by Berri Fox
“Ashley.” It comes out as a whisper. I try again but my throat keeps closing on her name. “Ashley…”
“Jess, honey.” Abbie’s voice is soft. “What did she do?”
“No, its what I did. I let the whole secret out.”
“One of these days,” Rachel cuts in, “you’re actually going to give me the details so I can understand what the fuck you’re on about.”
“SSHH!” Abbie retorts. “She’s in pain you great gabbling goose.”
“Do I look like a fucking goose to you?”
“Well...”
“Hello?” I snap into the phone. “Woman in crisis here?”
“Sorry honey.” Abbie apologizes immediately. “What happened?”
“I let the secret out. Then Ashley she… She went nuts. It was awful. After what we shared together, I thought…”
There is a deep silence on the other side of the phone.
“Girls?”
“I’m just processing.” Rachel says quickly. “You’ve dumped a pile of information on me here. I’m trying not to bombard you with questions, because I know you don’t need that right now, but my head is spinning.”
“Yeah, I can relate.” Abbie pipes up. “How exactly did you let out the secret? Who knows?”
“De Haverland.”
Rachel whistles. “Now I get it a bit more. Nasty. What’s he doing about it?”
“Blackmailing us.”
“Well fuck. I can’t say I’m surprised but—”
“We’ll kick their butts for this!” Abbie gets so feisty she’s probably jumping up and down.
“We can bail you out no matter what happens.” Rachel says firmly. “We won’t let anything happen to you.”
“That’s easy for you to say. I’m the one trapped on the boat. Without a ticket.”
“Yes. This is true. But sooner or later they’ll bring you back here. Then we strike.” She lets out one of those over the top, evil cackles.
“How much trouble are you in, babe?” Abbie asks quietly.
“I’m really not sure yet.” I can feel my voice trembling at the edges. “I got stuck on this fucking ship, then I got thrown into a whirlwind with Ashley… Then it all went to hell. Really fast too. I’m not even sure how things got this bad.”
“Don’t worry.” Rachel says firmly. “We will help you. I’m not going to let that rich bitch hurt you.”
I smile softly. “Thanks Rach.”
“You’ve got us on your team.” Abbie speaks with determination.
I was right about one thing. My girls really know how to make me feel better.
“I’m going to get back to work right now.” Abbie says, “but call back whenever you need us. I think you need to have a chill, there’s so much you haven’t told us yet. I’m not going to ask for a detailed account though. I can tell you’re really upset.”
“Yes, funny how the secret is out but much of it is still a secret.” Rach mutters.
I grin and shake my head even though they can’t see it.
“Thank you, girls.”
They give me their goodbyes and I start googling. I can’t afford a lawyer. Even a cheap one. I’m going to have to work some of this shit out myself. The bookstore doesn’t make enough to pay my legal bills and even if it did, I couldn’t let my girls go broke for me.
I’m not finding much to help me, but I feel a boost of confidence that I’m at least looking. Instead of sitting there waiting to be hammered by life, I’m trying to dig myself out of this and I can’t help being just a bit proud of that.
Then there is a loud banging at the door.
I completely freak the fuck out. I stand up then sit down again. Should I just look chill? Answer questions with a deadpan calm?
I couldn’t do that even if I wanted to! Fuck! Before I know it, I’m hurling myself across the room and throwing myself behind the couch.
They are going to lock me up. I’m screwed. What’s going to happen to Alex? My heart starts beating so fast I can’t breathe. What the fuck will they do with him? This cant be happening.
I hear Natalie go over to the door and open it. I freeze behind the couch, waiting for big, important voices to state they are searching the premises for a criminal.
“Ashley?”
“Get out of my way.”
I peek over the couch in astonishment.
“Ashley, I know you think you’re important and all, but fuck. You can’t just barge into my space like—”
“Where is she?” Ashley snaps. “I know she’s got to be here. Where?”
Sandy comes charging in, hands up high. He starts advancing on Ashley.
“Oh, hell no. No way. You stay away. I’m not letting you near—”
“Will you both just shut up and tell me where she is?”
Her eyes rake the room. When they sweep past the couch her eyes stray past then come back, locking on to my eyes peeking over top.
“Jess.” She whispers.
“What did I just say?” Sandy thunders, putting himself between Ashley and the couch. “You leave her alone. You’ve done enough damage.”
Ashley crosses her arms and gives him a look that would make roses wither.
“Do you think I’m going to let you tell me what to do?” She takes a breath and lets it out so hard it could be the sound of a bull about to charge.
“Just hang on.” Natalie tries to get between them. “Everyone calm down. Jess needs—”
“Jess needs me!” Ashley yells. I think everyone in the room jumps at the same time. My heart leaps in my chest like it trying to go to her and I want to let it.
“I mean, she needs me to explain.” Ashley seems to get herself under control somewhat.
“I don’t think that’s wise.” Sandy narrows his eyes at her as they stand off. “Jess is very upset right now. I’m not sure that unburdening yourself is what Jess needs.”
I sit back down on the floor, putting my back against the couch. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what’s going on. Fuck.
“Jess!” Ashley calls out and the strain in her voice makes me shiver. There’s a desperation there, the sound of someone who’s always gotten what they want and now feels frightened they’ll be denied something they need.
I hear a scuffle, as if Ashley tried to make a charge.
“You stay away!” Sandy yells.
“Jess!” Ashley’s voice trembles properly now. Like she’s going to cry. “Please talk to me. Please Jess!”
I shake my head even though I’m hidden. Tears are still running down my cheeks.
“I think you should go.” Sandy says firmly.
“Not until I talk to her! I just want to talk dammit!”
My breaths have stopped heaving in and out. My tears aren’t dry, but they are almost done. I clear my throat and let my voice ring out.
“I’ll talk to you, Ashley. It’s okay.”
There is a bit of tension in the room. I’m not as nervous as I was before. I don’t need Ashley to save me. Its stupid to suck up and let my feelings get hurt just because I want to use her money or power.
No. I have friends, good friends. They won’t fail me. We’ll work it out together.
I hear Ashley’s footsteps. In spite of my newfound confidence, I feel icy cramps in my guts.
Twenty-Seven
Ashley
Sandy gives me a bit more of his glare before stepping aside. I barely restrain myself from shoving him out of the way and rush around the couch.
Jess isn’t just hiding behind it, she’s folded herself into the bottom of a side table. She looks like a kid playing cubby house.
“Jess? Jess, please talk to me.”
She shakes her head, looking composed even though tears are drying on her cheeks.
“I can’t talk to you.”
“So just listen. I’m sorry—so sorry—about before. I got caught off guard. I know I said the wrong thing. I was just a bit scared.”
“You’re scared!” Jess ex
claims.
I realize how insensitive that sounded, especially considering I’m not at risk of criminal charges. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be Jess, to have my every move calculated by money, and not in the good way that I’m used to.
“I’m sorry. Jess, I have to tell you. It’s why I came.” I have to pause to try and swallow the lump in my throat. It doesn’t help. I think part of it shifts to my chest like a heavy stone while good chunk of it stays right in my throat.
“I, ah—” I stumble on my words as well as the lump in my throat. “This isn’t easy for me, Jess.”
She glares at me. No words, not even a change of expression. Her eyes though. They are full of tears, sweet and innocent but at the same time, they cut like blades.
I try gulping down the lump again. No luck. Looks like I’ll just have to try and talk through it. I clear my throat hard.
“I’ve never felt so deeply about anyone before, Jess. It’s difficult for me to accept. I couldn’t admit it to myself. I didn’t want this adventure to end in black mail.”
An expression I don’t quite catch flashes across Jess’ face, and she blinks those big green eyes at me.
“How was it supposed to end? You were just going to drop me in the gutter and go back to fucking anything you please?”
It hurts like a blow to the chest, but I know I deserve it. I crawl a bit closer, wondering if I can drag her out by force.
“Jess. Hear me. I’m saying I love you.”
You could hear a pin drop. Like literally, its as if Natalie and Sandy have ceased to breathe. Jess looks up at me and those eyes are calm and self assured. A lot of grunt for a woman who’s currently hiding under a side table.
Her mouth works as her face falls. She shakes her head.
“I’m not lying Jess! I swear! I usually walk away from the bed the next morning barely remembering the chick’s name! I was surprised that I wanted to get back into bed with you… And my brain didn’t automatically turn to the next conquest.”
“Not a great time to remind me of that.”
“Alright, shit!” I slam my fist into the carpet. “I know I was a beast to you. I freaked. I get it. But I need you to understand I’m totally opening up to you right now. I couldn’t say these things if I didn’t mean them.”
“I don’t know that. I don’t know anything.”
“Jess. I can’t get De Haverland without you.”
Now she laughs. “Oh, really? You need my help to get him? I find that very difficult to believe. You’ve got plenty of lawyers and lackeys. You don’t need me, and you never did.”
“Jess!” My voice wails a bit and I’m ashamed of myself. “I didn’t know I needed you until right now! I was scared of everyone pulling apart my little lie, but I was even more scared for you… And Alex.”
“What about Alex?” Jess stares at me coldly.
I sigh, letting my shoulders slump.
“If I did my usual playgirl thing, he’d get hurt. I couldn’t let that happen. If the whole story was going to go to hell, I didn’t want you guys caught in it. I’m sorry Jess. Please accept my apology. I’m not asking you to love me—okay, I’m hoping—but I need you to understand.”
When she looks up at me again, I see a flicker of something in her eyes. I think it might be love and scuttle forward eagerly.
She shuffles back. I stop, face falling and the lump in my chest striking my heart.
“Jess?”
“You just want me back for your little game.” She looks at me briefly, then back at the floor. “Your worried about your reputation. You care more about what the papers say about you than what I think.”
“No, Jess. It’s not like that.”
“How do I know, huh?” She turns those green eyes on to me and speaks with a respectable amount of venom. “I don’t know a goddamn thing right now, except that I’m never going to trust you again. I don’t know what your motives are. I can’t risk Alex—or myself.”
An idea begins to dawn. I sit up quickly, locking eyes with Natalie.
“Where’s Alex?”
“None of your business.” Sandy snaps. I look back at Natalie.
“Please?”
Her scowl softens slightly. Just a little. She looks over at the table where there’s a coloring book and some pencils.
“He was here.” Natalie says softly. “I took him to play group so Jess could cry in peace.”
I don’t wait. I just bolt out the door. I hurry to the nearest play center and there he is, the perfect cherub. He grins at me as I approach and I think to myself, I think I’m in love double time. I never really had the patience for kids, but this guy is cool.
He hurries out of the ball pit and runs over to me. When he hugs me with his little arms and reaches up to take my hand I melt completely.
“Where are we going, Auntie Ashley?”
Auntie Ashley. Oh, dear god. This just gets cuter and cuter.
“Back to see your other Auntie. You remember the song we’ve been practicing?”
“Yeah! Are we going to sing it?”
“We sure are, kiddo.”
We hurry through the crowds, heading straight for Natalie’s room. Alex is just as eager as I am to get there and at times, he runs ahead, dragging me along.
When we enter the room Natalie and Sandy are talking quietly. Nat gives me a hard look.
“Unforgivable, Ashley.” She shakes her head. “Don’t use the kid against her!”
“I’m not!” My eyes prick with tears. “I wouldn’t! I love the little guy.”
I look down into his face and he beams up at me, squeezing my hand. Like most kids, he’s smart enough to know what’s going on without following the entire conversation.
“Okay, Alex!” I grin at him, bending down to hold his hands. “Let’s do it! A one and a two and three and four.”
I clap hard and start to sing. To the tune of ‘twinkle twinkle’ we belt out a little round all about how Ashley loves Jess. Alex helped me compose it and find the words, although we did fight a little over the melody.
I can’t help it, I dance around a bit. So does Alex. We groove into the second verse, singing about how Ashley cares for Jess and wants to be with her.
I see Natalie tapping her foot to the music and grinning. She approves, I think. Sandy just looks suspicious.
Alex is beaming and his cheeks are red. He looks a bit confused that he can’t see Jess, but I gesture to the couch.
“Jess is hiding.” I whisper to him. “It’s a special game. When she’s convinced how much we care, she’ll come out!”
Alex doubles his efforts and so do I. This isn’t the type of ‘romantic’ I’m used to. I’d probably laugh at someone who tried it on me. I’ve never met a kid I could click with, though. I’d probably do anything that Alex told me to, I’m so head over heels for him.
I’m totally out of options now. I’ve tried baring my heart, giving her my soul. She didn’t believe me. Maybe she never will.
But getting Alex help me declare my love for her has to be a sign of care and commitment, doesn’t it? I’m so nervous I could shiver into a small puddle. God, I hope, I pray, that Jess can see how much I care.
Twenty-Eight
Jess
I’m shocked listening to the song. This is not something you could do on the fly. They have clearly been rehearsing this for awhile.
I can’t just dismiss it. I can’t conceive of someone who would be so rotten and selfish that they would rope a little kid into this. From what I know of Ashley, she wouldn’t have the attention span even if she did have the malicious intent.
As they finish singing, I start unfolding myself from under the side table. The first thing I see as I tentatively raise my head is Natalie with tears streaming down her cheeks. Sandy is still scowling but he’s having trouble maintaining it.
The sight of Ashley and Alex cavorting like they are right in the middle of a kid’s TV show is enough to crack anyone. I see Alex’s little face
shining with excitement and its more than the song that touches me.
For them to have rehearsed this, they had to be spending time together. I knew Ashley was taking him out a bit, but I had no idea they were interacting like this. I thought she was just being kind to him for my sake.
It never occurred to me that they might have a bond. Clearly, they do. Its right there in Alex’s face as he beams up at Ashley.
I stand up slowly, holding on to the couch. Alex sees me and comes running over, flinging his little arms around my waist.
“Yay! You came out! That must mean you believe Auntie Ashley!”
He’s so cheery and excited I don’t want to ruin his mood, but I have to shake my head.
“What do you mean?” I’m also stunned by his casual use of Auntie Ashley.
“She said if we sang the song right, you’d come out! You came out, so you must believe that Auntie Ashley loves you! You’ll be together forever!”
I shake my head helplessly, overcome. I’m not saying a damn thing in front of him, but I glare at Ashley over his head. If she is too damn reckless to realize what she’s done, to play with the emotions of an innocent, trusting child…
Ashley stares right back at me. She lowers her arms, palms open. Her face is serious, and her eyes are wide. She’s begging me to understand.
I want to leap into her arms. I want to know what it feels like to hug her with Alex pressed between us. I want her, and that’s exactly why I can’t go to her.
I’m not convinced, not by a long shot. In my opinion, you couldn’t speak to someone you love like that. No matter what was going down, if she cares about me it should be talk first, yell later.
A woman I loved who loved me in return would know that we do these things together. You don’t toss me off the ship without even a life raft, you jump into the shit with me and we fight our way out together.
I’m glad Alex is still hugging me tight and he can’t see the look I’m shooting Ashley. Her face seems to fall just at my expression, and I feel a little surge of triumph. I’m ashamed of it.
I can’t be certain that she isn’t using me to put the whole situation back together for her. I can’t let her use Alex, I wont. My doubts have faded but they aren’t gone.