Lost Dreams

by Jude Ouvrard

  She got into her seat and drove us to I-didn’t-know-where-yet. The music was playing softly in the car. I was having difficulty with noises, they were making me irritable but the melody was nice so I was okay. We were getting closer to Avery's house. At least I hoped we were going to her house, because I was frightened to be alone. I needed her, in more than one way. When she turned to the right, I knew we were going to her place because my house was over on the left. I bit the inside of my cheeks to subdue a smile. A few seconds later, Avery parked the car in her driveway. She undid my safety belt, then hers. She got out of the car to help me out, then grabbed my bag and arm-in-arm we walked to her door.

  ''Calm down, girl. I'm not dying, I'm okay. I can feel your body trembling.''

  ''I can't calm down, Remy.'' She unlocked the door and pushed it open. ''I lost Carter, okay? He's gone,'' she cried. ''And I came this close,'' she showed me a tiny gap between her fingers, ''this close, to losing you too, and that tore me apart.'' She put my bag on the table. ''When Megan told me what happened, I passed out, because I couldn’t believe I was going to have to go through this again. We waited twenty-four hours before we finally got the news that you were alive.''

  I felt terrible. ''I'm sorry, girl, I'm so sorry.'' I pulled her towards me and wrapped my arm around her. She cried and she sobbed against my t-shirt. Ave was in a terrible mess. ''I promised you I would come back, and I did.'' I kissed her hair. ''I’m so sorry I had to come back in such a dramatic way.''

  ''You're alive, Remy.'' She almost never called me by my first name. ''It's all that matters.''

  ''I know, Avery.''

  We were silent for a moment, her sobs calming down and she regained control of herself. It broke my heart to see her like this, she'd seemed so strong at the hospital and I was just realizing it was a facade. In that instant, I knew we both needed rest and we both had a lot on our minds.

  ''I think I need to lay down, Ave, I'm getting a little dizzy. I'll go to my room.'' She squeezed me with all of her strength, one last time, before releasing me.

  I got to the guest room. There was a bouquet of daisies on the night table. She'd changed the sheets and comforter on the bed for a navy blue one. I made it to the bed just in time, my vision had gone blurry. I sat on the corner of the bed and closed my eyes. The fact that she wanted me to stay here was great, but damn, this was fucked up. She still continued to ignore everything I'd said to her. It made me anxious and the best thing I could do was lie down and chill out. Being around her was even harder now. I put my arm over my eyes, to hide away from the light in the room. Turning it off required too much physical effort for now.

  ''Remy, are you okay?'' Her voice was low.

  ''Can you turn the light off, please?''

  She did and then removed my shoes. I shifted up on the bed and she placed my legs under the comforter. ''Do you feel any pain?''

  ''It's not too bad, I can manage.'' My head hurt constantly, no matter what I did. In my shoulder, the bullet had torn a muscle and damaged the bone severely. They had to screw the bone together in three different places. It would never be as strong as it used to be, but at least I was alive.

  ''Okay...'' She stayed in the room looking at me. It had me confused, did she want to talk or something?

  ''Is everything OK, Ave?'' I needed to know.

  She nodded. ''It's just good to have you here. I missed you.''

  Okay, she was giving signs she wanted to talk, but I thought maybe she wasn’t ready just yet.

  ''I missed you too, girl.'' I smiled.

  She returned my smile with one of her own, she seemed suddenly shy and her cheeks flushed. ''I thought about what you said to me a lot. It scared me at first but then, I felt like I already knew about it. Things cleared up in my mind. How you were always looking after me, always making sure I was okay. I should have known, but I only had eyes for Carter. I still love and miss him every single day.'' She took a deep breath and rubbed her eyes. ''But... I felt things were different prior to your deployment and I understand now. I didn’t hate it, I liked it. Being closer to you makes me feel better. I need it, but I can't promise you more than that.''

  ''What are you saying, exactly, Avery?'' I could feel a wave of tingles rush through my body. What did she mean? It was so out of character for her to be so shy.

  ''I’m saying I still love Carter, I probably always will, but I also like you and need to be around you. I can't promise you anything, but we could try and see if it would work out.''

  ''I’m not a consolation prize, Avery.''

  She sighed. ''God, this is so hard. You're not, I know you're not. When I didn’t know what was happening to you, I cracked up. I felt so broken, because I feel something for you. Something which is more than friendship, but Carter hasn't been gone for long and emotionally, I'm still a little fragile. So if you're willing to take baby steps and see where this could lead us, I'm willing to try.''

  ''Okay.'' I was speechless.

  ''Is that all you're going to say?'' she asked desperately.

  ''If I could get up without keeling over, I would come and get you, but since I can't, would you come and join me? I need you, too.'' I offered her my free hand and she took it, settling next to me on the bed.

  She lay beside me, on the right side of my body and leaned her head in the hollow of my shoulder. I kissed her hair and she entwined her legs with mine. This had to be a dream. Was she really in my bed? Had she really said everything I'd just heard? Or was my medicine too strong and I was hallucinating? I loved it, but I couldn’t believe it.

  Her breathing quickened and her heartbeat resonated through me. She had to be nervous. I squeezed her with my uninjured arm and minutes later, she seemed calmer. My eyes focused on her, I tried to capture the moment in my mind forever, but I ended up falling asleep holding her against me. She was my little angel, my girl.

  27.

  March 31st, 2008

  Avery

  For some reason, I wanted to keep our relationship private, something between the two of us. I wasn't ready to tell the world just yet. People could easily be judgmental and I didn't want to explain myself to anyone. My feelings for Remy had gotten more serious than I’d ever thought they would be. My love for him was growing every single day. Remy was a wonderful man, so thoughtful and always taking good care of me, making sure I was okay. I was a lucky girl.

  Remy was released from the hospital two weeks ago, and the doctor told him repeatedly that he was forbidden to do any heavy lifting or manual work, due to his shoulder injury. I wasn't certain Remy fully understood the gravity of his injuries, because when I came back from the daycare two days ago, he was working in the yard as if there was nothing wrong. I stopped him and forced him into a chair for the remainder of the day. I was upset with him, he had been hurt enough already.

  ''How was your day at work?”

  It was good, but Liam... ''Good, the kids were excited to see each other again. I don't know how they do it, I hate Mondays.''

  ''How's your boss treating you?''

  I sighed. ''Good, but things are strange.'' I paused, not sure how to explain myself. ''I feel like Liam wants something from me, something which has nothing to do with the daycare.''

  Remy's jaw tensed. ''He can't force you into anything you don't want, Avery.''

  ''I know, and I think he knows too. I don't encourage him, I always keep it professional.''

  ''Should I be worried?'' His brow furrowed.

  ''Absolutely not. You have nothing to worry about.'' Because my heart belongs to you, already. I hugged him and he pressed a kiss against my forehead, which made me squeal on the inside. Every single one of his gentle touches made me feel loved.

  It was good to be home and to have him with me. In the past months, I’d gotten used to being alone, but nothing felt better than being with him.

  In the past two weeks, we had settled into a routine where we would drink a glass of wine before dinner and sit on the couch and talk. Many times, Remy
would talk about the mission in Afghanistan, and how strange it was that he had no memories of the attack. I told him, more than once, that it was a good thing - he didn't need to remember. He had me in tears regularly during our discussions, but for many different reasons - because I couldn't imagine my life without him, because I was thankful to have him back in one piece and because I felt sympathy for him having a memory full of devastating souvenirs from his time abroad, even worse than mine. As soldiers, we’d seen so many horrible things and sometimes dealing with them seemed almost impossible.

  I needed time to adjust to the transition from being Carter’s wife, to being Remy’s girlfriend. Not a day passed without me thinking about Carter, mourning that he’d died when I was so close to having him back. All my needs, my dreams with him were left unrealized and it was hard to deal with.

  With Remy, I'd always loved him. Our relationship had been one of good friends, but I’d always needed him and missed him when he was away. He was responsible for bringing so many good things into my life, even though I was with Carter.

  Now it was easy to imagine myself with him, because my feelings for him had changed. I needed him in a different way, more intimately and I had a strong desire to spend my life with him. I knew he would always be good to me and if Carter had an opinion, he would probably agree, because he’d trusted Remy enough to know he wasn't going to mistreat me or treat what we were building together as something frivolous. Remy respected me, he always had and I trusted him implicitly.

  At the moment, being with Remy made me nervous, but in a good way. His touches set off a flurry of butterflies in my stomach, and I needed time to get used to the changes in our relationship. I found myself blushing often, every time I felt his eyes on me, his gaze unsettling. He made it apparent he wanted me, his desire was a tangible link between us. Whilst Carter had loved me very much, with Remy, everything was different, a stronger, more powerful link between us.

  Most nights, we cooked dinner together and every minute we spend together helps to fill the void in my heart. Remy's patience and devotion was slowly healing my broken heart and his cooking abilities were winning my stomach. He could cook brilliantly and it continually surprised me, for someone who'd lived alone for most of his life.

  Remy was still seeing the doctor almost daily. The damage caused by the bullet was severe and still extremely painful. I didn’t like seeing him in so much pain, he had prescribed painkillers, but refused to take them unless the pain was unbearable. I tried convincing him to take them for his own good, but it was a lost cause.

  Because of the head injury, the doctor’s had shaved half of Remy’s hair off. I’d tried fixing it with clippers, but there wasn’t much we could do to improve things until it grew back in a little. He hid it, usually wearing a hat or a beanie and god, he was so hot! It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him wearing a hat but I’d never seen him with a beanie before. It gave him a bad-boy-cum-skater-boy look, which I adored.

  Of course, I took some photos. I was getting pretty good with the camera and I was proud of myself. I printed one of the photos of him wearing the beanie and placed it on the nightstand beside my bed. I had no intentions of spending a night in the house without him, but having his photo next to my bed was a comfort. I could look at it in the morning when I woke up, and it was the last thing I saw when I went to sleep at night. On my days off, we liked going hiking in nearby parks and I always had my camera at the ready, taking photos of the landscape and of course, some candid shots of Remy.

  Our days were filled with smiles and laughter, we never argued and I loved this about our growing relationship. We liked holding hands while taking walks and sometimes, he would kiss my temple or the top of my head. My feelings for him were getting stronger each time, I really liked him, and maybe I was even falling in love with him.

  ''Do you want to watch a movie and make out?'' I asked him one afternoon.

  He laughed out loud. ''Are we back to being horny teenagers?''

  I chuckled. ''I guess we are. I need to cuddle next to you. I really missed you while I was at work today.'' It was never easy to leave home now Remy was here.

  ''Oh, really? Should I take my shirt off, or leave it on?'' Remy’s voice was teasing, but desire flared in his eyes.

  I blushed heavily. ''Do what you want, soldier, just get your ass over here.” I opened my arms to him and seconds later, I had him lying next to my heart. He’d removed his shirt and he was kissing me passionately. He’d never been the type of guy who would make me wait, he’d always been good about giving me exactly what I wanted. As I enjoyed the feel of his lips against mine, I knew exactly what I wanted, was him.

  We spent the night together in a romantic embrace and my need for him grew bigger than ever.

  28.

  April 18th, 2008

  Remy

  Sex! I waited longer than I thought I would, before I first made love to her. We finally did it for the first time a couple of days ago and it was magical. She said so, too.

  She told me the last time she’d had sex with Carter was during their honeymoon, so it kind of made it hard for me to make love to her, even though I craved being with her. Dead or alive, Carter would always be my best friend and I knew I was in love with his wife. I wasn’t stupid, I knew this would be an emotional moment for Avery, difficult for her to cope with. The situation we’d found ourselves in wasn't the best of circumstances, but we were slowly adjusting. I knew letting me make love to her would be a huge step for Avery to take, so I did my best to make her feel desired and loved and comfortable. I worshiped her naked body, her curves, loved the feel of her skin against mine. It felt perfect.

  Earlier in the morning, we’d visited a nice house in Fayetteville, which was available to rent. I really liked the house, it felt like a home. It was freshly painted, with two bedrooms upstairs, and a nice kitchen which was open to the living room. The yard was great, surrounded by trees and little birds twittered in the sunlight. There was enough space to put a table, chairs and a BBQ grill on the patio. Avery could barely sit still after we’d visited, she wanted to move in straight away. After we’d looked around the property for a second time, we told the landlord we were interested in renting the house. First, she made sure our credit was good, but we knew our credit score wasn’t going to be a problem. We both felt like we had a good chance to get approved. Besides, the lady said she was honored to have veterans in her house and she seemed to really like us. I knew right away that the house would be ours. She also told us that we could have the possibility of buying the house later on, which thrilled both of us.

  When we got back home, Ave was more than excited about the house. She was already deciding on where to put our furniture and she mentioned wanting a wall with tons of framed photos of us. I liked the idea and knew photography was becoming a huge passion for her.

  Megan was supposed to be stopping by after dinner, and Ave was excited to tell her about the house. Avery also planned on telling her about us being together and that was making her nervous. She didn’t know how Megan would react.

  Meanwhile, I only had one thing on my mind and I hoped she wouldn’t protest. I wanted to spend time with Avery, take the opportunity to relax a bit. She looked so tense and nervous about securing the house and talking to Megan, and I knew exactly what to do to calm her down.

  ''Avery, come here, sweets.'' I opened my arms and she cuddled into me with a contented sigh. ''I don't like you being all tensed up like this. Calm down, it’ll be fine. Don’t you worry.''

  She closed her baby blue eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. Avery was so damn cute sometimes. ''I just hope that we get the okay for the house and I hope Megan will be fine with us.''

  ''Look at me, Avery. I'm not worried. We’re good together, life is great with us right now. Everything will be fine. I can promise you that.''

  She chuckled. ''You can't, but thanks for reassuring me anyway.'' She kissed my lips and then looked me in the eyes. She hadn’t said that
she loved me, but I knew there were times where she was on the verge of saying the words. I thought she really was going to say it at that moment, but she didn’t.

  I started massaging her shoulders hoping it would help her relax. It took her ten minutes to finally begin to settle down, her shoulders were so stiff with tension. When I felt her relax more, I proceeded with a back massage. Avery was a very ticklish girl, she couldn’t help her giggles and I thought it was so damn cute. Lowering my hands to the small of her back, I pushed down the waistband of her jeans and ideas started rolling through my mind. All the things I wanted with her, how much more I wished to get to know her and how attracted I was to her body. I’d spent ten years being her good friend, Soldier, but I wanted to be the one she could confide in. It would take time, but I knew I could understand her better than anyone else, and the same thing went for her. We shared similar scars. Some that nobody would know about, apart from us. Battle scars were visible to everyone, but we shared the psychological scars of war, and the scars of lost dreams as well.

  ''Remy, come closer,'' she whispered, and I did what I was told. ''Kiss me, please.''

  Kissing her was never a hard task, it was the first thing I did every single morning when I woke up. Kissing her to ensure she had a good day, and also kissing her good night. I was going to keep my promises, to always make sure she was happy.

  I kissed her lips and pulled her to me, she sat on my lap and held me around the waist. Her kisses diverted to my chin, across my jaw and finally ended on the lobe of my ear. ''It feels so good to be here, in your arms, Remy.'' Her soft voice sent me directly to heaven. She was happy with me, of that I had no doubt.

  ''I don’t want to spend another day of my life without you, Avery.''

  She sighed and took the time to really absorb what I'd just told her. I needed her, so much.