My Dusk My Dawn

by Henrietta Georgia

  Sadie and Daniel were out first thing in the morning, while Johnny and I remained at home.

  “So, he’s all busy making plans for life here without him. It’s almost as though he’s at peace with leaving so soon, and leaving us all behind. I guess it must be done. I just can’t stand to see him like this,” Johnny confessed. “I offered to drive him to chemo and he refused. I’m at a complete loss as to how to support him, how to…,” he turned away, tears streaming down his face.

  “Johnny,” I called out, beckoning him to turn to me. “I’m hoping and praying that he pulls through this. He’s strong. He’s got faith, he’s…” I stopped mid-sentence, in tears, realizing I was just as scared and just as distraught as Johnny was.

  “He’s only human and you’re just as fucking scared as I am,” he said in between tears. “Pardon my French,” he said.

  I laughed nervously in response. “Your French was never crash hot Johnny.”

  He laughed in between tears. Deep in my heart, I had doubts that Daniel would survive this. I feared losing him. Overwhelmed with sadness, I fell to my knees and Johnny braced me. We held each other and cried, longing and praying for more time with the man we loved in different measures but equally.

  David came by a few hours later but didn’t stay for long. “I’m sorry Temwani,” he said, sorrowfully.

  “You’ve kept your distance,” I noted.

  “I came by when I could. Daniel doesn’t want me around,” he mentioned. “He claims I’m robbing him of his remaining time with you.”

  “I can’t believe you two are at it again,” I replied, amazed their animosity still continued.

  “We’re not. At least, I’m not. He’s pretty angry at the situation in general,” he explained. “He’s always been angry at me. Nothing’s changed.”

  I shrugged in response.

  “I’ve given him the details of some colleagues that may be able to help. A second opinion on the course of treatment would be useful,” he said.

  I heard Daniel pulling into the driveway. David suddenly chose to bolt. “I’ll be seeing you soon, I’ll give you a call later,” he promised, quickly exiting through the back door.

  Daniel walked in moments later and threw the car keys down on the kitchen bench top.

  “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” he said indignantly. “To us.”

  “We’ll try everything,” I promised.

  He ignored me. “I’ve tried to be all that God commands me to be, yet here I am. I’m not perfect, but I try. A lot of good that’s done me. He’s answered the prayer of an unrighteous man over the prayer of a righteous man,” he said angrily. “This isn’t fair.”

  “You’re the righteous man, and David’s the unrighteous man? You’re being a little dramatic baby.”

  “It’s the truth,” Daniel insisted.

  “Daniel, it isn’t all about you and David. It really isn’t. God’s not playing favorites,” I told him.

  “You don’t know that. David’s gotten everything he’s prayed for. So far,” he replied.

  I tried to reason with him, but he refused to listen. “This isn’t fair,” he stated again.

  “I’m sure God isn’t picking sides and choosing your brother over you.”

  “Well, it certainly feels like He is,” Daniel stated, overwhelmed with sadness. “It’s as though David’s sacrifice is somehow greater than mine.”

  I pondered his statement for a moment. I disagreed. I knew that all prayers came before God, and if they were in His will He would make things happen.

  “So, nautical dusk is setting on me, and a new dawn is rising on him, right?” Daniel asked rhetorically, clearly hurt and struggling to come to terms with the fact that there would be no future for us, together, once he was gone.

  I shook my head, disagreeing with him. “That’s not how it is,” I said.

  “Isn’t it? I think that’s exactly what it is,” he replied. “I’ll be gone and you’ll be free to be with David. Some form of poetic justice this is,” he said, his statement filling me with sadness. “Next time you see him, tell him to face me like a man. Tell him to walk out the same door he walked through. Tell him to stop slinking around and hiding away. Tell him to face me like a man.”

  “He didn’t want to face you today as he says you’re pretty angry with him.”

  “Why shouldn’t I be!” Daniel fumed. “I’ve got six months left to live, and he’s got his whole life ahead of him!” he yelled.

  I went to bed that night, my heart heavy laden with sorrow. I mourned for Daniel though he was not yet gone, and cried silently for the moments which we were to have which were no longer ours to dream for and hope for. It wasn’t fair, this I knew, but I also knew that David had been through a terrible time from the beginning. Was this a form of justice that we could not understand yet?

  As the days went on, and we got opinion after opinion confirming the original diagnosis, I couldn’t tell. When I spoke with David, my anger would often spill out into our conversation. “You prayed for this,” I reminded him.

  “I prayed for you and I to be together, I didn’t pray for this,” David promised. “I never asked for this.”

  I could tell he was hurting, but his hurt at that moment was the last thing on my mind. I felt a sense of guilt at the time that I’d wasted being angry at Daniel. I decided to make up for this by being completely devoted to him, and shutting out all outside noise and intervention. Disconnecting from David was part of that plan.

  Throughout that week, David called and I did not pick up. He sent numerous messages when I didn’t. I ignored the messages he sent for a whole week, and didn’t return any of his calls. Inevitably, he turned up at the office one afternoon, forcing me to talk to him.

  “If you don’t want me here, you just have to let me know,” he stated. His blue eyes looked sad, his voice strained. Not dressed up in his usual casual attire, he wore a black sweater, corduroy jeans, loafers and an air of sadness. “I’m not trying to be a thorn in your side,” he declared.

  “Aren’t you? Isn’t this what you wanted? For Daniel to be out of the picture, and for me to be available to you?” I asked angrily.

  “Temwani, please,” he pleaded with me. “I never asked for my own brother to have terminal cancer,” he said, his voice wavering. “I’m torn up inside about all of this.”

  “You’re obviously not too torn up inside if you’re here insisting that I talk to you – if you were all torn up inside, you’d appreciate that I can’t waste any more time entertaining you and the thought that we will eventually be together,” I stated. He winced slightly at my statement as though in physical pain. I refused to hold back. “You’re a doctor right? Why haven’t you been busy thinking of ways to save him other than refer him on to other colleagues?”

  In that moment, he sighed heavily and appeared exasperated. Shaking his head, he asked, “Don’t you think I’ve been trying? He won’t listen to me; he doesn’t want to hear anything I’ve got to say. He thinks the universe has somehow conspired against him to get him out of the picture and to make you available to me. He’s calling me names, saying I’m an unrighteous man who’s trying to make amends with God and putting my love for you on the line as a sacrifice… How am I supposed to help when neither one of you will let me help?” he asked. “I love you Teme, you know I’ll do anything for you. He’s my brother. He’s part of me. He’s a big part of me. It’s killing me inside that the both of you are shutting me out.”

  Hearing him plead his case and hearing him tell me that he loved me and was trying the best he knew how to help Daniel made the tears come unexpectedly.

  “Aw, don’t cry, Temwani,” he begged. “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry,” he apologized.

  “It’s not any one thing you said,” I replied, in between tears. “It’s… well, I never thought that this could happen. What’ll become of me and the babies when he’s gone? How will we survive?” I sobbed.

  “Hey, hey, hey,” Dav
id said, tenderly pulling me in for an embrace. “I’m here for you. I will continue to be here for you. You’re not doing this alone,” he promised.

  I melted in his arms, forgetting my anger at him, and grateful that he was there, once again.

  “I see you’re wearing my gift,” he noted, referring to the pink diamond embedded crucifix on my neck. “A reminder for you to keep your hopes up and keep believing.”

  I nodded in response.

  “I guess I was out of sight but not out of mind,” he said jovially, despite the earlier sadness.

  I shook my head in response. “You’re incorrigible, Doctor David Davenport,” I stated.

  He smiled widely and hugged me tightly. “I missed having you around, missed seeing you,” he stated. “But I promise to not make this about me,” he said. “He needs you right now, and I won’t stand in the way of what he needs. I need to talk to him face to face and let him know that I’m not here to stand in between the two of you.”

  “He’s pretty angry right now,” I warned.

  “I can understand why he would be,” David offered. “But when is he never angry when it comes to me?”

  I laughed, he was speaking truth.

  “So, you going back to him this arvo, like right now?” he asked. “I figured I could come with,” he advised.

  An image of the last punch up between them filled my mind. “You got your gloves on?”

  He smiled in response. “Trying the non-violent approach this time,” he said.

  Easier said than done. Daniel was in the living room, watching a re-run of the X-Files when David and I came in. “What a surprise,” he commented, shaking his head in disbelief. His anger was quite apparent.

  “No need to get all riled up Daniel, he’s just here to talk to you,” I explained.

  “I see nothing has changed,” Daniel presumed. “He’s clearly convinced you to be on side with him.”

  “Hear me out,” David pleaded. “Hear me out, will you? Five minutes of your time then if you want me to leave, I’ll leave,” he said.

  “Oh, this better be good,” Daniel said, standing up to face David.

  “I’m really sorry about everything. I’m really sad about your diagnosis,” he started. “I didn’t ask for this. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I don’t know how to be there for you when you don’t want me around. I need you to know that I’m not here to cause you distress. I want you to know that I’m here to help you and your wife out in any way possible. I will be here to take the babies off your hands and give you time together, I will be here to take you to your appointments…I will be here in any way you want me to be here. You don’t want me to be here, say the word and I’ll be gone.”

  Daniel stood akimbo, and appeared to be open to what David had said. “Okay then,” he started. “We need to talk.”

  “Go for it.” David stated.

  Motioning towards me, Daniel said “Alone. Without Teme. Just you and me.”

  Unsure, David stated nervously, “Okay?”

  “There’s only one way that things can be made right between you and I,” Daniel announced. “Let’s talk, and I’ll tell you how,” he said, making his way to the patio that flowed off the study. “Close the door behind you,” he commanded, as David stepped out onto the patio with him.

  I wanted to eavesdrop on their conversation but I didn’t. Instead, for a moment, I stood there, watching them in heated discussion. Surprisingly, the conversation did not seem to be confrontational. The expression on David’s face went from embarrassment to shock and disbelief. Daniel seemed largely unmoved, though it seemed he was trying hard to conceal his emotion.

  I heard the babies stir in bed on the monitor. Reluctantly, I left the two brothers to discuss and air out their grievances with each other, all the while resolving to find out what they had been talking about.

  When I came back, David was standing with his hands in his pockets, leaning up against the kitchen bench for support. “I’m heading off now,” he stated as a matter of factly, eager to leave in a hurry. Daniel was sitting back on the sofa, watching the X-Files.

  “Everything alright?” I asked. David nodded to the affirmative but his eyes betrayed him.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” he stated abruptly. “I’ll come by on my way to work.”

  Not taking his eyes off the screen, Daniel chimed in, “Thanks for stopping in, and see you tomorrow.”

  Tomorrow? I wondered. One moment they couldn’t stand each other, the next moment they were making plans to meet again? Odd. I hugged him goodbye, and wondered at the quick change from animosity to being amiable with each other.

  Daniel kept me wondering. When I tried to find out what had transpired between the two of them, his response was, “It’s complicated. You’ll find out in good enough time.”

  I texted David, and his response was very much the same. “He will tell you in due course, leave well enough alone for now.” Annoyed, I sent him an upside down emoji in response.

  While slightly dismayed at the secrets being kept from me, I knew I could corner either of them at any given time, and get them to spill the beans so to speak. David would be easier to break than Daniel, who’d recently become an expert at keeping mum. I resolved to do some digging in the morning, when David was over.

  20

  THE PACT

  The next day, David was in our home, bright and early. I offered him tea which he refused. He sat at the kitchen bench watching me prepare breakfast. He offered to help and I declined his offer. I knew how much he liked my cooking, so despite the offer, I continued prepping breakfast. Daniel was still in bed, he’d struggled to get up that morning.

  David lightly tapped his fingers on the kitchen bench top laminate, somehow impatient. “Has he been in to get a second opinion?” he asked of Daniel.

  “He’s gotten a third and a fourth,” I replied.

  “About his treatment plan and the diagnosis?” David asked.

  “If you’re asking whether he’s explored all possible options, then no,” I replied. “He doesn’t want to do anything that he’s not been commanded to do,” I stated. “Apparently God doesn’t want him to do anything that will involve extending his life.”

  David’s expression shifted from disbelief to anger. “He’s got to be kidding.” Standing up he asked, “That’s a nonsensical way of thinking. Doesn’t he think that God has given doctors the capacity to think of ways of prolonging life, and that this might actually be for his benefit? Doesn’t he think that God would want him to stick around for his children?” he asked.

  I shrugged in response. “With Daniel it’s always been a matter of watching, waiting and praying,” I said. “Right now we need to pray. I’ve tried to convince him otherwise but he’s not interested in changing his perspective. Not now anyway.”

  David shook his head in reply. “He wouldn’t want to wait around too much longer, time is of the essence.”

  “And His timing is perfect,” Daniel said, suddenly appearing at the door. Walking up to me, he planted a full kiss on my lips. Lately, all his public romantic overtures felt as though they were for show. I saw David look away. Knowing how deeply he felt for me, I knew it still hurt him deeply to see me with Daniel.

  I prepared a fruit platter, toast and beans for David which he ate heartily, as though he’d not eaten in a while. Daniel slowly devoured his bacon, eggs, toast and beans.

  Putting his fork down, David stated, “Mate, now’s not the time to stand on principle. Now’s the time to take action and hope that God will guide you in making the right decision when it comes to your treatment. Doing nothing is not an option,” he warned.

  Daniel finished eating before saying anything. The suspense. Typical of him. “What makes you think God is not guiding me now?”

  “I find it hard to believe that God would want you to do nothing and leave your beautiful wife and kids behind,” David said.

  Daniel caught on to his words. “Beautiful, that she is,�
� he agreed. “You prayed to be with her, didn’t you? What makes you think God is not trying to grant you your prayer request?”

  A flash of regret shone on David’s face, and he cast a side glance at me. “I didn’t pray for this to happen to you. I didn’t…” Stopping mid-sentence he said, “I agreed to what I agreed to yesterday, but I didn’t agree to this…”

  “What did you agree on yesterday?” I asked, feeling I would finally get the answers I longed for.

  “Sugarpie,” Daniel started. I knew I would not like what he had to say already. “I’ve asked David to fill my shoes when I’m gone,” he said point blankly.

  “Meaning?”

  “I’ve asked him to take the kids in as his own. I’ve also asked him to see to it that you’re well taken care of when I’m gone. He’s to take my place in your life when I’m gone,” Daniel confirmed.

  It felt as though I was hearing things. I took one look at him, and one look at David. “So, you’re already gone now, are you?” I asked.

  “Sugarpie, results is in. I will be gone soon. We all have to go somehow, someday,” he said, with finality. “I can’t think of a better person to fill my shoes than David,” he stated. “At least with the kids,” he explained. “I’m sure in time his charm will wear you down, if it hasn’t done so already. I want you to find happiness when I’m gone,” he said. “With him.”

  “Baby, you’re not even trying to stay alive!” I exclaimed, in tears.

  “No, that’s not what God’s intending,” he replied.

  “Please stop this,” I pleaded. “Why don’t you just stop for one minute and consider that your ideology may be at odds with what God wants. For once, just admit that you may be wrong?”

  I looked over at David for backing and he averted my gaze. He had tried. I was in this battle alone.

  “Don’t I have a say in this? How can you two be sworn enemies one day and the best of buddies the next?” Something’s amiss I thought.

  “This is what you’ve both wanted for the longest time, isn’t it?” Daniel questioned.