Mirrors of the Sea

by Sally Wentworth

  'You said you'd seen a "divine man", I think you called him. You didn't say his name.'

  'No. Well, possibly I didn't know it then,' Gail conceded. 'But why didn't you tell me you knew him at the welcome-aboard party? I saw you looking at him, and you must have recognised him. Anyone who'd met Titus before couldn't possibly forget him.'

  And you've never said a truer word, Alys thought, suppressing a hysterical urge to laugh. But she said instead, 'There wasn't an opportunity. And, anyway, I wasn't sure if he—er—would know me.'

  'Well, that figures,' Gail commented in supreme disregard for Alys's feelings. 'But he obviously did, because he joined you last night.'

  'Yes.'

  Irritated by her unhelpful tone, Gail said impatiently, 'Well? How do you know him?'

  'He was a lecturer on Egyptology at the university I went to.'

  'Oh, I see.' Gail sounded pleased. 'You only know him on a student-teacher relationship?'

  'I suppose you could say that,' Alys agreed, remembering the long hours they had spent in bed together when Titus had taught her so many things in their wonderful world of sensual love.

  'Is he married, do you know?'

  'I have no idea,' Alys replied honestly.

  'I shouldn't think so; all the other lecturers have their wives along to share the free holiday.'

  'But he's much younger than the others,' Alys pointed out.' Perhaps his wife is at home with—with his children.' She didn't know why she'd said it—to tease Gail, yes, but that was stupid when the idea hurt herself so much.

  'Why, yes, it's possible. But surely you must have known whether he was married or not when you were at university?'

  'I didn't hear that he had a wife.'

  'How long ago was it since you left?'

  'A couple of years.'

  Gail gave her an assessing look. 'You don't look that young—and you certainly don't act it.'

  'I'm twenty-five,' Alys supplied with a small smile. 'I had a year's sabbatical between school and university, and after I'd got my degree I stayed on to take a doctorate. But I—gave that up.'

  'Good for you,' Gail surprised her by answering. 'Too much education seems to make girls very dull.'

  'Titus is an academic,' Alys pointed out.

  'I said girls. In men I suppose it's OK—if they look like Titus it is anyway.'

  Alys laughed. 'Do you always go for looks?'

  'Well, money comes in handy as well, of course. Still, if Titus is a college don I imagine he must be quite loaded.'

  'He might have—commitments,' Alys pointed out.

  She thought she had spoken quite casually but Gail immediately pounced. 'What commitments? What do you know about him?'

  'Nothing; I told you.'

  'Oh, yes, you do. Don't tell me our divine doctor has a past! How intriguing! Come on, Alys, tell.'

  'No.' An idea occurred to her. 'Why don't you ask him if he's married?'

  Gail gave her a thoughtful look. 'Maybe I will. Tell me; you're not interested in him yourself, are you?'

  'Definitely not,' Alys replied, and gave Gail an innocent smile. 'I grew out of crushes on teachers years ago.'

  They parted when they reached the ship, each going to her own cabin. Alys found Aunt Lou resting so went up on deck to read for an hour or so, finding herself a lounger between two that were already occupied so that she didn't have to worry about Titus or anyone else joining her. But in light of what had happened during the last couple of days it would have taken a really outstanding book to keep her attention. Soon she lay back and closed her eyes, going back over the day. She had been with Titus for only a short while, and yet the few words, the few glances she had exchanged with him seemed strangely significant.

  He certainly wasn't ignoring her, which he could easily have done, but Alys wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. She had the feeling that between them things had to be all or nothing. From the moment she met him she had had it all; from the moment she left him there had been nothing. And now? Alys stirred, disturbed in her mind. Titus ought to hate her. Perhaps he did. But whatever feelings he had for her he wasn't able to control them enough to totally reject her, to make out that he didn't care. He had sought her out, not the other way round, and had soon made it clear that he hadn't forgotten, that his memories were still raw, in fact. But if he'd married Camilla after all, then surely he would have put her, Alys, firmly out of his mind.

  As for herself, Alys was intensely curious to know what had happened to Camilla. Had Titus married or got rid of her? But what about his son? The boy had been Camilla's weapon, and Titus might easily have grown to love him while they shared the house, the house that had once been theirs. Alys wondered if it was partly jealousy of his concern for the boy that had made her leave him. She'd thought his love was all for her, pure and undivided. OK, she'd been ready enough to have children, but as an extension of their love for each other rather than for the children's own sake, a natural outcome of the emotions that had overwhelmed them from the very first moment they'd set eyes on each other. Last night she'd told Titus that she didn't regret that moment, and that had been true; she'd never regret it. But knowing Titus had put paid to her wanting another man since; anyone who had shown an interest had been compared to him and immediately become as nothing. So maybe Titus had been right to say that she'd shut herself up in a kind of nunnery, away from men. She had known the best, and the memory of that would keep her warm through the long, empty years of her life.

  After dinner that evening most of the passengers went ashore to explore the town of Heraklion, and, although Alys would have liked to go, instead she played bridge with her aunt and two other ladies until eleven when they went to bed. She hadn't seen Titus—or Gail, but the woman who had fainted, excited at being the centre of so much attention, came over to thank Aunt Lou and had been full of feminine flutter about, 'That nice Dr Irvine. So kind. So strong.'

  While they were preparing for bed, Alys said casually, 'You and Titus seemed to be getting along well this afternoon.'

  'Yes, he's a most interesting man.'

  'You know what I mean, Aunt Lou.'

  'Then why don't you say it? No, Alys, I did not let him know that you had taken me into your confidence, but I rather think you let him know that yourself.'

  Alys frowned. 'I did? How?'

  Louise hesitated, as if finding the right words. 'It was the way you spoke to him. You betrayed the fact that you'd known him really well. If you hadn't told me about him you would have been more circumspect, acted as if he were only an acquaintance.'

  'Maybe you're right,' Alys admitted. 'It isn't easy to pretend.'

  'So why do it?'

  Alys turned to give her a surprised look. 'What do you mean?'

  'Are you ashamed of your affair with Titus?'

  'No, of course not, but ‑'

  'So why make it a big secret, then?'

  'I don't want everyone on the ship to know about it.' She held up her hand before her aunt could speak. 'You just don't talk about past affairs; it isn't done.'

  Aunt Lou shook her head in disbelief. 'I just don't understand your generation, Alys. It seems to be all right to go and live quite openly with a man without being married, but once you break up it becomes a guarded secret, as if it was all very shameful in the first place.'

  'It may seem like that,' Alys admitted. 'But there are rules. Suppose Titus fancied Gail, for instance; he wouldn't want me strolling up and greeting him like a past lover, now would he?'

  'I think he'd prefer anyone to Gail,' her aunt said in such an ironical tone that Alys burst into laughter.

  The next day was Sunday and Aunt Lou got up early to go to the service at seven. She wasn't a very regular churchgoer, but one of the lecturers also happened to be a bishop, and, as she said, it wasn't often you got a bishop thrown in with your holiday. Alys got up, too, but put on a tracksuit and went jogging round the deck for an hour. At first there was a mist over the sea, but this dissolved as th
e sun rose and she soon grew warm. Alys paused to take off her tracksuit-top and tie it round her waist, revealing the sports vest underneath. She ran on again, becoming surprised to see so many of the crew out and about on the deck so early. But maybe this was the time, before most of the passengers were around, when they swabbed the decks or whatever. Most of them gave her big grins as she passed and Alys smiled back, thinking how friendly the crew were.

  After three-quarters of an hour, she stopped at an open area of deck and did her exercise routine, one that she'd worked out over the years to keep her in good physical shape, and which also worked off a hell of a lot of frustration. When she'd finished there was a ripple of applause and she looked up in surprise to see a whole line of crewmen watching her from the deck above. So she had been the attraction. Alys laughed, gave them a mock curtsy, and went down to the cabin to shower and change before breakfast.

  Later that morning they anchored off the island of Santorini, disembarking in small boats that took them ashore to see the coastal town of Thera, set high on the cliffs. Aunt Lou, however, had been there before so she and Alys were taking an optional excursion further up the coast. Titus must have gone with the main crowd because they didn't see him until they were driven back to Thera to have a look round before returning to the ship. The little town was full of souvenir and tourist shops, especially jewellers, and it was through the window of one of these that Alys caught sight of Titus. He had his back to her and seemed to be examining some trays on the counter, but Alys couldn't see what they contained. But Titus was alone; Gail wasn't with him. So whom was he buying jewellery for? Alys wondered. Camilla?

  It occurred to her that her whole life had been disrupted by someone she hadn't seen, had only spoken to twice on the phone. She had no idea what Camilla looked like, whether she was beautiful or ordinary, animated or quiet. Whether she had the power to win Titus back even though he'd once rejected her. But Alys had run away even before Camilla arrived at the house, hadn't even stayed to size up the opposition. And in so doing had left her rival a clear field, Alys thought ruefully. She sighed, suddenly wishing that she hadn't left quite so hastily.

  Aunt Lou glanced at her and gestured to some tables with bright yellow cloths outside a cafe. 'This looks very attractive; let's have a drink.'

  They sat down, some other passengers came along and asked to join them, and then Gail and her mother. Gail pulled a chair up close to Alys's, and, as soon as the older women were chatting happily, leaned close to say in her ear, 'Titus isn't married.'

  Alys hesitated but couldn't resist. Putting her head next to Gail's, she whispered, 'How did you find out? You didn't come right out and ask him?'

  'No, of course not.' Gail looked smug. 'I got my mother to ask the cruise director. And Titus is definitely single because the company offered to let him bring his wife and he said he wasn't married.'

  'He could still be living with someone, though.'

  'I thought of that and primed my mother first. It seems the company has no objection to a steady partner coming along so long as it's all very discreet—the couple don't flaunt it in the faces of the other passengers, kind of thing.' Gail gave a gleeful smile. 'So I shall look on Titus as a lawful target.'

  'You would have anyway,' Alys guessed.

  The other girl laughed. 'Oh, no—if he had been married I should have looked on him as an unlawful target! Which would have been even more fun.'

  Alys shook her head at her and went to speak, but some sixth sense made her look up and she saw that Titus was walking slowly past and was watching them. Alys flushed, which made Gail look up, too, and give a small start, which completely gave away the fact that they'd been discussing him. Gail recovered first and flashed him a bright smile, but it was at Alys that Titus looked, his eyebrow raised sardonically before he walked on.

  'Excuse me.' Gail got up to go after him. 'You'll be all right without me, won't you, Ma? See you back at the ship.'

  Her mother could only watch her go and try to cover up her rudeness. 'So impetuous,' she murmured. 'So full of life.'

  They all fell silent, watching Gail catch up with Titus and slip her arm through his. Alys expected him to cut the other girl down to size, angry at the fact that they'd been talking about him, but to her surprise Titus gave Gail one of his lazy grins and seemed pleased to see her. Looking down at her drink, Alys tried to quell the ache of jealousy in her heart; Titus wasn't hers any more, she had no right to feel this way. But heart and mind didn't always agree, and Alys's certainly didn't now. Was she going to be stuck on this boat watching Gail pursue Titus until he succumbed and they had an affair, for heaven's sake?

  She set her empty glass down on the table and gave her aunt an intense look. Aunt Lou, immediately getting the message, looked at her watch and said, 'Is that the time? Oughtn't we to be making our way back to the ship?'

  Titus gave a lecture that afternoon but Alys didn't go to it, instead sunbathing on the sundeck and swimming in the pool while she had it to herself. But when she came out Jack Reed was at the pool bar and offered her a drink. They chatted amicably together, Alys's hair drying into golden tendrils in the sun.

  'Thought Gail would be out here,' Jack remarked. 'She doesn't usually go to the lectures. Who's giving it?'

  'Don't you ever read the daily programme sheet?' Alys admonished. 'It's Titus Irvine.'

  'That's why, then. She's got the hots for him.'

  'And you, I think, have got the hots for Gail,' Alys responded, meeting him at his own level.

  Jack grinned. 'I admit I have. Something cruel. That's why I keep drinking so much cold beer—trying to put out the fire.'

  'Wouldn't you spend your time better by trying to get Gail interested?'

  'She won't look at me while Titus is around. He's too damn good-looking and clever.'

  'You think brains are an attraction?'

  'No, but Gail does—probably because she hasn't got much in that line herself.'

  Alys smiled. 'You sound disillusioned.'

  'No, just realistic. But I go for the dark, exotic type.'

  The complete opposite of himself, in fact, Alys thought, glancing at his very uninteresting clothes and his rather plain face. She gave him a contemplative look, was about to ask him something, but changed her mind.

  Jack laughed. 'I can read you like a book; you're wondering if I'm married, or whether there have been many dark, exotic women in my life.'

  'Oh, dear, was it that obvious?'

  'You've got an honest face.'

  'I'm afraid so,' Alys admitted, with such genuine regret that he gave a burst of laughter.

  'The answer's no, and no. I'm not married and there haven't been many women—not that many, at least. I've always been too busy working.'

  'GPs do always seem to be terribly busy,' Alys agreed.

  Jack shot her a glance that was strangely amused. 'Yes, I suppose they are.'

  'You're not in general practice?' Alys asked uncertainly.

  But Jack turned to catch the barman's eye. 'Another round of drinks, please.'

  'Hey, it's my turn,' Alys protested, and insisted on signing the bill.

  When their little battle was over Jack immediately started to tell her about some fantastic cocktail recipe he'd made up, promising to get the barman to make one for her on their last night.

  'Why the last night?'

  'Because after a couple of those there's no way you'll want to go walking round ruins the next day. All you'll want is to be loaded on to a plane and taken home.'

  'Sounds a killer. What's in it?'

  'Don't ask.'

  'Bad as that, huh?' Alys smiled at him and glanced round to see that the lecture was over and the passengers coming out on deck for their afternoon tea. 'Be seeing you,' she told Jack and went down to the cabin to change.

  After dinner that evening there was a display of Greek dancing by two of the younger members of the crew, introduced as Ioannis and Adonis. The latter name made Alys smile, but as the men
danced, their slim figures swaying and leaping to the traditional music, something of their inherent male arrogance came across and she could imagine men dancing like this back through the centuries. And their women looking on with as much admiration as she could see on a lot of the female faces tonight, Alys thought wryly. Her eyes wandered the room, looking for Titus, but she didn't see him until the display was over and she got up to move her chair so that Aunt Lou could get past. He was standing almost directly behind her, leaning against the wall, his hands stuck in his pockets, casually elegant in a lightweight suit.

  Alys's heart did its usual jolt and she was sure that he'd noticed her, but Titus didn't even nod, just bent to speak to the group of people at the table near him, a group that included Gail of course, then went over to the bar to buy a round of drinks. Aunt Lou wanted to play bridge again and, although Alys didn't particularly feel like it, they had no one else to make up the four so she had no choice but to sit down and play for a couple of hours until the ladies said they were tired and the game broke up.

  'Now where are we tomorrow?' Aunt Lou wondered to herself as they walked back towards their cabin. 'Oh, of course, Rhodes. Didn't you say you'd been there before?'

  'Yes, on holiday with Mum and Dad. About seven years ago. You'll love it.'

  They reached the cabin and Aunt Lou unlocked the door, but Alys hesitated.

  'Would you mind if I went on deck for a while? I need to get some fresh air.'

  'No, of course not, my dear. Here, don't forget to take the key with you.'

  'Goodnight, then.' Alys kissed her aunt and ran up the nearby staircase on to the deck.

  It was a beautiful night, the stars so bright that she felt she could reach out and touch them. A faint breeze lifted her hair but the air was still as warm as an English summer day. In the stern of the ship, near the pool area, coloured lights had been strung along the awning frame and the rigging, giving the ship a festive look—an old lady showing off her jewels. There were still several people sitting out there, having a last drink before the bar closed, but Alys sat on a lounger on the shadowed, empty side, wanting to be quiet and think.

  Had Titus been buying a present for Gail in the jewellery shop back on Santorini? she wondered. Surely not. He had wanted to be rid of Gail—or had Alys just assumed that? But at least today she'd learnt that he hadn't married Camilla, which was a comforting thought. Not that it should be, of course, but somehow it definitely was. She felt that for the last two years she'd been living in a kind of limbo, at first always expecting Titus to come for her, or at least to write or phone. But when he hadn't got in touch she had tried to bury the hurt, tried not to think or feel. And to a large extent she had succeeded, living from day to day, always keeping terribly busy, until it had become a way of life: action always, feelings never. But meeting Titus again now had made her realise just how much she still cared about him, even though he had treated her so badly. And her body had certainly told her just how much she wanted him, too, when he had touched her, when she had looked at him.