I Don't Want to Lose You

by Loreen James-Fisher

  I smiled at him and nodded then turned my attention to my family.

  My mother’s face had softened before she spoke. “Dad, do you have anything you want to ask or anything you want to say?” she asked my father.

  He cleared his throat and put a stern look on his face that quickly changed to happiness. “I’m going to be a granddad.” He started to dance in his chair.

  Phaedra leeringly said, “I guess congratulations are in order.”

  My mother sighed. “Congratulations. I hope you two know what you’re doing.” She got up. “I have to check on my chicken lasagna. Are you staying for dinner?”

  We stayed for dinner and a game of Scrabble. The only one who occasionally mentioned the baby for the rest of our visit was my father to do his “I’m going to be a granddad” song and dance in his chair.

  When we got in the car, I asked him, “So how do you think that went?”

  “I couldn’t have asked for it to go any better,” he answered me. I liked how you spoke in there.”

  “I’d better be good if I’m going to keep being a politician’s wife.”

  He gave a grin that quickly faded. “Now we have to deal with her. And my dad.” He gave a deep sigh as his head fell.

  “Do you think there’s a way we can avoid having the talk tonight? I’m tired.”

  He stared off into the night. “I don’t know, babe. I’m sure my father already knows so I won’t have to break any news to him, but-”

  I parked the car in front of the house where his father was sitting in one of the two chairs on the front porch drinking a beer. “I don’t think he’s there waiting for me,” I said.

  “He’s not.”

  “I’m scared to know what’s waiting for me behind the door,” I stated with thoughts of his mother holding a wrought iron skillet or a bat just waiting for my arrival.

  We got out of the car and walked up to the house.

  “You finally made it home,” said Mr. Cabrera. “I thought you two might have run off to do something else, but what else is there for you to do now?” He took a swig of his beer. “Monica, do you mind if I have a talk with your husband?”

  “No, not at all,” I answered, appreciative that he didn’t want to speak to us both.

  “Dad, she’s not feeling so well right now. I’m going to get her settled and I’ll be right back,” said Theo.

  He held my hand and walked me to the bedroom to make sure I got there safely and without incident from his mother. This was the first time that day that I was grateful that he had his cane in case I needed to snatch it from him for protection. When we got into the room he closed the door and gave me a long kiss while holding my face in his hands.

  “I love you,” he said. “If this is the last time you see me, this is how I want you to remember our last moment together.”

  My eyes widened. “Should I be worried? Does your dad have a gun?” Forget his dad. I wondered if his mother had one.

  “I love you and remember that,” he said before giving me a peck on the lips. “It’s time for this politician to debate his opponent. Pray for me.” He turned and walked out to face the music.

  I got my things together to take a quick shower. I had never been in and out of the bathroom so fast. I turned on the night light and kept the television on mute so as to not bring attention to myself because I really was tired and didn’t have the energy to calm his mother down. I was propped up on the bed watching Three’s Company and reading the closed captioning when there was a knock on the door.

  My heart raced as I wondered if I should pretend to be asleep and didn’t hear the knock or if I should do what I did, which was saying, “Come in.”

  The door opened and relief swept over me as Manny entered. He closed the door behind him and climbed onto the bed next to me.

  “What’s wrong with the TV?” he asked.

  “Nothing. I’m just trying to be quiet and I turned the volume off.”

  “Oh. I heard that you have a baby in there.” He pointed to my stomach.

  “Yes, I do. That means you’re going to be an uncle.”

  “Is it a boy or a girl?”

  “We don’t know yet. Would you like to see a picture of it?”

  He nodded and I got up to get them out of Theo’s nightstand. I sat back down next to him. He frowned. “That doesn’t look like a baby.”

  I smiled. “The body parts are still forming. Right now it looks like an alien is growing in me but when it’s time for it to come out it will look like a human baby.”

  “That’s good. I don’t want to be an uncle to an alien.”

  “I don’t want to be the mother of an alien either,” I said.

  “My mom and dad think you two are crazy to have a baby since Teodoro is sick.”

  I nodded. “What do you think?”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I thought babies made people happy.”

  “You know, you’re right. Theo and I are happy. My dad is really happy. Sometimes it takes time for others to be just as happy also.”

  “I’m happy,” he said brightly.

  I smiled at him. “I’m glad. I think you’ll be a good uncle.”

  The door opened and my sullen looking husband entered. “Manny, what are you doing in here?” he asked. “You should be in the bed.”

  Manny answered, “We were just talking. I’m going to be a good uncle.”

  Theo forced a smile. “I’m sure you will. Go on and go to bed.”

  “Good night, Manny,” I said and gave him a hug.

  After he left the room, Theo sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed. I crawled on the bed over to him and took off his hat and got behind him. I started massaging his shoulders and he slowly began to loosen up.

  “So, how was the debate?” I tried to ask lightly.

  “It was a battle. I think it was a draw.” He paused. “This feels so good,” referring to the massage.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  He shook his head. “It was a man to man talk and I need to let it stay there.”

  I sent him to bathe and when he came back, after taking his medicine, I gave him a body rub. Even though I had been tired, he had a rougher day than I had and deserved it.

  CHAPTER FORTY FOUR

  I woke up early the next morning with a feeling that had been recently unfamiliar. Instead of feeling nauseous, I was ravenous. I crept into the kitchen to take inventory and found everything that I wanted to make French toast topped with powdered sugar and fruit, eggs and bacon. As usual, the smells coming from the kitchen started to wake everyone up. I was getting the coffee started for his parents when his mother walked in.

  “I can do that,” she said. “You’ve done enough.” I didn’t know if that was supposed to have a double meaning or not.

  I stepped away and went back to check on my French toast and said good morning, which didn’t garner a response.

  She stood there watching me and then finally said, “I thought you really had his best interest in mind.”

  I turned around. “I do. What would make you think that I don’t?”

  “You know how ill he is and that he won’t be around much longer to take care of the baby, if he even sees it at all. Why are you giving him something else to worry about? Don’t you think that’s cruel to him knowing that he won’t be around to see his child?”

  “I have hope that he will,” I said and then turned my attention back to the food.

  “Hope doesn’t exist right now. You do know you’re going to be a single mother?”

  I furrowed my eyebrows and turned to her and asked, “How could you say that?”

  She looked at me with confusion on her face and then it was like a light went off. “Maybe I’ve said too much.”

  As she walked out of the kitchen, Theo walked in using his cane. He walked over to me and put his arms around my waist and his head on my shoulder. He kissed my cheek and said good morning. I raised my shoulder to knock his hea
d off of me.

  He stepped back. “What’s wrong, babe?”

  I grabbed the plates with the eggs and bacon. “You should go sit down.” I put the food on the table with the plates and utensils. I went into the bedroom and quickly changed my clothes and put on shoes. As I walked past the table towards the front door, Theo grabbed my wrist.

  “Where are you going?” he asked with a confused expression. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

  I moved my wrist hard enough to free myself. “I lost my appetite. I’m going for a walk.”

  He put his fork down and began to get up. “Wait, I’ll go with you.”

  “No” I quickly said. “You go on and eat. I’m sure you have things that you can talk about with me not around.” As I was closing the door behind me, I could see him glaring at his mother.

  I headed to the high school and slowly walked around the track. I felt like I must look like an idiot to his mother. It seemed as though there was something I didn’t know that made the words that came out of my mouth to his mother appear stupid. I went back over the conversation in my head. She made it sound as though he was worse off than I was led to believe. It occurred to me that he was now on new medication that made him more tired sometimes. He also started using the cane, which he hadn’t done since I’d been around. The thought of him hiding something from me that I should know made me go to the bleachers to sit down and cry.

  When I was able to get control of my emotions, I walked to my parents’ house. My dad was sitting in a chair in the living room reading the paper. We greeted each other. I asked if my painting supplies were still in the garage and he confirmed that they were. I went to my room and grabbed some CDs and headed to the garage. I set up my easel and my canvas. My art was hung around the garage. I didn’t feel like I was any good, I just liked being able to let out my frustrations and having it as an outlet. My parents thought some were nice enough to be displayed and I agreed to let them be hung, but only in the garage. My dad had set up a special corner for me to have as my mini studio.

  I don’t know how long I was in the garage. Between painting and stopping to sing songs I liked or fit the mood that I was in, it felt like it had been almost three hours. I had just finished singing PM Dawn’s “I’d Die Without You” when there was a knock on the door and I said come in, not knowing it would be Theo. He walked over to me with drinks and a bag of food that I recognized from a local dive a few blocks away.

  “Your dad said that you hadn’t eaten since you’ve been here and, since you didn’t eat breakfast, I had figured you might be hungry. He went and picked this up for us. Do you mind if I eat with you?”

  I got up to get one of the folding chairs from the other side of the garage and sat it near my corner. “Thank you for the food. I am hungry,” I said quietly.

  He handed me my food which I put down on a table next to me. He looked at what I had begun painting and then he looked around the room. “Did you do all of this?” he asked and I confirmed with a nod. “Goodness, woman,” he said under his breath, “what can’t you do?”

  “I can’t tell the future,” I said and then took a bite of my hamburger.

  And then the apple bobbled.

  “I don’t like looking like a fool, especially when it comes to my marriage,” I said. “I’m feeling like one.” I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from getting emotional.

  He put his burger down and reached for my hand. I almost pulled back but I didn’t.

  “Monica, there are some things that I’m just not ready to say to you. I promise you I will but I don’t have the courage yet.”

  A tear quickly fell down and I quickly wiped it. I thought I knew what he needed to say. I was unsure if I truly wanted to hear it.

  He kissed my hand and said, “I will, babe, but I’m not ready.”

  Since it was the weekend, it was hard to pretend that I didn’t know what I knew and have work be a distraction. I felt too depressed to do anything because he was there, once again, hiding information from me. He tried to get me to watch my favorite movie, but I wasn’t interested. He tried to get me into a couple of reruns of In Living Color on the tape I brought over. While I watched, I couldn’t find anything funny. He finally gave up on entertaining me at home. By early Sunday evening, he dragged me to a movie that he had more interest in seeing than I did. I had no interest in going and refused to drive, thinking that would make us stay put, but he decided to take the wheel even though he really shouldn’t have.

  When we got into his truck after the movie was over, before he turned the key in the ignition, he turned to me and asked, “Are you refusing to talk to me?”

  “I’m not refusing to do anything,” I answered. “I just don’t feel up to it. I’m entitled.”

  “So you’re going to act like this? I thought you understood that I’m not ready to talk to you about this.”

  “I can understand and still be hurt, Theo. This is just a repeat of several months ago where everyone else knew what was going on with you except for me and you didn’t want anyone to tell me. And once again, you’re doing what you can to not talk about it to me. The difference from then and now is that then I was just a girl you liked. Now, I’m your wife.”

  He put his head down. I took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry.”

  For a change, it was him who wiped the tears from his eyes, which made my eyes well up. He grabbed my hand and I could feel the wetness from his tears. He kissed it and said, “You’re right.” He turned the key and started driving in silence, but we didn’t go home. When the truck stopped, we were at a spot near Griffith Observatory that allowed us to see the city lit up below. We sat there for several minutes before he said something.

  “When I first found out that I had cancer, I drove up here once looking for a spot to jump off of or drive my truck off of.” He stared out of the windshield at the city below as the sun was starting to set. I remained silent, a little shaken that he had felt that way and was hoping that he wasn’t feeling that way at that moment. He turned to me and asked, “Would it be okay if we sat in the bed of the truck?”

  I nodded and he had to help me with getting up there. He sat down and had me sit between his legs so that he could wrap his arms around my waist and put his hands on my stomach.

  “So why didn’t you jump?” I asked getting back to where he left off.

  “Because I hadn’t done anything. It was one thing if I had lived and there was nothing to live for anymore, but I hadn’t even really started living yet. I couldn’t figure out what I had done to deserve to have a rare form of cancer and issues with my heart on top of it. That was something a man who beats his wife and kids and murdered people deserved because of his lack of heart. Not me. I’m glad I didn’t do it. Things that I wanted to do in my life you made happen in a few months, and the best part was being with you.”

  I put my hands over his but didn’t say anything so as to not disturb his flow.

  “Being with you has made me feel so alive,” he said as he began to choke up. He continued, “I don’t want to die. Not now. I have you and our baby to live for.”

  I nearly lost my breath as I felt punched in the gut to hear him say what I didn’t want to hear but I knew was coming. I got up to hold him as he cried.

  “I never thought I could love you as much as I do,” he said through his sobs, “and now I’m leaving you like this with a baby. A child I’ll never get to meet. It’s not fair.”

  “No, it isn’t,” I said through my own tears.

  After we were both cried out, I sat next to him and held his hand. He kissed my hand and said, “I’m sorry that I didn’t say something sooner. I was trying to not hurt you and didn’t realize that I was hurting you by not saying anything.”

  “You only told me one thing, but I don’t know everything behind it,” I responded. “I have so many questions. When were you told and how long do you have?”

  The apple bobbled. “I was told after I finished radiation and the tests show
ed that it didn’t work either. It’s spread to my lungs now. I went to appointments that I didn’t tell you about because I wanted you to focus on the baby and taking care of you two. I got put on different medications to help. I started using the cane because I get too weak sometimes to walk without support and I don’t want to be in a wheelchair.”

  “So you have stage four cancer?” I asked because I wasn’t sure. “And you really shouldn’t be driving?”

  He nodded.

  “So at this point, there isn’t much of anything that they can do for you?” I asked.

  He shook his head and turned it away from me.

  “You didn’t answer my question of how long do I have you?” We were in May and I was holding out hope for a big number so that he could at least see the baby even though we were approaching the one year mark my mother had spoke of months before.

  “Maybe a month or so, they can’t give me a definite amount of time.”

  My hands shot to my face to hide the hurt look on my face. I took control of my emotions and stopped sobbing. I turned his face towards me to kiss his tear-stained cheeks. “We’ll get through this. Thank you for telling me.”

  He nodded and kissed me. “I love you, Monica.”

  “I love you too, Theo.” I turned his cap backwards and kissed him again. I had to remember to make a conscience effort to not give too long of a kiss so that it wouldn’t impact his breathing since I didn’t know much about lung cancer.

  While I was glad that he finally told me, my heart was breaking. I moved myself back to sit in between his legs. He wrapped his arms around me and my belly. We looked up at the night sky filled with numerous bright stars whose beauty could hardly be appreciated back down in the basin of the city. Every once in a while he would whisper sweet words in my ear. Every time that he did, I searched out a new star to wish upon to let me keep my husband. When he was ready, I drove us home.

  CHAPTER FORTY FIVE

  During the summer vacation after I graduated from high school, two of my cousins accompanied me on a trip to Portland, Oregon. It was the first trip I had ever taken without the financial assistance of my parents. With that being the case, we took buses and cabs to everywhere we wanted to go that we felt was too far to walk. A rental car was not in the budget, not to mention none of us met the age requirement to rent one.