Mirrors of the Sea

by Sally Wentworth

  So what am I going to do about it? she asked herself. Am I going to sit tamely by like some weak-spirited wimp—or am I going to forgive him and try and get him back? That was quite an enormous thought, one that had to be gone over very carefully. First: do I want him back? There's always the problem of his son, and Camilla, and ‑Of course I darn well want him back! she realised fiercely. I was the most stupid, proud, egotistical fool alive to leave him in the first place. And I want him, want him, want him! She sat forward, her body tense and her hands clenched into determined fists. And I'm going to get him!

  The violence of her feelings made Alys feel suddenly weak, and she sank back in the chair, laughing a little at her own vehemence. But the decision had been made and her resolve was strong. And oh, it was such a relief to have made it, to have acknowledged the feelings that had always been there, deep in her heart. She had behaved with angry impulsiveness when she left Titus, and should have gone back, or at least tried to see him again, as soon as her feelings had cooled down. But pride and a kind of hurt bewilderment had held her back, and then it had seemed too late. Maybe it really was too late now, but Alys made up her mind to try to regain the happiness she'd lost.

  But how to go about it? She couldn't just go to his cabin, walk in, and say, 'I still love you. I want to come back to you.' But why not? Alys sat up again, her mind full of excitement. Wasn't the direct approach always the best? Besides, Titus might be too taken aback to say no. But she didn't have to be so direct; she could just say that she wanted to talk. Alys got to her feet, heart fluttering with nervous anticipation, then came back to earth with a thud as she realised that she didn't know Titus's cabin number. But then she remembered that when she'd gone to buy some stamps she'd seen a list outside the purser's office.

  Her impulsive heart pushing her on, Alys hurried along the darkened deck towards the brightly lit stern and the stairs that led down to the deck below and the purser's office. The sound of music, turned very low, still came from the pool area but there was no sound of voices. Wondering if, by tomorrow morning or even within an hour, her whole life might have changed and she'd have found happiness again, Alys strode into the light—then stopped abruptly. All the passengers, except two, had gone. Titus and Gail were still there, and they were dancing in a small, cleared area. Gail had her arms up around his neck, but Titus seemed to be holding her loosely, almost casually, and they were talking. But he looked up as Alys appeared so suddenly, and their eyes met over Gail's head. Then he very deliberately lifted his hand to tilt Gail's chin—and kissed her deeply.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Alys had never been kicked in the teeth before but now she knew exactly how it felt. She recoiled, every emotion appalled by what she saw. But then pride, and the feminine instinct to save face at all costs, came to her aid. Lifting her chin, Alys laughed, the sound lifting into the air and drifting away. She saw Gail start to turn her head, but Alys quickly stepped through the door leading into the upper lounge and ran through the silent ship to her own cabin as fast as she could.

  When she got there she would have liked to bang around and throw a few things to get her anger and feeling of humiliation out of her system, but Aunt Lou was fast asleep, so that she had to creep into the bathroom to undress and then grope her way across to her bed in the dark. Her surprise at seeing Titus and Gail alone together out there had been nothing to her horrified consternation when he had kissed the other girl. But now Alys realised that the kiss had been entirely for her own benefit, and Titus probably wouldn't have done it if she hadn't appeared out of the blue. But he had certainly taken advantage of the circumstances, she thought viciously. But to what end? That question made her try to think more clearly. Was it to prove to her that he didn't care about her any more, that he was quite willing to accept any woman who threw herself at his head? And she had just been on the point of going to his cabin and as good as offering herself to him!

  My God, Alys thought in consternation, supposing I'd walked into his cabin and found him in bed with Gail! Her mind reeled at the enormity of the thought. What on earth would she have done? Turned and run, most probably. Perhaps even apologised first. For a while her spirits were really low, but then another reason for Titus's behaviour occurred to her: perhaps he had kissed Gail simply to make her jealous. That idea made her feel better—but not much. Why should he want to do that? For revenge, perhaps? That thought was unpleasant. It might mean that Titus had grown to hate her.

  The uneasiness of her thoughts kept Alys awake most of the night, and she'd had only a few hours sleep when she was awoken by the sound of the ship berthing at Rhodes at six the next morning. There was no point trying to go to sleep again; Alys looked out of the window and saw the early morning sun shining on the ramparts of the ancient walls of the city of Rhodes. Quickly she dressed and went on deck to jog and do her exercises for the next hour. The crew were busy this morning and she didn't have such a large audience, but several passengers came out to look at the town before she went below, many of them greeting her as she ran past them.

  It was difficult to ignore someone Titus's size, but Alys managed it that day, going off to do her own thing in Rhodes and managing to avoid him in the evening. Her thoughts and feelings were still hopelessly confused, and she had no wish to face Titus until she'd sorted them out.

  That night the ship sailed towards Antalya in Turkey where it was due to arrive at about seven in the morning, but Alys was up before six to take her usual morning exercise. They were sailing towards the east and the reflection of the sun, low on the water, was so bright that it dazzled her. She ran anti-clockwise round the ship as she always did, going from brightness into shade, from heat into coolness, not bothering to count the number of laps but timing herself from her watch. The crew were used to her now and she wasn't such an attraction, but the ones who were around greeted her with smiles and calls of, 'Kalimera, kyria.'

  Alys waved back but kept jogging, her fair hair tied back in a pony-tail, a glistening film of perspiration on her tanned skin. For the twentieth time she rounded the stern and ran up towards the bow, into the sun. Now she could see the coast of Turkey in the distance and glanced towards it without breaking her stride. She rounded the corner—and crashed head-on into a man coming the other way!

  'Ouch!' Alys put her hand up to her nose, which had received such a sharp blow against the man's chin that it made her eyes water. 'I'm sorry, I ‑' She managed to get her eyes open and saw that it was Titus. 'You!'

  He, of course, was perfectly all right. Dressed in running gear like herself, he was just standing there with his hands on his hips. But running into him had been like running into a solid wall.

  Remembering the last time she'd seen him, Alys took refuge in attack and said angrily, 'Why don't you look where you're going?'

  'And you were, of course?' he answered sardonically.

  'All running tracks are anti-clockwise,' Alys pointed out acidly.

  'Really? I could have sworn this was a ship, not a sports stadium.'

  She gave him a look of distaste. 'I think you've broken my nose.'

  'Well, that will give the doctor a genuine excuse to get close to you, won't it?'

  Despite the sarcasm in his tone, that remark revived Alys's spirits considerably. 'Don't tell me you're jealous.'

  'I'm not,' he responded at once, and perhaps a shade too quickly. Perhaps he realised it because Titus added, with emphasis, 'I have other things on my mind.'

  'I suppose you mean Gail—and not just on your mind from what I saw the other night.'

  'Now who sounds jealous?' Titus taunted.

  Annoyed at giving away her feelings, Alys snapped back, 'Being jealous of you and other women is hardly a new sensation.'

  Titus's face grew grim, his eyes cold. 'You had no reason to be jealous then.'

  'Do I now?'

  Immediately he looked amused and she knew she had walked into a trap. 'You might well have—but that would depend entirely on...' he paused delib
erately '... your own feelings.'

  An ambiguous answer that made Alys want to hit him, and also brought a touch of fear to her heart. But she managed to give him a falsely sweet smile, shrugged and said, 'I couldn't care less.'

  'Why mention it, then?'

  'Why mention Jack Reed?' Alys retorted.

  'Well, of course if you like having him following you around like a dog...'

  'He doesn't follow me around. As a matter of fact he ‑' Alys broke off, thinking it might be better for her own self-esteem if Titus didn't know that it was Gail whom Jack preferred. Switching to attack, she said quickly, 'And if it comes to being followed around, then what about Gail? I thought she wasn't your type.'

  Titus shrugged. 'She improves when you get to know her.'

  'Which you were doing the other night.'

  'Something like that.'

  'Well, of course, if you want to make a fool of yourself over her in front of everyone...'

  'Then what the hell has it got to do with you?' Titus said shortly.

  Alys's chin came up at that and she blinked rapidly. 'Nothing, of course.'

  'No,' Titus agreed. 'Because you forfeited any rights you had the minute you walked out on me—when you ran away from something you didn't know how to handle, instead of finding the courage to face it.'

  Not wanting to talk about the past, afraid of it, Alys said quickly, 'That works two ways. If I want a—a holiday fling, then what the hell has it got to do with you?'

  'Again, nothing—I just feel sorry for Jack Reed, that's all.'

  'And just what does that mean?' Alys demanded, bristling.

  'Because he's too human ever to come up to your expectations of an ideal, dream world, with roses all the way. And if he comes to really care for you then the poor chap's going to get hurt when you kick him out of your life. Not that you'll be hurt, of course,' Titus added sardonically. 'You're far too egotistical to feel any real emotion—and you're certainly too damn selfish to care about anyone's feelings except your own!'

  'And what about you?' Alys shot back. 'You proved that you didn't care about me when you ‑' She broke off abruptly, not wanting to get on to dangerous ground. 'Oh, what the hell does it matter now?'

  'It seems to matter to you.'

  Her chin came up and Alys gave a brittle laugh. 'I'll admit it did at first. I was stupid enough to miss you. But when you didn't even bother to come or even phone then I knew you were too darn busy with your ex-mistress to ‑'

  Titus's jaw thrust forward. 'You didn't trust or believe in me at all, did you?' he bit out. 'You didn't think I could deal with the problem of Camilla and not let it come between us. You didn't even think my love for you was strong enough to withstand something like that!'

  'Well, you certainly proved that it wasn't,' Alys retorted, hurt not only by that past, but by seeing him with Gail.

  'I was taking care of my son,' Titus answered forcefully. 'Something you would have known about if you'd bothered to listen, if you hadn't been too engrossed in your own feelings of injustice to care about anything else. OK, you had a right to be angry, even to leave, but you were so busy being indignant and hurt that you didn't give me the right to explain!'

  'You'd said all I needed to hear. You hurt me too much for me to stay. But if you'd really loved me you would have come after me.'

  Titus gave a curt laugh. 'Which is exactly what I thought about you. I hoped you'd care enough to come back, but I suppose I should have known that was too much to hope for.'

  'Why, you ‑' Pushed into fury by the unfairness of it all, Alys lifted her hand to slap him hard across the face, but Titus saw it coming a mile off and grabbed her wrist.

  They glared at each other, standing close, angry hazel eyes blazing into equally angry grey ones. But almost instantly Alys was aware of his nearness, of the muskiness of sweat on his skin and the lingering aroma of aftershave, of the strength in the hand that held her captive. A great tremor ran through her and the anger left her face as her eyes darkened. Titus made a small, surprised sound in his throat, but then they both jumped out of their skins as the ship's hooter, close above their heads, burst into sound as the ship passed another leaving the nearby port.

  Immediately Alys wrenched her hand away, said, 'Get out of my way, can't you?' and ran past him, on round the ship. But she abandoned the rest of her exercise session and took the nearest route down to the cabin.

  She found her aunt already up and dressed. 'Shall I go ahead to breakfast or would you like me to wait for you?' Louise asked.

  'Wait, please. I won't be long.'

  Her aunt gave her a searching look. 'Are you all right, Alys? You look rather upset.'

  'Do I?' Alys hesitated, then said unhappily, 'I ran into Titus on the promenade deck—literally.' She put up a hand to rub her nose. 'We—we had a row.'

  'Well, that was to be expected,' Louise answered calmly. 'When two people with emotions as raw as yours and Titus's must meet, then they're bound to rub sparks off each other.'

  'Do you think so?'

  'I'm sure of it,' the older woman said firmly. 'It's just what I expected to happen.'

  Remembering that her aunt had engineered all this, Alys couldn't help giving her an angry look. 'Well, it isn't pleasant. As a matter of fact it damn well hurts!'

  'Good!'

  'Good?' Alys stared at her disbelievingly.

  'Yes, good. You're having to confront your own feelings about Titus instead of burying them away. And once you've faced those, then perhaps you'll be ready to start living again.'

  'I have been living,' Alys said indignantly.

  'No, you haven't, Alys. Your parents have been very worried about you; they feel that you've just buried yourself away because you're afraid of being hurt again. Well, I think it's time now for you to come out of your shell and face your problems.'

  'And you thought this was the way to do it,' Alys said a little sourly.

  'I think it's the only way. Until you get over Titus you'll never be able to find true happiness and contentment with someone else.'

  Alys lifted a strained face to her aunt. 'I don't want anyone else.'

  'Then you'd better try to get Titus back.'

  'It isn't that simple. I don't know how he feels about me. I don't think he wants me back,' Alys said on a desperate note.

  'Perhaps he may not. But I'm sure that during this trip you will find out—one way or the other.'

  And that was what she was afraid of, Alys thought as she stood under the shower. For a moment she longed to be back at the school where she worked, safe among that body of women and girls, where all she had to worry about was picking the netball teams and marking exercise books. A sanctuary where she could lick her wounds—or, in Titus's eyes, a retreat into cowardice. Looking deeply inwards, Alys realised that both were right, and she saw, too, that if she wasn't very careful it could easily become a prison of her own making. Aunt Lou was right, too: she had to face up to things, not run and hide any more. But that was proving very difficult, and Alys wasn't at all sure that she could go on.

  She hadn't attended the lecture on the excursion they were to take that morning so Alys didn't know what to expect and didn't much care; she was far too busy trying to make sure that they didn't get on the same coach as Titus. This was difficult to do unobtrusively, though, when she was also taking surreptitious glances all the time to see if Titus and Gail were together.

  But she didn't notice either of them and concluded that they must already be on board one of the first buses in the waiting line. Their coach, the last in the convoy, was rickety and old. It rattled its way inland, leaving behind distant mountains and taking a long, straight and dusty road through fields where flocks of sheep and goats were tended by women in peasant dress. There were gypsies in tents made from plastic sheets, and concrete irrigation channels beside the road where cows came to drink. They had set out early, but already the day was hot and humid, the windows closed against the dust.

  They came
to their first stop, the ancient ruined town of Perge, pronounced 'per-gay', and followed the usual procedure of being met by local guides, one for each coach, who took them round. The whole town had been excavated to show a stadium, theatre, market-place, baths, fountains, and colonnaded streets that still had the original paving stones. It was impressive enough to make Alys forget about Titus for a while, but then her own group had to pass the one that Gail was in and the other girl came over.

  Taking hold of Alys's arm, Gail pulled her to one side. 'I want to talk to you.'

  'I must stay with my aunt,' Alys protested.

  'This won't take a minute.' But Gail waited until both groups were out of earshot before she said, 'Was that you on the deck the other night?'

  Taken aback by the blunt question, Alys flushed and said, 'Er—when do you mean?'

  'It was you,' Gail said with certainty, looking at her face. 'I was sure I recognised your voice. Why did you laugh?'

  Seeing that there was no point in prevaricating, Alys sighed and said, 'I often laugh when I'm Embarrassed.'

  'Embarrassed?' The idea seemed a novel one to Gail. 'It was such a coincidence,' she said on an excited note. 'That was the first time that Titus had kissed me.'