Lia's files 2_Heading down south

by Kathrin Kilambya

  I hadn’t expected this, either, and I felt myself blush violently.

  And, of course, Paul, Josh and Nin would choose this very moment to reappear.

  “What’s going on here, why are you blushing, Lia? Anything funny going on?”

  By now I had realized that Paul would never let an opportunity to tease slip by. He grinned affectionately at me and punched Josh in the side who looked at me alarmed.

  “As a matter of fact, Lia was asking about you, Paul.” Rob calmly replied.

  “And that made her blush like a rose? What on earth did you tell her?” Paul was roaring with laughter now; while Josh didn’t look amused and Nin confused.

  “Nah, she just wanted to know whether you were reliable … or more like her Dad.”

  Iiih! He could have put it a bit more subtly! Really!

  But Paul obviously appreciated my question, because he burst out laughing before beckoning to Josh. “I like her. I really do. She’s a tough one.”

  Then, looking back at me, he curtsied and said.

  “It’s an honour working with you, Lia. You sure are of a quick mind and bang on with your comments. I look forward to our journey. With someone like you watching our backs, there’s nothing to worry about.”

  I felt a surge of fury rise up in me. How dare he make fun of me! I had Alice’s safety to consider here. And Josh’s. And Yuki’s and Nin’s. This wasn’t a time to mock everything. But before I could give him a piece of my mind, Josh’s wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close while warning Paul. “Back off, Paul. It’s enough. And you, Lia, don’t take him serious. He’s just pulling your leg.”

  From the safety of Josh’s embrace I scrutinized Paul and found his eyes to be sparkling with mischief. He even winked at me! This disarmed me and I finally joined in his laughter. He sauntered over and clapped me on my shoulder.

  “Honestly, a really good question! About your Dad and me.”

  “Do you dislike your Dad that much?” Josh’s voice was full of concern.

  “It’s got nothing to do with like or dislike, mate.” Paul replied in my stead. “Haven’t you gotten a thing? She knows her Dad just as well as we all do. He’ll always go for the show, the effect, the maximum personal glory to be reaped from any occasion. And other people’s safety comes second, at best. More realistically second last. And well you know.”

  It sounded harsh the way he put it. But he had quite accurately summed up Dad. At least the way I saw him. Still, I didn’t like to talk about all of this. I had just wanted to have a quiet word with Rob and now there we were, discussing my Dad! And Josh looking at me as if he felt I was misbehaving.

  “You really have serious issues with your Dad, do you, Lia?” Winter chipped in.

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Yes, you do.” Yuki, Nin and Josh answered in one voice. They all looked disapprovingly at me.

  Biiih! Why did we have to discuss Dad now? How had this all started? And why was Josh looking so disapprovingly?

  “You know full well that you have serious issues with Dad!” Nin exclaimed. “But I don’t grudge you. I see why you asked. Still, Dad’s not as bad as you see him, you know.”

  “Why do you disapprove of your Dad so much?” Josh sounded a bit hurt.

  “I don’t. It’s just that I have come to learn that one cannot rely on him too much. That’s all. And I wanted to know whether Paul is of the same bread and butter or not. Coz I want to know what we are dealing with. There’s too much at stake.” I replied defiantly, feeling more than a bit put out.

  “Like I said, it’s an honour working with you.” Paul bowed in my direction and I felt myself blush again.

  Biiih, really! A change of subject please! And subito!

  Josh tilted his head sidewise a bit and looked at me. He seemed disappointed. Which instantly made me feel bad. Even though my question had been perfectly alright and justified. What was he being difficult about? After all, it was my anxiety for their all safety that had made me ask the question in the first place.

  It was Yuki and Alice who saved the situation for me.

  “What are you talking about? Lia? I don’t understand?” Alice tugged at my sleeves, looking a bit forlorn. But before I could answer her, Yuki chipped in, voice raised and curt.

  “It’s quite enough! You stop making fun of Lia, Paul. And you, Josh, stop scowling at her. She only meant well. As you all know full well.” Yuki hardly ever raised her voice, but when she did, it had that much more effect. We all basically snapped shut and stood in attention.

  Paul grinned at her affectionately. “Another protective mother-hen.”

  Yuki glared at him forbiddingly for a second then her tight face softened and she blushed. Nin was by her side in an instant, enfolding her protectively with his arms.

  Winter giggled and Rob punched her in the side.

  “No, it’s kind of fun, and well you all know.” Winter tried to suppress the laughter, but it simply bubbled up. And she was right, wasn’t she? Suddenly we were all roaring with laughter, even Alice joined in, though she clearly didn’t quite understand what this was all about.

  “Now that this is cleared up, let’s move and go to this airport of yours. It’s getting late.” Paul was the first to recover from our collective laughing fit.

  He walked over to the fitness door, picking up the gun he’d chosen to take along. We all followed and I made sure that Alice wore her little woollen jacket, it was already way past ten, but the air would still be chilly outside, it was still only late spring after all. And, of course, she insisted that Piglet and Malinda came with us. Josh helped her pack the little animals in her little pack back.

  When they were done he stood there looking at her with a strange expression in his face. Worry, tenderness, love and fear, yes fear. It frightened me and I must involuntarily have moved because he glanced over at me and, seeing my unspoken question, heaved his shoulders helplessly and whispered. “I was just thinking about the way to go and how I worry for her, and you, and our all safety.”

  An overwhelming tenderness swept through me. That he would care that much! I had always known him to be someone who liked people, who liked being around people and was good at talking with them, getting his ideas across, dealing and working with people in general. But so too were people like my Dad. With a lot less compassion as their motivational driving force. Part of my attraction to Josh was his care for others. The gentle, understanding interest he had for every human. That much I had glimpsed even when we’d met at Uncle Phil’s and Kamene’s. The way he’d worked for Aunt Kamene’s social projects. Which he had supported with abandon.

  “Why are you looking so gloomy?” His voice startled me a bit. My thoughts had drifted off, analysing why I loved him so much.

  Feeling myself blush I smiled a crooked smile at him. “Dreaming of you.”

  “Ah, Lia!” He lifted my hands to his face and pressed a kiss on each palm. “I wish I could make you see how happy I am, here with you – and everyone else, of course; but mostly to finally be with you. The worries of yesterday morning seem like eons ago. I feel whole and complete, finally. I know that we have a difficult path ahead. Nothing will be as easy as it now seems. But with you at my side…” He broke off, laughing at the pathos in his own words.

  “I just want you to know, once more, that I love you, Lia.”

  With that he pulled me close and kissed me, lovingly, passionately.

  “Lia, Josh, let’s go, the others are waiting.” Alice was tugging at my sleeves and with a last “love you” Josh let go of me. He bent down toward Alice, gently nudging her nose. “Sorry Alice. We’re ready now. Lead the way.”

  Still holding my left hand firmly in his right, we followed Alice to the fitness room where everyone was waiting and, of course, Paul was rolling his eyes at us. But he refrained from commenting, just muttered something to himself as he turned and entered the tunnel, closely followed by Nin and Yuki, then Winter and Rob. We three brought up the rear and I
carefully locked the door to our safe-haven.

  The air smelt fresh and clean outside. It must have rained during the night. But now the sun was shining and it was another glorious morning.

  “One kind of loses track of time inside that bunker of yours. I would never have guessed that it is already after ten.” Rob remarked pensively after a glance at his watch.

  “This tunnel entrance really is in a genial place.” Paul muttered. “Completely invisible from all sides, unless you know where to look. Your Dad and Uncle Phil sure knew what they were doing, whatever else you want to say about your Dad, Lia, you know.”

  “Biiih, not again! Can we please leave my Dad out of the picture for now?” My voice sounded more than a little strained, even I noticed that. Josh gently nudged me in the side, smiling indulgently.

  “Just teasing!” Paul grinned.

  “How are we proceeding from here?” Rob’s matter of fact voice effectively stopped whatever biting repartee I was working on.

  Nin took over and showed them the little footpath leading down to the river. We were at the bridge in no time. But before we crossed it, Josh and Rob wanted to discuss whether it wasn’t possible to drive a car down here and get over to the airport by this way.

  “There’s a road leading down toward the river, to access the public swimming pool about 500 metres downriver. And from there a dirt track leads all the way here.” Nin explained. “As you can see it’s wide enough for a car to pass, but one can’t cross the bridge because of the metal posts blocking the way. Of course, we could saw them off, but honestly, I can’t quite see what with. We haven’t got such a big saw in stock.”

  “And how to you propose to get our gear to the airport?” Josh wanted to know.

  “We’ll have to go by road. From the barn where our cars are parked we can hit the main road and then we’ll have to drive south to the next bridge. That would be about 15 km. From there it will be another 10 km or so to reach the airport.”

  Nin knew they wouldn’t like this. We all didn’t, but there really was no other option.

  “Seems like a perfect way of advertising our presence to the world in general and the Nemesis collective in particular.” Winter remarked bitingly.

  “We’ve been doing it before. Driving around, I mean. And nothing ever happened.” Yuki chipped in without thinking much. I reached out a hand to stop her, but the damage had already been done.

  “You did what?” Josh exploded. He wheeled around from where he stood with Paul, inspecting the metal posts, and strode toward me, his eyes blazing.

  And, of course, Yuki put our collective foot in some more.

  “It was in the beginning, when we didn’t know how dangerous they are. We drove around a bit. To see how things are. It wasn’t dangerous, Josh. We always took great care. Josh, stop glaring at Lia. No harm was …”

  But he wouldn’t listen to her. Grabbing me by my shoulders and shaking me, he angrily hissed. “Have you utterly taken leave of your senses? Lia! Cruising around as if on holidays! Damn it! Do you even realize what could have happened! I can’t believe this! Hell! I, Lia, please!”

  Abruptly he let go off me, turned away and stormed past Paul onto the bridge. He kept going without looking back. I could see Paul squinting his eyes, sceptically glancing from Josh to me.

  A feeling of rejection washed over me with an intensity I had never imagined.

  And helplessness, utter helplessness.

  What was I to do now? Run after Josh? Would he listen? He was angry, more than angry, that much was obvious. But why? It had all happened several weeks ago and nothing had happened. Why did it anger him so much now?

  “Go.” Winter gently nudged me forward, smiling encouragingly. “Go, we’ll meet you at the airport. And be careful, will you? Alice is going to be okay with us. Go.”

  I had never felt so exposed, so self-conscious as now when I strode away from them, feeling their gazes upon me and yet concentrating only on Josh’s disappearing figure. I broke into a run. He had walked straight on after the bridge, as if he knew the way to the airport. I caught up with him just before the other little bridge, crossing over a brook that ran alongside the river there.

  “Josh, wait! Please wait.” I didn’t dare to raise my voice, but I knew he’d heard me. He stopped, but wouldn’t turn to face me.

  I wanted so much to embrace him, to touch him, for him to turn around and laugh with me.

  Not to be this angry stranger he suddenly had turned into.

  But the way he stood there made me hesitate. I wasn’t sure why he’d exploded like that just before. And suddenly, inexplicably, I wasn’t sure about his feelings toward me anymore. I felt scared, shy beyond anything. But I must explain, he must hear me out.

  So, my hand trembling, I reached out to touch his shoulder. “Josh, please, look at me. Let me explain.”

  He slowly turned around and what I read on his face shook me to the core. He wasn’t angry. He was overcome with emotion! He had tears in his eyes! I gasped and my hand moved forward, upwards to his face.

  “Why, Josh? What’s the matter?” I anxiously whispered.

  Instead of answering me, he turned and headed toward a tiny footpath leading away from the main path into the woods along the little brook. “Where does this path lead to?”

  “Nowhere in particular, just along the little brook for a little while.” I cautiously answered while following him.

  He kept going for about two hundred metres, in silence. Then, in front of a big beech tree he stopped and turned to look at me. His face was sombre now, a bit distant. It frightened me. I felt myself tremble inside. He was only four metres away from me, but there suddenly seemed like an ocean between us and I didn’t know how to bridge it.

  “I am sorry, Lia. For shouting at you just now. It wasn’t fair. And it wasn’t right.”

  He looked at me intently for a moment then he turned again, facing the birch tree and touching its wide stem.

  “But when I heard what you had been doing, how carelessly you have risked your life, pictures, visions hit me, overwhelmed me. I saw you injured, bleeding and nothing I could do …” He trailed the pattern of the bark with his long thin fingers.

  “I have had these visions, if you like, ever since you disappeared to fight off Steve.”

  He turned back to face me, watching me intently, still giving no sign of relenting. And I still trembled within, from fear, from tenderness for him. I tentatively raised my arm to reach out to him, stepping forward. And finally, he raised his, our hands touching.

  “They’re always the same. And they’re driving me mad. I see you in some place I can’t get to, can’t help you. You are hurt, you might be dying. And I can’t reach you! It’s tormenting me. And I don’t have them just at night, but sometimes, like just now, also when I am awake.”

  He looked at me now and slowly pulled me close, pressing me very tight. My heart skipped more than a beat and I felt myself shaking now.

  “When Yuki so innocently declared that you have been driving around, as if nothing could possibly happen to you and as if you were the only ones about. For admit it, Lia, that’s what you were thinking at the time, wasn’t it?”

  I just nodded in silence, my head still pressed into the hollow of his throat, unable to say anything.

  “I felt this murderous rage inside. For a split second I saw you laying there, somewhere, dying. Lia, if that were to happen, I don’t know how I would survive.”

  He pressed me even closer, murmuring into my hair.

  “It would destroy me. I couldn’t bear it. I have never felt for anyone what I feel for you, Lia.”

  He held me at arm length, his eyes blazing and pleading at the same time.

  “I have never loved anyone as I do you. Not this overpowering need to be with you, to make you safe. When you went after Steve, I was torn between anguish and pride. There wasn’t more than a fifty-fifty chance for you to succeed. At least that was Paul’s cool assessment of the situation at
the time and we had a mighty quarrel over it. But I didn’t allow myself to see it that way. I couldn’t. These long, horrible days without knowing where you were, how you were doing; picturing you somewhere alone, cold, hurt. And at the same time feeling this incredible pride for your strength, your determination to protect your family. It left me yearning to belong to that precious circle of people for whom you would do anything to protect them, make them safe. I hadn’t told you anything about my feelings for you before. How I cursed myself for this cowardliness in those agonizing days in Cambridge, dreading every day to hear the worst from Nin and Yuki while hoping for the best. I realized then that it had been fear of being rejected by you that had prevented me from speaking out earlier. Now, the thought that I might never get a chance to let you know about my feelings, to lay my heart and my entire being at your feet and hope for you to pick them up, find them worthy of your love. It was driving me mad, tormenting me until I hardly knew what to do anymore. All I could do was wait, wait and wait! In hindsight and to speak metaphorically for once, it was like forging metal into steal, you know?”

  Seeing the confusion on my face, he bent down and kissed me lightly on my lips before going on.

  “I mean, the more I feared for your safety, the stronger my love and my need for you got. I didn’t see it that way then. But when I finally heard your voice and could vent all my pent-up emotions at you, I felt like I had been given a second life. And then…” He stooped to kissed me again, this time more passionately, conveying his need for me in his kiss.

  “Then you said that you loved me back! I felt triumphant! More than I had ever dared to hope for! You know, Lia, I had expected to have to win you over. To make you see that you might be able to love me. You had never before betrayed any feelings that might have induced me to believe you felt anything more than friendship for me!”

  He sounded a bit put out and it made me smile. He felt it and pressed me tighter still.

  “That you so freely and openly declared your love for me left me reeling. And in a way I was angry.”

  He whispered sheepishly into my hair.