I could hear the babies cooing over the monitor. David had worked his magic.

  “Go with,” Daniel urged.

  “They’re still your kids,” I reminded him.

  “Of course they are,” he replied. “Go join him.”

  I planted a kiss on his lips before I did as he said.

  David had Josiah in one arm, and with the other arm, rocked Adalia in the cradle. She was smiling at him delightfully.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  “Never better,” he replied. “I love these kids as though they were my own.”

  “Someone loves you!” I noted, “I’ve seen how much she smiles at you.”

  “Yep. She’s not the only one who has me wrapped around her finger,” David said with a wink.

  “Incorrigible you are,” I remarked.

  “I bet she’s Daddy’s little girl now,” he guessed.

  “She definitely is,” I confirmed.

  Motioning towards the baby monitor, without words, he reminded me that Daniel was probably listening in on the other end. I reached for it and turned it off.

  “He’s not going to like that,” David noted.

  “I’m not liking how he’s behaving,” I admitted.

  “You and me both,” he replied. “So you said earlier, it’s a matter of watching and praying?”

  “You heard me,” I said.

  “Can I come to church with you on Sunday?” he asked suddenly.

  Taken aback at his sudden interest in going to church, I quickly replied, “Of course you can.” For a moment I tried to figure out his game but quickly realized that this time, there might not be any game. Daniel had not been coming to church of late. He complained the music was too upbeat, he complained the preaching was too much about prosperity, and too little about rules to live by.

  “I don’t want to cause you any trouble,” he added. “I’m happy to meet you there and we can go in separately? Just wanting to go with someone I know.”

  “Daniel probably won’t be there, but even if he is, you’ll be coming there with us,” I promised. “It’ll be just me and the babies otherwise,” I advised. “We’ll go together.”

  “Okay,” he said, nodding in relief, though he seemed troubled.

  The morning that David came to church with us was the morning that the band was short of a member. The person who sang lead. David offered to sing.

  “You can read music?” the preacher asked.

  “Yes,” David replied.

  “Familiar with our worship songs?”

  “I can’t say I am,” he admitted. “I’ll try my best.”

  As David sang the words of It Is Well With My Soul, a hymn penned by Horation Spafford, I felt my heart soar with every note he reached despite the sadness over Daniel and the fact that he was dying. I still remained at a loss as to how to feel and how to be moving forward. The babies and I would need to live without him somehow, for he wouldn’t be coming back.

  The pastor picked up on my sadness, and tried to get me to stay after the service. David read me well and assisted with a quick exit.

  “You alright?” he asked, in the car.

  “As alright as I can be,” I told him. The babies were cooing away in their car seats, oblivious to everything that was happening around them. David checked their seat belts one last time before starting the ignition.

  “I thought we could take a quick trip to the grocery store and I can pick up a few things for lunch and dinner?” he asked.

  “As long as we don’t take too long,” I replied. “I worry about leaving Daniel alone at home for too long, despite him saying he’ll be okay.”

  “I hear you,” David replied. “He’s asked me to take you and the kids out though.”

  “Oh,” I said. Playing matchmaker again.

  “We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he stated. I could tell he’d be disappointed if I said no.

  “Okay, let’s,” I told him, all the while thinking of Daniel and all the things I could possibly do to help him.

  We drove in silence until we got to the local neighbourhood grocer. “I’ll quickly pop in, won’t be a tick,” he said, rolling down the windows, turning for an instant to smile at the babies. “Or should I take them with me?” he asked. “One in the pram, the other in the sling? Or both in the sling if you come with?”

  Adalia was already squirming in her seat. Josiah didn’t seem to mind either way, he was fixated on something through the window, in the distance.

  “Let’s put them both in the sling, wear them down,” he suggested. Reluctantly, I agreed. With Daniel being ill, I didn’t feel like facing the world and putting on a smiley face.

  Josiah in my sling and Adalia in David’s, I absently followed David through the store as he methodically picked out a few items and hurriedly put them in the trolley. “Have you considered putting the babies on solids yet?” he asked, pausing at the baby section. “They’re nearing the five month mark,” he stated. “I can make up a few things for them, we can get some of these fruit and vege pouches here for when we’re out and about,” he suggested.

  “We thought we’d wait til six months or so, I’m happy to exclusively breastfeed until then,” I told him.

  “I know you are, but you’ll need your strength,” he advised. “It won’t hurt for them to have a breastfeed replaced by a small meal. Adalia’s definitely keen, I’ve had to stop her from grabbing food out of my hand.”

  “I guess we could look at them starting on solids soon,” I replied. “See what Daniel thinks.”

  “Moving on already, I see,” Jolène stated from behind us, causing David to startle then turn sharply in her direction.

  He scowled in response. “Ignore her Teme. We’re not playing your game today Jolène,” he announced turning his back to her.

  She ignored him and cast an endearing eye at the babies. Josiah gave her a toothless grin and reached out for her. “May I?” she asked, reaching out to hold him.

  Reluctantly I took Josiah out of the sling and she held him. He giggled away when she rocked him and tickled under his chin. A lone tear ran down her face. “Looks just like his dad did at this age, save for those cute cheeks, cocoa skin and gorgeous locks that come from you no doubt. I miss Daniel,” she said. “He’s refusing to take my calls, refusing to even let me in the door, but he needs me. Please talk to him Teme, please convince him not to shut me out. He needs me now more than ever. I can help him get through this. He wants me to make nice with the both of you. I was’t prepared to do that, but I’m now prepared to put my differences aside and do just that,” she promised.

  “Well, you can’t blame him for feeling the way he feels. He feels you betrayed him. He can’t get over what you did to David - he says he’s not prepared to entertain any discussion on you being in his life, and the life of our kids,” I informed her.

  “And that’s his call to make,” David added, examining a packet of mill
et flour before putting it into the trolley.

  “David, you of all people who grew up without a mother should be encouraging him to keep me in his life!” Jolène retorted.

  David shrugged in response.

  “Enough has been said already Jolène,” I snapped, taking Josiah back off her. She reluctantly let him go and tried to be friendly with Adalia who flat out ignored her. Daddy’s little girl. “I’ll say something to him. Don’t get your hopes up. His mind’s made up,” I said.

  “Okay,” Joléne said, defeated. “Send my love to him.”

  “You alright?” David asked as she walked away.

  I nodded to the affirmative.

  “You don’t look it, Mama,” he remarked.

  Mama? “You’ve never called me that, David.”

  “What, Mama?” he asked.

  “Yes, Mama," I replied.

  “I’ve gotta call you something other than baby, sugarpie or sweet lady or… Can’t I just keep on calling you Darlin’ or Mama?” he asked.

  “I suppose,” I replied.

  “Good,” he said, conscious of the fact that Adalia was starting to complain. “Let’s wrap this up. I’ve got just the thing to make you happy again,” he promised.

  The thing to make me happy again involved him taking a detour instead of heading home. Daniel had planned a picnic in the park. A chance for Daniel and I to connect, and a chance for David to bond with the babies.

  Daniel wasn’t hungry so ate very little.

  We left David on the picnic rug with the babies and went for a short stroll.

  “What if you survive?” I asked. “What if all this distance you’re placing between yourself and us is not necessary?”

  “It’ll be necessary whatever the outcome,” Daniel claimed.

  “Baby, if you survive, I’m sure you’ll be possessive to a fault. You’ve never wanted to share,” I reminded him. As we sat on the park bench, in the distance, David rolled around on the ground, causing the twins to explode in contagious laughter.

  “This is different,” he reasoned. “I can spend the remaining time jealously hoarding your affection, jealously holding on to everything and everyone, or I can learn to let go. I’m going to have to let go in the end. Perspective is everything,” he said, thoughtfully.

  “I’m not sure I’ll be able to let go of you,” I told him, hugging him deeply.

  “I didn’t ever want to have to let you go, but it looks like I’ll have to. Better you outlive me than the other way around. I won’t get a chance to miss you then,” he said.

  Tears filled my eyes, and he quickly sought to lighten the mood. “I’m sure you won’t miss my voracious appetite for sexy time,” he said abruptly.

  I laughed at the suggestion.

  “You can go back to quiet and peaceful evenings, knowing I won’t be there pestering you at all different times of night asking for you to give me some sugar,” he said. Taking off his sunglasses, he asked, “Speaking of which, do you want me to give you any more babies?”

  His question took me by surprise. “I…”

  “You hesitated there for a moment,” he noted.

  I nodded. “If you were staying on, it’d be a firm yes. But you’re leaving, and I don’t want to spend the remaining time with you all laid up in bed with morning sickness, or on bedrest for some reason or another. Josiah and Adalia are enough for me. I also want you to know all our babies. If you can’t be there to welcome them into the world with me, I’d rather we didn’t have any more,” I explained.

  “Fair enough,” he replied somewhat disappointed. “I guess you could always have more babies with Dave,” he said point blankly, putting his sunglasses back on.

  “Baby, don’t be like that,” I said. “I only want to be with you. You’re it for me.”

  “Things change, baby, things change. Plus you don’t have a choice. I’ve asked him to take my place. No negotiation,” he reminded me.

  “You can’t make me love him,” I stated.

  “I don’t have to make you anything. You already do. You’re just too stubborn to admit it,” he said.

  “I told you how I feel Daniel. I…”

  He silenced me with a finger on my lips. “Let’s not quarrel. Let’s talk, let’s walk, let’s make plans to have sexy time later, while I still can,” he said, pulling me in for a deep imploring kiss before we walked back to David and the babies.

  When we got back, Adalia was trying to prop herself up on two feet, and in that moment, Josiah moved from sitting position to a semi crawl.

  “Is he…?” Daniel asked, dropping to his knees.

  David bolted upright. “He’s definitely on the go!”

  Josiah giggled delightfully and crawled towards David first, then took a detour for Daniel. I fell to my knees as well, tears of joy streaming down my face. Happy the babies were growing, but sad that Daniel would miss a lot of milestones. From a distance, David saw my sadness and nodded his head at me acknowledging my pain.

  “It’ll only be a matter of time before this one starts walking,” he said, getting up, holding Adalia’s hands in his and walking her around. “She might just skip crawling, I reckon,” he predicted.

  “I’m just hoping I’ll be around long enough to see much more,” Daniel said sadly, scooping Josiah into his arms. “Let’s go home,” he said. He had his sunglasses on again, so I couldn’t see his eyes, but from the tone of his voice, I knew he was crying.

  Sleep didn’t come easy that night. We stayed up talking long after we should have gone to sleep.

  “Pray for our kids,” Daniel requested. “Promise me you’ll never cease praying for them,” he urged. “There are so many things in this world… so many matter of things… promise me you’ll never cease praying for them.”

  “I won’t,” I told him. “They are always in my prayers.”

  “Please make sure that Josiah is gentle and kind. Don’t let him take after me, bein’ all hot headed all the time. Tell him to mind his language and to be kind. He better not be using words like I command you ta, I order you ta… them’s fightin’ words. And Adalia, she’s gonna be a heartbreaker. Make sure she knows it ain’t just about lookin all purty and all. Make sure she takes after you and knows she needs to use her brains over beauty. And David…” he started. “You know I have too much to say about him. I’ve said most of what I feel already. I want you to be patient with him, I want you to take the time to get to know him. I didn’t do a great job of showing him how much I loved him as a brother, but I’m showing him now. Behind that smile, that laughter, there’s a lot of hurtin’ that needs a healin’. Between you and him, there’s a lot of lovin’ to be had. After I’m gone, I want you to move on to someone new. To him.”

  I shook my head in response. Knowing how David felt about me, it wouldn’t be hard to see us in the relationship Daniel envisioned. What I couldn’t envision was loving someone else the way I deeply loved Daniel despite our differences.

  “I’m not asking him to replace me,” he explained. “I am asking him to look out for you and the kids, and I figured he’s loved you so long, ain’t nothing wrong with goin’ ahead with a good thing,” he said, stroking my cheek and gently shifting a curly lock that was out of place. “Don’t tell me you ain’t got feelings for him, ‘cause that’ll be a lie.”

  I didn’t respond to his comment on my feelings for David. “This isn’t how our story was to end,” I told him instead.

  Easing back into his pillow, he stated confidently, “Well, maybe it was meant to end this way. I can’t envision living without you, so I think it’s fated and appropriate that you should outlive me.”

  Sadness swept over me. The years without him. The children growing up without their father. All the milestones he would miss. The hopes and dreams we would never achieve now. “Daniel, I wish you weren’t so practical all the time,” I said.

  “Can’t help who I am, sugarpie,” he replied. “So, in summary, you have my blessin’ to go on after I’m gone.
And please don’t tell me you won’t. There’s a lot of lovin’ to be had, a lot of lovin’ to give and receive. A lot of happiness still ahead for you and the kids, and David,” he assured me. “As for me, I’ve got my forever. You’ll be my last, you’ll be my forever,” he promised.

  I pulled him close to me and hugged him with all my might. This man that I’d come to love, cherish and adore would be gone soon. This man that I felt God had handpicked for me was leaving my life, never to return again. I knew that my love for him would never end, despite the passage of time. He would always hold a place in my heart. Still, without the promise of a future with him, I felt I would die. I’d never imagined getting through tomorrow without him.

  21

  SILVER RAIN

  The rain was coming down lightly but pounded down on our tin roof. We sat in the living room, with the babies on the floor, happily rolling around and enjoying a fleeting moment of freedom. It wouldn’t be long before they would be scooped up for a feed. Josiah didn’t mind playtime coming to an end for the sake of food. Adalia on the other hand did.

  “Raining again,” Daniel noted, deciding to step out on to the veranda, barefoot. Arms in his pocket he stood, staring in to the trees and other foliage beyond. His white t-shirt and gray tracksuit bottoms were getting pelted on by the rain but he didn’t seem to mind. He stood there motionless, in deep thought.

  Flashing me a boyish grin, his trademark dimples ever present, he requested, “Come join me if you dare.” Motioning to the kids, he noted, “Just for a moment. They’ll be fine.”

  I smiled, and took a step towards him and stood there with him. He pulled me in and held me tightly. “I’m already missing you and the little ones,” he confessed. “The time I’ve been given just doesn’t seem long enough,” he added. “When I first met you, all I could think of was the lifetime of love we would spend together. I should have known nothing’s guaranteed,” he stated. “Not for me anyway.”

  The rain came down a little harder this time. He embraced me whole, then stood behind me against the balcony railing.