Lost Dreams

by Jude Ouvrard

  We were finally ready for the mission. Our intelligence sergeant had advised us there were suspicious activities going on in the outskirts of the city. We had to go and make sure the area was secured.

  We were entering a compound, the ground consisting of dirt and rocks. Carter was the sixth man to enter and I was right behind him. The moon was perfectly round and the sky was pitch black. The light from the moon made it easier for us to see, but it also made us all more visible to the enemy. We had to enter an old brick apartment building, but first, we had to breach the outside gates and access the small courtyard. There were fig trees everywhere around the property. They provided camouflage as we made our approach.

  The door of the building was already broken open, so we entered rapidly and silently. The first four men were tasked with making sure the first floor was clear. Carter, Patrick and myself went up the stairs to the second floor and the rest of the team ran upstairs to the third floor. We heard noises from a room and it sounded like it was coming from the rear of the property. We hurried through the floor, convinced we weren't alone. We opened each of the doors on our way and made sure each room was empty. Carter was covering us, ensuring nobody snuck up as we searched the rooms. I was in charge of opening the doors and Patrick was searching the rooms, one by one. ''Clear'', he yelled, every time he confirmed a room was secured.

  My heart was beating hard and my knees were shaking a bit. This mission was nerve-wracking. We were about to enter the final room. I kicked the door open, almost certain we would find someone in there. The room was dark and dusty, the window was broken and a breeze was blowing in. Patrick walked in with his gun cocked ready to shoot and I followed with my AK47 in place. There was nobody in there, the final room was empty. We turned around wondering where the hell people were hiding. It wasn’t possible that the floor was uninhabited, we’d heard someone up here. I was getting angry because we weren't idiots, we knew what we were doing and the search had been faultless. Finding the person hiding in this building was supposed to be a piece of cake. I turned to leave the room, wondering what had gone wrong with our intelligence.

  In a split-second, my heart stopped and my face drained of blood. I couldn't breathe or even move. I was staring at Carter, and realized with mounting horror that he was clueless. Patrick would normally be confirming the room was clear but he remained eerily silent. A tall and skinny man was standing a few feet away from Cart with his weapon pointing at Carter’s back. He shot Carter three times before Patrick and I were able to shout a warning. We killed him with a hail of bullets.

  Carter was on the ground, lying face down. All I could hear were his screams, he was screaming my name and coughing violently in between. The other guys began to converge around us, running from all over the building. I gently turned Carter onto his back. He was losing a tonne of blood and I applied pressure on the wounds, trying to slow down the bleeding. The blood continued to pump out of his body, soaking my sleeves and covering my hands. I couldn’t believe what had happened. He wasn’t going to die, I wouldn't let him. He wasn’t allowed to leave us. Despite my determination, I knew he was losing way too much blood and far too rapidly. I wanted my brother by my side for many more years and Avery; I couldn’t even think about how destroyed she was going to be if we couldn't save him. ''Carter! Stay with me, okay? Look at me, bro, stay with me.''

  ''Av...Avery...'' He spluttered, his eyes fixed on mine and I could see his fear and pain. To my alarm, his teeth were covered in blood and some dribbled from the side of his lips. ''Take care of her br...brother. I love her. Tell her... tell her... I love... her'' He was trying to stay calm but I knew he was going to die and I knew it was going to happen in the next few seconds, as much as I didn’t want it to.. Blood was dribbling out of his mouth and his breathing was almost non-existent. He was choking on the fluids building up in his throat.

  I watched him take his last breath, his eyes still locked on mine. I couldn’t stop the scream which erupted from my throat and pain swamped my chest. William checked if Carter still had a heart beat and shook his head wearily. He leaned over and gently closed Carter’s eyes.

  I was on my knees, still begging him to stay with us, yelling at him that he couldn't leave Avery, but he was gone. His body was lifeless and surrounded by a pool of his own blood. I checked his vital signs again, even though I knew it was useless. He'd been shot three times in the back and two of the bullets had gone straight through his body. One was very close to his heart and the other had probably pierced his lung.

  The boys lifted his dead body and slowly carried him out of the building. They'd already called for reinforcements and medics, even though I knew it was a waste of fucking time. I couldn’t walk, didn't want to move. I had just seen my best friend, the man I'd known for over twenty years, die in the battlefield. I was lost without him and didn’t want to think of a future without him.

  Patrick forced me onto my feet and out of the building. For the first time in my career, I was blindsided by despair. It wasn’t the first time I'd seen a close friend die, but Carter was like my fucking family. It hurt like nothing I'd ever felt before. We'd fought together, we'd trained together. It felt like I was missing a limb, I had lost half of myself, half of my life.

  After getting on the convoy, my mind was numb. I held Carter in my arms, trying to figure out how I could have saved him. Maybe I shouldn’t have entered the room. I was starting to scrutinize everything that we'd done, running the mission over and over in my head. Was his death something that could have been avoided? Where had we gone wrong?

  I lifted my eyes from Carter's face and found all the guys looking at us, sympathy in their eyes. I felt so disconnected from reality. William, Patrick, John, Patrick, Zachary; each of them were touching Cart in one way or another. This mission had been devastating. A real fucking disaster.

  ''Come on Carter, wake up man. You can't die. What the fuck am I going to say to Avery, huh? Have you thought about that? How devastated she's going to be?'' Tears well up in my eyes and I cried like a baby. I was no longer the Special Forces soldier, tough and unbreakable. I was completely vulnerable. I smoothed his hair back from his face. ''I'll watch over her, I promise.''

  I didn’t even know how the mission ended. I didn't know if we'd gained control of the building. All I knew was that we had killed the man. It's the only thing I remembered.

  When we got back to the camp, the medics took his body away from me and the guys. I asked my superior to grant me one request. The singularly most stupid thing I could ask permission to do. I asked to be the one to announce the news to Avery. Why? Because I was a fucking masochist. She was going to kill me with her bare hands and hate me forever. I should be the one to tell her, because I was the one person who knew exactly how she was going to feel. I felt the same way.

  She was waiting for us in the States. Us, not just me. She would know, as soon as I knocked on the door - she would know. She was going to see me outside her house alone and she was going to hate me for not bringing him back alive.

  I hated myself, so badly. I couldn’t even look at myself in a mirror, hating the man I would see.

  I packed my belongings and Carter's, ready to take back home. I found Avery's photos in a perfumed lilac envelope, hidden under his mattress. I shouldn’t have, but I snuck a look at them when I was packing up. I chuckled to myself when I realized he'd kept some of them from me. I also found his letters from Avery, but I didn’t read them. It would have been disrespectful. I kept his medals in my pants pocket. I never thought I would be in this position. He'd died only hours ago and already I missed his arrogant laughter and his confident voice.

  Life without him was going to be tough. Harder than all the training I'd gone through for the Special Forces.

  ~~~*~~~

  I sat on the plane for hours. Exhaustion was overwhelming and every bone and muscle in my body ached. I couldn’t sleep because I was still trying to think of what I would say to Avery. How could I tell her how sorry I was
? I'd need to say it hundreds, maybe thousands of times. It's all there was to say and yet I knew it wasn't enough.

  When the plane landed, we all stayed seated for a few minutes. We weren’t looking forward to what was coming next. We all shared so much of our lives together, losing one of our group was never easy for anyone. No-one had been advised of the exact time of our arrival. We were going to say a prayer for Carter and afterwards, I would grab his belongings and mine and walk to Avery's house. I held his medals and neck chain in my shaking hand. My mouth was dry and even though the weather was cold for December, I was sweating buckets.

  It was eleven in the morning when I reached her house. She had put Christmas decorations outside, big red buckles hung on each side of the door and a big wreath with gold bells and small red flowers decorated the center of the door.

  I didn’t want to do this.

  I knocked at the door and heard her footsteps. I thought I was probably going to pass out.

  17.

  December 22nd, 2007

  Avery

  I heard someone knock at the door. I thought it was probably Megan. We were supposed to wrap some presents together this afternoon.

  When I opened the door, I was shocked when I saw Remy standing on the doorstep. He was alone and I knew it meant something terrible had happened.

  I looked at Remy silently, saw the immense pain, hurt and sadness in his green eyes. I knew what he was going to say but I wanted to pretend nothing had happened. I didn’t want to hear him tell me the truth. I didn't want to know.

  He held out his hand and I could see bits and pieces of a chain. I knew what it was and I held out my hand, wanting to push it away. I couldn’t hold it. I screamed and cried. I had waited six months to be with him! The excitement I'd felt today, waiting to see him again was replaced by anger and heartbreak.

  ''Carter... Carter... No!'' I yelled. I was shaking from head to toe, hardly able to stay on my feet. Remy took me into his arms and I tried to fight him, but all my strength was gone. I couldn’t even stand up, I collapsed against him. He lifted me and silently carried me into the house and into the bedroom.

  ''What happened?'' I asked, sobbing. I knew that he couldn’t tell me exactly what happened, but I needed to know and I wasn't going to take any crap about it being classified.

  ''He was shot. He asked me to tell you that he loved you before he died in my arms.''

  ''Where were you when he got shot?'' Remy and Carter were always looking out for each other. I couldn’t understand how this could have happened.

  ''I was inspecting a room and when I turned around, there was a man standing behind him. He shot Carter before we even had a chance to warn him.''

  I started crying even harder. My heart hurt. I had craved his touch for so long. I wanted my husband. I wanted his lips on my skin. I just wanted him back alive. I didn’t want to be a widow, I was way too young for that and he was way too young to die. We had so many things planned. I cried, begging to have him back.

  Remy placed me on my bed and stood by the bed with tears in his eyes. ''I’m sorry Ave... I'm so fucking sorry.'' He knelt by the bed and held my hand, begging for forgiveness.

  ''I know it's not your fault, Remy, but my life, our lives are changed forever. I was so looking forward to seeing him today and now... I'll never see him again.''

  ''He was so excited about seeing you too. He couldn’t stop talking about you, Christmas dinner and everything you guys had planned. He loved you Avery, always.''

  Remy remained by my side until I passed out from exhaustion. I didn’t want to sleep and leave him alone, because I knew that what he’d gone through was even worse than what I was suffering. He'd watched Carter die. Those images would never leave him, they would haunt him forever.

  I heard some noise on the floor beside my bed. ''Remy?'' I asked sleepily.

  ''I’m here. I’m going to take a nap. I'm so exhausted I can't even stand anymore.''

  I looked on the floor and saw he had grabbed a pillow and a blanket to create a makeshift bed on the tile floor. ''You can sleep in the guest room,'' I suggested.

  ''I’m fine here, Ave.''

  Seconds later, he was snoring and the tears began to silently roll down my cheeks again. Where was my husband? This must surely be a nightmare? I had spent enough time without Carter already, I needed to be with him.

  ~~~*~~~

  Later in the day, I woke up with my eyes burning and my head throbbing. I heard noises downstairs. I knew it wasn’t Remy because he was still snoring. I slowly walked down the stairs and found Megan, Juliet, Patrick and William sitting at my table. As soon as Megan saw me, she ran over and held me in her arms. I crumpled to the floor, unable to hold back all the pain I felt.

  She held me and whispered words that I couldn’t even understand. My body was numb and shutting down. We had become so close, she was my best friend and we always knew this was a possibility, that one of us or both of us could end up widowed. We had promised each other comfort and support.

  Juliet was asleep in her father's strong arms.

  ''Avery, you have to eat or drink something.'' I knew she was trying to get me to sit at the table. I had to get a hold of myself even though my whole future had been taken away from me. With Carter being in the Special Forces, I always knew this was something I had to be prepared for, but it was impossible to prepare for this.

  My heart was bleeding.

  Megan placed a warm coffee before me and asked me to drink some of it. She offered to make me something to eat, but there was no way I was going to get some food into my stomach. I couldn’t eat. My stomach was twisted in knots. My hands hadn’t stopped shaking and my eyes were constantly filled with tears.

  I was used to living by myself but I couldn’t picture myself living here alone anymore. Before today, I'd always felt like Carter was here, filling the house with his personality, even though he'd been so far away. But now, I knew he would never return and that feeling was gone. I was freaking alone in this big, empty and cold house. I was scared and panicked at the idea of being here alone.

  I drank two coffees and the tears finally stopped. I couldn’t even think about planning the funeral, even though I knew we had mostly arranged everything, just in case. He was way too young to die. I was trying to convince myself that he died happy, doing what he loved but I knew deep down that he would never have wanted to die so far away from me. Not without a goodbye kiss and I shivered as I thought of him dying there in Iraq, wondering what he'd been thinking in his last few minutes of life.

  Remy came down the stairs and looked as bad as I did, if not worse. I wanted to hug him, take care of him and comfort him. When I had my accident, he did everything he possibly could to make my life bearable. I wanted to take those images of Carter's death away from his mind, because I knew they were all he could see right now.

  He got himself a coffee and sat next to me. He placed his hand over my arm on the table. He didn’t have to say anything. I knew. We were going through hell. The sad part for him was that he had training to attend soon. He had to get his head together and face the reality. I wasn't ready for that. I didn’t even give a shit about Christmas, or the ten pound turkey that was currently residing in my freezer. I didn’t want to celebrate without Carter.

  Megan didn’t ask any questions. She literally did everything I would normally do. My laundry, Remy's laundry, the dishes. Even if I told her not too, that I would get around it later in the day, she didn’t listen. I received flowers from other families on the street. They prepared meals and invited me over for their Christmas parties.

  Carter had wanted to have a traditional dinner here and I was going to do that for him. He deserved it, for all his hard work overseas and for the love he'd given me. I would never stop loving him and I would do as we'd planned. I was going to celebrate Christmas, in our house.

  ''Megan, are you still planning on coming here on the 25th for dinner?'' I asked. She seemed surprised by the sudden question.
r />   ''Are you sure? You just lost... I mean, is it what you truly want?''

  ''Yes.''

  ''Well then, we'll be here as planned. Do you need help with anything?''

  I was on the verge of crying again, but there was no way I was going to give in to tears. ''I might need some help with the turkey. I've never cooked one before.''

  ''Piece of cake. I'll come by in the morning and help you get it ready for the oven.''

  ''Thank you.'' My bottom lip was trembling but I bit on it to make it stop. I really didn’t want to cry.

  ''Do you want to go grocery shopping together, or do you want to give me a list?''

  ''I'll take her.'' Remy offered. ''I've got a few things to do around town.'' He didn’t specify what and I didn’t dare ask.

  His words, his voice. He sounded so different. He had lost his joy and usual good spirits. It was understandable, but I missed the old Remy.

  ''When do you want to go?'' He asked and squeezed my arm a little.

  I looked at his eyes and could almost see the images haunting him, I pulled my attention from his eyes and answered. "Tomorrow."

  Megan wrote down a short list of the things we needed. She left the note on the counter beside my car keys.

  ''I'll bring the desserts. I'll bake a few pies,'' she offered

  ''I love pies. Thank you Megan.''

  Patrick and Juliet had left while Megan was writing the list. Juliet needed to eat and take a nap. I have to admit that she was getting a bit antsy around here, I didn't have any toys for her to play with and she'd been affected by the morose mood in the house.

  The men hugged and said their goodbyes. They were both very quiet, like me, they probably didn’t feel like talking. Right now, I would have been happy to hide in a cave and never come out again.

  ''I’m going to go home for now. I'll be back later, if you want.'' Megan said.