Lost Dreams

by Jude Ouvrard

  I dried my hair and it returned to its platinum straight form. I tied it in a high ponytail, my usual style. I applied lotion, got dressed and headed out of the steamy bathroom to discover my husband watching the cartoons like a little boy. He was sitting cross-legged on the carpet, three feet away from the TV. This man had faced more danger than most men in the United States and yet, sitting on the floor he looked like an innocent young boy. I had seen a lot of conflict too, but I felt like my body and eyes reflected the horrors I had seen at war. I'd seen the bodies of young innocent children rotting in the streets of Congo or Cote d'Ivoire after the horrific war which destroyed the cities. Most recently, I had seen the bodies of my teammates mutilated by a hidden bomb. Every time I looked in a mirror, I saw all those things happening again. It gave me the creeps every time, and I continued to suffer nightmares even now.

  I shook the thoughts away and took a deep breath. Carter glanced up and scanning the look on my face, he knew what I'd been thinking about. He got up and we moved towards each other until his arms found me and made me feel safe.

  "Come, let’s eat. Room service arrived." He led me to the small table and settled me gently into a chair.

  I wasn't sure if I was hungry anymore, but I didn't want to ruin our day with my complicated thoughts. I silently ate everything on my plate, even though it tasted like cardboard. I didn't want Carter to think I was miserable or let him worry about me on our short honeymoon.

  "We have a massage booking in twenty minutes. This is going to be great."

  "Yeah, I need a good massage." I thought about it, knew I didn't want to sound melodramatic. "Walking in heels yesterday really hurt my back."

  "I can only imagine, baby. I'm sorry you suffered on our wedding day." The sincerity in his words showed how much he cared for me.

  "It was worth every second." I would do it again if I had to, because I wanted to look perfect for him. Carter was the most amazing man in the world, I always wanted to look my best for him.

  ~~~*~~~

  We were both on massage beds, laying few feet apart. There was relaxing instrumental music playing in the background. The massage hadn't even started yet and already I felt less tense. I'd had massages in the past, knew what was coming and my body was appreciating the idea.

  My eyes were closed when I heard the masseuses walk in. They murmured their names and announced that our massage was about to begin. I felt her warm hands pressing on my shoulder, noticing how tensed my muscles were. She massaged harder and the pain release was wonderful. She reached my sides, working over my ribs and it was a little sensitive because of my injuries. She must have felt me flinch because she didn't return to that area. Battle scars aren’t always visible.

  Carter, Remy and I all had a matching quote tattooed, ‘Death before Dishonour’. Carter and I had it on our left shoulder blade. Mine had the words enclosed in a banner over a red heart with a hummingbird and Carter’s words were written next to a pin up girl who had my features, at least, my eyes and hair. It wasn’t obvious, but I knew it represented me. We had them done together. Remy's tattoo is similar to mine but instead of the heart, he has an eagle. ‘Death before Dishonour’ really relates to soldiers, because this is what we serve for. Our honour. Some people thought the tattoo was too crude, but tattoos weren’t meant to please everyone.

  Someone entered the room and placed something that seemed heavy on the small table between the feet of our beds. It was so heavy that the table creaked under the weight. Traci, my masseuse, was applying pressure to the back of my thighs. I'd never had a full-body massage before and it was magical. Every muscle in my body was receiving royal treatment. I believed that until I felt the first hot stone on my back. Traci had assured me I'd enjoy it, but I didn't expect the warmth to feel so good. The experience was sending shivers all throughout my body. I wanted more of them and I got them. I thought I was in heaven when she placed the last stone on the small of my back. She applied a soft, constant pressure on the stone located at the base of my neck. My eyes were tired and I drifted off to sleep. I hadn't felt like this in years, with all signs of stress gone, my body was light and free.

  When I awoke, the heat which had warmed me was gone and only the soft music continued. The massage was over and I wished the past two hours hadn’t flown by so rapidly. I took a few minutes before I attempted to turn over on the narrow bed. I couldn’t hear anyone else and realized Carter was gone. He'd probably decided to give me time to rest. Carter was always thinking about what was best for me. I remembered his vows from yesterday and he'd sworn that I was always going to come first. He had proven to me repeatedly, the honesty of his vows.

  After stretching, I put on the black and pink polka dots bikini and robe sitting on the table. I knew we had access to a hot tub, and guessed Carter was there waiting for me. It was probably why he'd left my swimsuit here and not my regular clothes.

  I walked out of the room, and was escorted by a staff member to the tub. My husband was waiting for me with two glasses of champagne and a plate full of fresh fruit and cheese. I made a mental note to call Remy and thank him for this gift. Our honeymoon here was better than anything I had envisaged.

  "Did you sleep well, baby?" he asked teasingly.

  "I did, my body has never felt better." He offered me his hand as I climbed into the tub. As soon as my feet touched the bottom, Carter pulled me toward him and wrapped me in his arms. "We have to come back here when you return. I love it.”

  "We will. It will be our Christmas present." He laughed. "I never realized how stiff my back was, until the masseuse tore it apart. I feel like I’m a foot taller now."

  "Exactly, this is crazy. It feels so good." I laughed too. "I guess we've been under a lot of pressure lately."

  "Marrying the woman of my dreams was the easiest thing I’ve ever done."

  "Yeah, it was for me too, but getting everything ready was a nightmare." I paused. "And...”

  "Don't bring it up baby. Today is our day. Our day. Enjoy the time we have.” My throat tightened because I wanted to talk about it, but there was nothing more to add. He was leaving tomorrow, we both knew it. I had to accept it and wait for his return. Patiently.

  He kissed my hair. "I will be back, baby. Sooner than you think."

  "Hmmhmm." I couldn’t speak or I would cry and I didn't want to be a crying mess in the middle of this beautiful experience.

  "Remember when I proposed to you? When was that?" he asked.

  I took a breath. "A couple of months ago."

  "No, baby, it was over a year ago. Fourteen months ago. You see how time goes by without us noticing? I'll be back before you know it." He squeezed my hand and kissed my lips. Carter was good when it came to making me feel better.

  I hated that he was right, it made me feel like I was a drama queen. "Okay, babe, I trust you."

  "I love you, wifey."

  I couldn’t help myself, I laughed, unable to keep the tone of my laughter low. Wifey? Really? I didn't know why, exactly, but it cracked me up. We had been calling each other baby or babe for years. Wifey was new. I thought it was cute.

  4.

  July 17th, 2007

  Carter

  I tried to be the strong one, but today hurt every bone, muscle and brain cell in my body. Without her by my side, life was painful. For years, she had been the sun in my days, the one I was looking for in the darkness. She was my light, my love and inspiration. My reason to stay alive. We were always together before I joined Special Forces. During our last deployment, we were lucky to be working together as a team and we both enjoyed it. I knew her better than I knew myself and while we worked jointly, I saw who she was and how strong and dedicated she had become. Her pride over serving in the Army was beyond most men. Her determination was astounding, she'd faced death, survived to my abject relief and still stayed the fighter she's always been. Her injuries and pain didn’t make her weak, she'd become stronger and fought against her fears.

  I sat in the plane next to
Remy. We had left a little over two hours ago and I could still feel her sadness, as if it was attached to my heart. Remy was also feeling blue, as he considered Avery to be like a sister. I hated that I was the reason behind her sadness. I held back the tears as long as I could, but mid-way to our destination, it overwhelmed me and I gave up.

  "Fuck.... Fuck... I hate this!" I yelled. I regretted leaving her. I should have requested a release at the same time as she did. This was a fucking nightmare. "I should be home with her, Remy. We could be starting a family like we want. I shouldn’t have come... I shouldn’t have." Each word, every memory of our conversations about the future hurt, kicking me in the chest because I wanted them now. Every minute away from her was a waste of our time.

  "Cart, man, relax." Remy squeezed my shoulder with a strong hand. "This, the Army, is our life, you can't go back now. We'll do this and go back home like we always do. A couple of months won't change anything in the end. She loves you like crazy and you love her even more." He paused. "Look, we can do this. It’s hard now because you just left her. Even I'm sad. I'll miss her too but it's what we do, man, we are Special Forces. We leave and we come back stronger. We fight for what's right. We have a job to get done now. Focus on that."

  "Being away from her is different this time. It's not that I don't like it, I hate it. It shouldn’t be like this. We had the best times of our lives these past few days. She was glowing, she was smiling like she used to, before the bombing. I felt like she was finally back with me, with us."

  "I saw it too. She was different, happy." He smiled. "It's all you, Carter. You were able to make her the happiest bride, even though she knew you were leaving. Use that to motivate yourself. We'll be back before we know it."

  "Thanks, bro." I dried my tears on the sleeve of my shirt. I was still angry at myself but he was right. She was happy again. I had to focus on that and come back home as soon as possible. She was my life now. Everything I am or own, is hers.

  ''I want you to tell me how you feel while you are away. Write me or call me as much as you can.'' I grabbed my backpack and opened the front pocket to find my pen and paper.

  Avery,

  I haven't arrived at our destination yet, and I’m already writing because I'm thinking about you. I miss you. I can't stop seeing your smile and beauty in my mind.

  Thank you for the pictures, I'll keep the one of you in your wedding dress with me all the time. Except when I'm in the shower, of course.

  I’ve been wanting to tell you how amazing and beautiful you are. Your smiles are back, the ones that made me fall in love with you years ago. The smiles that reach your eyes and the smiles when you bite your lower lip. I loved the way you blushed when you walked down the aisle. You took my heart at that moment and stole it. You are the one who owns it, take care of it. My heart is nothing without you.

  I will be back to you soon and we'll start our family. We could even buy a dog or a cat and move to a different city. Somewhere by the beach or in the country. Anything baby, just say it and you'll have it.

  I love you my shining star, more than you'll ever know.

  Carter

  Kisses and hugs

  I placed the letter in an envelope and addressed it. I wanted her to receive it soon, as I knew the waiting would be hard for Avery. I was planning to write to her every day if time permits.

  Remy had fallen asleep and I wondered how life was for him. He was single, I'd never seen him serious about a girl before. He flirted here and there, but he never talked about any girl in particular, or suggested he hoped to meet 'the one'. Never. As far as I knew, he didn't plan to stay in the Army forever and I always assumed he would eventually try to settle down with someone. I feared the loneliness he must sometimes feel. It was probably hard for him to see Avery and me so happy together. I wanted him to be happy too. He deserved to be.

  I couldn’t force him into anything, but maybe I could talk to him about dating.

  ~~~*~~~

  We finally made it to the camp. It looked the same as the last one. I had to try and stop imagining Avery everywhere. I was ridiculously obsessed with my wife. She was safe at home and this was the right thing for her, for both of us. While we were getting installed, the guys were talking about our wedding and were really cool about it. Most of them were married and already fathers. Some of them even asked me to show them my ring. That was just weird, wasn't it something girls do? The ring was simple, white gold with two small diamonds. We chose it together, the diamonds representing us. Avery's ring was as simple as mine, she'd never been the type of girl who wanted huge diamonds. I was ready to buy her the biggest diamond I could afford but she'd refused and went for something small and modest. It represented her after all.

  As soon as we got on camp, we started doing some work in settling in and we discovered issues. And to make everything worse, the internet was not working properly. We had security issues and couldn't use it for personal requirements. That meant no emailing and Avery was probably going to lose it in Fort Bragg. I had to make sure my letter got to her as soon as possible. I could try to call her, I would love to hear her voice. In the Special Forces, it only happened rarely that we had to deal with communication problems, since it was one of our most important tools.

  As soon as I located my bunk, I placed my backpack next to it and put the envelope containing the pictures under the thin blanket. I retrieved Avery's picture from my front pocket and looked at her for a few seconds. Her pale blond hair was piled on top of her head, in elaborate curls. She was gorgeous. Her gown was showing just enough skin, and kissed all of her curves. I was a proud man, and knew I was lucky that she picked me.

  Today was my first day away but on the bright side, I was one day closer to seeing her again.

  That was my main focus.

  5.

  July 21st, 2007

  Avery

  I no longer had the strength to live my life normally. It had been three days and I was a lost soul. My phone's battery was charged, my internet was working and all of our lines of communication were available, yet I had nothing, heard no news from him.

  I missed him like never before. The only thing I was good at, was moping around or crying to our favourite songs. He wasn't dead, I was going to see him again so why was I reacting so badly? I thought my behavior was immature and totally against every promise I had made Carter before he left. I just wanted to hear or read something from him because it was killing me.

  I stayed in bed and listened to music while I tried to motivate myself into doing something with my life. There were other women around here that I could talk to. We were all going through the same thing. I might feel alone but I wasn't. They were nice, too and I had made friends with a few of them. Why shouldn’t I try to hang out with them and enjoy life even if my husband was away temporarily?

  By the time the clock hit three in the afternoon, I decided to shower for the first time in two days and go out for a walk. I could do that and I had no doubt it would make me feel better. Get some fresh air and enjoy the sunlight.

  My eyes were red and swollen and my entire face had transformed into a sleep-deprived mess. The last time I’d looked this bad was after my four weeks hospital stay.

  I wasn't a makeup type of girl, but I had bought all the products for my wedding. I decided to use them again to make me look human. It was a necessity, I could be mistaken for a zombie in my current state.

  The sun burned my skin. The sky was a perfect blue with only a couple of little clouds here and there. North Carolina in the summer was way too hot. I was wearing a green tank top with cut-off denim shorts and it still felt like too many clothes. I didn't expect to meet anyone outside in such unbearable heat but I did. Megan, my neighbour from two doors down, was taking a walk with her daughter. Her daughter's birthday was approaching soon, if I remembered correctly, she'd been born at the end of August.

  Megan and her little princess had the same green eyes and dark blond hair. There was no way she could deny
the little girl was her daughter.

  She waved at me with an incredible smile, one that was honest and real. “I knocked on your door twice yesterday and once this morning," she said.

  "I bet Carter asked you to keep an eye on me."

  "He did, but I would have come to your rescue anyway." She stepped closer with her stroller. "I know how hard it is and you need the support." She placed her hand on my forearm and I knew that she was trying to connect with me. "I was never in the Army like you, Avery. My role here is wife, housewife and mother and I think I do well. We all have our demons, our pain or our strengths, so why don’t we try to help each other instead of drowning ourselves in sad music and eating too many cupcakes?”

  I realized that she really had come to check on me yesterday and this morning. Maybe her thing was cupcakes. I offered her an embarrassed smile.

  "Yeah, it’s been hard. We should definitely hang out."

  "Let's start now." She placed her arms around my shoulders and hugged me. She wasn’t Carter but it felt good to hug someone. "Come on, we were going to the park."

  "Sure, I hope there's a tree to sit under, the sun is killing me."

  ''Well, this is North Carolina, it’s normal around here."

  "That’s why I miss Portland so much." I did miss my hometown a lot. I wasn’t sure I would ever get used to this oppressive heat. There was a huge difference between the west and the east coast. I missed the mountains and the beautiful landscape of Washington.

  "Are you going back to Washington when Carter returns?" Her question took me by surprise.

  "We mentioned buying a house, but we never talked about where. I really don't know what we’re going to do about it. Maybe I should ask him. We agreed to write letters as much as we can."

  "Letters are fun, we do that too. Sometimes Patrick is able to call me but it's rare and they have access to video calling from time to time."