I Don't Want to Lose You

by Loreen James-Fisher

  I peeked in there and saw him. I quickly moved my head back and sobbed. There were more machines and tubes than the last time and he had on an oxygen mask. I took a deep breath, cleaned my face and walked in.

  He was laying there with his eyes closed and didn’t open them until he felt my lips on his forehead. I held his hand gently.

  I could barely hear him when he said, “I’m sorry.”

  I bit my lip and shook my head. I put my finger over my mouth to tell him to be quiet. I felt more movement in my stomach and quickly moved his hand over it.

  “Did you feel that?” I asked him.

  He shook his head.

  “Something is happening in there. Keep your hand there.” After I thought about it for a moment, it seemed the baby was agitated once I got up from my chair and started moving. I moved his hand and tried to bend and touch my toes a couple of times. I got his hand again and kissed it, like he would do mine, before placing it back on my stomach.

  “I love you, Monica,” he said.

  “I love you, too. Silencio ahorra,” I said telling him to be quiet now.

  Just as I felt a movement again, his eyes widened and he jerked a little.

  I smiled and asked, “Did you feel it?”

  He smiled and nodded. He kept his hand there for a while until it obvious the baby wasn’t going to perform anymore.

  “I haven’t asked how you’re feeling because you aren’t going to tell me the truth. But what can I expect from a politician?” That made him smile again. “I’m going to go home and get your book.”

  He shook his head. “Stay,” he said.

  “I’ll be back. I need to get something to eat and that will give you time with your parents. I’ll be back, I promise. You just make sure you don’t leave.” He shook his head and rolled his eyes at my attempt to be funny. “Too soon?” I kissed his cheek. “I love you so much.”

  He moved the oxygen mask down to his neck and kissed my hand. “Mi corazon.”

  I gently kissed his lips before putting the mask back on him and I left.

  When I came back to the hospital after gathering some things and contacting Ralph, I had to sit for a while in the waiting room because his parents didn’t want to leave although I had been gone for a couple of hours. He was allowed a maximum of two visitors at a time. Finally, his father came out and said that I could go in. His mother was sitting next to him, holding his hand while he was sleeping. I put up a couple of pictures from his bedroom on a table next to him and his book. I sat on the other side of him and put my hand on top of his, which made him wake up. He spread his fingers open so that mine could fall between his, then he fell back to sleep. I leaned back in my chair, found a comfortable position that wouldn’t make me have to move my hand and fell asleep.

  After that, it didn’t take long for the hospital staff to realize that I wasn’t budging from his room. They brought a recliner in for me to be able to sit in. We slowly began to have our own ritual, he and I. I went to my parents’ home to sleep because it was too difficult for me to be in his room and in his bed without him. But I had my teddy bear Theo to remind me of him. I would try to eat enough to hold me as long as possible to avoid leaving the room once visiting hours started. If he wasn’t awake, I went to sleep until we were both up at the same time. I helped him quickly brush his teeth and clean his face and then we shared a short kiss before I would put the mask back on him. Every couple of days I would give him a sponge bath, which I would accompany with a body rub with lotion. I kept telling him I knew he was enjoying all of this pampering just a tad too much. We did bed exercises three times a day for five to seven minutes. The rest of the time was filled with me reading to him, having visitors or watching some court shows on the television. My family, including a few of my cousins, had come by to see him too.

  I had adjusted to this new routine and it was my new normal. We both agreed that I should go home at night to sleep since his parents were switching back and forth between the two of them staying with him at night. The rest allowed me to be able to pay attention to what the nurses and doctors said and actually comprehend it to be able to ask questions. Six or seven days in they started to talk of hospice care. It’s funny how things can change.

  The next day I entered his ICU room and things seemed like they changed a bit, but I wasn’t able to determine what it was because both of his parents were in there, which wasn’t expected.

  “Good morning,” I said to them. “I didn’t expect to see you both here or I would have stayed in the waiting room.”

  They just looked at me and didn’t say anything. I walked over to him and kissed him on his forehead, which normally woke him up, but he didn’t budge. I looked at his father. “Did something happen to him?” I asked.

  “He went into a coma last night after having a stroke,” he answered.

  “What? Why didn’t you call to tell me?” I asked.

  He didn’t answer, just glared at his wife who wouldn’t look at me.

  The doctor walked in and I asked him if I could speak to him outside. It all became a blur to listen to him tell me what happened and what his present state was.

  “I can’t comprehend much right now because this is too much for me right now.” I sighed. “Just tell me this, doctor. Are the machines keeping him alive?”

  “Yes,” he answered.

  “If the machines were turned off, how soon would he die?”

  “Within minutes most likely. There’s hardly anything that he can do on his own and nothing else that we can do for him.”

  “How long is he expected to survive as he is?”

  “His heart is barely hanging on and his second lung is ready to collapse at any moment. His other organs are showing that they are shutting down and that stroke last night made him worse, so he won’t have long no matter what.”

  “So who has this decision to make about what to do?”

  And the answer that I did and didn’t want to hear. “You.”

  “Can he hear?” I asked.

  “He hasn’t responded to anything said to him so far, so it can’t be said for sure if he can or not. It’s still good to talk to him anyway. I’m going to go check on him and if you have any other questions, you can ask me when I’m done.”

  I nodded and stood there trying to let the information marinate in my head. The doctor came out.

  “I told them one of them needs to leave so that you can be his second visitor in there. Do you have any questions?”

  “No, but thank you,” I answered with quiet sincerity.

  I waited and his father came out of the room. “You can have your seat back. I’m sorry we didn’t call you. It was the middle of the night and everything happened so fast. I can’t believe its morning already.”

  “I understand,” I said, although I really didn’t. I was his wife and they knew where I was. I managed to get past the offensive action and went into the room.

  I decided not to pay any attention to his mother and try to proceed with what I would normally do if he were awake. I skipped brushing his teeth, but I cleaned his face. I didn’t want to hear his mother blame me for anything, so I left the mask on him and kissed both of his cheeks.

  I sat in the recliner, held his hand and began to read his book to him. His mother fell asleep and, when she woke up, went to get herself something to eat. When she came back, I was in the middle of doing his exercises. She sat down pretending to read a magazine but was secretly watching me. When I was done with his exercises, I gave him his body rub and then continued reading.

  She finally said something. “Why do you keep reading that book to him? You two have been reading it for months.”

  “He wanted to read it, not me. I’m just helping him to get through it.”

  “He can’t hear you, so why keep reading?” she asked.

  “The doctor said it can’t be said for sure that he can’t hear so I’m going to keep doing it,” I answered.

  When it seemed like she didn’t
have anything else to say, I went back to reading. At lunch time, I got up and headed to a pay phone to call Ralph. He hadn’t been informed about Theo’s status. I told him that I felt like I was losing my voice and that I needed help reading to him and recounted the conversation with his mother for him to understand my request. I had finished eating lunch in the cafeteria and was back in the room doing his exercises when Ralph walked in. He went over to Mrs. Cabrera and gave her a hug and then came over to me and did the same.

  “How are you?” he asked.

  “I’m as well as can be expected,” I answered. “Thank you for coming.”

  A nurse came in and said that there was one too many people in the room and someone needed to leave. Ralph and I looked at her.

  “I’m not leaving,” Mrs. Cabrera said.

  After seeing that one person was a new visitor and I was actually doing something with the patient that was helpful, the nurse sternly convinced her that she needed to go to the waiting room. It didn’t happen without a nasty look being shot at me first.

  Ralph sat down in her empty chair after grabbing the book and greeting Theo. He read while I continued with the exercises. When I finished with the exercises, we took turns reading until he couldn’t take it anymore.

  A couple of days later I had followed the new routine until lunch time, which was when I had an obstetrics appointment. It was time to see if the sex of the baby could be determined. It felt weird to go to the most climatic appointment alone. The baby was in the right position for the gender to be determined.

  I was excited that Theo had lived long enough for me to able to tell him what we were having, but it was a little bittersweet. After eating lunch, I was alone in the hospital room with him, for a change, but decided to whisper the news in his ear to be able to say that I told him and that he knew.

  The moment that I had been waiting for finally happened. I knew it was coming; it was just a matter of when. As I walked up to the entrance of the hospital to start the day, his mother was outside waiting for me. Without saying good morning, she asked me if I would sit down. We sat on a nearby bench.

  “I know you love my son,” she started, “but his father and I think it’s time to let him go.”

  “What made you two come to this conclusion?” I asked. With the way she had been treating me lately, I wasn’t going to make it easy. I knew what I was doing when it came to letting him go and nothing she could possibly say was going to change my mind.

  “We know that he is in pain. He’s not able to stay alive on his own. For every day that he’s just laying there, the more money it’s going to cost us and the more he has to suffer.”

  “So is this really a money thing?”

  “How dare you ask me that?” she asked.

  “You brought it up, not me.”

  She nodded and calmly said, “I did.” She paused before saying, “My son appeared to have signed some paper saying that you have to make the decision about his life. I’m begging you to stop my baby’s suffering.”

  “I want you to understand something. As his wife, that’s not how I want to see him. I don’t want these past couple of weeks to be a part of my memory of him.” I wiped my eyes to keep the tears that had formed from falling onto my cheeks. “I am the last person on this earth who wants to see him suffer.”

  “Then you’re going to speak to the doctor?” she asked with hope in her voice.

  “No. It’s not time yet,” I calmly said.

  “When will it be the time then?” she asked with irritation.

  “Do you know why my voice is almost gone?”

  “Because all you do is read that book to him all day” she answered. “I don’t know why.”

  “Did he ever tell you about his list?”

  She looked confused. “What list?”

  “After we got married, I asked him to write a list of things he wanted to try to do before he died. That’s why we did all of the things we did. You may have thought that I was trying to run him ragged, but I was only trying to make his wishes come true. That book was on his list, which was why we were always reading it. I don’t even have fifty pages left to finish it. I’m hoping my voice will last long enough for me to do it. But as long as I have my voice and he is still breathing, it will be finished for it to be checked off of his list. Nothing else can be said to me to make me change my mind. Not one word. Now if you will excuse me, I want to see my husband.” I got up and went to his room to start my routine. I was already reading when she finally came into the room.

  When I got up to go get something for lunch, I was surprised that she asked me for the book and wanted to know where I stopped. I showed her and she began to read before I was out of the room. By the next evening, with the help of his mother and Ralph, the book was finished. Final check.

  CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN

  I’ve always had mixed feelings about flowers. There are some women who take receiving them as a sign of love. While I did to an extent, I associated them with death which is why I never thought that flowers should be displayed after a certain amount of time. Take a rose for instance, although any flower would suffice. From its umbilical root, there’s a tiny bud that grows in time. Then the rose blossoms and shows off what it really is and what it really looked like behind that tiny, closed bud it once was, exuding beauty and a fragrant odor. Eventually petals start to fall off, perhaps from the breeze of the wind, lack of nutrients or from the age of it. Next thing you know, it slowly starts to get brown edges and look as though it’s shriveling up and then it dies.

  Teodoro Cabrera was my favorite rose.

  I brought the book home with me from the hospital. I didn’t have an appetite and I had to apologize to the baby for depriving it of nutrition. I only wanted to sing along with my 80s CDs to take my mind off of what was to come and I did for a few hours. I had asked my mother if she could take me to the hospital the next day because I didn’t think I would be capable of driving myself home safely.

  The next morning, I left my mom in the waiting room as I went to his room and waited for the doctor while sitting in the recliner holding his hand, foregoing the morning routine. The doctor eventually came by to check on him and I told him of my decision and that I wanted it done soon with specific directions that it was not to be done until ten minutes after I had left his room and signed the papers. I didn’t want to watch him die and I didn’t want to be in the hospital when he did either.

  I hated that Manny wasn’t able to come up to the room to say goodbye to him while he was still alive. Ralph had said all he wanted to say to him the day before and didn’t want to be around for it. It was just going to be me and his parents. They finally arrived and I left the room and closed the door for them to have their final moments with him. As I was outside the door, the baby was moving around quite a bit. I wondered if it was from sensing my distress. They came out after about fifteen minutes with red eyes and sniffling. I told them what I had instructed the doctor about when to do it in case they wanted to stay, but know that I wasn’t.

  I walked into the room and closed the door behind me. I stood there for a minute looking at him, wondering what in the world I was supposed to say. How do you say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to leave? This wasn’t an “I’ll see you later” or next week goodbye. I slowly went over to him and grabbed his hand and kissed it while smothering it with tears.

  “Can you believe it, Theo? For once I’m almost speechless. I know you probably would have liked me to have done this sooner, but I hope you can forgive me in taking so long to finish the book. I’m going to miss you. You’re my best friend and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through each day without you. But I don’t want you to be in pain anymore or to suffer like this. This isn’t living and this isn’t you. I’m a better person for having known you and it has been my honor and deepest privilege to be your wife.”

  I wiped my face and took a deep breath. “I am so scared to have this baby, Theo. I hope that I would do yo
u proud as the mother of your child. I remember all that you said and I’m going to do my best to comply, even with Ralph helping me. I’ll do it for you.” I reached over and massaged his face where the mask didn’t block it the same way I used to when there was hair there. I rubbed his head and gave him little kisses all over it, leaving teardrops that slid down to his face.

  I touched where his tattoo was. “Your heart really did belong to me, longer than I had known. I love you so much, Theo.” I grabbed a tissue to wipe fresh tears. “I’ll treasure so many of the moments we shared and tuck them away in my mind and heart.” A flashback of those moments flew at lightening speed through my brain. I took a deep breath of air to bring myself to peace with my present, as I tried to keep my throat from closing up on me. I put his hand on my cheek, although there was nothing behind it. No warmth, no gentleness, no affection. It was just a hand on my cheek, which gave me the courage I needed. My Theo wouldn’t have touched my cheek like that and I envisioned his petals floating along in the wind because the rose in front of me had faded away. I leaned over to kiss both of his cheeks again. I lifted his mask up and gave him a soft kiss. I put it back on him and said, “I love you, Teodoro William Cabrera.”

  I went around the room and gathered the items I had brought in for him and put them in a bag. “Goodbye, love,” I said as I opened the door and left.

  I could tell the nurses at the station were observing, but were trying to look occupied. I walked over to them and told them it was time. One of them went to get the doctor to go over the paperwork that I needed to sign saying that I was giving them authorization. I signed everything with tears running down my cheeks and went over to his parents who were still standing outside the door. I gave them both hugs and headed to the waiting room. I was in my mother’s car by 9:52 a.m. His time of death was 9:57 a.m., June 8, 1999.