Still Into You

by Andrews, Ryleigh

  Goddamn it, Mia. Just let me in. Let me help you.

  He sat against the headboard and drew her to him. She snuggled up to him, her head on his stomach and sighed contently. It made him a touch happier that she clutched his shirt like it was some sort of life-line.

  He motioned for Allie and Marty, needing to know more about what happened. “What was Todd’s role in this?”

  “He always has the drugs or can get them for you. His network is pretty amazing.”

  “I know about Christmas Eve. Did he provide then?”

  After Marty’s initial look of shock, he answered Ethan’s question. “Yeah, that night, all three of us did ecstasy.”

  “Seriously?” Allie exclaimed, her eyes wide, not believing what she had heard. “The three of you?”

  “Hey, I haven’t since that night. Anyway, after tonight, I’m pretty sure Todd was the one providing her with them while on tour.”

  She and Marty shared a look, like they had a secret, and Ethan wondered what that was about. “You were there—you saw it too,” Allie said to Marty.

  “Fuck!” Marty exclaimed. Ethan knew that Todd was Marty’s childhood friend. They grew up together. Ethan wasn’t stupid. He knew this spelled major trouble for the band. Whatever this was.

  “What did you see?” Ethan asked, wanting to know everything.

  “No, Ethan. You don’t need to know that,” Marty replied.

  Ethan’s stomach tightened. How bad was it?

  Tomorrow when Mia awoke would be interesting. Would she remember what happened? And if she did, would she share with him? Hell, would she even want him to stay? He didn’t know her feelings toward him anymore. So many questions, but the only one who could answer them was lying unconscious on the hospital bed.

  Mia

  The instant she woke up, Mia knew that she was alone. Her head fell to the side and she opened her eyes, taking in her surroundings, realizing she was in the hospital. What the fuck did she do last night? Unfortunately, the memories hit her like a car. Her first and only overdose. She took it way too far, took way too many drugs. She hated feeling like she would die. Wanting to forget was a hell of a lot different than wanting to die. Mia realized that as she lay in the back seat of Marty’s SUV, her heart racing, her body immobilized. Then the seizure hit her and it all went black. She had never experienced that before and never wanted to ever again. It frightened the fuck out of her.

  Glancing around the room, her eyes focused on her bag resting on the bed tray. With the hand without an IV, Mia pulled the tray towards her and then grabbed her notebook out of her bag. Her feelings were all over the place and she needed to write them down. She couldn’t believe she went to Todd’s and did the drugs. Who the hell was she trying to kid? Of course she could believe it. Yesterday did not surprise her in the least. Though, she thought with a shake of her head, almost having sex with Todd—that surprised her—so did all they did leading up to that. For God’s sake, he made her come twice without sex, and they would’ve had sex if it hadn’t been for that final line of cocaine. She should’ve known better. But she hadn’t and now she was in this very embarrassing situation.

  Allie and Marty both saw her state of undress: her breasts hanging out of her shirt, her skirt pushed to her waist, exposing everything to the world. Marty thought she and Todd had sex. Allie probably thought the same.

  Only one word came to her mind thinking about all that—humiliation.

  The emotional turmoil of the previous few months caught up with her big time yesterday, and what happened in her childhood played a very important roll. It was haunting her, torturing her, weakening her, letting other events completely overwhelm her. Mia needed to get control of her emotions and how she let her past affect her. But she really didn’t know how.

  Well, no drugs. Never. Ever. Again.

  Kind of obvious, right?

  Now there was this whole overdose mess to deal with. Mia overheard Allie and Marty discussing this on and off throughout the night. Her overdose was probably all over the place. Would Ethan want her back after this? She knew how he felt about the drugs and with this turn of events, he was probably disgusted with her.

  “Fuck!” she said out loud, tossing her notebook on the tray in frustration, papers scattering out of it and onto the floor.

  “Fuck!” She rested her head in her hand, staring at the mess she made. Annoyed, she kicked the tray again and felt the jolt of pain fly up her foot.

  “Fuck!”

  “That’s a whole lot of fuck this early in the morning,” came Ethan’s voice out of nowhere. Mia whipped her head up and saw him standing in the doorway, a slight smile on his face.

  She looked upon him, memorizing what she saw, the slightly wrinkled dress shirt no longer tucked into the equally wrinkled slacks. She dreaded raising her gaze back to his face, afraid of what she’d see if she truly looked at him.

  And the moment her eyes landed on his tired face, the tears escaped her eyes, so many emotions knocking her down: disbelief, surprise, relief, joy, love . . . regret. “Oh, God. I can’t believe that you’re really here.”

  “Where else would I be, Mia?” he asked, his brows quirked in confusion. Her tears came faster at his admission. He’s here.

  “I never wanted you to see me like this. Hell, I never wanted to be here,” she said, gesturing towards herself and the hospital room. “It’s out there, isn’t it?”

  Ethan simply nodded and didn’t say a word. He didn’t need to. Mia knew what that meant. Her overdose was big news. She pressed her thumb and index finger against her eyes, wiping away more errant tears.

  He walked into the room, closing the door behind him, and headed to the stool. After sitting down, he scooted towards the bed, closer to her and close enough for her to breathe in his scent that always reminded her of home.

  “What’s going on, Mia?”

  Squeezing her eyes shut, she shook her head over and over. She didn’t want to talk about this with him. She didn’t want him a part of this whole mess. He didn’t deserve it.

  Ethan stayed silent, but he placed his hand on the bed near hers. She itched to reach out and hold on to him. Her hand had a mind of its own and almost did it but instead she curled it into a fist.

  “Mia, let me help,” he said after a few minutes of silence where the only sounds were the beeping of her heart rate monitor and her tears hitting the blanket.

  “No!” she screamed, choking on her sobs.

  “Goddamn it!” he yelled, clearly frustrated. “Stop pushing me away.”

  “I broke things off for a reason, Ethan. I don’t need your help.”

  He leveled a look at her that screamed “Are you fucking serious?” along with an exasperated puff of air. “You’re in a hospital bed due to a drug overdose. You need help.”

  The way he was acting towards her was a side she’d never seen before—he was brutally honest with her and wasn’t taking any shit from her.

  “That was a cheap shot.”

  “No, it wasn’t. It was an accurate one. Hit home, huh?”

  More than she would ever admit to him.

  Their yelling and screaming brought everyone to her room—Allie, Marty, and Clark, along with a nurse and a doctor. Mia felt her heart pound harder. It was all too much. When Ethan backed away to let the nurse and doctor check her vital signs, all Mia wanted to do was grab on to him and hold him by her side. She was scared and could really use some of his strength right then.

  As the doctor examined her, she stared off towards the doorway, avoiding Ethan and her friends. She didn’t want to see their disappointment. Every single one of them felt it, Mia was sure of it.

  The doctor looked at all the people around the room and then back to Mia. “Ms. Devereux, I’m Dr. Bryan, and I’ve been handling your care. Now that you’re awake, I’d like to discuss some things with you. Do you want an audience for this?” he asked, gesturing to where everyone huddled together by the window.

  She nodded.

/>   “I assume you know why you’re here.”

  Mia nodded again.

  “You were admitted for a drug overdose. Your blood work confirmed high levels of cocaine, ecstasy, and marijuana. Plus you had a blood alcohol level of zero point one. You were given medicine to prevent additional seizures and to treat your rapid heartbeat. You’ve also been given a saline solution treatment to prevent dehydration. Do you remember any of that?”

  Mia shook her head. She barely remembered anything after leaving Todd’s.

  “Excuse me, Dr. Bryan,” Allie interrupted. “Will she need to undergo any more treatments?

  “Physically, she appears fine. Her heart rate is back to normal, as is her temperature. We will run a few blood tests to see if the drugs are out of her system. But mentally . . . I’d like to discuss some options, mainly a stay in rehab.”

  Mia had been barely listening. She knew how she felt—like shit, but a hell of a lot better than yesterday. But the mention of rehab grabbed her attention.

  “I . . . I made a miscalculation,” she said, the fear of going to rehab making her stutter. “I didn’t intend to OD. It was a one-time thing. I don’t need any more help. Just let me out of here.”

  “Why did you take the drugs, Mia?” the doctor asked calmly.

  That was a simple question to answer, but to verbalize it in front of people she thought of as family . . . a different story entirely. But she would try because she wanted the hell out of this hospital.

  “Because my life is a mess. I was supposed to marry him this weekend,” she yelled, pointing but not looking at Ethan. “I just wanted to forget. I didn’t want to die. I’m not an addict. I’m not Marc.”

  “Mia, that’s low,” Marty hissed. Clark just stared at her in disbelief. She wanted to tell Clark she was sorry but she wasn’t. She was not an addict.

  “It’s the truth. I’m not addicted to cocaine or ecstasy. I made one mistake! I don’t need rehab.”

  “Mia—” Allie called out before Mia cut her off.

  “Noooo!” she screamed, her face crumpling into a sob.

  Ethan walked to the side of her bed and laced his fingers through hers. Her cries turned sorrowful because here he was comforting her after all of this, touching her after she broke his heart. He squeezed tightly, shifting her focus to that contact rather than her tears. After several calming breaths, he sat beside her on the bed and cocked his head so that his eyes met hers. She hadn’t expected to see understanding in them. “What do you need, suga?”

  Mia almost started crying again. Her heart blipped at his use of that term of endearment. She missed hearing it. “I don’t know,” she admitted, breathing through the tears. “But it’s not rehab,” she said, emphatically shaking her head back and forth.

  “Okay, what about therapy? Just you and a therapist talking one on one? It seems like you have some issues to work through. You could still stay at your home, live your life normally except seeing the therapist weekly or more, if that’s what the two of you determine. Could you do this?” the doctor asked.

  Silently, she thought it over. Mia knew she needed to talk to somebody about all this. But a stranger? Maybe that would be easier because she sure as hell hadn’t talked to anyone she knew about all this and look where that had gotten her. A fresh pile of losses and more pain.

  The tears quietly streamed down her cheeks as she looked at the doctor, his fatherly demeanor appealing to her, helping her to feel safe. When she finally nodded, there was an audible sigh from everyone in the room, Ethan included.

  “Okay,” the doctor nodded with a slight smile and a look over to Allie and Marty. “Okay,” he repeated with a sigh. “I’m going to have the nurse draw your blood while I go talk to a couple of therapists I know. Maybe we can get you home tonight. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

  Placing the fingertips of her free hand against her lips, Mia breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” she said quietly. The doctor left the room and a nurse entered in his place. Ethan left her side, but not before giving her hand a squeeze.

  While the nurse took vial after vial of blood, the others whispered in the corner. Mia just didn’t have the energy to care what they were talking about. She leaned her head back against the pillow after the nurse finished and left the room. That left her alone with Allie, Ethan, and her bandmates. Minus one.

  “Where’s Todd?” she asked everyone and no one in particular.

  “He left,” Clark answered, but not before looking at Marty and Allie.

  “What the fuck does that mean?” Mia couldn’t believe how belligerent she sounded. She wasn’t in the mood to play any goddamn games and just wanted the truth.

  “I went to his place to check on him before I came here. He wasn’t there, but he did leave a note saying that he needed to leave.”

  No. No. NO!

  Mia grabbed her bag from the bed tray and searched for her phone. When she found it, she cringed a little at some of the missed calls on there—her father, her grandmother, Luke, Marc, Tom.

  And one text message from Todd.

  She opened it up.

  I’m sorry, Mia.

  That’s it? That’s all he can say to her? I’m sorry?

  “No!” she yelled, holding her phone up. “Get him back. Get him here!” she begged Marty. God, she knew she looked like she was losing it, but she couldn’t lose Todd too.

  “We’ve been trying,” Marty answered her. “He hasn’t been answering his phone and he’s not at any of his normal hangouts.”

  Mia punched at Todd’s name with her finger and called him. When it went straight to voice mail, she let out a frustrated sigh as she listened to his message before leaving one of her own.

  “Goddamn it, Todd. Answer your fucking phone. I need to know you’re okay. Please. I need you. You cannot fucking leave me too.”

  After a few moments of not saying anything else, she ended the call, and just stared at her screen, waiting. Cradling the phone with both hands, she brought it to her brow, covering her face as she cried.

  A few minutes later, her phone vibrated, alerting her to a message. Mia clicked on the text and brought it up.

  I’m glad you’re okay. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you. I can barely handle what I’ve put you through already. Love you.

  She tried to call him again, but got no answer, so switching programs, she jabbed a message to him.

  Todd, answer your phone!

  No, I can’t.

  Please. I need to hear your voice :(

  Not too long after that, her phone rang, the “What You Need” ring tone by INXS filling the room. Clark and Marty stepped closer and stood at the foot of the bed. In her excitement, she dropped the phone on her lap as she scrambled to answer it.

  “Todd!” Mia yelled at the phone. There was no response except his ragged breathing. “Say something. Please!”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She wasn’t used to the torment in his normally happy voice.

  “I need you here,” she pleaded, her voice cracking, tears clouding her vision.

  “No, you don’t. You need me far away from you. Look what I did to you. You almost died!”

  “You did not do this to me, Todd. You aren’t to blame. This is all me. Okay? So, please be here with me. Don’t go away. Don’t leave me,” she begged, sobbing hard now.

  “Mia . . .”

  “No!” she yelled at him, hearing his answer in the saying of her name. Marty took the phone from her.

  “Todd. Don’t hang up. Talk to me,” Marty began. Mia wished she could hear what Todd was saying to Marty.

  “I know, buddy . . . . . . You don’t have to do this . . . . . . You tell her.”

  Mia heard Marty’s words and felt her heart stop. Todd wasn’t coming. Marty’s look of pity confirmed it. Reluctantly she took the phone back from him and put it to her ear, feeling the numbness taking over.

  Taking a deep breath, she quietly spoke his name.

 
“You have a second chance now, Mia. Do something about it. Stop hiding behind the drugs and alcohol.”

  “I know. I know. I will. But why do you have to leave?”

  “I’ve got my own things I’ve been hiding from, baby girl.”

  “Are you okay?”

  Mia heard his deep breath. “No, but I will be. And so will you. Take care of yourself, okay?”

  She blew out a quick breath. “Okay. Come back soon, please?”

  “I will. You know I love you, right?”

  “I do. I love you, too.”

  “Bye, Mia.”

  “Bye, Todd.”

  She stayed on the phone until she heard the tone then looked up at Marty. “What are we going to do?”

  “We’ll figure it out,” Allie answered.

  “I’m so sorry, guys. This—”

  “Don’t apologize. What Todd’s dealing with is not about this, okay? And we don’t have to worry about that now. One step at a time, okay?” Marty said. “First step, getting you released and out of this hospital.”

  “Working on that,” Allie spoke, her eyes focused on her phone.

  Mia kept her focus on the blanket covering her legs. She didn’t want to look up. Ethan was still in the room, even though she hadn’t let her eyes fall on him since the doctor left. She didn’t want to see the pity she knew was in his eyes, the embarrassment that he probably felt because his name was probably being mentioned with hers. What she wanted to see in them was the love he used to feel for her before she messed it all up.

  Allie pulled Marty and Clark into a corner, discussing options to get her out of the hospital. A movement by the window caused her to look that way and her eyes landed on Ethan. And what she saw surprised her—he understood. A small smile broke the surface of his face and she couldn’t help but return it. He rose from his spot on the window ledge and made his way towards her. He motioned towards the bed and she nodded, knowing what he meant and knowing she should push boundaries with him, but she desperately needed his closeness.

  The bed squeaked softly as he sat down by her knee. She inhaled sharply when he placed his strong hand on her leg, just above her knee, the heat from him spreading from where he touched her and through her body.