Secret Agent Mummy

by Steve Cole

  “You mean we’ve fallen down into somebody’s grave? Ugh!” Niall grimaced. “The sooner I sort out Mumbum’s power-boost, the better.”

  Mumbum woofed, and a little green light on his casing blinked on. In the eerie glow, Niall could see that they had landed in a large chamber; it was empty except for a round black boulder in the middle.

  “Doesn’t look much like a tomb,” he said as he got to work rewiring.

  Sam looked about. “Perhaps this grave was robbed.”

  “Oh, yes – speaking of robbing, why did you steal the golden asp on live TV?”

  “I told you, my young friend – I had no choice. I was following the orders of Queen Cleopatra herself! As a young mummy, I helped to guard her, back when I was just a few hundred years old.”

  “You actually knew Cleopatra?” Niall was impressed. “At school, we learned that she was an amazing ruler. Spoke loads of languages, fought the Roman Empire and stuff. Was she one of your lot from Ka-Ba?”

  “No, Queen Cleopatra was human.” Sam sighed. “The most royal and majestical human person I have ever seen. I remember her ordering me around like it was yesterday. Once she said, ‘You! Mummy! Wash your dirty bandages before you serve me figs!’ Another time, she said, ‘Hey, mummy! Fan me with that big leaf!’ And once she said, ‘Mummy, wipe my—’”

  “No!” Niall shook his head as he unplugged some wires. “I meant, her orders about that asp thing!”

  “This asp was her most precious possession,” Sam revealed. “She did not let it out of her sight. All Secret Agent Mummies were told that if the golden asp was ever taken from her – whether in life or in death – we must recover it at once, whatever the risk.” He shrugged. “I was watching the human news this morning, I saw the asp, and, boom! I left curved away.”

  “Straight away.” Niall smiled as, with a high-pitched bleep, Mumbum’s systems restarted and his casing began to glow blue. “There! I’ve got him working again! Should be just enough power for a lift home.”

  “Blessed be your clever fingers, Niall!” Sam clapped his bandaged hands together. “Mumbum was wise indeed to fetch you here. Now, let us take the asp to the Pyra-Base for safekeeping, as Queen Cleopatra would desire.”

  Niall nodded. “If she hadn’t died over two thousand years ago, I’m sure she’d be very grateful.”

  Mumbum woofed and shone silver. Niall’s stomach turned as the cave began to spin and blur. I won’t be sorry to leave these creepy catacombs behind, he thought.

  But as the glow faded and the tomb was left in darkness once again, the big boulder began to rock. It shook more and more violently, until finally it split open like some ancient, alien egg.

  Two green, grunting things burst out from inside. Large and lizard-like, they grew bigger and slimier with every hissing breath. Soon they were as big as a bus stop – scaly tails twitching, scary jaws snapping, orange eyes agleam.

  The creatures sniffed. The smell of magic had woken them. They knew what they had to do.

  Follow the trail!

  Chapter Four

  Mystery of the Asp

  “Whoa!” Niall staggered forward and fell to his knees as he, Sam and Mumbum reappeared in the grand sandstone hallway of the Pyra-Base.

  “Right on target!” Sam beamed.

  The Pyra-Base was Sam’s secret den. Although it stood in the garden of the house next door to Niall, magic hid it from human eyes – the same “know-no-magic” magic that made Sam look like an ordinary, unbandaged person to the outside world (at least, until he opened his mouth).

  Sam did a sand dance from the hall into the operations room, an Ancient Egyptian high-tech control centre. Lit by candle-light, the blue and gold walls were smothered with maps, charts and triangular TV screens. Four large jars, each with a lid shaped like the head of an animal, sat in alcoves. A large triangular table stood in the centre, with upturned pyramids for stools.

  And in the middle of the table, cuddling a fish, sat a scrawny white cat dressed in tatty gold bandages and a tiara.

  Sam cleared his throat. “Greetings, Great Mew!”

  “AARGH!” The cat leaped away from the fish, slipped off the edge of the table, and crashed to the floor. “Mee-OWWWWWW! How dare you disturb Great Mew, most favoured of Bastet, the cat goddess? I was just . . . er . . . I was . . .”

  “Hugging a dead haddock?” Niall suggested.

  “What? Rubbish!” Mew blustered, arching her back crossly. “I was, er . . . inspecting the haddock to check it was fresh! This mummy worships me so badly, I never know what rotten offerings I may receive.”

  “Forgive me, Great Mew,” said Sam, bowing low.

  Niall rolled his eyes. Like Sam and Mumbum, Mew had come to Earth from Ka-Ba – but while she was undoubtedly wise, she was also a royal pain in the butt who expected constant praise and worship from all around her.

  “Don’t say sorry to Mew, Sam,” Niall told him. “You stayed behind on Earth to risk your life catching criminals from Ka-Ba. She only stayed here because she loves fish so much!”

  “Woof!” agreed Mumbum.

  “Silence, pooch!” Mew’s beady eyes narrowed at Niall. “I’ll have you know, child, that this mummy would have got nowhere in his quest without my expert guidance.”

  “Expert guidance? He’s only caught one bad guy in the last three thousand years!” Niall protested.

  “Please – do not argue at such a joyous time!” Sam produced the golden asp. “Behold! The greatest treasure of Queen Cleopatra – blessed be her fine name!”

  “Oh. You retrieved that old relic, did you?” Mew looked sniffily at the statue as Sam set it down beside her. “Well, I suppose it will look nice on the mantelpiece.”

  Mumbum woofed wearily, and flopped down beside the table.

  “His power runs low.” Sam picked up the robo-dog. “Come to your kennel, boy. I shall set you recharging. I shall replenish my own powers too, with some super-juice made from figs, dates, barley and bark from the poopiloop tree.”

  Niall grimaced. “I think I’ll stick to a glass of water.”

  “Huh!” Mew sniffed. “And I suppose this fish is going to cook itself, is it?”

  Sam bowed. “I will soon return.”

  Once the mummy had left with Mumbum, Niall fixed himself a drink, then picked up the asp. The thing was beautifully made, its golden sides studded with jewels that glittered in the flickering light.

  Niall remembered his nightmare about Cleopatra, and shivered. “Mew . . .” he began awkwardly. “These special powers I have now . . . they couldn’t affect my dreams, could they?”

  “Of course they could!” Mew looked serious. “The relic you touched belonged to the seers of Thoth – they who see through the world of illusion to discover what others may not. Why do you ask?”

  “Well, I kind of had a dream about Cleopatra.” Niall sighed. “But dreams can’t tell the future, can they? That sort of thing only happens in old stories.”

  “In Ancient Egypt, people believed that dreams contained messages from the gods and used them to predict the future.” The scrawny cat sounded grave. “Tell me exactly what you saw.”

  Niall described his dream. “I saw Cleopatra’s face in the sky above a desert, then felt something slithering up behind me . . . and I saw lots of suns in the sky.”

  “I see.” Mew nodded. “Well, I’m afraid this dream can only mean one thing . . .”

  Niall gulped. “What?”

  “A terrible disaster will befall the world . . . unless you bring me a nice piece of fish tomorrow!”

  “Oh, Mew!” Niall groaned.

  “It’s true!” Mew protested, not very convincingly. “The thing you couldn’t see slithering up behind you was obviously a fillet of cod—”

  “I’m out of here. Mum will be wondering where I am.” Niall put the golden asp down on the table and turned to go. “Say seeya to Sam for me.”

  “How dare you leave before I’ve dismissed you!” Mew spluttered. “Stop! Police! Fis
h! MIAAOOWWWWW!”

  But Niall had already left. He paused in the hallway for a moment as a feeling of dizziness came over him.

  Looking down, he saw that the golden asp was back in his hand.

  “Huh?” Niall quickly placed it on the ground. “That was weird . . .” He headed out of the Pyra-Base, down to the bottom of his neighbours’ garden, scrambled over the fence and into his own garden, then jogged up to the back door.

  As he opened it, once again he found the golden asp in his hand.

  Niall suddenly felt afraid. “What is this thing?” He hurled the golden asp over the fence and into next door’s garden. It landed with a distant thump.

  I don’t care how valuable you are, he thought. Stay there!

  With a shiver, Niall crept in through the kitchen – tripped over something, and crashed to the floor. “Whoa!” he yelped.

  There, gleaming impossibly on the tiles, was the golden asp.

  He backed away from the figurine – as Ellie the Snitch came in.

  “Mum’s been looking for you, Niall!” She smirked. “You’re in big trouble, spilling that cereal and then sneaking off without telling . . . Hey, what’s this?”

  Before Niall could open his mouth to reply, the Snitch bent down and snatched up the golden asp. “Where’d you get this? You stole it, didn’t you?”

  Suddenly, the golden figurine wriggled in her grasp – like it was alive!

  “Drop it, Ellie!” Niall shouted.

  Too late. The asp’s golden jaws opened wide – and it sank its miniature fangs into the Snitch’s arm!

  Chapter Five

  Cleopatra Coming Atcha

  With an ear-splitting shriek, the Snitch dropped the figurine – and fainted. Niall tried to catch her but couldn’t support her weight. “Oof!” he gasped as the two of them fell to the floor. To his relief, he found that his sister was still breathing normally. There were only the faintest of red pinpricks on her arm where the asp’s teeth had broken the skin.

  The creature on the floor just looked like a figurine again. Warily, Niall crawled closer – and saw that its fangs were actually two golden needles.

  With a shudder, he grabbed it, crawled quickly over to the door and threw the golden statue outside. No way was it simply a work of art . . . so what was it?

  We need to talk, Sam. Niall was about to race back to the Pyra-base, when a groan from the stirring Snitch made him turn round. “Ellie?” She seemed half asleep. “Come on, Ellie, don’t be even more annoying than you already are – wake up! Be OK! Please!”

  He was just dragging her to her feet when Mum charged into the kitchen. In desperation, he clutched his sister close to keep her upright.

  “What was that scream I heard—?” Mum went pale and stared in shock. “Niall . . . are you . . . HUGGING your sister?”

  Niall tried to smile through gritted teeth. “I, uh, just told Ellie I’m sorry for being . . . such a bad brother.”

  “So that’s why Ellie screamed – it was the shock of you being kind to her. Well, good for you, Niall.” Looking freaked out, Mum backed into the hall. “I’ll, um, leave you two to enjoy your moment . . .”

  Once she had gone back upstairs, Niall dropped the mumbling, out-of-it Ellie again. Then he froze . . .

  Somehow the golden asp was back on the kitchen floor. As Niall watched, it started to shake – as if something was trapped inside and struggling to get out. With a sharp hiss, a cloud of twinkling white smoke escaped the golden jaws. Niall cowered against the door. A ghostly figure began to shimmer in the haze . . . a beautiful woman wearing a white dress with braided black hair.

  Niall gulped as the ghost grew solid. It was the same woman he’d seen in his dream!

  The woman stepped elegantly out of the sparkling smoke. Niall stared at the blue and gold headdress, the golden sash that stretched from right hip to shoulder, the yellow leather shoes and the coal-black smudge of make-up about her glittering eyes.

  “You . . .” Niall’s voice was that of a mouse who’d just sucked the air from a helium balloon. “You’re C-C-Cleopatra . . . for real!”

  “Do not be afraid, child.” The woman looked around. “Where am I? What strange hovel is this?”

  “It’s my house. You were in Egypt, but now you’re, um, a long way away.” Niall cleared his throat awkwardly. “Look, there’s a Secret Agent Mummy next door—”

  Cleopatra pointed at him suddenly. “You must address me with a little respect. Kneel!”

  “Er . . . it’s Niall, actually. But you were close.”

  “Foolish child!” she cried. “I mean, kneel down before great Queen Cleopatra!”

  “Don’t shout – my mum’s upstairs!” With a sigh, Niall dropped to his knees. “Please, Queen Cleopatra, how can you be alive after two thousand years inside a golden asp? And why did it bite my sister?”

  “Your sister is unharmed and will soon recover.” Cleopatra picked up the little statue and smiled. “This is my ASP – short for Auto-Salvation Program. It turned my body to dust and stored it safely for centuries. Now, at last, a few drops of female life-force have brought me back to true existence.”

  Niall tried to get his head round the idea. “You mean . . . your body was like a Pot Noodle, and Ellie was like the hot water that makes it ready to serve?”

  “YOU COMPARE ME TO NOODLES IN A POT, CHILD?” Cleopatra did not look happy. “I, CLEOPATRA THE SEVENTH, MOST NOBLE QUEEN ON EARTH?”

  Suddenly, the back door to the garden was thrown open and a bundle of bandages burst in. “Niall, the asp— OOOOPS!” Sam tripped over Niall and went flying – crashing straight into Cleopatra! With a yelp she fell down and Sam landed on top of her.

  “Your royal queenness!” Sam’s bandaged jaw quivered. “It is you! You live – in a not-dead way! Blessed be your majestical livingness—”

  “GET YOUR BANDAGED BOTTOM OFF ME!” Cleopatra bellowed.

  “Forgive me, O Queen.” Sam helped her up and bowed so low he banged his head on the floor. “It was I who retrieved your splendid asp. When I found it gone from my Pyra-Base, I was panic-stricken.”

  “How does it move by itself?” asked Niall.

  “When the ASP was taken from my tomb, it switched itself on and began to charge,” Cleopatra explained. “When it was ready, it homed in on the nearest human female and used her energy to bring me back to life!”

  “Unlucky, Snitch,” Niall muttered.

  “Silence, boy. I have done your sister a great honour.” Cleopatra looked around sniffily. “Now, I do not care for this strange future house. Mummy, take me to your pyramid at once.”

  “Of course, my queen!” Sam pulled down a bandage to reveal a ruby in his ribcage, which he pressed. “Excuse me, Niall! I must attend to her royal living pharaoh-ness . . .” A crimson light shone out from its depths. The glow engulfed both Sam and Cleopatra . . .

  Then they disappeared.

  “Thanks for popping in.” Niall sighed. Then he noticed the ASP on the floor. Cleopatra must’ve dropped it when she fell . . .

  He stuffed the weird device up his pyjama top as Mum came back into the kitchen – and the Snitch sat bolt upright and screamed. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! There was a snake! I saw it! SNAAAAKE!”

  “Ellie, what’s got into you?” Mum said crossly. “Get up off the floor and go to your room.”

  The Snitch stared at Mum, horrified. “You . . . you’re telling ME off instead of Niall?”

  “Yeah, stop being so noisy the whole time, Snitch!” Niall winked at her. “I’m off to play outside. Bye!” He ducked out through the open kitchen door before Mum could stop him. He headed back to the bottom of the garden, where he could climb over the fence unseen.

  He looked down at the ASP. Annoying as she was, he was glad the Snitch was OK again, but he still had a lot of questions for this long-dead queen, who’d first popped into his dreams and had now popped back to life. No way was he being left out of things over at the Pyra-Base!

  For a moment, as h
e shinned over the fence, he had a strange feeling of being watched. But there was no sign of Mum or Ellie, so he shrugged it off and marched off on to join Sam.

  He didn’t see the two huge, green, slimy figures rear up from behind the garden shed, watching him go with glowing orange eyes . . .

  Chapter Six

  Queen of Mean

  Niall entered the Pyra-Base operations room and frowned. There was Cleopatra, reclining on the sphinx-shaped sofa, watching the triangular TV. She showed no surprise at the sight of such technology – but who knew what wonders from Ka-Ba she’d already seen.

  While she watched Romans battling on the telly, Sam wafted a fan made of palm leaves in front of her face, while Mew – the supposedly Great Mew – was feeding her grapes like a servant. The cat did not look happy about it.

  But it was Cleopatra who captured Niall’s attention. I’m looking at the last ever Egyptian pharaoh in the flesh! He shook his head. If only I’d met her when we did that test on Ancient Egypt at school – I could’ve got top marks!

  “Excellent fanning, Mummy!” Cleopatra smiled at Sam, who blushed through his bandages. “However, cat – kindly feed me only the firmest grapes. That last one was a little squishy.”

  Mew narrowed her eyes. “I’m so sorry. Brought up as I was by Bastet the cat goddess, and even with all the incredible wisdom I have gathered over the centuries, I must have somehow overlooked Grape Studies.”

  “Er . . .” Niall gave an embarrassed bow as he came in. “Excuse me?”

  “Niall!” Sam looked alarmed. “You must not disturb Queen Cleopatra while she watches the Time TV!”

  Niall frowned as the battling Romans faded from the screen. “The Time TV?”

  “It shows pictures from the past.” Cleopatra yawned. “I want to know how the Earth has progressed while I’ve been asleep.”

  Not the first thing I’d do if I’d been stuck in a golden snake for two thousand years, thought Niall. “Well, I’m sorry to interrupt.” He held up the ASP. “You left this behind.”