I Don't Want to Lose You

by Loreen James-Fisher

  One place that we went to was Pittock Mansion, which was set high up on a hill and, of course, the bus route didn’t include going up that hill so we had to hike from the bus stop. As we were climbing the hill in the woodsy area, I was so enthralled by the richness of color that all of the plants, trees and flowers had. Green seemed greener. Reds were redder. Yellows were more yellow than I had ever seen. It was as though I was seeing for the first time how God had intended the colors to look to the human eye when the Garden of Eden was created.

  While becoming one with the nature around me and trying to keep up with my cousins, my vision had been hit with a never before seen darkness. One moment the sky was a magnificent shade of blue with puffy white clouds hither and thither. The next moment it resembled a pair of faded black jeans that came out of nowhere. There was a drop here and there and that was enough to make three Black girls run like Kunta Kinte to get to the mansion and out of the rain. Our hair was of high importance.

  We took the tour and lollygagged around in the gift shop until the rain had stopped. As we took the trail back to the bus stop, I became mesmerized by the most beautiful rainbow that I had ever seen. It was just an ordinary rainbow with no additional colors to make it more remarkable than any other rainbow, but it was how I saw it. It was such a picturesque moment for me, to be looking up at the greenest, tall trees I’d ever seen and see a vivid rainbow peeking through. I took a picture on my camera and in my mind because, for me, this moment could never be re-created. Suddenly, gray clouds started making it harder for me to see the rainbow and I knew we had to hurry to the bus stop before the downpour began.

  Everyday that I woke up after Theo told me the news, I felt like the gray clouds were blocking the rainbow.

  I tried my best to act like everything was honky dory because I didn’t want him to think that I had pity on him. I wanted him to feel my respect and love toward him and that, despite him relying on the cane a little more and more each day or his becoming increasingly tired with ease, he still had his dignity.

  I had decided without consultation that we would start reading thirty minutes earlier each night because we were getting so close to the end of the book and I would do the bulk of the reading. I was determined for him to be able to check it off of his list. There used to be times when we would read it that we actually stayed up until the sun rose because we were on a roll and, dare I say it, the book was kind of good. Those times were getting further and further in between.

  I was reading when he interrupted and asked, “Babe, can we talk?”

  “‘Talk’ as in running something past me quickly and then I get back to reading? Or ‘talk’ as in mark the book because who knows how long this is going to take?”

  “It’s the latter,” he answered.

  I marked the book and put it next to me and turned to him to give my full, undivided attention.

  There went the apple.

  “I’ve been working on something for the past few weeks,” he started, “and I need to talk to you about it.” He took a deep breath. “I wrote up my will and some other things.”

  I furrowed my eyebrows. “Love, I think you have to actually have something of value to put in a will. You don’t have anything.”

  He nodded, “But I do. I have you.”

  That softened me and leaned over to kiss his cheek. “That was sweet.”

  “Thanks but I’m serious, babe.” The apple went down and back up. “Since this is mostly about you and my baby girl in there-”

  “Oh, no you didn’t?” I interrupted with a neck roll. He knew I wanted a boy and didn’t like him teasing about it.

  “Oh, yes I did, honey child,” he said mockingly while trying to roll his neck. We both chuckled. “I’m trying to be serious here, Monica, so don’t get all ethnic on me?”

  “Say what?” I asked. “Ethnic?”

  “Babe, I was trying to be politically correct about what I was inferring, but I’m not wearing my politician hat right now. Right now, I’m just you’re husband. I’m just Teodoro. Don’t take anything I say the wrong way. I’m just trying to get this out.”

  I nodded as I made my alter ego go back into hiding. Truth was that I was purposefully attempting to get off of the topic he wanted to discuss.

  He grabbed a manila folder and took out a handwritten paper. He pushed his glasses further up his nose. “I know my mom hasn’t been the easiest person for you to have to deal with but it would mean a lot to me if you kept in contact with my family. I would like for my child to know my side of the family.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of doing anything other than that, so you don’t have to worry about it.”

  “Since I don’t expect to be here when the baby comes, I want you to promise me that whatever Ralph tries to help you with, you will let him help.”

  “Help me how?” I didn’t see how he was going to.

  “I’m not telling you. I spoke with him about it and told him of the things I would like for him to do for you and with the baby. I told him that I want him to be comfortable doing certain things and to only volunteer to help if he was. So I don’t know what he’ll feel comfortable doing but just let him for me.”

  I could only nod because my throat was so tight that I couldn’t let a word out if I tried.

  He grabbed a manila envelope, which was quite thick. “I recorded a few videos that I would like you to show the baby as it grows up so it can see me talking to him or her. They’re labeled with what age I would you like for you to show them.” His voice suddenly went up a couple of octaves and he cleared his throat. “I have an album I made up of me growing up and some of my other favorite pictures for you two. It’s in the bottom drawer of my nightstand. I have letters in this envelope,” he started to cry, which made my levy broke, and he continued, “that I would like you to give to him or her at the age that’s on the front of the envelope. There are some things that I want said and I wrote them down since I won’t be there to say them. I don’t know what I was thinking when I did all of this. I did the videos before I wrote the letters, but I didn’t want to go back and re-record to add what I forgot to say on tape so I just wrote it down.”

  He grabbed some tissues and gave a couple to me and we both wiped out faces. I reached out for his hand and he took it and kissed it and said in Spanish, “No quiero que te deje,” meaning “I don’t want to leave you.”

  I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing so that I could let him finish because I wanted this conversation to be over with. Here he was doing what he thought was best for his family while inside my heart was breaking. When I opened my eyes, he knew that I was somewhat composed enough for him to continue.

  He cleared his throat. “I need you to do something for me if it becomes necessary. I really don’t want my last breath to be in a hospital. I’d rather be at home.”

  “Theo, I hope in your saying that that you are not saying that you will allow yourself to be in pain just so that you don’t have to be in the hospital.” He didn’t say anything. “Theo, I don’t want you to do that to yourself.”

  “It’s my life and it’s going to end and I would rather it be on my terms no matter what.”

  I just stared at him.

  “If I am in the hospital and you are told anything like I’m in a coma or something,” he said, “do me a favor and don’t let me suffer. Just pull the plug.”

  “What? I don’t think that should be my decision to make. Your parents would blame me for the rest of their lives.”

  “This isn’t your decision. It’s mine and I have a letter in here that says it clearly. I don’t trust my mother to do what I would want. But you’re my woman of action and I know you’ll make it happen. You’re my next of kin as my wife and so they will look to you. I’m going to discuss this with my doctor the next time I go to see him to complete any legal documents that may be needed to have you make the decision. I don’t know if my mother would ever let me go like that. Until then, I want you to know what I want.
”

  I bit my bottom lip and nodded.

  He took a deep breath and continued, “I don’t know if you can tell or not, but Manny loves you a lot. I think he’ll listen to you. If you can keep an eye on him for me, I would appreciate it. If he at any point seems to be going in a direction that you think that I would be upset with him about,” he pulled an envelope out of one of the manila envelopes, “give him this letter.” He squeezed my hand and said, “As for you, you’re right, I don’t have anything materially but if there is anything in here you want when I’m gone, you take it. It’s yours. As far as I’m concerned, it already belongs to you.” He held up his handwritten paper. “It’s in the will.”

  I shook my head and pouted. “I just want you. I don’t want you to leave me.” I started to cry again. I got myself to calm down by imagining just how ugly my ‘ugly cry’ was looking. I wiped my cheeks and said, “Where are you putting all of this so I’ll know where to find it?”

  “It’ll be in the bottom drawer of my nightstand.”

  I sniffed. “Okay. So it’s your will. So it will be.”

  “There’s one more thing I have to say that I didn’t write down. If you ever remarry-”

  I interrupted, “Stop. I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

  “I understand but I have to say this,” he said forcefully. “If you ever remarry, don’t settle or accept what’s being offered because that’s what’s being offered. You deserve the best and I hate,” he cleared his throat, “that I couldn’t give you everything I always wanted to give to you. I want you to find someone who will make you as happy as you have made me that will treat you right and love you and our child.”

  I put my head on his shoulder. I wasn’t ready to respond to that.

  “Will you promise me that you will do that for yourself?” he asked.

  I quietly said, “I promise.”

  He gathered everything and placed it on his lap. He put his arm around me and let me keep my head on his shoulder.

  “Are you all right?” I finally asked him.

  His chest went up and down. “That was the second hardest thing I ever had to say.”

  We sat there in silence for a while as I tried to digest everything he had let be made known, and he watched me. I didn’t want to cry anymore since it wouldn’t change anything. Arguing would make him feel like he didn’t have my support and that one of the things that he loved about me, my ability to make things happen, was a farce at a time it was needed most.

  He caressed my cheek. “I love your face,” he said.

  With a confused look on my face I said, “That’s nice to hear since you married me and you have to look at it.”

  He smiled. “One thing I have always loved about your face is that I can hear you just by looking at you. You don’t hide your feelings very well because they’re written all over your face. The last time I checked, you had twenty six different looks.” One of my eyebrows went up. “That’s your ‘are you for real?’ look,” he said, which was exactly what I was thinking. “I think you probably have a hundred and one.” I smiled with my lips closed. “That’s your ‘aww, you do love me’ smile. Am I wrong?” My lips were tightly closed with attitude all over my face. “That’s your ‘you already know so why are you asking me?’ look.”

  “Okay, Mr. Know-it-all. What’s this one?” I crossed my eyes and flipped my lips with my tongue on top of the top lip to lighten the mood.

  “Eww. I’ve never seen that one before,” he said laughing. “What is that one?”

  I chuckled and said, “It’s my ‘don’t you want to kiss me?’ look.”

  “No, I don’t want to kiss that one, but I’ll kiss this one.” He gave me the sweetest kiss, perhaps due to seeing from my face how much I needed it after feeling so deflated from the conversation. He put everything in his lap on his nightstand, reached over and grabbed the book and then continued reading where I left off. He wasn’t able to read too long before it required too much effort from him.

  CHAPTER FORTY SIX

  It was an unusually cool day for the Saturday of the Memorial Day weekend with rain touching down off and on. That evening we decided to go to my parents’ home for dinner since my mother made soup and I was in the mood for comfort food.

  We were in the middle of playing Scrabble after dinner when my father stopped and said to Theo, “You don’t look so good.”

  I stopped and looked up at Theo. “Are you feeling all right?”

  “I’ll be fine,” he answered slowly.

  “That’s not what I asked you. I asked if you were feeling all right.”

  “I’m fine,” he answered.

  My dad got up and came back with his paramedic first aid kit. He took out his stethoscope and listened to his chest. From the look on my dad’s face, I could tell he wasn’t fine. He took his blood pressure and shook his head. “You need to get to the hospital,” he assessed.

  “No, no, I’m okay, really. Let’s keep playing,” Theo said. He put down a word.

  “Do you think he would be okay if I drove him or should we call 9-1-1?” I asked my dad.

  “I think he needs to get to the hospital soon,” my dad answered.

  I nodded. The hospital wasn’t too far away and I could probably be halfway there before the ambulance could arrive and get him loaded up. “Come on, Theo. Let’s go,” I said as I got up.

  “I’m fine,” he said. “I want to finish the game. My last word gave me nineteen points, so write that down. It’s your turn.”

  “Are you serious?” I asked with my hand on my hip.

  “Yes, it’s your turn. Sit down,” he said calmly.

  I flipped the game over and tiles went everywhere. I faced my dad. “Sorry Dad.” He shook his head to let me know that I didn’t need to apologize and that he was okay with it because he knew I had to do what I had to do. I turned back to Theo. “There’s my turn. Let’s go.” I gave him his cane.

  My mother rushed in after hearing the game pieces fall. I turned to her and said, “Thank you for dinner and sorry about the mess, but we need to leave and get him to the hospital.”

  Theo got up and thanked my parents for dinner and then we got into the car to head to the hospital.

  “I’m a grown man and I don’t appreciate you treating me like a kid,” he said.

  “The treatment you receive corresponds with the behavior being shown,” I said sternly. “If you act like a child, you will be treated like one, but I really do wish you would act like a grown man.”

  “I don’t want to go to the hospital. I’d rather go home.”

  “I have grown up listening to my father tell stories of things he had experienced in his line of work, so if after looking you over he said you need to go to the doctor, we’re going. I’m not going to sit by and let something happen to you. Not on my watch.”

  I drove in silence until he chuckled. “It’s a double edged sword,” he said under his breath.

  “What? What are you talking about?” I asked, almost sounding annoyed.

  “I love that you’re my woman of action, but only when it’s an action I approve of. I don’t approve of this.”

  “So has my approval rating gone down? Am I still higher than President Clinton’s rating?”

  “Yeah, it’s gone down. You’re at ninety one percent.”

  I looked over at him briefly and said, “I can live with that.”

  We made it to the hospital and I was trying to get him to be seen immediately. That’s when he fell forward out of his chair to the floor.

  It felt like everything was happening so quickly. Too quickly. It was as if every blink that I made with my eyes, there was something new happening and I could not keep up no matter how hard I tried. It was happening so fast that it all resembled a big blur of colors, sounds and motions that didn’t make sense to an already clouded brain.

  Doctors and nurses who were nearby ran over quickly to Theo and started checking him out. A barrage of questions flew my way
about his history and I think I answered them correctly. I don’t remember what came out of their mouths or mine. They placed him on a gurney and they were out of my sight with my heart in their hands.

  Blink.

  I saw his parents rushing over to me and questioning me about what was going on. I had to tell them that I didn’t know and what I could recall happening. I was in a nervous daze.

  Blink.

  A man in a white coat stood in front of us and words came out of his mouth. I had to close my eyes to make myself concentrate on what he was saying because I was distracted by Mrs. Cabrera bursting into tears and covering her mouth. I understood that they got the fluid that had built up and I kind of got that his heart was failing and that one lung was ready to collapse. I had a hard time making a connection with phrases like “heart failure” and “possible kidney failure.” All it told me what that my husband’s body might be trying to shut down.

  Blink.

  There were accusatory words thrown at me asking how I could let him get this sick from his mother. I remember thinking that he didn’t want to die in a hospital and he would have tried to hide the pain as much as he could to not be there. I might have said it. I don’t remember.

  Blink.

  I opened my eyes after dosing off for what I thought was a few minutes but was much longer because of the numbness of my bottom. It wasn’t until later that I realized it was almost morning. I was being shaken by a nurse and she was saying something.

  “Mrs. Cabrera,” she said. “Your husband is awake and would like to see you. He’s in the ICU. I can take you up.”

  I followed her but I stopped before I got to the doorway.

  “He’s quite weak, so don’t make him speak too much,” she said and then walked away.

  I stood there for a minute to try to compose myself. As I was in my head trying to focus on my thoughts, I felt a slight kick in my gut. I wasn’t sure if it was the baby just moving around or trying to tell me to knock it off and get in there.