Still Into You

by Andrews, Ryleigh

  He didn’t speak, just held her gaze and her leg, infusing his strength into her. Closing her eyes, Mia absorbed it. She couldn’t believe he was actually here. She broke off their engagement. She broke his heart. She messed up big time, but he was beside her right now and she didn’t know what to make of it.

  She opened her eyes with a start when his hand twitched on her leg. Her gaze fell to him but he wasn’t looking at her but at the doctor who had come into the room. Her eyes darted back to Ethan.

  “Mia,” the doctor said, his tone drawing her gaze to him, so authoritative.

  “Yes?”

  “Tests came back fine. Here’s the name of the therapist. She’s one of the most respected psychologists in the country. She sees lots of people in the public eye. You’ll be safe there. I set up your first appointment for Monday. Yes, it’s a holiday but she wants to see you right away.”

  “Does that mean I’m free to go?” she asked, cutting to the chase.

  “Yes,” he sighed. “Here’s the info for the appointment with the psychologist as well as your follow-up appointment with me for next week.”

  He tried to hand the papers to Mia but she couldn’t take them, didn’t want them. She just wanted to get home. Her next step.

  Eventually, Allie took them from him with an added, “I’ll make sure she goes,” and proceeded to put the papers in her bag.

  “The nurse will be by in a few minutes with your release paperwork, then you’ll be free to leave.”

  “Thank you,” Mia managed to say before the doctor turned and exited the room.

  “Okay, Mia, let’s get you ready to go,” Allie said, throwing a change of clothes on the bed. Where the hell did those come from, Mia wondered, staring at her favorite running clothes, especially the hoodie she liked to wear to obscure her face. She knew what was expected of her—to run from this. Mia could do that. She excelled at it.

  Ethan

  Everyone piled into Marty’s large SUV, skirting the press, on the way to Mia’s brownstone. Marty and Clark sat in the front; Allie and Ethan surrounded Mia. She had her hoodie up, hiding her gorgeous face. Allie buckled Mia in when she made no attempt to do so. When Allie locked eyes with Ethan, all he saw was concern.

  Ethan sat back as Marty sped off. He had to try to wrap his mind around this. He had no idea what to do. He felt apprehensive about going to her place and had debated about just leaving from the hospital—his business was still waiting for him in New York—but he just couldn’t. He needed to see her safe at home. He needed to actually talk to her.

  No.

  He needed her better.

  He needed her with him.

  Mia wasn’t ready for that yet. She still needed that space to process all of this in order to make her way back to him. He hated thinking that, hated this gamble he was making stepping away from her right now, so soon after her overdose.

  He knew she would hate him leaving her. He prayed that she wouldn’t turn to alcohol and drugs again. That it was even a possibility terrified him because he knew if she did, she’d be lost for good. He had to have faith that she was stronger than she appeared, that she’d work through her issues and make it back to him. But he could only stand this pain of not being with her if she were alive. After last night, the fear of losing her multiplied exponentially.

  Ethan needed her to talk to that therapist and figure things out. There was so much she wasn’t saying. The anger and pain radiated from her—pain he never knew she had, pain she must have hidden deep down inside of her.

  He turned his head to regard Mia, her posture one of defeat. With her hands in the front pocket of the hoodie, Mia hunched over. The silent tears she shed, the ones he saw land on her lap, broke his heart.

  Why did she never talk to him about any of this? Mia had said she wanted to but a panic attack had enveloped her. That attack scared him. Ethan remembered screaming her name at his phone, the helplessness he felt listening to her ragged, gutted breathing. He felt the same helplessness now. Whatever was torturing her had such a grip on her that it was now crippling her.

  God, he didn’t want to let her go again. The thought physically hurt him, but by the looks of his suga, it was nothing close to what she was going through.

  The moment Ethan walked into her home, all the changes assaulted him. The new furniture made it feel like a different place. It was no longer the place he remembered and he didn’t know what to think about that.

  It had been almost nine months since he’d last stepped foot in her house. They’d been happy then. So in love. Who was he kidding? He was still in love with her. Why else was he here?

  Sandwiched between Marty and Clark, Mia headed straight for the family room off the kitchen. Allie took charge and went to get Mia something to drink. Mia settled in her usual spot on the sofa, her legs curled beneath her, looking so very vulnerable. He wanted to go to her but he held back and it was because of that hesitation that he heard Allie’s hissed curse. Turning her way, he froze at the sight in the fridge. Holy fucking shit! Big bottles of hard liquor in varying states of emptiness. There were even some fallen empties on the shelves. Missing from her fridge was food. So unlike her. There was nothing in that fridge besides drinks.

  Allie looked up at him with a silent plea.

  “Get rid of them. All of it and check the house for others. Oh, one more thing. Did you confirm my limo?”

  With a sad smile on her face, she nodded, grabbing a bottle of water and handing it to him. With a word of thanks, Ethan turned around and headed back to the family room. He took the three steps down and crossed the short distance and stood in front of Mia, bottle of water in his hand, offering it to her.

  Her head rested against the back of the sofa, her beautiful eyes hidden beneath the darkened lids, looking so lost and vulnerable. How the hell did this happen? How did it ever get to this point? She did this so she could forget. That thought scared the hell out of him. This Mia . . . she was a stranger to him. A ghost of the woman he used to know.

  Without opening her eyes, Mia reached for the water. He placed it in her outstretched hand, holding his hand there, closing his own as her soft fingers touched his, curling around them before giving them a slight squeeze. He moved his fingers out from under hers and put them on top, his thumb lightly caressing hers. At that touch, her eyes opened and he saw a brief flash of desire until she pushed it away. She quickly brought the bottle close to her chest, uncapped it, and drank deeply.

  Seating was limited in the room. The only spot available next to Mia. Both Clark and Marty were sprawled out in the chairs, asleep, exhausted from this ordeal. To be honest, Ethan felt drained too. Taking the seat next to her, he was struck by the fact that despite being in the hospital, Mia still smelled like he remembered—sweet honey. The urge to pull her in his arms was great. He wanted her there so he could keep her safe, to know that she was alive.

  His eyes wanted to close but he wouldn’t let them and miss this chance to be with Mia. Training his gaze on her, it wasn’t hard to notice the waves of discomfort rolling off her. She sat stick still. She’d shown him in the hospital and right now her drawn-in posture showed him it was the case. She didn’t want him here.

  Fuck, that hurt to admit.

  Intellectually he knew it stemmed from her embarrassment about the situation. She made a huge mistake and the entire world now knew. The woman who held her privacy tightly to her chest now had her life under a microscope. Her struggles would now be gossip-page fodder, more so now than ever before. The press would be all over her about this. And with the way Allie had basically had her phone attached to her ear while at the hospital, Mia and her team had their work cut out for them.

  Glancing over at Allie, he saw that she was on the phone yet again. Not only did she have to deal with the fallout of Mia’s overdose, but also Todd’s disappearance. What had happened between the two of them to cause Todd to bolt like this? Listening to Mia talk to Todd on the phone earlier had been difficult. She had been so
emotional, heartbroken even. Hearing her say she loved Todd smarted, even though it was just platonic love. That’s all it was, right?

  He thought back to St. Paul when he found Mia with Todd, the easiness between them, the look on Todd’s face when he leaned in to kiss her like he’d been waiting for that his whole life. Ethan knew that look well. He had it every single time he laid his eyes on her. She was the one. The moment Luke showed him a picture of her, all smiles, before he actually met her, Ethan knew that she would be someone special in his life. Then he actually met her, spoke to her, got to know her, and he was lost.

  She had, unbeknownst to her, captured his heart for life. This situation complete proof of that fact. Despite breaking things off, despite not talking to him in months, despite breaking his heart, Ethan was here right beside her. He always would be because what he had with her, felt with her, he didn’t want with anyone else. Just her.

  They sat in silence for a bit before she set her bottle on the coffee table in front of her. He watched her lean body pivot towards him, moving her legs to cross them in front of her, facing him. It struck him how frail she looked now and made him wonder whether her diet lately consisted of more than the liquor in her fridge.

  “Ethan . . .”

  He hadn’t heard her say his name since the time they spoke in March. No one said his name the way she did, the way the breathiness of her voice pulled at his heart.

  His gaze rose from her legs to her face. The torment he saw, he didn’t want to see anymore. He wanted to erase the pain from her eyes.

  Cupping her face with one hand, his thumb caressed her cheek. She leaned into his hand, exhaling softly, her eyelids shuttering closed. Mia opened her mouth to speak but he silenced her.

  “Shh. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

  “Yes, I do,” she said, her eyes still closed. His thumb traced the delicate shape of her jaw, reveling in the softness of her skin.

  Damn it! He missed her so much. Ethan wanted so much more than what they currently had. What he wouldn’t give to have her lips on his, but he’d do whatever it took to get her better.

  “Tell me then. How did this happen?”

  Her eyes opened and held his for a moment. He watched them move like a clock as she thought about her words. “I didn’t intend to go to Todd’s. I just didn’t want to go back to the studio nor did I want to go home. I was just going to my friend’s house to hang out. He and I . . . we always had fun together. I really needed that,” she paused and he did everything in his power not to react to the mention of Todd’s name. He had to focus on the tortured woman in front of him. She took a deep breath, collecting herself before proceeding. “When we got to his loft, the cocaine was already out on the table. Nothing else had been working, so when he offered, I did it. I really didn’t think too much on it. I just wanted the escape it would bring. A little later we did ecstasy,” she stopped and what happened in that loft played across her face. He knew she was remembering what went on between her and Todd, but wasn’t going to tell him.

  She swallowed and took a deep breath before continuing. “We, uh, shared a joint. After that, I started to feel weird, like low, so I . . . um . . . took another line of coke. The moment I did it, I knew I had just made a huge mistake. That’s why I texted Marty. I was losing my grip on reality fast. My heart was pounding harder than I’d ever felt it. My hearing and vision were fucked. I was fucked,” she told him, her pinched fingers tapping at her chest.

  He could see the fear of what that meant on her face—that she could have died. Her face crumbled, pulling sobs from this broken woman before him.

  “Shh . . . you’re here, suga. You can fix this—whatever it is that is bothering you. Then—”

  The loud ring of his phone interrupted his speech. He knew the ring tone—Luke. Mia tensed under his hand. Guess she knew who it was too. So he answered it. He gave Mia a small smile of apology before putting the phone up to his ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Are you with her?” Luke’s voice blared into his ear.

  “Yes.”

  “Let me talk to her. Please. I need to know she’s okay.”

  Ethan turned his focus back to Mia. She was steeling herself for this conversation with her best friend by taking some deep breaths for strength. “Mia, it’s for you.”

  “Luke?” she asked, her voice a whisper. She fought to keep her composure, the effort hard. Her chin quivered, her teeth gnawing on the inside of her bottom lip. After a long moment to gather herself, she took the phone from him. She didn’t relax, her posture was rigid as she listened to Luke.

  “I’m okay . . . I made a mistake. A huge miscalculation.”

  With the phone to her ear, her other hand covering her eyes, Mia leaned forward and rested her head against his chest. Instead of reacting to the surprise he felt, Ethan did what came naturally and wrapped her slim frame in his arms. He tightened his hold when a muffled sob escaped her. He heard Luke talk to her, his voice steady, soothing her from afar. And with his arms around her, Ethan hoped he gave her even more comfort.

  “Mia, I’ll come up if you want me to . . .” Luke said.

  “No.”

  “Mia.”

  “I can’t have you see me like this.”

  “Why not? You’re my best friend. I want to be there for you.”

  “I need to be able to look you in the eye after this. It’s bad enough that you know.”

  “I want you to talk to me. Stop hiding from me. You’ve barely spoken to me since I surprised you in April. I’ll always be here for you. Know that, okay?”

  “I do. I’ve just been lost.”

  From the pain he still heard in her voice and the hot tears falling onto his chest, Ethan had a feeling Mia was still lost.

  “Oh, sweets! Who’s there with you?”

  “Uh,” she started, wiping away the tears. “Clark and Marty. Allie and Ethan. Monday I have an appointment with a therapist.”

  “Good,” Luke said, echoing Ethan’s thoughts. Getting her to a therapist was a victory, albeit a small one. At least she’d be getting help.

  How he wished it could be him helping her. But this was beyond him. Something from her past had dug itself deep and wasn’t letting go. She didn’t know what to do. She was spiraling out of control and needed guidance.

  “Yeah,” she said hesitantly.

  “It will be, Mia. Talk. Cry. Do what you need to when you see her. Get this out of you so you can find my best friend. She’s missed . . . and not just by me.”

  “How is Kaitlyn? Does, um . . . does she know?”

  “She knows you were in the hospital. I’ve downplayed why.”

  Mia cried harder, her voice broken as she tried to speak, like the words she wanted to say were knives in her throat. “I’ll understand if you don’t want me to see her anymore.”

  Oh, Mia, Ethan thought. How that thought must have been eating away at her.

  “Mia—no. That’s not happening. You will continue to be a huge part in her life. Okay?”

  “Mm-hmm,” she answered, clutching at Ethan’s shirt. He rubbed her back, hoping to comfort her because if this conversation was hurting him, it was ten times worse for Mia.

  “I love you,” Luke continued. “Kaitlyn loves you. You are our family and we are here for you. Whenever that may be.”

  “I love you, too.”

  “I’m going to let you go now. Promise to call me next week.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  “Bye, sweets.”

  “Bye, Luke.”

  She slipped the phone from her ear and ended the call. The phone fell to her lap and now with her other hand free she snaked it around his neck and sought her comfort. He used that opportunity to pull her onto his lap all the way and breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t resist. Months he had wanted to hold her like this again, feel her body against his. She rested her cheek against his collarbone, her nose in his throat.

  “Thank you for being here. I didn�
��t say that earlier. I was a bitch, but I need you to know after everything, I’m glad, so very glad that you are here,” she sniffed. “God, Ethan. I’m so sorry.”

  He hugged her tighter. “Talk to me, Mia. Whatever you want.”

  “I’ve missed you,” she said, her breath hot against his neck.

  “I’ve missed you, too,” Ethan admitted. He had wondered if she had during these few months apart.

  She pulled back just enough to look up at him, a small smile flirted with her mouth. “You did?”

  “Yes—”

  “Ethan, your limo is here,” Allie called from the kitchen.

  Shit! He completely forgot about the fucking thing.

  “Wait! You’re leaving?” Mia exclaimed from his lap, her grip on his shirt tightening.

  “Tell the driver I’ll be there in ten minutes,” he called to Allie before turning to face Mia. Her dark, stormy eyes bespoke her fear. He hated that he had to leave her.

  “Ethan?”

  He regarded her sad face, her cheeks tear-stained, lips puffy, standing out against her pale skin. Cupping her face, he did what he dreamed of so often these past few months—he kissed her. He gently touched her lips with his, increasing the pressure when her lips thankfully moved against his, her soft breath hitting his mouth. Knowing she wanted this kiss too had him pulling her closer, her body flush against his so that he could feel her strong heartbeat that proved she was alive.

  Ethan broke the kiss but not before placing a soft peck on each corner of her mouth, the tip of her nose, her closed eyelids, and finally stopping with her forehead where he held his lips upon her soft skin, breathing her in, one last time.

  “I’ve got to go back to New York. I left a huge mess there,” he said as he held her to his chest.

  “That’s a bunch of shit! Why are you leaving me? Why are you walking away?” she cried out.

  Why couldn’t she have just believed him and accepted what he said? Why did she have to be so damn insightful?