Lost Dreams

by Jude Ouvrard

  "God, I miss you."

  I couldn’t hold back the tears. I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t cry, but hearing his voice was simply too overwhelming for me. "Me too." My voice broke. "I’m sorry. I don’t want to cry but it's stronger than me.”

  "Nobody's stronger than you." He paused and sighed heavily. "I have to go now, baby. I love you, Avery. You should receive some letters soon."

  "I've written you letters, too." I blew him a kiss before I told him how much I loved him and the line was severed.

  "Damn it," I cried and sat up in the bed. For the longest time, my sobs were the only sound in the house. Even if the weather was over ninety degrees, I had the shivers. I'd waited so long for this call, I'd wanted it to be a happy moment, so why was I crying? I took a couple of deep breaths to regain control of my emotions.

  It had only been fifteen minutes since I heard Carter's voice and the sun was far from rising, but I couldn’t sleep anymore. I had an urge to do something physical, so I changed into my sport gear and went outside for a long run.

  I listened to my iPod as I ran. The Doors, Britney Spears, Johnny Cash; my taste in music varied with my mood and my collection included every genre and thousands of songs. My thoughts were all over the place. I was happy because I had finally been able to talk to Carter but at the same time, I couldn’t get over the fact that he'd sounded more confident when we were over there together.

  I decided to write him a letter to help motivate him again. I made up my mind that I was going to do everything in my power to give him the strength he needed to get through this tour of duty.

  I ran and ran until I couldn’t feel my legs. The neighborhood was peaceful, it was so different than the usual bustle of the streets during the day. When I returned home, it was still dark outside and I felt tired enough to go back to sleep. My body was covered in sweat and my hair were plastered to my scalp, so I took a quick shower and fell into bed.

  ~~~*~~~

  Carter,

  This is the first letter that I've written since I got your call. Please know that I don’t care what time it is when you call, the fact that I can hear your voice is the best gift you can give me. I was so happy to finally hear from you. It was the sweetest sound I'd heard since you left. I miss you so much.

  I just wanted to tell you that I know what you're going through, baby, because I am too. I know how hard it is to be over there, but you have to give it your everything or you'll regret it. The guys need you and your strategies. They need your jokes, the good ones and the bad ones. Be the guy you were when I was there with you. You will find me here at home when you return. I'm not going anywhere.

  Be the best version of you, Carter. You have to do it for you and for them.

  I love you to infinity and beyond.

  Your wife and shining little star,

  Avery xxx

  It was a short letter but I thought that I'd written what had to be said. I needed to give him the boost which would push him into being his old self. I knew he could do it.

  I addressed the envelope and placed it in my bag. I was meeting Megan in thirty minutes for a day of shopping. I wasn't really the type of girl who could spend hours in a mall, but at least it would be air-conditioned. I dropped the letter at the post office and walked back to Megan's house.

  I could feel the stiffness in my legs. My little escapade in the middle of the night had finally started to catch up with me. My muscles were hurting and my eyes were gritty.

  I couldn’t wait to tell Megan about the phone call, I was sure she was going to be more than thrilled. I hoped Patrick had called her as well.

  I knocked on her front door and she invited me in. She was putting on Juliet's shoes.

  "Okay, I’m ready." She grabbed her handbag and glanced at me. "Wow, what happened to you?"

  "What do you mean?" I thought there was something wrong with my face. Did I look that bad? Did I have something stuck between my teeth?

  "All the anxiety and stress seems to have disappeared. You look ten years younger."

  I couldn't help the happy grin which blossomed on my lips. "Oh well, that would be Carter, he called me early this morning."

  Megan's mouth dropped open and she put her hands on her hips. "Shut up! He called and you didn’t even tell me!"

  "I just got here!"

  "You should have called or come running into my house screaming for joy!"

  "It was 3am!"

  "Oh, yeah... don’t do what I just told you then... that's way too early." It struck me that my new friend Megan had a wicked sense of humor. "Patrick called me too, at eight this morning."

  "I feel much better but I’m concerned about Carter... he seems different."

  "What do you mean?" She narrowed her eyes.

  "His drive, his passion are gone. I think he regrets going. I wrote him a letter which should help him get on track again."

  "You guys share a strong bond."

  "Yes, we do. I feel his pain.''

  "Patrick was doing alright when he called. Same thing, different day for him. He misses us, but he tries to stay strong and do what he's gotta do, you know?"

  I nodded. I knew.

  I assumed we were going to go shopping at the Cross Creek Mall in Fayetteville. I hadn’t been there for a very long time, my wardrobe was pretty old and simple and I hadn’t bought anything new in months. I was comfortable in my baggy jeans or Bermudas and t-shirts. I knew I was lacking in the sexy outfit department, and when I'd casually mentioned it to Megan, she'd made it her personal mission to remedy the situation. Once we arrived at the mall, I helped retrieve the stroller from the trunk and minutes later we were shopping. I rapidly discovered Megan was a shopaholic. What had I gotten myself into? Oh my God, today was going to be exhausting.

  "I want to go to Forever 21, JC Penney, American Eagle, Pac Sun. Any places you need to go?" Megan asked.

  I was speechless, fighting to come up with a response. I had no clue what stores I should be looking at. "I... I... have no idea. I'll just follow you and see if there's anything I like."

  "Do you want something specific?"

  Crap. "No... Listen Megan, I haven’t gone shopping in a long time. I have no clue what to look for."

  "That’s wonderful! I'll help you." Oh, God! I was going to be her new dress-up doll.

  I had do something to stop this insanity. "Oh, no, no! Megan, I can't do this. It's so not me."

  She laughed aloud. "Oh yes, we are so doing this and after I get you into a new cute and sexy wardrobe, we are going to take pictures of the beautiful and sassy Avery for your husband. That will definitely get the man back on track."

  "You're crazy."

  "Yes, I know and we are doing this. Today. Now."

  I didn’t know if I should run for the hills or just give in and try to enjoy this. I hadn't done this for years... well, not since high school. This was going to be weird but I was hopeful it would be fun, too. I wasn’t even sure what size I was.

  For the first half hour, Megan walked around, piling clothes on top of the stroller. I didn’t know if they were for me or all hers. I had no clue, but I was beginning to get nervous. Little Juliet was napping, she was such an adorable little angel.

  We were now standing in front of a wall full of jeans in different styles, sizes and colours. Megan studied me from head to toe. "You need form fitting jeans, you have the shape for it." She grabbed two different sizes and added them to the pile of tank tops, skirts and colourful tops. I was definitely nervous.

  I prayed that it wasn’t all for me, or it would take me hours to try them on. She added three more skirts during the walk to the dressing room.

  "Are you ready for this?" She smiled with excitement.

  "Please tell me this isn’t all for me?"

  "Well, there are two or three things for me." Oh, please, someone rescue me!

  She handed me half the pile and pushed me into a dressing room. I placed everything on the chair in the corner of the small room
and thought I was going to cry. There were way too many clothes. In fact, there were more clothes on the chair than in my entire wardrobe.

  I undressed and decided to start with a skirt, grabbing the first one from the top of the pile. It was bright red and already I was out of my comfort zone. Thankfully, I couldn’t pull the skirt higher than my thighs as it was a size too small. I let it drop to the floor and picked up the next one, a black pencil skirt which was definitely sexier than anything I owned. It fitted like a glove. I snagged one of the tank tops from the foot high pile and put it on. I wasn’t sure that the two items went together, but I was certain Megan would let me know sooner rather than later.

  I walked out of the dressing room and she looked at me in amazement. "You look stunning. Wow, you've got curves, girl!" She had me blushing, but when I looked at myself in the three-way mirror I had to admit that I did look good. I was surprised by the transformation and pleased that the skirt was comfortable as well. The smile shining on my face was brilliant. As I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I was filled with pride, something I hadn't felt about my appearance for quite a while.

  "I like it. The skirt fits great. I’m going to buy it."

  Megan gently pushed me back into the dressing room. "You have plenty more to try on. Let's do this."

  She was right, I had a sudden urge to keep trying on clothes. I tried on all the skirts and ended up putting three more on my 'to buy' list. All I could think about was the delight I would see in Carter's eyes when he saw me again. I was rediscovering the woman I had once been, before I'd joined the Army and set my femininity aside.

  These past years, I'd never worried about the way I looked, because I was so engrossed in the military life.

  Megan remained patient throughout the whole process. She had to work hard to convince me to purchase the skin-tight jeans. I loved them and they fit beautifully, but I was used to wearing baggy jeans. These new ones were the opposite of what I normally wore, and I needed time to consider if I could get used to them. One thing I could get used to easily was how comfortable they were.

  Thirty minutes later, I was trying on the last top. It was a leopard print tank top and fit really well, so I decided I had to have it. The 'to buy' pile ended up bigger than I would ever have thought possible.

  I'd seen many movies where a character received a full makeover and looked ten times better by the end of the day. That was exactly how I felt, right now. I'd been transformed into a military princess.

  When the time came to pay the bill, I was anxious about how much I'd spent. I didn’t really want to look, not sure I was ready to face the reality. I got my credit card out of my wallet and handed it to the cashier, sneaking a peak at the total on the register. Oh crap! I'd purchased over two hundreds worth of clothes, in fact, the amount was closer to three hundred. It was a lot of money but I decided it was worth the expense. This was going to help me integrate into the woman I was now I'd left the Army and besides, it had made me happy. I was excited about the new clothes and couldn’t wait to show Carter how pretty I could be.

  ''Thank you, Megan. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown when you started picking out clothes, but now, I’m thankful you suggested the idea.''

  ''Not a problem, it's my pleasure. Next step is taking photos.''

  I blushed. ''Yes, lots of them.''

  Juliet woke up from her little nap and announced she was hungry. We walked to the food court and I went to purchase lunch, while Megan found us a table.

  Juliet was sitting on Megan's lap when I arrived at the table with the food. ''Ave, Ave,'' Juliet kept saying and I thought it was the cutest thing I'd ever heard. I was really touched by her attempts at my name, because I'd only known her for a short period of time. I was beginning to feel like a part of their family and it was a strange feeling. Apart from Carter and Remy, I didn’t have many close friends. I realized I'd been pretty isolated up until now, with only my boys providing friendship and company.

  We ate our burgers and salads before we continued our shopping spree. After lunch, Juliet wanted to walk and burn off some of her energy. Megan and I followed her around the mall until we reached one of Megan's favorite stores.

  ''Come here, Juliet.'' Megan said, trying to convince Juliet to get back in the stroller. The little girl made it clear she didn’t want to, obviously enjoying running around way too much to sit still.

  ''Ave!'' She looked at me with her arms in the air. I was stunned when I realized she wanted me to pick her up. Of course! I lifted her into my arms and relished the way she hugged my neck tightly. I was falling in love with this little girl, she was adorable and my arm was letting me know how big she was getting.

  ''Avery, I’m going to go and try on some clothes, do you mind watching Juliet?''

  '' Of course not,'' I answered. It was the least I could do.

  She had about ten items to try on, so the wait wasn’t going to be as long as it had been with me. After this store, we had plans to go to the children's clothing store and I was very excited about it. Juliet was a toddler and in my way of thinking, she was still so tiny. I couldn’t wait to look at the small girly clothes. I'd never been in a children's clothing store before, and I was surprised to discover I couldn't wait to study all the miniature clothes designed especially for babies. It was a foreign concept, but one which intrigued me. When Megan came out of the dressing room, she handed half the clothes to the clerk and paid for her purchases. I waited outside with Juliet and the stroller until she appeared, laden down with shopping bags.

  ''Are you girls ready for Juliet shopping time now?''

  ''Yes, I want new pyjamas.'' Juliet said in her cute little voice.

  The children's store was only few doors down and I was as excited as Juliet when we entered. Juliet touched everything which had glitter on it and if the repetitive chanting of the word 'pink' was any indication, she had settled on the color she wanted. She needed quite a few things, Megan had a list which included everything from the pyjamas Juliet had mentioned, through to new socks.

  I wandered around the store and discovered the baby clothes in one section. They were so incredibly small and cute. I couldn’t wait to come back here for my own baby. I was so looking forward to Carter's return, I wanted to make babies with him and couldn't wait to be pregnant with his child. It was on my mind all the time nowadays, a fervent desire to start a family. I knew I was more than ready.

  When I found Megan and Juliet, they were looking at t-shirts to pair with Juliet's leggings. I let them do their thing, in all honesty, I didn’t know how I could possibly help them. It was obvious mother and daughter shared a strong bond, Megan was very patient with her daughter, listening to what she thought and wanted.

  That night, when I went to bed I was utterly exhausted. I didn’t even have to take a sleeping pill. Once I was settled under the sheets, I thought about how good my day had been.

  Megan had given me so much today. More than just fashion advice, she had given me my confidence and self-esteem back. I'd spent the last decade of my life in a world where fashion didn’t have a place, a world where I was used to wearing black combat boots and Army camouflage. There had been no place for sexiness or looking feminine. I had been in a man's world and at the time, I'd absolutely adored it.

  My shopping day with Megan seemed like the beginning of a new chapter. I had to catch up on all those years and be proud of who I had become.

  I drifted off into a deep sleep, happy and truly contented for the first time since Carter's departure. Next thing I knew, my body was covered in sweat and my heart was pounding. I was awakened by the nightmare of grenades and gunfire and I saw familiar flashes of light before my eyes before I managed to drag myself back to reality.

  "Shit!" I exclaimed when I recognized I was in our bedroom and not in the middle of a war zone. "Damn it," I cried.

  It took several minutes before I could breathe evenly again. The nightmare was so real, I could hear the guys screaming my name and
rushing to retrieve me. I should have known better than to miss taking my medication. The end result of going without the tablets was that I was alone in the darkness, crying and desperately trying to block the visions I'd seen in my head. They seemed so real, a nightmarish repeat of my near-fatal accident. Not only did I have physical scars as a reminder, I felt certain the mental scars would haunt me for years to come.

  I dried my tears with the back of my hand and got up to take the medication. I wanted to have a positive attitude, but nothing would erase the images I carried in my mind. I had to learn to deal with them, something Carter had reinforced hundreds of times. Today had been wonderful, but I knew I had to find a way to use happy memories to diffuse the bad, and make my life better.

  8.

  August 1st, 2007

  Remy

  Being deployed in Iraq was nothing new to me. I had already spent over eighteen months here on different operations. This time, it was hard not to be with Avery. It was only me and Carter and I was missing Avery. Avery was a great leader and her good-natured spirit was definitely missing around here. Only men were in the Special Forces. Being with her during our last deployment was a lucky break, when the Special Forces were teamed up with regular soldiers.

  Carter had moped around for the first two weeks, but one day he'd woken up and was back to his old self. I thought it had something to do with Ave, because he kept reading a letter he'd received from her the day before.

  It was a good thing she had the power to kick his ass in a letter, because I'd been about to do it for her. When you're on a mission, you have to be there one hundred percent, or you become a dead-weight on your fellow soldiers and it can end badly. I didn’t want that for him, myself, or anyone else on this mission.

  Early this morning, we heard some of our friends died when their convoy was hit by two roadside bombs. The driver had died instantly and two other guys died later from their injuries. We had been deployed with them in Afghanistan a few years ago. It was devastating, even more so as they were all husbands and fathers. I was trying to go on with my day normally, but the pain and sadness was nearly overwhelming.