Lost Dreams

by Jude Ouvrard

  "I can't wait to hear from Carter. The more I wait the more it’s killing me."

  "Waiting for the first letter or call is the longest, most painful wait in the world. I haven’t received a call from Patrick yet, but it's okay. They'll contact us as soon as they can, believe me."

  "Oh! I believe you.... they’re away for six months. Time will go by fast, right?"

  "It always does and it's a good thing. Think positive, find yourself new hobbies. You have to, or you'll end up buried in your music and you're going to cry yourself a river."

  "I know, I know." I laughed. "I'll work on it." I knew I had to. I could start by trying to stay in shape, as a soldier, my body was cut and lean and I wished to stay like that. Maybe I could buy myself the camera I'd always wanted and take a photography class. Why not? I had to keep myself busy and it could even transform into a job in the future. I had to work on my future, set myself goals and achieve them.

  "Work on it but most importantly, make it work."

  "Such a motivator."

  "Yeah, I read it lot, it's my thing, and it keeps me sane."

  "Maybe you should lend me some of your books," I suggested.

  "Sure, what sort of things are you interested in?“ she asked curiously.

  It took me a few seconds to respond. I didn't know if I had an interest or not. I liked photography but I had never really done anything about it. "My interest, what I’ve been doing all my life, it's the Army, being a soldier. It's all I know."

  We walked maybe twenty feet before she added anything.

  "How old were you when you enlisted?"

  "I was fresh out of high school. I was never into partying or the other things people my age were doing. I did get a college degree though. My parents were both in the Army. It's how I was raised."

  "Are you some kind of G.I. Jane?" she joked.

  "I guess you could say that." We both laughed. "What about you? What's your story?"

  "Well, I’ve done a lot of things. After high school, I went to college but I couldn’t find my way so I became a hairdresser for a couple of years. After that I worked in a car dealership where I met Patrick for the first time. I saw him a few months later when he stopped by to get a new car. I’ve been staying here for the past three, going on to four years."

  ''It's funny that I've known you for a couple of months already, but I've learned more about you in the past five minutes than I did in months.''

  "It's true and I’m glad we're talking today."

  "Me too." We grinned and kept walking. Apart from Carter and Remy, I didn’t have any other good friends. I got along with the other soldiers we were teamed up with, but I kept to myself.

  "Do you have any plans for tonight?" She took me by surprise. No, I didn’t have plans but I knew that she was asking the question on purpose. I hesitated because I wasn’t used to hanging out, having dinners. This was a new thing for me and it made me nervous.

  I wanted to be home in case Carter tried to contact me, but on the other hand, I knew he would try my cell phone first. I tried to relax, even though I had all these concerns going around in my head.

  "I'm... no... I... I don’t have any plans," I stuttered.

  "If you want to have dinner with us, you're welcome." She waited for my answer but when she realized that it wasn’t coming immediately, she added "I made a rice casserole with shrimp and chicken. It's a bit spicy."

  I could almost smell it. It sounded very tasty. Without thinking more profoundly, I said yes and it made me even more nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. I wasn’t scared, I was nervous and a tiny part of me was excited. The possibility of having a girlfriend was new and not something that I'd had in many years. I had been with mostly men these past ten years.

  We made it to the park and met with some other women. Megan was obviously friends with all of them. Megan undid the straps on the stroller and settled Juliet on her feet. She was small and geez, she could run fast. Juliet climbed on the slide and joined a little boy who appeared to be her friend.

  Several of the women came over and we talked. One was pregnant and the father was one of the soldiers I'd served on missions with. I knew a lot about her and unfortunately, they were things she'd probably wish I didn’t know. Miscarriage and the abuse she'd suffered with her ex-fiancé.

  Of course, they knew who I was. It was a reminder of how bad I was at socializing with women. I needed to try harder and I was fine with the idea.

  "Hi Avery, good to see you here."

  "Thank you." I forced a smile. I was nervous and I was struggling to hide it.

  "I’m Julia, also known as Gregory's wife."

  I laughed a little. "I know who you are, but thank you. Gregory is a nice man."

  "Let's just hope that he gets back here on time. Baby won't wait."

  "When is your due date?" I asked her.

  "I’m at 37 weeks now. Due date is coming faster than I want."

  Just like that, I had my first conversation with Julia. I thought she was really nice and I was excited about her baby coming soon. I sometimes wished that Carter and I had started trying when he was home. I thought we were both ready for a baby. I couldn’t change the past or our decisions, but I decided to concentrate on this plan for his return. I couldn’t wait to have a mini Carter in my belly.

  Juliet played and ran in every direction. She was so small, but wow, her energy was endless. Megan looked exhausted after only twenty minutes. We sat on the bench as Juliet built a little castle in the sand box with a curly blond haired boy named William.

  The sun remained hot and I was pretty positive I would end up with sunburn. I tried to participate in the conversations and thought I did well. The girls were really nice; Megan, Julia, Laura and Jaimee.

  An hour later, Megan and I walked back to our street and went into her house. It was pretty much the same as ours, with a white tiled floor, very little colours on the walls but she had done a great job with decorating the house. It looked young and light. It smelled so good, her casserole had spread its aroma through the entire home. My stomach started growling the minute we walked in.

  "Would you like a glass of wine, or a beer? I have pretty much everything."

  "Wine sounds perfect."

  "Great, I'll have one too." She got the wine from the refrigerator and placed a glass on the counter. "It's a new wine, I mean, I’ve never tried it before. It supposed to be good with shrimp.”

  I took a sip and it was really good. "Delicious, I love it. I’ve never tried it before, either."

  "To our first," she cheered.

  We drank our wine in no time. I was thirsty. She offered me another glass which I accepted. I tried to drink it more slowly than the first one.

  "I’m going to get Juliet's dinner ready, then we'll eat, okay?"

  "Sure, not a problem. Can I help you with anything?"

  "No, no, it's okay. I got this." She prepared a plate of ham and macaroni salad for her daughter. Megan lifted Juliet into her high chair and got her ready to eat dinner.

  "Grape, mommy, grape."

  "Hold on two seconds, sweetheart." Megan placed a small cube of cheddar cheese on Juliet's plate and then gave her grape juice in a pink and purple glass.

  Juliet was such a cute kid. She was very active and apparently she was just as hungry. She hummed songs and ate her ham and macaroni. Megan looked at her with love and adoration. I couldn’t wait to have one of my own.

  By the time Juliet was done with her food, she had fallen asleep in the high chair. Megan cleaned her up and carried her into the bedroom.

  "I'll be right back, I'll get her into bed."

  "Sure, take all the time you need."

  I waited into the kitchen and drank my wine. I was already light headed. My day spent in the sun at the park was hitting me now. I needed to drink water and get something in my stomach soon or I would be drunk in no time.

  I heard Megan singing a beautiful lullaby to her daughter and at the end of the song, I heard her k
iss her good night. Maybe this was a normal time for bed after all. Megan tiptoed out of the bedroom and mid-way to the kitchen.

  "Sorry about that, I had to get her into her pyjamas and she woke up briefly in the process. She didn’t nap today, so I’m hopeful she's going to sleep all night."

  Listening to her talking about her child was interesting. My knowledge about babies or children was next to nothing. I was an only child and the youngest of all my cousins so I couldn’t relate at all.

  "She is adorable. So adorable that I wished I was pregnant earlier today."

  "I’m sure your time will come. I heard Carter and Patrick talking the other day and Carter was talking about having children with you and all. He's ready."

  "We are but we decided to wait till he gets back." I paused, thinking about what was happening to me. "I guess my biological clock is ticking."

  "Congrats on that... Are you hungry?"

  "I'm famished." My stomach growled shamelessly.

  "Perfect, because I have a tendency of making too much food."

  She took two plates out of the kitchen cabinets and placed them next to the slow cooker. When she removed the cover, the aroma which was released was even more mouth-watering. I was impatient to taste it, and watched as she brought our plates to the table and cut some slices of French bread.

  Megan added more wine to my glass before she finally sat at the table. My parents had taught me to never start eating until everyone was seated. I waited impatiently, but as soon as she was sitting down, I took a huge bite out of a shrimp. The meal was full of flavor and spicy, reminding me of chipotle and I loved it.

  I drank my wine slowly and asked for a glass of water as well. We talked about girls stuff all night and it felt so good. Part of me came alive for the first time. I told her a little about my history in the Army and all the things I'd been through. She showed a lot of understanding and compassion.

  Later, I walked back to my quiet house and missed Carter nonetheless. I took a cold shower to refresh myself, the heat was really hard on me and to make it worse, I had a terrible sunburn on my shoulders and arms. I needed to remember to apply sunscreen from now on. My skin was red and hot and even the light cotton t-shirt I slipped on was painful to wear.

  After spending two days crying, I was able to say today had been a good day and I hoped the coming days would continue to improve.

  I read one of Megan's book until my eyes were too tired to focus. It was one of her 'How to be Happy' books, which was interesting and I could see why she suggested I read it.

  I took two of my sleeping tablets and went to bed. It was only one in the morning, the night still had a long way to go. I hated being lonely in bed, I always had difficulties falling asleep. I concentrated on my breathing, trying to make my body relax so I could fall asleep. I planned on writing to Carter the next morning, and I ended up falling asleep while composing the letter to him. I missed him terribly, but even thousands of miles away, he had the ability to calm me down.

  Baby,

  Thank you for asking Megan to come over. She visited three times without me noticing, but I ended up seeing her outside with her daughter and we went to the park. I met with some of the other women and it was fun. It's good to be around people. I've been hiding in the house for the past two days because it's really hard to be without you.

  I had dinner at Megan's and baby, she sure can cook. I loved her meal. She made a shrimp and chicken casserole. DELICIOUS! We talked until a little past 11pm. I had a great time and we're planning to hang out tomorrow, too. Her daughter, Juliet, is precious. I’m learning a lot from her, about parenting skills, I mean. I can wait to have our babies. I love you Carter.

  I miss you and I think about you every second of the day. I can't wait to hear from you. It's killing me. I’m sure you are safe, wherever you and Remy are, but I can't help but worry.

  I can barely keep my eyes open....

  6.

  July 22nd, 2007

  Carter

  I was sitting in the combat housing unit with Remy. We were both stressed and exhausted after a night without sleep. A Staff Sergeant and some of our buddies were attacked last night while patrolling around the camp.

  They were attacked by militants, only two guys got hurt, nothing too serious, but we were two guys short until they recovered. It could have been me or Remy. We'd only just got back in-country and already we were mentally back to where we'd been during our last deployment.

  My eyes were burning with fatigue and my head was pounding mercilessly. Most importantly, I missed my wife. We didn’t have the latest technology here, which made it even harder. I needed to get my hands on a working phone, even if it was only for a minute. Hearing her voice would make my life seem better.

  I went to check on our friends; one had been hit in the shoulder and the other guy in the calf. I felt better after I'd seen them and confirmed for myself that they'd be okay, but it was tough to see my buddies in pain.

  I knew I was on patrol at 1800HRS and I had to be awake and alert. I went back to my bunk and took a nap. I hated taking naps because I thought they were a waste of time, but I needed it. This tour of duty felt different and I had a gut feeling that I needed to be mentally prepared for anything.

  Seeing those injured men had reminded me of Avery when she was injured. It was the worst time of my life. She'd moaned in agony for hours before she was drugged to ease the pain. I cried myself to sleep that night, thanking God for keeping her alive.

  "Lewis, we're leaving in five minutes."

  "Shit." My head was still pounding. I didn’t want to get off the bunk, but I had a job to do. I stretched out quickly and met the guys outside.

  Remy was his usual happy self, ready for our patrol. This guy had the strongest positive attitude I'd ever seen. I knew he missed home and Avery and he found it just as hard to be back here as I did, but I never heard him complain. We were all worried about what happened last night. We had to expect the unexpected, but Remy had a great attitude and he was good at boosting our team spirit. Remy's attitude to life was admirable.

  The night was quiet and dark and the moon was just a sliver of silver in the sky. Nothing happened during our watch, no sounds, no movement, which I much preferred to being bombarded by militants, but the night seemed to be endless. The other guys were talking about football and soccer but I didn’t have an interest in the discussion.

  To stay awake, I wrote another letter to Avery. I wanted to talk to her so badly and I would have given anything to be able to call her. I missed her voice and I needed to know how she was doing. I suspected that she would also be having a hard time. Our last morning together had been very emotional and the memory of the tears rolling down her cheeks and her trembling lip played on my mind. I'd told her it wasn’t a goodbye, because it really wasn’t. We were going to be reunited soon. I kissed her one last time and she'd gripped my shirt like she was holding on for her life. I told her I loved her at least three times before I left. I wanted to look back but I didn’t. I knew that if I saw her beautiful face one more time, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.

  "Carter, this is going to be the worst deployment of your life, if you don’t stop moping around. This is not like you. Come on, man!" Remy tried to cheer me up. "It's okay to miss her, but this is our job, this is who we are."

  I hated to admit it, but he was right. I wasn’t myself. "I know. This time seems different." I covered my face, trying to rub away my ominous thoughts. "It’s being a married man now, being away from Avery is making me crazy." I smiled.

  Remy laughed. "You're unbelievable. You've been with her for over ten years."

  "What do you know about love anyway?" I retorted. That was a low blow on my part.

  His smile disappeared. "I was in love once... never again." My words had hurt him, and I knew I'd been a complete asshole.

  "Sorry, brother, I didn’t mean it. I wish you could find her. I don’t know who she is but she clearly hurt you."

  "
She did, but it wasn't intentional." I knew he wouldn’t say more about her. He never did. "Don't worry about me. It's fine, it was a long time ago." I knew that talking about her was not possible for him.

  He left after our quick, but painful conversation, heading off to talk to Jason and Gregory. He was already back to his usual happy mood. The way he acted was like a switch that he could so easily turn off. I wished I had the ability to switch moods like he did. I just couldn’t do it.

  7.

  July 26, 2007

  Avery

  My cell phone rang and when I looked at the display it showed 3AM. The caller ID showed an Unknown Caller. I knew instinctively that it was Carter who was calling. I hadn’t received any news in over ten days and I snatched the phone from the nightstand to answer it.

  ''Carter... Carter!" I screamed, holding the phone tightly.

  "Baby girl, I know it's the middle of the night for you. I'm so sorry."

  "Don't be sorry, I’m so happy to hear your voice. I've missed it so much."

  "I've missed yours, too." I heard the relief in his voice at finally making contact.

  My heart was beating so fast, I could feel pulsing throughout my whole body. I wanted to ask him tons of questions but I couldn’t find the right words. "How is it over there?"

  "It's as good as can be expected. We aren’t at the same camp where we used to be. Some guys were ambushed when I got here a couple of days ago, but everyone's fine now." I heard the anxiety in his voice, he sounded nervous.

  “Thanks for asking Megan to look after me. We're hanging out almost every day."

  "Great. That’s good news baby, you need friends and some girly times. In fact, it was Remy's idea."

  "How is he doing?" He chuckled and I knew what he meant. "Same as usual, I guess."

  "He's good. Same old Remy, making sure everyone's happy."

  "Are you?" I asked him. "Are you happy, baby?"

  "I am every time I think of you, but this deployment is definitely harder."

  It broke my heart to hear him say it. "Be strong, Carter, you have to be. Do what you have to do, work hard like you always do and next thing you know, we'll be together again. You and me."